I asked my girlfriend if (WE) as a couple could delete Social Media together is that controlling?

[Peachies]

Hello guys! Me (19) and my girlfriend (18) have recently made the decision to make the relationship serious as she is heading to Basic Training and we would like to continue our long relationship while going through the military. She in the past has had a lot of (romantic texting through DMs that guys would text her). And never fails if she posts one thing on either SC or IG she has a rush of guys wanting to hook up or saying how attractive she is. I trust her fully but I'm not interested in having competition and possible problems in our relationship that will already be a little difficult. So I asked politely if it would be something that we would be interested in doing to delete social media besides TikTok because that's what we both enjoy. So she came to a conclusion to remove all the individuals that she doesn't know or had previously tried to hook up with. I liked that idea but she found it very annoying I continued to say if you find that controlling or privacy disturbing please don't do it but she did it anyways. Is that wrong of me to ask for it? Im was not sure what or how to feel.

[Anonymous]

No there’s nothing wrong w that if you’re willing to do the same. But let me just say this. I think it’s best that you just let her be single. She’s going into the military, that is a recipe for disaster. She’s going to have a lot of men around her, going out w them, her female friends, meeting other military personnel, partying. I say this because the military life can be quite an experience, I don’t think you should hold her back from that experience because she’s not going to enjoy it as much if she’s always having to stop herself from having fun because of you. I’m not saying she’s going to get out there and be a whore, but she’s going to see a lot of places. Travel. Parties. Men hitting on her. Would you be ok w her going out w males? Females? Partying? I never drank till I entered the military, crazy life. Even crazier for a lot of the females cause even the ones who couldn’t find a man because of their looks we’re getting laid. A number of women ended up pregnant on deployment. Unless you plan on moving to where ever she’s going to be stationed it’s going to be very hard. You won’t be able to live on base unless you two are married, or you’re married and they give you BAH (basic allowance for housing). Military life is sort of like college w out homework. I remember a lot of WMs (women Marines) getting ran through in the barracks, some even w multiple male Marines at once. When you’re deployed trust me a lot of female’s have a hard time cause they get bad news from back home or whatever the case may be, you’re not going to be there to console her. That’s where someone else steps in, especially if she’s cute. To console her, I’m here for you, you’re my friend. Then one thing leads to another. If you want to go through w this than I’d suggest you two have a serious discussion. This is one of the hardest things for someone to go through, especially women. Can’t tell you how many of my friends had their wife cheat on them once they were gone. Thinking they could handle it only to realize they had to do everything they did as well as what their partner used to do for them. In the military we always joke about “Jody.” The men who come around trying to fuck deployed men’s wives. Sad but it happens a lot. You really need to discuss this.

[DaveJord]

No not really. It's not necessarily controlling or processive. You can very well trust her completely and she may be very well worthy of that trust.

If you were uncomfortable with the patterns of behavior you were seeing with her, or others due to her social media presences then there is nothing wrong with having a mature conversation about it.

If she was willing to compromise with you on it, then that is a great sign, and I would be very happy about it.

Now what you did wrong in my opinion, is that she more or less met you halfway on this and that is great progress. So just tell her that you are happy about her being willing to do that and how much you appreciate that she took you seriously and actually made the effort to it.

This bullshit about she does not have to do it if she does not want to... that's bullshit and she knows it. You brought something to her and wanted compromise and she gave that to you, because she values the relationship with you more than random guys on the internet... so tell her that she is awesome and that you are very happy with her for doing it. Don't do this bullshit where it was big enough deal that you wanted to talk about it, then she did something, and you now you are trying to say it's not that big of deal if she didn't want to do it, she did not have to.

