Boyfriend was going to meet up with another girl? Have your cake and eat it too?

[Anonymous]

my boyfriend of nearly 4 years planned a trip to panama with his buddies...i found on his email where he was trying to meet up with a girl there...he says he loves me and I know he means it but why do guys try to talk to other girls?

[Darkfairie17]

I wouldn't listen to what some of these other people are saying. Being bored, or not fulfilling his fantasies are all just excuses that men AND women use to justify hooking up with someone during a relationship with someone else. If he truly loves you and wants to marry you, he wouldn't be meeting up with some girl in Panama who he met off of Craigslist. I would confront him about it. Don't sound angry, but just straight up tell him, I saw your email and you are meeting a girl, what is up with that?

I know it hurts to think he may be cheating, he may not be trying to, but you just never know. And it's especially crucial if he may become your fiancée someday, to at least know what is going on with him. It's normal for guys to go on trips with their friends. But what is unacceptable is going there to meet another woman. How would he feel if you were talking to a guy, and instead of studying were meeting with this new guy? I'm sure he would be just as hurt as you probably are now. So I think you are justified in asking some questions.

You probably shouldn't be looking through his emails, but now that you know, you two have to be upfront. He will probably be upset that you checked his emails. But I mean how justified is he in meeting this other girl anyway? :S

I wish you the best, hopefully it was just nothing.

[Asker]

i spoke to him about it...he hasn't left for panama yet but he said that nothing ever turned into anything and that he wasn't going to but I scared him a bit lol...which he deserved! but he wasn't mad I looked at his email because he left it open so it was just calling my name haha...thanks guys!

[Anonymous]

Don't believe the hype. You found out he was trying to meet up with another girl in Panama and you don't think anything shady was going on? This is the first time THAT YOU KNOW ABOUT. He just got caught, doesn't mean he's never cheated on you before. Cheaters talk to other girls because they aren't done playing around and don't want to be monogamous.

[Hazel63]

if he really loves you he wouldn't want to be looking for other girls to meet up with while on vacation. :( He'd want to be with you.

[Eiffelgirl21]

i agree

[Anonymous]

Because exclusivity is actually unnecessary, but many girls are lost in their fairy tale world and would freak the f-ck out if the guy ever had sex with another girl, despite how if he still remains with the girl no harm is caused and at least he doesn't get bored. Possibly that's why.

And of course, she might just be a friend. Lol.

[Asker]

i fulfil every fantasy he's asked for...and I have been completely faithful...i mean I'm a nursing student and am super busy now and I told him he could go with his buddies and I find an email where he answered a craigsllist post saying "how serious are you? I'm a student visiting this week ...lets trade pics" what's the deal? what do I do? he is asking to marry me!

[Opinion Owner]

I really doubt you can fulfill the fantasy of being someone else.

What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, what are you doing in his mail anyways?

Sheesh, if he had sex with someone else once and never saw her again, he won't love you less.

Though he should definitely use a condom. xD

[Opinion Owner]

Look, the greatest problem with long-term sexually exclusive relationship (aka for example marriage) is that you eventually GET BORED of each other. And if you can't trust him enough to have sex with someone else (in case it has been discussed and talked over! not just happening in the background.. but you wouldn't be understanding so it seems anyways) as you think he'll just run away with a girl who's "better in bed", then YOU have insecurities AND trust issues.

[Asker]

he got on my computer and never logged out so out of curiousity I looked...and no he should be faithful! if he wants to be with other people he shouldn't be with me

[Opinion Owner]

*trust him enough to let him have sex with* I kinda missed out on the "let him" which changed the entire meaning of the sentence, but you get what I mean.

[Opinion Owner]

This is EXACTLY what I'm talking about. You don't foresee how these things work! Sexual exclusivity is a POISON to a relationship. And if it's all about "faithfullness" to you to cover up for your delusional thinking and your trust issues, then sure, maybe he'll be better off with a girl who's mature and grown up for a new world, where people actually have their needs met and not just blindly follow a false ideal of broken delusions.

[Asker]

no we have discussed that if we want to be withothers or get bored that we would do it together...he was just being a hound! wasn't telling me...hiding it from me...and that isn't okay. I have been faithful and just because you get bored doesn't mean its OK to run to someone else..thats not how a relationship works

[Opinion Owner]

And a relationship shouldn't work how it works now.

But anyways, the point is, you can't know if he got anywhere serious with this spam-girl from craigslist. You basically checked into his mail, invaded his privacy, and maybe what you saw was not what you think. Everything is a possibility in this case.

...I really think you should give that "sexually non-exclusive relationship" some thought, or at least on the long run, when things get booooring, unexciting, and unsatisfying.

