Together 5.5 years, engaged to be married in 7 months. Saw he is swiping through dating apps? He lied first, then said just wanted to see who’s there. Leave or stay?

[Anonymous]

Leave

Stay

[Angelo75]

Can't tell you either.

You have been together for 5.5years already.
That build a deep connection to each other.
Leaving him will put you through pain. But staying with him could also put you through pain, because he might be hiding things from you.

Either way, it is not fair to GaG users or to yourself to ask something like this because it's easy for everyone to yell "leave" or "stay". Because they don't have to deal with the consequences of this very big decision.

On the other hand I could give you some advice to perhaps try figuring out WHY he would not be showing it to you.
Can it be that he is not trusting you enough? Why is that? What is the reason that he would prefer to be looking at other women?
Try to find out these things. Then you can "grow" from the situation.
IF you choose afterwards to leave him, you still have learned and grown in personality.
IF you choose to stay, you might have built a deeper trust with each other.

There are too many grey areas to say for sure what is best.
Either way, it's something that "you" have to choose.
I'm sorry for not giving you a straight answer on this one. It's just not fair to u.

[lightbulb27]

he may have doubts. I think you stay but you communicate and work stuff out. If it isn't resolved after some period of time, then you can check out.

I didn't get stuck on dating apps as I'd been there and that was a waste. but I followed other women that I had talked with/chatted with on FB for quite some time and really angered my girlfriend.. now wife. I didn't like to let go of my fantsies and there's no comparing the dream of some perfect woman to a real person and relationship. Now I know that the real person is much better than the face and fantasy, but I didn't know then. I think there's lots in the past that cause problems in the current, I saw a video about how porn wires the brain all wrong for that kind of mis behavior.

It's much better now, I turned that stuff off long ago and got away from other women. there's a point of letting go that needs to occur. It may be personality, or addictions or who knows what. It could be your relationship and if that's the case, then you two gotta communicate.

I hate to say it, but even at those ages which is where I was, there is a lot of growing up that can have to occur to have a relationship. It may be awful pain to get through, but that's what it is... change!

[MysticAngel5000]

100% LEAVE.

We've been together for 5.5 years and are set to be married in 7 months. I catch you swiping through a damn dating app and your first move is to lie to me about it when confronted. Then you give me some BS line about how you were "just seeing who was on there". No way. I'd be done on the spot.

If you're in a relationship, why do you need to know "who's on" a dating app? Why does that matter? Who cares? You're with someone you're supposed to love. It doesn't matter who's on a dating app. If you're looking for friends, a dating app is NOT the place to be searching. If it isn't an issue, why didn't you tell your fiance/fiancee? If you're hiding it, it's already a problem. Lying when you're caught and confronted just makes it worse.

This is definitely not a good relationship to stay in. Their true colors have shown. It's time to cut ties and start your healing process so you can move on to better things and a better, more loyal partner.

If you aren't happy in a relationship, be honest. Break up with your partner. Don't get on a dating app until you're 100% SINGLE again.

[BlueScorpio]

Leave. He's still shopping to see if anything "better" is out there and is just settling with you for the time being. A lot men will use a woman as a placeholder until they find what they really want. If you marry him there's a chance you'll end up divorced later down the road cause he will cheat or leave once he finds what he's really looking for. Don't stay any longer with him, he's already proven that these years spent with you have just been to waste your time, don't let him any further and move on.

[oh_k789]

" A lot men will use a woman as a placeholder until they find what they really want. "

While they can't rival women in the art of doing that, I agree that some men do it.

[SteveSmith1985]

I don't think it's a "leave" or "stay" choice. I think that it's obviously a HUGE problem. I think that you have a right to find out what's going on. If he's been unfaithful. Then it depends on what you want in terms of wanting to make some effort to work thing out, or to leave.

I am someone who would leave my partner (or wife) if they were unfaithful. So I am inclined to say "leave" if you're forcing me to choose. But if I were you, I would have questions I'd need answered, and explanations to demand. If you're in a situation where you feel "he is cheating" then I'd say leave. If you aren't sure, it's worth finding out as much as you can about the true nature of the situation you're dealing with.

But obviously don't just stay and "accept" his lies about this and try and pretend this all didn't happened.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

Good luck

[suzzieQ]

He's swiping through a dating app... that is unfaithful.

