Guys, You're out on a date... do you focus on enjoying the date or do you keep trying to chip away at the person to find their flaws?

[DishLady]

I was on a date (hold the applause) and the guy kept asking questions as if it were a job interview, till finally I chuckled and asked, "Did you find it yet?"

He asked, "Found what?"

And I said, "The flaw you've been looking for since we stepped into this place."

I don't think he realized he was doing it. It was just his go-to thing to ask endless questions.

The planned activities helped let up the stress a bit, but we hit another snag about long term relationship goals, cultural/racial questions, etc.

So the date went firmly south in my opinion bc I was there ready to just experience the first date with this fellow, who brought a lengthy spreadsheet of questions and claims with him... then tried to pressure me into heading back to his for sex and nightcap (which of course I didn't do).

So my questions to you guys: On a date (especially the first date when you don't know each other) ...

• Do you focus on enjoying the date or do you grill the gal to the point that the evening becomes unpleasant?
• Do you take the hint when the gal tries to redirect and make the evening/conversation more pleasant?
• Do you keep trying to convince her to come home with you even though the date clearly was a disaster?
• Are you still a gentleman at the end of the night (though she said NO to sex and is unlikely to go out with you again) and walk her home?

[MrOracle]

I wouldn't ask those questions) or, perhaps, only a few of them) on a first date, for exactly the reasons you didn't like it, but those questions DO need to be answered, and sooner rather than later. Not on the first date, but by the end of the fifth date isn't an unreasonable goal.

Being in a relationship is a serious and costly investment, and long term compatibility is the single most important factor in it working out or not. That's why these questions need to be asked.

And it goes back ways. Most girls I have dated after my high school years have asked me about my job, my education, my living situation, and other such qualifying questions. Of course, it's couched as random conversation, but it isn't - it's vetting. As such, it's only reasonable to expect men to do the same.

in my opinion, this guy's error was trying to do it all at once on the first date. I get that he's trying to be efficient and get it over with - there's a logic to that - but obviously that needs to be tempered with manners, social expectations, and trying to have a good time. Sadly, some guys are either a bit Sheldon Cooper autistic or they just totally lack social experience. They usually don't mean any offense, but I understand how it could be received that way.

[DishLady]

I agree that that info (and a bit more) should be clear before declaring a relationship. But I wouldn’t have made it part of the first date at all.

[OlderAndWiser]

"Do you focus on enjoying the date or do you grill the gal to the point that the evening becomes unpleasant?" I want a first date to be enjoyable for both of us, so I have no specific agenda for information to uncover. What I am really looking for is things like: is she kind to the wait staff? Is she well mannered? Does she listen as much as she talks? Does she seem engaged and interested? I ask questions, but nothing that would embarrass a woman. I ask questions like: what do you want to accomplish in the next five years? What are your priorities in life? What do you need to get from a relationship? If you are choosing a place to live, what is your most important criterion?

"Do you take the hint when the gal tries to redirect and make the evening/conversation more pleasant?" No need to take a hint because I girls don't need to give me hints.

"Do you keep trying to convince her to come home with you even though the date clearly was a disaster?" No, I never expect sex on a first date and would probably be disappointed if a woman offered that.

"Are you still a gentleman at the end of the night (though she said NO to sex and is unlikely to go out with you again) and walk her home?" Most first dates are a result of an online meeting, so she drives herself to the restaurant and meets me there. After dinner, I walk her to her car. If the date went well, I expect that she at least wants to hold hands while we are walking, and perhaps she will be receptive to a goodnight kiss as we are saying goodbye.

[HawkPerception]

I'd like to think I try to enjoy the date, but I still think the point of a date is to get to know each other and what makes each other tick, so questions are okay to ask. As long as they're tasteful, lighthearted, and not asked in an interview manner.

I do try to take the hint when a girl tries to redirect conversation, but I do have to admit if she does, it's a bit of a turn off. I try to be as considerate and respectful as possible when conversing with a date, and if they try to redirect conversation, it shows me they're not an open and easy going person. I'm an open book and comfortable talking about whatever, so why can't they be too?

I definitely try to be a gentleman (in the modern way of that... not pulling her seat or opening her car door, but more so things like walking her home, giving her my coat if it's cold, etc.) And I definitely don't expect sex after a first date. I'm open to it (although it's never happened to me), but I would never pressure the girl or even bring it up. I kind of wait for a girl to bring up sex.

