He's dating so he won't feel lonely?

[Cali86]

I was in an intense and meaningful relationship with someone recently but it ended because we live so far apart that seeing each other was impractical. At first we saw each other every 2-3 months but realistically that wasn't going to work.

I admit I still love him which is why when he told he's going to try and date again made me sad. He said he's doing it so he won't feel lonely. and that should circumstances change for us and we get to live together, then great! But until then we should both try and be happy and go on with our lives.

He's been dating a girl for 2 months now. He told me he's in no position to commit to her and he's dating so that the weekends don't get low for him and he isn't lonely. I don't know what to make of it. I've never been in a situation where you be with someone just to not feel lonely - so do I believe him? It's been 2 months dating, I'm assuming he's falling in love with her by now or am I wrong?

I guess I just don't understand how you can date with no end goal in mind or long term purpose.

Updates

1 y

I should probably add that he's coming to visit me. I told him he doesn't have to but he said he wants to

[Nomina]

Many relationships begin that very way. No clear vision in sight and it develops over time. Things become more official, plans start to form. Not everyone has a clear idea of commitment from the start and then it happens over time.

It's only been 2 months with them, it could change as things go along.

I'd suggest you move on honestly. And if he is dating someone, maybe he should cut down on talking to you or you should stop talking to him considering you still have feelings for him and he is dating someone else. I think you should respect that and distant yourself.
Although, I don't know how close you are or how much you talk to each other. But his new relationship shouldn't be any of your concern, in my opinion.

Heal your wounds, move on as best you can.

[Nomina]

Follow-up: based on your update. Do not meet him. That's just asking for trouble. Doesn't matter if he wants to. Smells fishy to me. From both your ends.

[Cali86]

Yeah that's the thing, he still talks to me. Still calls me by my nicknames.. Still texts me goodnight. And now he's coming here to visit me. I don't know what his game is.

[Nomina]

Why do you respond? Why do you keep entertaining that? Why don't you shut it down?

[Cali86]

Because I still have feelings for him.. I guess I'm not like you that can just shut that out and down

[Nomina]

I'm not talking about shutting down the feelings. I'm talking about shutting down the actions. Two separate things. You can feel something without doing anything from that. He's dating someone.

1. Because he says he's doing it out of loneliness, as he says, it somehow makes their dating not legit, therefore it's faire game?
2. Put yourself in the other chick's shoes?
3. No matter what you feel, there's still the right thing to do, isn't there? Or is that thrown out the window because you have feelings for him?

I can't call what they have a relationship because I don't know. But what's the other woman's perspective in all this? Does she know about you? Does she know he still talks to you and calls you by his nicknames for you? Does she know he's visiting you?

Because to me, it sounds a little too close to the kind of excuses people give themselves when cheating or when being the one the other cheats on... feelings. Feelings don't magically make it okay.

I've been there. Well, there wasn't another woman for me. But if you know that things can't work out between the two of you - whatever reasons you gave one another - let it go.

Either you try again and make long distance work and you figure it out or this can lead to a full on cheating situation but you can comfort yourself all you want, that your feelings for him and maybe his for you, somehow make it okay.

[Nomina]

I'm looking at what you've said here:
. There were plans with you but distance makes it impossible or hard for you. No plans with this woman.
. You had an intense relationship. With her it's only out of loneliness or so he says
. You still have feelings for him. He keeps calling you by your pet names and is going to visit you. Just as it happened when you were together. With her he doesn't see commitment.

The way you've phrased it here, your situation with him in juxtaposition with her situation with him, makes it sound (feel free to correct me if I'm wrong) as though you think your connection, whatever it is, is more legit and more real than the connection they have. You should be together, in your mind, because of all those factors. Or he wants you more than he wants her.

As magical as it sounds... still. He's dating someone. Either he stops playing you and her. Or who knows what he's doing? Dating her out of loneliness and buttering you up out of... something. He sounds like a prince, by the way. But you have feelings for him, so all the shadiness is worth it.

What do you make of his behavior, though? You wondered what game he's playing. Is he capable of playing games? What would you consider what he's doing now, with you and her?

From my perspective, provided two people are single and available (of course), if they truly want one another, they will find a way. Where there's a will, there's a way. You find a way, you stick it out. No guarantees of continuous good times but if it's the person you want, you push through. Now, if the goal is companionship, then the players change. The person is replaceable because they aren't specifically the goal; if one doesn't do, someone else might. What's your priority. And more importantly since he's the one enjoying the attention of two women right now, what's his priority? You, her or companionship?

[Cali86]

I can't speak to the woman he's dating, only the things he's been telling me. I like to believe he's honest because in our relationship he's always been honest with me.
I think it's more my feelings for him and how he still imposes his feelings on me. I'm surprised he still even calls me what he used to considering he's dating. I should be of no consequence.

[Cali86]

If I'm being honest, I'm just hurt that he can move on so quickly. To date and be invested in another woman like i didn't matter. So I want to sever all ties by hurting him and paying him back for everything he did for me

[Nomina]

You'd be wasting your time because any payback will be short lived and he will move on yet again. And where would it leave you when you could be moving on with your life too?

[Cali86]

I meant pay back like actually paying him money back. For all the favors and gifts he gave me

[Nomina]

Ohhhhhh okay. Well, that's nice!

[Summeroflove]

You should try talking to him. But if he won’t listen. Just leave him be. You can’t force someone to listen. Even if you care for him and know what’s best.

[Guy13]

I would not believe him as he is simply trying to keep your attention and sympathies. It is an immature way of trying to make you jealous. Do not be !!

[Cali86]

So he isn't lonely?

[Cali86]

The funny thing is that he didn't want to tell me he's started dating at first. He wanted to spare me and my feelings but I know him so well that I had him tell me.

[jshm2]

He's just playing around and trying to bullshit about it.