[SteveSmith1985]

@suzzieQ Ok agreed actually. SO then... this seems like an unnecessary question. Obviously you should leave! I hope you do. 🙂

[SteveSmith1985]

@suzzieQ juuuust realized. sorry!

[OlderAndWiser]

Don't marry him expecting this to change after you are married. What you KNOW is that he is looking at dating apps. What you don't know is whether he has done anything more to pursue someone else. At this point, do you have 100% absolute trust in him to be faithful to you? If you are ging to mary him, you SHOULD have 100% absolute trust in him.

You ddn't mention whether you have any children together. That needs to be considered.

[ManOnFire]

You most likely need to leave that situation. Just think: how do you know he hasn't been swiping on dating apps all this time that you've been together? That kind of thing would certainly be cause for alarm.

I would say first try to see if you can get to the bottom of it, get him to come clean. But it most likely will just give you even more heartache if you through with a wedding and find out he's meeting up with other women off these apps.

[Summeroflove]

Yeah. Bye. Leave him. Before you get married and he cheats then

[Avicenna]

In all likelihood, he’s been cheating and you finally caught him.

[cryscrys1]

That’s why as a women should never wait this long for a man to settle down without straight priorities… To me he wasted your time. I want to say leave because this habit won’t change it’s clear he is looking for another women and if she is “ better “ than you yeah he will leave you. On todays world this is called “ sorry I’m not interested about you anymore” not even love you anymore because love never existed here obviously because he isn’t respecting you. ( considering his age he should act very ver mature by now)
In the end do whatever you want and feel but remember that you can always find someone else who respects you and please never spend for 5 ,6 ,8 years of -Your Life- to move on! Set a deadline be clear with the guy within 1 year I want this and this. Say what you are looking for exactly as it is.

[JamesDiaz11]

You're 45... What benefit is it to you to leave this guy? You're beyond over the hill, and realistically the chances that you'll find another guy worth spending your life with are slim to none.

So, don't cut off your nose to spite your face. Go into counseling; tell him this is a serious issue that needs to be addressed (maybe he's having a mid-life crisis and just wants to see if he's still got what it takes to attract women), and build a plan/ timeline where you can rebuild trust.

Everybody messes up; everyone is going to let you go to some degree- give this stupid sob a chance to make it better- if he doesn't then you can think of leaving.

[MzAsh]

I know most guys don’t understand the incredible abundance of a woman’s relationship options, but most women her age can still get a guy better than this, easily. And no it’s not just for sex.

[AmyHew1tt]

Please say you aren't serious. It's comments like these that actually make me somewhat sympathetic to femenists, and that's a very difficult thing for me to do.

[AmyHew1tt]

*feminists

[BlueScorpio]

This is why women to bump up their standards even more when we have selfish asshoke men like this in the water. Basically telling you to lower your standards and ve treated like trash, then when it's all over they will blame you for choosing him/stinking around. Never let anyone determine your worth just cause they feel unworthy themselves ladies.

[Mmmariaxc]

That’s such a stupid comment from a 27 year old lol of course she is probably too old to want to date you, but you do realize there are plenty of men her age in the world 🌎 she’s not stuck with this cheater if she doesn’t want to be.

[JamesDiaz11]

@MzAsh No, she can't. Don't listen to women like this- they'll be telling you the grass is greener, "girlllllll, you deserve better," and then go ghost when you're lonely af and nobody wants you (for anything better than a hookup).

[JamesDiaz11]

@AmyHew1tt Serious as a heart attack. You've invested 5 years into a guy, and he acts out in a small way before the wedding (it's easy to go on a dating app, not like he was hiding another woman, or dating)- you don't call it quits and at 45 pretend that you're going to do well on the dating market. Guys she'd like to date in their 40's/ 50's sure af are not looking to date a 45 year old.

[JamesDiaz11]

@BlueScorpio What a typical modern feminist response. If your standards are that the person you're with will never fk up, then YEA, lower your standards. This gaslighting bs of "know your worth, you deserve (fill in the blank)" being fed to women, and anyone who suggests you be more realistic being jumped on has got to end. In under a decade half of you over 30 will be unmarried and childless (and unhappy I'll add in case the fantasy of single and thriving after 40 is still alive) because of this stupid feminist line.