[Summeroflove]

Some people have been hurt others are narcissists and expect someone to be perfect. A first date is just getting to know someone. That’s it…

People who are asking too many personal questions and third early on. Are red flags

[ohsheeT]

I dont even think about flaws. If I do there my own.

I dont have time for that I'm in it for the fun the friendship and the silly laughter. And for the moment in time , just to be yourselves i'm not perfect. I don't believe anybody else needs to be either. Not unless they feel the need too be.. but that's their choice

[Spencer10]

2 main goals for me. Enjoy the date obviously and next maybe get to know the woman better and decided if i want a 2nd date. Thats the point of dating. If hooking up was my goal i would be very clear about my intentions.

[DishLady]

If you were hooking up with the gal would you ask her on a date?

[Spencer10]

Maybe. But I would still be clear that a relationship was not a goal.

[Daytoday79]

Ughh, why would anyone do that? Is it a date or an interogation?

I want to enjoy my date's company and get to know her better. And call me old fashioned but I like to treat my date to dinner all the time and accompany her home.

And if the date doesn't go well for whatever reason I treat her with respect and hope she can find a guy she likes.

And I'm certainly not expecting or wanting sex until we get to know each other and we see if we connect.

[DishLady]

I thought at some point that he'd turn a lamp on me like in a Perry Mason movie! Lol.

Yes, that's ultimately what happened, but it was surrounded by the inquisition. I don't know why. The proposition was actually surprising given how poorly the date went.

[Daytoday79]

He sounds like an insecure guy who thinks he's entitled to act/do whatever he wants. A major red flag, obviously.

[FunkyMonkee]

I mostly enjoy the date. If she wants me to know things about her, I'm pretty sure she'll spill. But, I MIGHT ask from time to time. Mostly if I think there's a potential we could end up as something more.

[DishLady]

I don't have an issue with being asked questions, but honestly... the full-on inquisition wasn't necessary.

[FunkyMonkee]

Correct. I tend to let the other person do the asking, partly because I don't wanna sound like a braggart, partly because I don't want to sound like an inquisitor. I don't mind answering questions. Maybe my answers will spur on questions that I might wanna ask.

[DishLady]

I'm used to more back-and-forth... one person asks a question then the other person says, "what about you?" or asks a similarly minor question.

[FunkyMonkee]

Yeah, that could happen, too.

[MannMitAntworten]

The majority of dates I have been on since moving West back in 2004 have mostly consisted of women talking about their work and their trials and tribulations with certain co-workers. The few women I carried actual conversations with I went on more than one date with.


I do not “interview” the women I go out with. Either we resonate or we don’t.

[exitseven]

are guys really such jerks? I purposely did not look for flaws because that would just ruin the whole night. The flaws will show up eventually. I never forced the sex. It never worked anyway.

[DishLady]

Apparently so.
I mean, I know my flaws. I'm not hiding them or anything. I try to work on them a little every year and that's that. I didn't get the even WANTING sex after his inquisition. I mean... he was cute enough that I accepted the date, but not enough to endure all that when we barely know each other!

[ArrowheadSW]

If I were to go on a first date with a new lady who I met, there would most likely be some common interests that we shared if we would even be going on that first date. I would probably be talking more about what we had in common and sharing stories about that. I think I'd be more focused on enjoying the date and talking about stuff.

[ryanrhino]

• Enjoy the date. There will be a few things to ask to see if a 2nd date is in the cards.
• An honorable gentleman should sense the change and adjust the tone and topic.
• No, why after an inquisition would anyone be aroused?
• Walk her home or at least where she feels safe to get home.

[Mark987]

When I go on a date, I most importantly want to see how well our banter is, I like women that talk and are not shy.

[DishLady]

Yes exactly.

[bowenw]

1. I focus on enjoying the date and getting to know her better, not trying to find flaws.
2. I would take the hint
3. No
4. Yes

[Thecubs22]

I usually enjoy the date first. Looking for the flaws would slowly come later

[stratford]

I'm just trying to work out if I'm going to get laid at the end.

Just joking ;)

[guesswhereivebeen]

Why are you so obsessed with finding flaws… everyone has flaws

[DishLady]

I’m not… and that’s what I told my date. But thanks for trying to flip it.

[Anonymous]

I've never been on a date, but if I ever had girlfriend, I would focus on her.

[Alex-Snow]

I look at positive things and like to have fun

[worldscolide]

I focus on enjoyment and getting to know her.

[Staximus]

I just try to have fun and get to know her

[Ironco]

I'm the last one...

[beefcakebradybatson]

I TRY TO FOCUS ON HER BOOBS !!!