Why are we different when we are single and when we are in a relationship?

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

I try to compare my single self to my taken self.

When I was in a relationship:

I was acting more mature,

I was more patient, less impulsive,

less selfish, kinder, more empathetic,

more responsible, better person ,

I wasn’t flirty with anyone but my ex,

I was more empathetic even, different person from the butterfly life I live now.

Yes, I was still playful but I was also somehow a nicer person. (Which my ex didn’t always like as he said he fell for me when I was my selfish, impulsive, careless, unapologetic self -the way I am now)

I am now single and I am so flirty, so playful, acting silly, impulsive, impatient, selfish.

I feel like I lost my mind. What happened to me when I was so much more mature? How did I regress back to my 22 yo self again?

Yes, I am more experienced now and have learned more and I am probably still better than I was at 22, but I am also less mature and responsible than I was in a relationship.

[magiusX26]

perhaps its due to having a stringer since of duty from having the responsibilities of thinking of him and his needs/wants/desires as well as your own. perhaps the real you, personality-wise lies as something of a balanced hybrid of the 2 types you described. maybe that shift in personalities, without such a balanced hybrid is, at least a portion, of why that relationship failed. to get some perspective on that idea, try reflecting back to his personality/ies and how much he did or did not change from before dating you compared to while dating you. as well as if his personality shifted after you split (assuming you have any sort of refference material of his personality after the split) . maybe look at both you and other previous partners' personalities as well. mite not be a bad idea to analyze friends's personalities under those same times, such as their personality/ies before you met him, during dating him, and after dating him. also if you can, ask some of those same friends about you (and his if possible) personality changes in those time frames. what subtle things did thry observe while you two were a couple?

[OlderAndWiser]

Some people feel depressed when they are not in a relationship, and the depression does not necessarily manifest as obvious sadness, crying, etc. Some people experience "smiling depression" and they become very carefree but also engage in risk-taking behaviors. Is it possible that this is you? This isn't the only explanation for what you describe, but I think it is a common explanation.

I know that when I am in a relationship, I am periodically very conscious of the fact that I m trying to be a better person for the sake of my partner. You are not alone!

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

That’s an interesting idea, but I think I am not depressed.

The thing is he told me he was scared I would end up hurting him big time because of my personality but he still fell for me, he was always insecure in the beginning of our relationship, thinking, I would just get up and leave him when there would be someone more interesting appear in my life.

And hr was quite handsome and popular among girls, but was still more scared to lose me than I was scared to lose him.

I guess he thought I could easily break his heart due to my personality BUT he still fell for me.

However, he often communicated his worries to me and I, too, had never had a relationship before him and I knew who I was a s a single person, I knew I have broken hearts and I didn’t want to do the same to the person I fell for so deeply.

I decided to become a better person so he would never have to be scared of hurting him, I felt responsible to take care if his heart, like you do care for something very precious.

Here’s the mistake though, I put him first, I was so worried I’d hurt him that anything I did, first I thought how would that make him feel.

He liked when I showed it once in a while, like me being selfish for 3 months and showing him selflessness for once, but I wanted to be good to him and as selfless to him as he was to me.

First 2 years he told me he felt lucky and blessed to have me and he loved me a lot.

In the last year of long distance he started saying, I changed, love made me weaker, I was no longer a strong girl he fell in love with and I have become too gentle, he wanted me to be myself again, he was saying

“I know who you are and you are not this gentle, please be you, that’s who I love.”

I though felt like being who I truly was as a single person, would harm a relationship as I have made my efforts to accommodate another person in my life and make sure our relationship would be healthy.

Next time, I’ll put my needs first.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

And I won’t be that gentle either.

[midnightmoon05]

I am still kinda like I was in my 20s…I am still silly, goofy, funny…”impulse? Lol well…I have to behave a little more mature sometimes…like I can’t drive too fast after having kids…but if there is a speed bump…I tell kids to get ready…they asked, get ready for what…they were too late…we went on that speed bump like a mini roller coaster… of course…my brother, hubby…all the adults would shake their head … my kids love me!! Haha…I like behaving a little childish since I have to be so serious all day at work.
I really don’t like a lot of the adults…they are so boring and so serious.

I don’t flirt with other men…I learned my lesson….. that was one of the reasons why/how I lost my first marriage.

[Katebfun]

Who knows, I feel more myself, free and have peace of mind and more confidence when I'm Single.. maybe because my past relationships were no healthy at least not at first.

[Finchie40]

Because when you are single you don’t really have any boundaries You can pretty
Much do what you want to do without having to answer to anyone , in a relationship you are choosing to be committed to your partner that should be doing the same for you , Relationships are based off of what you choose to do for
Your partner , hoping they do the same for you , Some people can’t handle being on a relationship because they have a selfish mindset , if you are unable to remove selfishness for your partner , don’t expect them to do the same for you , the only way a relationship will survive is if you both choose each other. When you are single you can choose what you want to do.