[JamesDiaz11]

@Mmmariaxc There are plenty of men of her age in the world, sure. 70% of them are married. 80% of the remaining men don't meet her standards (typical female shooting for the top 20%), and of those remaining (4%) men how many do you think would entertain dating a 45 year old, when they can shoot for a women in her 30's (who may still be able to have kids), or younger? Men don't find women in their 40's appealing- ask any over the hill woman about becoming "invisible."

[MzAsh]

James, I’ve lived long enough to know that yet she can. People (men) try to act like women my age are so over the hill and need to settle. Boy if they only knew what women options are really like.

[JamesDiaz11]

@MzAsh Nonsense. Can you honestly tell me you have guys trying to court your for marriage? Or are you just getting laid so regularly that it's made you delusional?

[MzAsh]

I’m married but there are several men who’ve told me they’d happily replace my man if he ever steps out of line.

[JamesDiaz11]

@MzAsh lol bs. Now it becomes clear how full of it you are. While you're married, you suggest other (single) women destroy their own chances, based on what? That other men flirt with you? Yea, I'm sure all those other guy want to marry you, not just sleep with you- clearly you're naïve.

"You're special- he has no idea how lucky he is- if I ever had a girl like you- I would never- I would always- if he ever messes up, baby girl- I'd give you the world..." Many dumb women have left good relationships for this bs, then get smashed and passed. Don't mistake sexual interest, and words in pursuit of that make you think you have real opportunities out there...

You husband needs to get you in line- there's no way a self-respecting man would tolerate his woman having other guys around her saying things like that.

[MzAsh]

I work with women to maximize their qualified options and choose the best one for them.

I don’t “have other guys around.” I work around men and I work with men professionally. I ignore many contact requests/dms and such. I keep things either professional or platonic.

[JamesDiaz11]

@MzAsh Please God don't tell me you're a dating/ career coach...

[MzAsh]

ICF certified.

[AmyHew1tt]

So by your logic, she should stay with a guy who is more than likely going to cheat on her and ruin their marriage out of fear she won't find anyone else? Being single is better than being in a shit relationship. If he's on a dating app now before they're even married, he's 100% going to have an affair afterward. No one who is satisfied and happy in their relationship is going to be checking out other options. And the fact that he lied about it is an obvious red flag to anyone.

She can find someone else, even in her forties. Granted, it's not as easy as it is in your twenties. But you must have a worse opinion of men than some women do if you think it's impossible.

[MzAsh]

Lower quality men campaign for women to settle because it gives guys like themselves a shot in hell. They don’t want to normalize women trading up for someone better.

[AmyHew1tt]

@MzAsh Seriously. And I'm seeing people in their sixties and seventies finding healthier relationships than people in their twenties. It's not as glorified. There aren't many romcoms about it. But it totally happens.

[MzAsh]

My aunt is 75 and found a new love last year! They’re adorable.

[AmyHew1tt]

@MzAsh Lol, exactly. I'm actually annoyed sometimes seeing my grandparents making loads of friends and finding a relationship while I find it so difficult.

[JamesDiaz11]

@AmyHew1tt Thinking guys don't find women in their 40's appealing isn't thinking low of them... You're also assuming any minor behavior must lead to the most extreme: "he's checking girls out, it's only a matter of time before he cheats..."

[JamesDiaz11]

@MzAsh I've already got a high quality woman- I don't have a dog in the fight like you over the hill women who want to believe you're in high demand at whatever age just because you say you are...

[JamesDiaz11]

@AmyHew1tt Yea, bs... Always some fringe anecdote you make up to try to make your point.

[JamesDiaz11]

@MzAsh Nursing homes are notoriously ridden with STD's...

[MzAsh]

Women are always in higher demand than men.

[JamesDiaz11]

@MzAsh *Sex is always in high demand. *Young women will be in high demand for partners- but you're far past your prime, and the fact that you have any credibility in giving advice to women is preposterous. A 20 yo woman is in far higher demand than a 20 yo guy, but a 40 year old man (with an average level of success) is far higher in demand than a 40 yo woman.

[MzAsh]

As long as there are guys who think like you, I’ll always be in business.

[JamesDiaz11]

@MzAsh So, you admit you're a snake oil salesman? Saleswoman, rather.