[Asker]

you are right...the thing is...he admitted to it. and I wish he would communicate if things are boring because I didn't feel like I was doing anything wrong...he was telling me how perfect our relationship has been and planning our future is what I don't understand

[Opinion Owner]

He admitted to "having cheated" on you? Ow. Wow.

Well, to tell you the truth, he possibly did it because you wouldn't have seemed to accept it. He wanted to fix this "boredom" if that was his reason for the "fling", without giving you a reason to be concerned or making you think the flaw is in you.

He possibly just wanted you to stay relaxed and calm, and didn't want to screw up the relationship by letting you know he's doing something you would possibly leave him for.

It was for your relation.

[landingsight]

Hate to jump in here, but some people don't want non-exclusive relationships. Those "some people" being the large number of people on this site who post questions like this whining about their significant other cheating and it's breaking their heart, or the people who are still married and faithful.

If open relationships are your cup of tea, that's fine, but the key is that all parties involved have to agree to it. The asker here clearly isn't into that, so quit telling her she's delusional.

[Opinion Owner]

Your relationship is probably perfect, but it just cannot provide everything. No relationship can. On the long run, this sexual aspect of it always falls apart. He probably loves you and didn't want to lose you over something stupid like this.

As I said, you should think about loosening the exclusivity from time to time. You can still stay true to each other, stay together, live together and be together, even if you have some needs met elsewhere when necessary.

[Opinion Owner]

Landing, I said in a ( ) that "in case it has been discussed and talked over! not just happening in the background.. "

But most people don't even want to hear about it, so it's barely ever discussed. I didn't say f*** everyone in sight, I said it's necessary on the long run from time to time.

[Asker]

then how do I react? because it breaks my heart I feel like I'm not enough

[Asker]

yeah pretty much...i just don't know what to do...i feel like I'm not enough and I don't want it to happen again...

[Opinion Owner]

It's hard to provide an easy-to-do advice for this case, because I can change my thinking easily.

It's harder with people who actually feel and still have beliefs.

Anyways, for one, you need to realize that it is not -your- fault. If it had been, he wouldn't have gone all the way to try to protect you from feeling hurt.

For two, you need to change your mindset on sexuality - it's not about him connecting with someone else - it's about gaining experience of something new to break the pattern...

[Opinion Owner]

Also, I don't know how much it matters to you, but sorry about the insults that I put in my answers and comments from time to time. So yeah, sorry about being harsh.

And I hope you'll be able to do a "mindset reset" and dismiss all these negative feelings towards yourself, considering it's not your fault, and this is a universal problem most relationships run into. You just have to be able to accept the solution.. and decrease the value you associate with "sex" and its exclusivity.

[Asker]

thanks...no I didn't take it harsh ...but we have kept a semiopen relationship..both agreeing to if we are with anyone we want to both be there pretty much...and anyways...i told him that I thought he was bored...he didn't admit lol just said he was scared to anwser to that...but your advice truly helped!

[Opinion Owner]

I'm glad. =)

[acka72]

If you are not married for 10 plus years and he is cheating on you dump the douche. Gradually with time you won't be enough for him and not only will he be cheating on you but he willmlose the desire to have sex with you. Talk to him about your sex life and how you can make it better between the two of you and share fantacies that both of you guys want to share. It is clear that you are not happy with the cheating and think if you want to accept cheating in your life for the plus 20 years.

[Opinion Owner]

Soooo many people disagree...meh.

It's cheating only if you think of it as cheating.

A little difference from time to time does not hurt if both people agree to it and know about it and use necessary protection to prevent any STDs from going around.

But QA said that my advice helped, and this is not something worth breaking a relation for, I think.

[Eiffelgirl21]

Hmmm yeah I am sure you would LOVE it if your girl found another guy to have sex with..and his penis was so much bigger and better than yours..and he was such a good lover that she kept going back for more! Oh yeahh you'd love that! ! ! Imbecile.

[Opinion Owner]

If it was the only way to preserve our relation, it would still be better than discarding everything I've had, in case she really meant enough for me to be willing to cope with it.

Also, it's funny how you're all about big d***s. I know some people who are in a committed -open- relationship and don't have issues with that. Some people get more people involved in their activity. There are various ways to work it out, you know. Not necessarily through jealousy and hatred.

[palek]

Sounds like a cake hound to me. Either coat your head with frosting or head down the road.

[Anonymous]

try to talk?

sounds like he's looking for more than just talk

[Asker]

yeah and now that he knows I found out he is begging and pleading to work it out promising it won't happen..its hard to leave him cause HE is the one that screwed it up! but I don't know what to do?

[Opinion Owner]

dump him! this probably isn't event he first time he cheated