That's straight bullshit. If she straight up refused and told you no fucking way you have to deal with it yourself... you would of have gotten your feelings hurt and you fucking know it. But she did not do that, so tell her how much you respect her for what she did and tell her thank you in a sincere why.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't say it's controlling but it is ignorant. I'm not talking about your insecurities or your concerns. They are valid and I would never judge or dismiss you for feeling some type of way, given the history in what you've mentioned. What makes it ignorant is she made a compromise and you became mad that she didn't just agree with your plan. So taking this at book value here, it appears as though you were never looking for a compromise and therefore this relationship is not 50/50. You aren't taking her feelings, wants or needs in to consideration and are only worried about yourself and your feelings on the matter. She had every right to flat out tell you no without a single hint of remorse. She didn't though. She compromised and you still became irritated.

[Vegasrunner]

@anonymous That's because of we said in the post. His biggest issue is that he doesn't want any competition and her actions didn't really solve it. His best choice is probably to replace her as she's headed to basic training anyway.

[Opinion Owner]

@Vegasrunner I understand that but at the end of the day, everyone is in competition with someone else. There's always going to be someone who wants the person you are with and it doesn't matter what measures you take to prevent it from happening because it still will. Just to provide an example here.. my fiance was involved with a woman probably about a year prior to meeting me and after him and I got together, he had blocked her off everything because she was causing problems. It didn't stop her from contacting him by any means possible. Making fake accounts, texting him off other people's phones, leaving notes on his car windshield/mailbox.

[Opinion Owner]

@Vegasrunner Point being, if someone wants you bad enough, it doesn't matter if you delete social media. It doesn't matter if you block them from everything. A crazy individual will still find a way. Instead of me becoming a psycho bitch over my fiance's ex, I just rolled with the punches. Him and I worked through it together because we are partners and it's us against that person, not us against each other. OP is making this about himself, was my point. He isn't willing to hear out her compromises because he wants it his way. This is not a partnership in the least. As for your comment saying that it "didn't really solve it", I suggest you go back and reread the post, as OP didn't say anywhere that it didn't solve it. All it says is that the girlfriend became annoyed because after she deleted these people, he still didn't think it was good enough and wanted her to just delete social media. She's going to basic training and after her time period is up of being away from her phone, she's going to want to contact her loved ones. Everyone uses social media as a main form of contact. So really all he is pushing for at this point is for her to cut her contact from the outside world because of his own insecurities without taking in to consideration that there's a very good chance that she won't be able to contact her friends/family throughout basic due to his bullshit. He has made this situation all about him and that is the big issue. He is being selfish and thinking of himself but of course simple minded individuals are going to look at this and think she's being the selfish one despite her already being willing to make a compromise with him to ease his mind. He wants more and isn't satisfied. That's really what it boils down to.

[Vegasrunner]

@Opinion owner That's a misconception. For the top people, companies etc there's no competition. The fact that he's worried about that tells me his value is low. It's not that other people want his woman it's that he believes they can take her. I've never had a woman that I was concerned someone else could take her because I'm the best man most women can. I've had multiple women do all those things that that women did to your fiance. That just means your fiance has value and u are going to have to compete to keep him.

[Vegasrunner]

@OpinionOwner He has to make it about himself because she may not be worth his time. Her compromise only benifits her, if he had value he could simply say it's my way or u can bounce because he doesn't he's willing to accept a compromise that puts him at a disadvantage. It didn't solve it and in fact he's made himself look worse for not staying true to his word. As soon as she suggested a comprise he should have broken up w/ her and moved on to a better girl. She's not being selfish, she's behaving like a selfish female dating a beta male. His value isn't high enough to tell her shit so she's going to do what she wants. My advice to him would be drop her and replace her w/ a woman willing to get on his program or else he's going to be dealing w/ this a lot.