[MzAsh]

No. My assistance to women is based on genuine facts, observations, professional training, and personal success.

[JamesDiaz11]

@MzAsh I'm gonna call bs on any efficacy you've allegedly had in a position you have no place being in.

[MzAsh]

I’m not surprised you feel that way, considering you’re displaying the type of attitude and mannerisms I help women reject.

[AmyHew1tt]

Plenty of people in their forties get married, so yes, if you think that anyone over thirty is a lost cause, that does say something about your opinion of men.

And he's not just checking out girls. There is a big line between noticing another girl's ass as she passes him on the street, and being literally on a dating site and lying about it.

[JamesDiaz11]

@AmyHew1tt Where's the line? You seem to have arbitrarily drawn it to make your point. Why is there a big line between checking someone out and being on a dating app? Why is there not a "big line" between being on a dating app and actually dating someone else? Is this because it doesn't make your point?
Why is it only a slippery slope towards inevitable cheating past your arbitrarily drawn line (dating app) and not mine (checking women out)?
Can you wrap your brain around this, or because your a woman will the neurons not connect because of your need to be right?

[AmyHew1tt]

Why are you ignoring the fact that he lied about it? If it was really all as clean as you seem determined to think it is, why would he lie? As a woman, as any person, I am not going to be looking for a new guy to date while I am preparing to get married to someone else. There is no reason for me to do that if I intend to stay in my relationship. A guy would be 100% pissed if his fiance was signed up on a dating app and looking at other guys and lying about it.

How is their marriage going to last? Trust is completely frayed. Every time he's unclear about where he's been or has a drink with a female friend, she is going to be thinking about the dating site. It's better for her to get out now so that when things inevitably go wrong, whether because he cheats or she's paranoid, she won't have to bother with divorce.

How is this me desperately trying not to admit to being wrong? You are defending this guy who is displaying behavior that would put any self-respecting woman, or man, on guard. No one should have to lock themselves in an unhappy marriage because someone else is telling them they will never have another chance.

[Mmmariaxc]

The difference between checking someone out and using a dating app is obvious. For example if you go to the grocery store and a woman catches your eye you didn’t go looking for her but everyone appreciates a good view. If you put the time into making a dating profile to check women out you are actively searching for someone else.

[JamesDiaz11]

@Mmmariaxc So, your argument goes to intent, and by someone's action in downloading a dating app and making a profile (30 seconds) you've reasoned "intent to cheat" (and thereby reason for this 40's woman to leave)... but is that actually correct? Can you reasonably infer that the reason this guy downloaded a dating app could ONLY be to physically cheat on his girlfriend?
Let me ask you one thing, and I hope this resonates with you as a woman in her 20's. Have you, or have any of your friends, downloaded a dating app solely for attention? Don't tell me this doesn't happen- I would argue MOST women on dating apps do so at least PRIMARILY for attention. Is it unreasonable to entertain the idea this guy could have done the same?

Alternatively, going to the store: Seems pretty innocuous, but can you assume that a person (even someone in a relationship) isn't going to the store with the INTENT to POSSIBLY find someone to cheat on. How about the intent to check someone out? Possibly flirt?

My point is that you're trying to draw an arbitrary line built on your ASSUMPTION of intent. We cannot assume intent. Let's let them talk it out, and find the core of this issue before we jump on the "leave him" bandwagon.

[JamesDiaz11]

@AmyHew1tt read my argument to the other woman- I don't advocate choosing the nuclear option as the first line of defense, and I also don't advocate someone cutting off their nose to spite their face.

[AmyHew1tt]

Can you please acknowledge the fact that he didn't just make a dating profile, he LIED about it. This is a huge warning sign, and one very few people would pass over casually.
There are thousands of ways people can try to find a new partner. Going to the store, sure? The gym, a party, whatever. Yes. But that's all beside the point and has nothing to do with this situation.

And I imagine it could be true, that some girls and guys will sign up for a dating app for attention, but not ones you should stay with, and even in that you can safely bet more than a hundred bucks they're going to be cheaters once the honeymoon stage of the relationship has passed. People in healthy, happy, content relationships will not do that. And if that was all it was, attention seeking without current intent, why not be upfront about it?

