We're Not Parents, But We Matter

[Anonymous]

For the past nearly 15 years of my life, I have worked with children. I don't have any children, but I have worked for the YMCA for a few years, I've worked with the Girl Scouts of America, I worked for a Children's Museum for many years, and work in the local school district. Clearly, if I hated kids, I wouldn't have continued to work with them. Now as a byproduct of these many jobs and just living my life, I have run into sooooo many incredulous parents that think just because they have children, and I don't, they some how have more rights than me or that because they have kids and again, I don't, I'm not allowed in any capacity to even suggest anything having to do with their children or children's behavior.

First of all, to all these parents that jump up on this holier than thou pedal-stool at every opportunity, did you ever for a second consider that I or other childless may not be able to have kids? We childless sort could have spent every last cent trying infertility treatments to no avail and then to have someone imply that, basically, if you'd tried hard enough, you could be them right now with an apparent right to tell it like it is simply by virtue of being a parent. It's uncalled for. You don't know anything about these childless people you are trying to call out and shame. Nothing. Don't assume.

Second, neither we, the childless, nor you, have the complete and total right to any place or any area unless there are restrictions to said areas. So, let's say we're in a restaurant and your kids are going nuts throwing their toys onto our childless table and screaming their heads off. We try to be nice for a while, but just like you, we are forking over our hard earned paycheck to eat at what we thought would be a quiet establishment where we could unwind from our insane day at work with our significant other. So when we do turn and ask that you please keep your child's toys away from our table after the 5th time, that is NOT an unreasonable request. Us childless shouldn't have to just endlessly endure your child's behavior just because you gave birth to them. You pointing out, well, if you had kids, you would know, is irrelevant because either can't have them, don't have them at present, or don't want them for whatever reason and that is just as valid as whatever reason you had for having them.

Third, if your children are in danger or are putting others in danger, I, or other childless do have the right to speak up. I personally have seen plenty of children injured or hurt doing things that could have been prevented had a parent been supervising them and not on Facebook (and no, I'm not talking about you looked away for a few seconds!). It has literally been my job for 15 years to watch your children and make sure they don't die or get hurt or injured on my watch, and that requires that I actually be vigilant and watch them because if something happened to them, you're going to kill me and I'd certainly be fired. So your kid is running, knocking back and fourth in a chair, hitting other children with rocks, and any number of things, I think any decent person should call out this action and call attention to it, so a parent can then supervise or discipline their kid. How many times is a parent nose to phone, and not actually seeing what their kids are doing, and then these same parents go off on people for actually paying attention and protecting their kids. You by virtue of being a parent does not trump common sense and safety.

Last, don't assume because you have children, your life is obviously the hardest and no childless person has to go through anything "on your level." You made the choice, in most cases, to have children. You chose to take on whatever came with that responsibility. That is not the fault of the childless, nor are we going to be held accountable for your actions. If you want to blame someone for your struggles, blame yourself. There will always be someone who has it worse or better than us, but we are all dealing with what we are dealing with and your hard may be nothing compared to what that childless person is going through, so don't assume your kids make your life the absolute worst because you sure do talk a lot about how great and wonderful they are, and how we childless should have them. How can something you describe like that be...the worst exactly?

My final thoughts are thus. In 15 years, I've literally been around, cared for, taught, played with, disciplined, and chaperoned thousands of children. That doesn't make me a parent, but I will not be bullied by you parents for having a voice, for wanting to enjoy a public space, for wanting to enjoy events both you and I have both equally paid for, wanting to protect your kids from harm, and most importantly, for my lack of children.Respect is a two way street and if you can't respect that we childless don't have kids, then why should we childless respect the fact that you do?

[vonasaurus]

yes! hear, hear~ i love this take!

like you, i like kids~ i have 6 nieces and nephews, all of whom i love to death, but having my own just doesn't fit into my life plan, now or ever. and, as long as people respect that, i'll respect their decision to have a hockey team's worth of kids... and probably spoil said kids rotten with toys and treats in the process.

but

in the end, you made the choice to have those kids. and it's only when your choice interferes with my ability to have a quiet night out with my husband or spend a day at the library, undisturbed, that we'll have a problem.

i have experienced situations like the one you described, and it's amazing how many people simply don't care what their kids do or how it affects others... as if being a parent somehow absolves them of that responsibility (spoiler alert: no, it most certainly does not).

i frequently get hit with "you're not a parent, so you don't get it" from relatives and member of my social circle, and it makes me want to scream~ how your being a parent somehow trumps common sense, i haven't the foggiest.

and, of course, there's the assumption that i'm less stressed out/have more money or free time than you... sorry, no. i'm a student, and my life is writing essays, working, and helping my husband manage our little family of two. we don't want to add to it, and our reasons are no one's business but our own.

