Did I ruined my chance with her?

[Deafharmony]

Me and this girl been talking for bout 5 months now. Right now I'm going through the classic case her treating her friends little better than me. But she likes me and admit I liked her.

She's a kind, funny, and sweet girl but has side of her that gets me bit annoyed. She treat her good friends like there fuck buddies but me like crumbles of affection. So I let her know. Like the way she flirting, sharing particular moments together ( with me) is not friends do ( are friends or do you like me). I told her we have 0 in common, we share moments when it's convenient fir her, and she seem more into another guy. So I backed off after letting her know.

She was mad. She admit her feelings to me and everything. Saying she feel we are more than friends. She list off some basic ass shit I can get any girl to do.

1) add me on her personal account only her family knows cause it's her real number.

2) tell me her private information about her family and her real home adress if wanted come over.

3) she put her heart into everything she do for me.

4) she's always there fir Me, and her friend she treat more kind. She says cause he's kind to her. 🙄

1) just give another account then, 2) bonding is more than sharing useless personal information. I told her I want know her mind. Not what food she ate, not salon she been to. I want to know how she feel. Not what she did at work with some guy, or what some guy texted her. I want know your hobbies, not her showing me her stuffed animals. 3) She's like they dont allow them to get inimate with her and she enjoy my company. 4) everytime she see him. I thought they fucked already. But assure me they are just friends. After that we made up. She wasn't her usual self but asked if I missed her over and over. She even stalked my social media and trying to see if talkn to other girls. I'm numb at this point. I kinda like her but her friendly ways confuses the fuck out of me.

[Flatmanlewis]

There are some maturity issues here, on both sides of the equation. Did you ruin your chances? Hard to say. Do you have much of a chance - not with this many issues. You need to stabilize things, communicate better, and stop with the high-school games.

[Deafharmony]

Dude what more can I tell her? Fir 3rd time stop let's find common ground on what we got in common, aye let's watch TV show on your day off since on your works days your busy, aye the guy your flirting with seems you show little bit more attention to him than me. Aye please tell me if your bad mood, we can talk about it I'm here fir you. Aye, I understand you and him are friends cool, but while we all are hanging out include us in what's up. Like this Joe guy got you rapped around your fingers but you telling me like me. I didn't know you was competitive person or like pink gifts. When are alone in chat it about, foid, your job or really your personal life. Not jealous but... bored. so yeah nothing changed. So got tired doing too much and get 2nd or 3rd place back.

[Flatmanlewis]

My point is, greatly simplified, if it was meant to work it wouldn’t be so much work.

[Avicenna]

Sounds like you need to be talking to her about these things because her understanding seems to be different than yours.

[Deafharmony]

I did. I told her twice about this stuff. She told me her kind friend is someone she see as friend but she pay more attention to him.
The thing she view as special. I don't see cause everybody else get the same treatment. Besides personal information. I can take her word that she treat me more special. But I don't see it. And our time spent together. I'm deeply not interested cause she basically vlogs her life. So others know too. So I'm busy trying tell her we have 0 in common. And all that. I support her job but she dont support me. So I'm going naturally do what makes me happy. I talked to her about this stuff already. Just now I see I have move at slower pace. But on my time though.

[Avicenna]

Sounds like meeting another woman would be a better use of your tine

[Tharithi]

Bruhhh u don’t like her

[Deafharmony]

@Tharithi explain your case? I do. A guy don't know if you like them if your pushing away one day but want flirty and happy the next. Then she told me that we should change the subject cause it leads to kissing. about a week later she wanted to flirt with her cause enjoy the dirty talk. I'm like wtf?

[Deafharmony]

Dude 👊 thinking the same thing. But it's like I have pull back first and detach my feelings. Then just leave on a goid note.

[Tharithi]

U don’t like her u are trying hard to feel something for her

[Deafharmony]

@Tharithi okay but our conversation are one sided. 90% is about her. There's a kdrama I want us to watch, she dont want to do that, I send her thoughtful goodmorning and goodnight text, I support her job she do with my money, all I ask is communication and her time when she's available. That's it. No sex, None of that. Just me and her talk about our favorite animals or what was last thing that make her laugh. Some shit. We can't even do that. Talk about her work life, or nails, this and that... I want to get to know her mind, her thoughts, her dream car. Her hobbies. It's like. Uuuugh!!

[IslaTheWitch]

You have to start to improve your communication skills. Both of you.

The relationship is not about what you want or what she wants; it's about how both of you make it so that you are satisfied.