[BarryLiverstone]

Because you are less accountable now when making decisions. As you said you are more impulsive and less responsible. When in a relationship you consider your partner and they help keep you disciplined. Right?

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

Yes I guess so l, because when I was in a relationship I somehow felt like my partner and I were the one person,

so I always make decisions and thought about how this decision would affect my boyfriend and if it somehow was going to hurt him even a little bit I would never do something like that and I guess that kept me really more disciplined and mature because I wasn’t the only one I had to take a care for anymore, I had to take care of his feelings too and I think it made me a better person.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

Before I did something, I wasn’t thinking how that would make me feel, i was thinking about him first.

[BarryLiverstone]

That’s true. Now being single you can quickly make a choice (good or bad choice); when you had a boyfriend you had him to consider and him to own up to

[BarryLiverstone]

Also you didn’t have to do everything on your own. You had someone who could do things for you and take care of you as you took care of him. So that’s not acting selfishly and gave you a break at times

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

Yep, I guess so.

I was feeling like I turned into a wonderful person.

Here I am back to my self again though. Feels quite strange to see the change.

[BarryLiverstone]

We are complex human beings and not just one thing all the time. You are back to yourself but it’s a good opportunity to love who you are; so that the next person sees the best you can offer

[BarryLiverstone]

Have you reflected on the changes?

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

I do love who I am but I am not the best I can offer right now, I think I was far better in a relationship.

I mean, is anyone ever looking for a selfish, impulsive person? I doubt haha

I am even surprised my ex wanted me to be the same and didn’t fully appreciate that I loved him so much almost, I had this 180% change to the better because of him.

He said he loved me when I was a bad girl though. Well, at least he thought I was one haha. But is not the whole point of love to be learn how to be good?

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

I think I have reflected a lot. I gave learned a lot as well.

[BarryLiverstone]

Yes in love and support being good is a goal. What made you bad might be where you two disagreed

[BarryLiverstone]

What have you learned?

[love_conquers_lust]

You didn't want to be alone. Once you had what you THOUGHT you wanted, you want it to stay and last. So, I guess you attracted what you didn't actually want. You changed and tried to change your partner.

I think it comes down to being secure outside of a relationship to attract what you actually want. Not so hard in modern times, but extremely difficult for women centuries ago, and even still so in more violent countries such as Africa, the middle east, or where Islam is predominant.

Representing who you really are means vulnerability and possible rejection. I might die alone because of certain preferences I have. People making me feel guilty for those preferences is a MAJOR non preference for me. It's the risk I take, the path I walk. At least I'll be in good company with other women who this tends to happen to late in life. If it's good enough for them, what right do I have to complain it's not good enough for me?

[Sasha0426]

Because you don’t have anyone to worry about but yourself. You’ll change for the right person once in a relationship. Unfortunately, your ex wasn’t the right person at the time, but you realized it wasn’t about you anymore.

[Still-alive]

After getting out of a relationship i found i wasn't all that different in one than out of one. maybe just a bit more focused in one. But maybe thats just my experience

[sheikalana]

Because when you're in a relationship you are not available.

[MyOwnMan2]

You make it sound like someone's using the restroom

[Christoff92]

Being single makes you more aware. Being in a relationship means traditional matters such as marriage and a family.

[Sparkie460]

You feel free to express yourself. You're letting your inner child come out to shine.

[collie22]

Plus your happy in a loving relationship. 😊

[katiesmuff]

It's likely because when we are free and single we have no real responsibilities to anyone other than ourselves.

[justabuddy]

Yeah, the security of having a partner really help change the over all mood a bit.

[Jamie05rhs]

This is a great post. I think you really touched on something really important. I totally agree with you. There is a difference. I feel the same way.

[fuddly]

Interesting

I think you're just emotional because your single and not enjoying it

And nobody likes being single

[Shanigal313]

Not true. Many people including myself like being single…it’s actually quite peaceful. You have time to work on yourself and not worry about anyone else. 😊

[fuddly]

You are very pretty
You can get a guy any day of the week
Your only problem is batting then away🙂

[KostasKouvalis]

It's simple, people want to please their partner

[MaxUsefull]

The only difference I see is that single women always have their radar on to see if there is a man looking at them.

[whistlingwh0res]

when you are single you are whore and when you are double you are an asswhore

[Zachgoat308]

stop asking dumb common sense questions

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

Zach goat, I’ll ask anything I’ll want 🤷🏻‍♀️

[In_Trance]

Desperation