[kylee2437]

So although in a sense it’s not controlling, I think this convo could’ve went differently. You could’ve asked her how she felt about social media and relationships in general, and then decided there if asking her was a proper idea depending on what her answer was for the first question. When it comes to stuff like this, the way you word things does matter. Maybe lighten up the situation by telling her that your mind will not change on dating her if she does decide to redownload her social media. With that being said, that also means you do need to generally like the idea that she may have social media again because bottom line is, is you shouldn’t be trying to change the authenticity of a person just because you are dating them all of the sudden

[Guy13]

You guys are a mature couple to be under 21. The problem is identified and action to remedy taken.
Choosing relationship security over SM is a choice I made long ago. My life uncomplicated and attitude improved removing tv 📺 at 18. Never Face or others or porn.
My life is much more positive and their is no way that I would have been able to accomplish the academic and professional achievements with Media consuming all of my time. This is only source of interaction. My remote work demands international time zones and availability during those times.
The best decision of my life was never get sucked into Selfie and Social Media.

[OlderAndWiser]

It's neither right nor wrong, but her response suggests that she is not as serious about you as you are about her. What usually happenswith these situatons at your age is that she will tell you in a few weeks/months that it is unfair to both of you to try to keep this relationship going at such a distance, and that means there is someone else she wants to date without feeling guilty about cheating, so she is giving you the break up talk first.

[AviatorTom]

It's not controlling if you ask her to delete social media. It would be controlling if you made her do it.

[D_Bone_Steak]

Are you in the military as well? ... and not married right? I'm guessing no and no.

I don't think you should feel guilty or anything about the social media stuff, I mean you're doing the same for her right? But my dude... I hate to break this to you, and from what I've seen so many times over the years... it's probably not going last when the female half is the one that's going in and there is a boyfriend back at the home of record. Married will reduce the prognosis because you'll more than likely end up with her at her first duty command unless they make her a geographical bachelor. Otherwise... that distance bro.

The females are real suckers for what is in their faces every day rather than some guy they sometimes can't call for months at a time. I mean a lot of the guys will cheat and stuff, the guys are way more likely to keep that on the DL and keep something going with the girl back home. Some females will let it drag on for 3 to 6 months, but they usually, eventually find a new dude and drop the breakup in.

But maybe you have a really locked-in relationship and I'm completely wrong. I'll let you be the judge of that. Prepare for the worst and hope for the best.

[KrakenAttackin]

Oh hell, I missed the part where she is in the military. Military women are serious whores!

[D_Bone_Steak]

lolz, I'm out now, was in the Navy... butt... Still around the shit... and...

Funny you say that KrakenAttackin, my wife just finished her 20 years (also in the Navy), but somehow got 3 more years of shore duty... but I agree, they're fucking whores, at least at first. They seem to usually really calm their tits around E-5 to E-6 because the fraternization policies start to affect their evals and could threaten their rank.

... as for me, I'll probably end up living on base again here soon watching the dependents sneak around to fuck each other until I can find a cheaper place off base. It's almost over for me and when that happens, I'm going to get far away from people in general and stop dealing with society.

[D_Bone_Steak]

@KrakenAttackin I mean this dude is going to have to deal with that E-1 to E-5 stage of her career. He needs to realize what's about to happen. The distance. She will be surrounded by dudes that have to work out every morning, and if those dudes don't have anything to do, they hit the weights at night. When they're not doing that they'll be hitting on his girl... not on social media... all day every day for 16-hour work days. He needs to know that in all reality, this is most likely the beginning of the end of their relationship.

[KrakenAttackin]

@D_Bone_Steak. Good man.

[KrakenAttackin]

@D_Bone_Steak. Exactly, she will be surrounded by young, fit, men, who want to fuck her... constantly. Eventually she will give in, and likely more than once.

I was in the Navy as well and am blown away with the Navy agreeing to women on submarines and other fleet duties. WTF does the Navy think will happen? Already something like 60 of females return from the fleet pregnant.

[LazerBean]

It's not controlling, since technically you are not trying to force her to do it. That said, I think you may as well go ahead and break up. Deleting social media is going to do absolutely zero to prevent her from finding someone else. The only effect it is really going to have is she will not be able to see what her friends and family back home post, which is not great. If both of y'all just wanted to delete social media, then cool. But you were very specifically doing it out of insecurity. And maybe you have a right to be insecure, I don't know. All I know is that it does not appear likely that your relationship will go anywhere significant.