[Deafharmony]

I did told her. I told her everything. She still doing what she wants to do. We went one day without talking. I didn't know why. So I told her hey if anything on your mind. Tell me. I'm here for you. She wouldn't tell me. Then bout few months later sge did the same shit. I got mad told her aye yo what's up. No response. Nearly a day later she wants talk. Saying oh she was not feeling well, in a bad mood. Etc. I feel I don't give a fuck that shit is immature as shit. Sorry. E-hem. So just stop messing with her for awhile. That's when she got mad at me. I tell her and she admits too " I do act without thinking." And " I didn't mean to make it seem so extreme" owning up to it. It's 2024. I value my time.

[IslaTheWitch]

It's not important what you said. With poor communication skills, you can say nothing, and the effect could be even better. Communication is not about blaming. It is about showing YOUR point of view and politely asking your partner to share theirs. Then, you have to work hard to create a point of view which would be comfortable for both of you.

[Deafharmony]

Alright talk to me like I'm stupid. 🤔 this got my attention. Can you please elaborate on what you mean by "It is about showing YOUR point of view and politely asking your partner to share theirs. Then, you have to work hard to create a point of view which would be comfortable for both of you."

[IslaTheWitch]

Your whole post is one big blaming. Start to name your emotions, describe situations and how you felt without pointing to what she did wrong. Then tell her that. "When I saw you talking to this guy, I felt that and that. I didn't like when you touched his hand or looked into his eyes. It made me feel bad, and I'm afraid it will go further". Describe the situation and your feelings without making any evaluation of her actions. Ask her how she felt then. Learn what she enjoyed and what she was aiming for. Again, without any evaluation.

You can learn a lot this way if your blaming doesn't threaten her. Ask her if she can get what she needs from those contacts without making you feel bad. Talk about your and her needs, without evaluation, openly...

[Deafharmony]

I said that already and no I don't blame her, no false accusation. I told her when she didn't respond for that day I thought she was mad at me and just left. So stop responding too. When i did. She got back with me telling me the problem. But it's like why would do that twice. Get in bad mood then shut off like that. I get we all need head space but nearly a whole day. Tell me what's wrong.
So I just kept to myself til she was ready but I didn't check bk with her. She told me
"I have feelings for you, not just friends. Having said that today, I want to say one more thing. I told joe ( guy she's flirty with) that my feelings for you are more than just friends. I admit that I am very kind to joe but it is just a friend's feeling. I don't mind telling him that I am looking for you. I just want to make it clear that I admit that I am very kind to him because he is also very kind to me, but it is really just friendship. I'm telling the truth."

[IslaTheWitch]

She is just her. And I fully understand her. I'm also a flirty person. All my partners got to know me that way, lol. Fortunately all of them understood it's who I'm and never tried to restrain me, to their imagination of how their girlfriend should behave :P

If you like her, like her as a whole. She is open about her preferences. Can you be the same way open in accepting her?

[Deafharmony]

Okay I'm glad you said that. When I started adding people on social media to grow my youtube channel she got jealous, when added another myself to my second channel on tiktok. It showed she viewed my profile. When told her about this girl who messaged me wanting to talk bout kdrama and other similar things. She got jealous. When I separated for few days. And came back she told me 'a girl on your watch list and me followed each other, IG. Do you know why I followed her?🤣 I thought she was the girl you liked, and I wanted to know what she was like."
So if I go enjoy a other girl company talking casually it a problem but if she do it awe we just friends. Get that shit out if here lol!!

[Deafharmony]

Like Joe and her play and flirt and it's all cool. I tell her let's find common ground to enjoy each other company she slow to do that. But moment other people show interest in me! That's when she step up! She asked me my favorite dog, what do I like and dislike. It was like damage control.

[IslaTheWitch]

As long as it doesn't break the relationship boundaries - yes.

I set up rules that were very easy to follow. No touch, not catching feelings. I don't really care about the rest as long as it doesn't damage our relationship.

[Deafharmony]

So as a guy I'm supposed hear about her work life, her fashion style, the coffee she bought, the people she talked to at work. But the moment talk about my experiences or text my experiences all I get is a ❤️ or 👍 then share pictures of her self, her food, her friends photos with her in it. I can go on for 10+ minutes about it. Her. When post or talk about something. Conversation don't last at all. While this other girl cici knows the same kdrama we both know. She hold the conversation down. With this girl I'm with. Its like imma watch this show, eat and go to bed. I'm like okay... your off from work. You have time stream this live, but kept teasing me about revealing bits and pieces. I'm like you do your own thing cause 4th time asked us watch it. But I play along by saying " You show me that clip one more time, imma get you. Lol." You know trying not let bother me. I'm doing best I can no matter what you say I told her about it already and I have wait for change while this joe guy gets best of her.