However, I do agree with you at least that this is their problem, and they do need to talk about it. If she decides to stay with him, I'm fine with it, it's her life. So let's agree to disagree and end this with some amount of respect on both sides.

[Nik1hil]

Relationship are about overcoming problems together!..

You need to sit and talk with him, why did he feel the need to look, tell him ,

"If you are looking then you are not sure, and if you are not sure, you are not ready and we shouldn't do it!".

Let him give you explanation, maybe he was deleting his profile on app and swiping one last time!..

" If he proposed to you, and gave you the ring, then you are already his queen seated on heart of his throne. You just need to remind him, about the commitment he made."

[Kori1236]

I see a giant red flag. Yeah I get being nervous but he changed his story twice. That’s enough for me to think somethings up. To me if I was engaged to be happily married I wouldn’t be creeping tinder or dating apps; I’d be planning a wedding and my future.

[Screenwriter]

Well... took a long time... but his colors have finally shown. Now that he's committed to marry you, he's decided to see what else is out there. You need to GET OUT!

Sounds like he was just cruising along with you until COMMITMENT loomed in the offing. Now that it has, he's unsure or wants to play the field.. Who knows.

Don't waste your time trying to find out. Ugh.

[LovingLoverReturned]

Is he using it like social media to see who likes his profile? Sociwl media is an ego boost.

Don't ask that above directly though because you just give him an idea for an excuse. But that is a real possibility.

Also possibility he has intentions of cheating.

You need to find out then decide. Making decisions in the spur of moment is bound to have regrets

[LovingLoverReturned]

You can probably find info through mutual associates or research... maybe there are some ethical tests you can do to serve if he truly loves you.

[Aerissa_Jade]

Need to get more details, ask him to let you go through his phone to find out everything, if he says no... then he has something to hide, leave him then... because he has probably been cheating on you anyways and will continue to do so.

Don't give him notice on it, just say unlock and hand, because he has proven he is not trust worthy.

You could just leave too as trust has been damaged and move on.

[jshm2]

To be fair, you need to talk it out, before proceeding.

Could be you caught a bad moment, could be you caught a habit.

But he's stuck with you for over 5 years. You should give him at least 5 minutes to explain what the hell is going on with him.

[CateM]

At first, I'd give him the benefit of the doubt and keep an eye out. Keep track of the times he claims to be working overtime, when he goes out but doesn't tell you where he's going, does he become more secretive with his phone, dubious transactions on a credit card, etc. If he's cheating, leave him, but if he's telling the truth about being curious, then you can decide what to do from there

[RavVid]

If it was my fiancee doing that I would call it off. It doesn't exactly indicate certainty on his part which is what you want to marry. I suppose everybody has moments of doubt etcetra and maybe does double checks in their mind but this seems like special pleading to me.

I would at least defer the marriage till there was more certainty but I think trust is broken now.

[humpbackjack]

It sounds like he’s possibly bored. Ultimately you know the answer to your own question. I’m not saying he’s not up too anything. I’m just saying you have over 5 years invested so you should know him good enough to decide what to do. I would say definitely don’t get married without getting to the bottom of why he’s looking at dating apps and trust your gut. Deep down you know the answer

[Fireguy17]

Why would he even want to see who is out there?
He should be so enamored over you that he would not have the slightest desire to look at someone else, then there is the dishonest with living about.
I would be pretty hesitant to go any further with him.
It sucks after all of that time together, but you deserve to be treated better than that.
Sorry you are going through this.

[DarkWinterNights]

“Wanted to see who’s there”


Yeah… if I was engaged to be happily married I wouldn’t be interested in seeing who else is out there.


I’m not one to encourage people to bail out of relationships at the first sign of trouble - and obviously don’t know your particular situation, but this is a pretty large sign of possible trouble and the last thing you want to do is get legally tied together when he’s already got wandering eyes.

[Anonymous]

He might be a sex addict. It takes one to know one.

This has to be heartbreaking for you. I guess since you are both older then you both can have some real communication on all of this. Tell him you are ready walk unless he gives you the deep dark truth on this.

[Anonymous]

It’s your choice you can leave and find someone in love with you.

Or stay because it’s convenient and accept his cheating because if he’s swiping I can almost guarantee this isn’t the first time in 7 years maybe have a lover of your own on the side to keep it fair.