[Kay-C]

I think long distance relationships are hard. And she sounds like a beautiful girl. It's gonna be hard to not constantly be wondering who she's texting so my advice is don't get serious right now and let her do what she feels she wants to do without you suggesting what you think would be best for you two this early in the relationship. She may feel smothered and controlled if you constantly bring it up even if you are saying you dont want to sound controlling. Either trust her now that she knows where you stand or don't make it so serious of a relationship.

[Keishio]

It's laying the foundations for control. If you trust someone fully then there's no need for this and it could possibly be planting a seed that will grow into more problems. Maybe she wants to use something your not comfortable with and feels the need to hide it even if it's being used completely innocently, this will create district and secrecy in your relationship. The best thing you can do is let things happen because if she wanted to talk to guys behind your back she will find a way regardless of the mutual rules you put in place and if she's not the type of person to do that then she won't regardless of the freedoms she has to do what she likes

[SnowedIn]

I don't think it's controlling because it doesn't sound like you told her she had to do it. That said, she's not happy about it and that's important. Was it wrong for you to ask for it... sort of. We don't get everything we want in a relationship. Sounds like her social media stuff is/was important to her. Here's the thing: you say you "trust her fully" -- I don't agree. If you did, you never would have wanted to do this.

[Anemone978]

I don't see it as controlling.. but I don't see it lasting long.. women in general love attention... look at social media and how so many degrade themselves on a regular basis for free LOL... but who knows if she is a really good girl it might be fine and she won't go back to it...

[Breanna_nonbinary]

Yes. It’s controlling. If it makes you uncomfortable then that’s you’re problem. If she sees others on the side then maybe she’s not the one for you. But to restrict a way of communicating with others is a sign of insecurity on your part and controlling. Let me put it this way it’s a huge red flag🚩🚩🚩

[Mayo503]

Well social media is everywhere this day and age…
It’s the thing everyone want to do….
So if you want that you need a girl who isn’t on it….
You got to ask yourself do you want a girl who is on it…?
And I say no it’s not controlling but others might say yes it is…?

[OddBeMe]

If it really was as innocuous as you make it sound, it should be fine. You calmly asked her, she agreed. Honesty she may have been feeling the same way about you. If that’s really her past, she could have projected an image of you DM’ing women. So sounds like you guys made a good deal.


Hope you gave it to her good before she left for basic. She’s a fckin hero.

[Adam1978]

Don't date these women seriously they just think you want to change them. My advice would find a woman who isn't on social media if that is what you want. So do not go hunting on these places for a girl if you don't like how you found them.

[TrueConfection]

I think deleting social media is one of the healthiest things you can do as an individual and as a couple. It's something she will have to want to do herself. If you pressure her, she might resent you later.

[cryscrys1]

With this post I can tell you are 19 also I know when you reach even 25 years old and read this post you will cringe…
I’m giving you a free bootcamp so prepare yourself lol

[earthcitizen7]

No. If she doesn't agree, and that bothers you, then you are too controlling for your own health.

God created Our Universe with Love and Free Will. Use your Free Will to Love!

[spartan55]

If she is going away to basic training then you have much bigger problems than this coming.

[PinkRose24]

No, that's not wrong. Why would you add strangers on your personal social media? I only accept friend requests from family and friends. I don't want random guys messaging me.

[rabbitzzz]

Don't delete yours. Even though what can your social media do unless you are famous somehow.

She can delete hers. And will be able to grow it back in 5 minutes from thristy guys if she wanted. SM is for women.

[Fireguy17]

not if you asked her to do so.
it would be controlling if you told her to do it.
Sounds like she has some issues that need to be resolved before you go much further along in the relationship.