[IslaTheWitch]

Talk to her. Don't expect her to read your thoughts. If needed, repeat yourself. What is so bad about open communication ffs? People aren't born perfect. They learn during their lives...

[Deafharmony]

Okay, I will go tell this brain dead girl fir the 5th time. Your off, let's go watch a TV show together. Oh wait can't cause she finished it already. Well looks like we have nothing else in common then. I see what your saying just enjoy each other company and not take it so seriously. Don't let it bother me and let her talk about herself 90% cause I have nothing better to do as a girl who confessed to me have communicate my feelings and my thoughts to her on regular basis about same shit. I'm learning. But I don't get no fulfillment from it. But I'll try it out. No harm in rewiring my head. Sent me video clip asking if missed her. She picked her lips out. Bitch no. But I'll just kiss her for head goodnight. Lol.

[IslaTheWitch]

no, tell her how you feel and ask her what she feels, ask her how you can make you both feel good, share your ideas and wait for her ideas.

take to her not tell her, can you see the difference?

[Deafharmony]

Yes, I definitely see the difference tell her, provide a solution then ask how she feel about it. But I got some shit to say... forget it. Alright I will follow your words. If I have problem, tell her, then ask her how she feel about it. Then provide a solution. Correct?

[IslaTheWitch]

no, TALK TO HER, treat her as your PARTNER, not a slave ffs, describe your feelings in specific situations, ask her how she feels about it, if she sees the same problem or maybe no problem at all. She is a different person ffs, she never will think the same way you do. When you know your points of view, you can describe your expectations and what you would like to have as an output. And you both commit into the process. You both make a decision, what next

[Deafharmony]

Okay so talk to her about my feelings on specific situation that's bothering me, ask her how she feel about what I just told her. then we both commit into the process of seeing each other point of view. Once we understand, we both make a decision on what's next. Correct?

[IslaTheWitch]

more or less. Repeat as many times as needed until you both learn how to talk to each other, not only tell things :D

[Deafharmony]

Oh jeeze. Fine. I'll have patience. She did told me that I should make decisions like that on my own. But I'm used to getting away from bullshit I told people about over and over. And when she said she treat me special and liked me. 👀 I'm looking around like.. who? But I'm glad I got more insight though. I don't know if lost my chance though. She stood up 3 hours passed her bed time to talk with me. Guess she lost feelings. But she still want to stay connected. Hate she told joe. She showed me screen shots of her conversation. Oh well. You live you learn I guess.

[Deafharmony]

We talked again. It was one sided but I caved in. She was asking if I missed her if I was ever going get back with her and all that. We spoke again but she really enjoyed my company. She was teary eyed and said she was surprised. I honestly fell out for real cause it got no where when I was trying to act like care. Now I'm backing off she's putting little more effort. The guy I was talking about got jealous that she's showing me more affection. He wasn't talking much was surprised we started talking again.

[Tharithi]

Wdym she’s treating her friend like fuck buddies

[Deafharmony]

Get excited when they are around, being my playful, sharing information about herself I didn't even know. But had figure out. Like she's a competitive person and like pink shit. She focus most her attention on a specific guy she talk about work to. And more stuff. I'm trying see if being petty or insecure but I see it's none. Wasting my time if here watching her and him cluck. But with me sge want be shy and nervous. To me that manipulative way of keeping me hostage. A back up. So I'm thinking we'll she us shy and can't express her emotions. Well cool but have bring something to the table rather than this phase. Cause see she can do more with others imma expect the same thing.

[Tharithi]

U are insecure tbh

[Tharithi]

Wdym focus attention? So she’s fuxking him wow lol

[Deafharmony]

Well I thought I was, insecure and jealous. But did little searching. Why admit you like me if her attention is more on him. But she want me to spend time with her alone and with our friends. I feel like a Wing man for Joe. When are along our conversation ain't shit. When are together she talk about same things she told me already. I'm like okay. Now I'm bored. Now I see how special things are. When I say focus her attention I mean they talk about work related stuff, private stuff, and playful banter. She like pretend to want fight him. Or other stupid gestures, he took picture of one of her expressions and was " Jooooe!!! Noooo!! I'm going get you." Then throw punches in the air with pouty face. Me and this guy looked each other like. Da fuck.

[In_Trance]

Yeah