Why do women date guys that beat them when they have unlimited options?

[Anonymous]

It's pretty common to see girls getting slapped or hair pulled on the streets and between four walls I guess it's normal nowadays. I saw one today, the guy pulled her hair and the girl was saying leave, leave my hair. The guy was well built and muscular.

[jennifer_bloom]

I have two theories on why some attractive woman date abusive men

1 - They believe they lack the character or moral and social value to attract and maintain a relationship without accepting some type of coercive control and abuse and they view the negative attention as some kind of glue that binds them together

or

2 - They desire abuse because they have low self esteem and are trying to fill some inner desire for a revisiting of childhood trauma

I have a female family connection who is into BDSM and I think it’s because she has a habit of telling lies and wants to be punished and told she is worthless because that’s what she believes she deserves. She is always in a relationship and my mom says she dates any trailer trash she can find because she craves sex.

[DataOrganizer27]

Speaking from extensive experience it's usually a self-esteem issue. No matter how small, somehow you're able to justify it as "I deserve this". Some girls thresholds are lower, will tolerate verbal abuse but not physical, and others have a higher threshold to the point of staying even though they get beaten daily.

And the more frequent it is the more it bores into your mind and changes the way you think about life and yourself and your relationships. It takes a long time to get out of that mindset sometimes.

[Asker]

How self-esteem is important? women get asked out all the time and get tons of messages on social from other guys. They can easily leave for other guys.

[DataOrganizer27]

That's somewhat true, but that has nothing to do with inner self esteem. You date what you feel you deserve and it doesn't matter what you look like or how you act on the outside, the insides tell you that you deserve to be treated like shit.

And until that is fixed you will choose people who treat you like shit one way or the other. That's why self esteem is important. Because you don't go after what you feel you don't deserve as a woman, in my experience. You go after what you feel you DO deserve.

[DataOrganizer27]

And honestly, I can definitely say that isn't the case. You get a lot of creeps asking you for nude pics or wanting to sext when you don't even know them, but rarely do women, or at least me, get messages that mean anything. There aren't many guys trying to know what our hobbies are, how we think, what were interested in. Women aren't all about sex, it's emotional. And that is another thing.

These guys who treat these women like shit have learned to exploit that. They've learned that us women want certain individual things and they feed it to make them feel special. They are going to get farther with a girl with average to low self esteem than the guy coming out randomly asking for nude pics or getting sexual right off the rip.

But a good man will bring his woman up, not down. He will be interested in her interests because she's interested in them and will compromise to do things she wants to do sometimes because he cares about her happiness.

And those assholes pretend to care about that happiness. That's why she stays. Because she truly believes they care about these little things that are important to her. But he doesn't and it's disgusting.

[Asker]

Generally, all the abusers I know and have seen to date are all above-average guys in terms of looks. I will say that a lot of women date them knowing everything as it earns them more status in their group. Girls seem to compete a lot with each other. She is getting compliments and envy from the other girls for scoring a great guy, so she can tolerate a little bit too, that may be the mindset. Women generally date bad boys by the logic that those will protect them, but it's always the opposite.

[Asker]

Generally the guys women date don't give much fuck about what women do otherwise from sex but still, the girls think their guys care.
I took a friend for a singing audition as she used to sing well but was too scared to perform. Her boyfriend never gave a fuck. At the end of the day, her boyfriend said,"cool". But she thought the was the most amazing boyfriend ever.

[DataOrganizer27]

I don't know about that, the guys I have dated have been between a 6 and 4 to my standards and a 3-1 to my friends and families standards. None of them were above average in looks, intelligence, or anything other than manipulation.

But I've been friends with popular girls in high school and the main signal I always saw was the same damn thing, a boost to their individual who in a way that they craved.

So to me, these women can meet a dozen manipulative guys, but at the end they're choosing the one who manipulates their emotions the best in the way that they need.

Again, sad and disgusting. But I don't even blame anyone
Those boys learned how to manipulate from somewhere and those girls had that low self esteem from somewhere. Its a ripple effect.

[DataOrganizer27]

I have had some boyfriends, in response to your other answer, who actually gave a shot about me. Those relationships lasted the longest because their care was genuine. And I can somewhat back then tell the difference between the two.

[DataOrganizer27]

I've also got to say, for all abused people mean and women, that it isn't about the abusive itself but the type of abuse and they type those people believe they deserve.

Which then splits off into a discussion and usually an argument on who is more abused than the other, at least on the women's side. But it isn't about who is abused more. Abuse can somewhat be subjective in the verbal and psychological sense, just not physically (but even then they may reason what they will and will not accept). Abuse can be both subjective and objective.

[Asker]

I believe overall men physically abuse more, than women mentally. They play mind games and start drama/crying in public places and verbally abuse. Men's verbal abuse powers are limited they resort to physical.

[DataOrganizer27]

Ook, you may be right you may be wrong. I don't have the answers to that. That's a completely different conversation though

[genericname85]

it's a frog in boiling water situation. women don't date ment hat beat them right away. but when you consider leaving a partner after years, you get the feeling you're throwing all that time away. so you try to fix it. and it can take people quite a while till they realize that they can't fix it.

[kinggeorge007]

A good question. I want to know too. I've seen girls keep being in abrasive relationships knowing they have other options and knowing they should get out. I'm surprised as you are. Let's see what girls have to say

[sunflower00]

I haven’t been in a relationship like this personally, but what tends to happen is in the beginning the abusive partner (in this situation the man) does not show any bad qualities, he acts like the perfect partner and once they enter a relationship and usually after a few months or so they begin to be abusive, usually start off and it gradually gets worse, they also manipulate and gaslight their partner and often try to isolate them from friends and family so the woman feels as if she has no way out/can’t survive without him (whether it’s financially, emotionally, mentally, etc.)/will never find someone else/has been manipulated into thinking she deserves it or that he is doing it for a reason or is sorry afterwards and might change in the future. It’s difficult to understand unless you have been in the situation, but it’s not so black and white

[Asker]

Yes, true but even in relationships girls generally get showered by massages from other guys on everyday streets or on social media, so bad guys can easily be replaceable. I have seen a lot of girls take pride just dating a bad guy as he's highly desirable among other women.

[sunflower00]

That’s not really true at all unless the girl is like, a model and somewhat well known. Even still, it’s just not that easy to leave a relationship like that for many reasons and no one deals with abuse because a guy is desirable to other women - if he’s abusive he isn’t desirable and we don’t really get with guys because of status or what others think. There’s more to it than getting compliments from other people. There’s lots of resources online that can give you useful information, like charities or organisations that help people who have suffered domestic abuse

[Anonymous]

Stupidity