(side note: i prefer the term child-free, since 'childless' implies that kids were wanted but that the person in question couldn't have them for some reason or other. just a personal preference).

[myTake Owner]

Thank you and child-free, it shall be.

Gosh, I have dealt with far more parent/child interactions than most, so I really know the good, and I really know the bad. I also have a lot more empathy than most seeing parents deal with everything from divorce/death and the effects on their children, parents with autistic children, parents with twins-triplets-quads, the terrible twos. Like, I get that, but where I draw the absolute line is when a parent wants to lord over me that I am child-free and therefore cannot say anything about anything in regards to children. I don't give advice, I don't tell parents how to raise their own children, but the examples I list above, are my territory. Your child is endangered, unreasonably interfering with myself as in the toy example, etc., I have a right to speak up. Having kids does not mean parents rule the world and children are allowed to do anything they want.

[myTake Owner]

The stress/money thing too is an absolute pet peeve of mine. A lot of people are struggling and to assume that kids make ones struggle harder than everyone else is just not realistic. Many many people have to do some tough things to survive, but with kids, that person made that choice to have them and so accept what all comes with that whether you thought it would go that way or not just as anyone else has to accept their own lot in life and their own responsibilities.

[vonasaurus]

you and i are a lot alike, that's for sure... this take even sounds like it could have been written by me (i actually did write a take on a similar subject a while ago, and it's nice to know that i'm not the only one who feels this way).

thanks so much for sharing this with us, and i hope that at least one other person enjoys it as much as i did. :)

[myTake Owner]

Well good. I'm glad someone gets it too. Ugggghhh and you are speaking my language about the long days/long shift thing. It's like, I just dealt with 200 kids today on a 9 hour shift. I spent more time with your kids in 5 days than they have because their kids are asleep for most of the time after they leave me. .. and those certain parents want to then lecture me about who's more tired dealing with their kids. SMH.

Thanks for reading/commenting. PS, if you have a link to your take, post it and I'll have a look. Sounds interesting.

[vonasaurus]

you are most welcome! and, if you're interested, here's the take i wrote:

www.girlsaskguys.com/.../a33839-childless-vs-child-free-why-they-re-different

similar theme, though not quite the same idea. and i definitely hear you when it comes to the whole free-time thing; sounds like the parents you've encountered should be so grateful as to have you looking after their little ones. :)

[meatballs21]

On behalf of every other childless person out there who is told we can't criticise people's ill mannered turds running riot:

media2.giphy.com/media/b9aScKLxdv0Y0/giphy.gif

[FallOutBoy2001]

Exactly!

[VirginiaBeachBum]

I don't know what encounters you've had with parents and their kids, but you really painted parents with a pretty broad brush on that one. Only a small percentage of kids behave as you describe. It seems you took personal encounters and inflated them to just create a rant. Fine, so be it if it makes you feel better. But most of us taught our kids how to behave around others so I don't see just what the point of all of this was. Being a parent is still a fundamental game changer. I'm not just their babysitter for a few hours a day. I'm their parent for the rest of their lives. You write about how parents do this and don't do that. Well, as a parent who raised 2 kids by myself, what would you do in those situations if it were your kids acting up? And what would you do for plan B when plan A doesn't work? And what about plan C? You've laid out all this criticisms about some subset of parents and how they treat childless people, but your post was as bad as you make them out to be towards you. Far more than I care to remember, I've had childless people try to tell me when and how I should do things I've been doing for years because they read it in a book or online. Well meaning, but ignorant just the same. I was childless before I had children, so I've lived both sides. So when childless couples are willing to step into my shoes 24/7/365, then maybe we can talk about their advice for parents.

[madhatters4]

i'm a parent. i don't judge anyone who chooses or can't have kids. i don't think the majority of parents do... frankly we don't have time to worry about why other people don't have kids.

but if people are prejudice against people who don't have kids that is wrong.

[Iraqveteran666]

I agree. People should be more responsible for their kids and kids actions. Of course there's allowances but a child screaming their head off or running amoke in a resturant or whatever while the parents ignore it is just not on.

[1truekhaleesi]

This put such a big smile on my face and I want to hug you. So many parents have this holier than thou mindset just because they birthed a child and its so annoying. I especially hate when they say that because we don't have kids, we don't have the right to complain if we're tired. Some people are tired because they worked a 12 hour shift. Other people are tired because they have a disability.

[SarahsSummer]

It seems like you may be speaking to some very specific people out there. People who don't know how to control their kids in restaurants or deal with criticisms of their kids behavior. I really don't think the majority of parents would share someone for NOT having kids, whatever the reasons may be.

[Izumiblu]

So nothing of what you said has anything to do with childless vs with child

sounds to me like basic manners

[Anonymous]

If you have a problem with fertility I can help you fix this. Where exactly is the problem at?

[Anonymous]

a brave take😊