Why is it so hard for men to stay friends with women?

Question

As someone who has difficulty to make girl friends, guys are like my savior lol. The thing is after they found out that I am getting married soon, they either avoid talking to me, show passive aggressive attitude or act all bitter in a subtle way. I thought it was a culture thing since our country is still kind of conservative in some ways, so male female platonic friendship is not so common if one of us is taken. Now, I realize it is a "global" thing 😂 because the foreign guy friends that I have are not much difference than our men here. I mean, there are a lot of things to talk about other than just "you and me" lol.
Anyway, I am glad that I am not in a relationship with any of them since it is so obvious there is only one thing that they want from me.

backinblack22 · Accepted Answer

Few reasons:

1. If there is sexual attraction on either side than a “real” friendship is never possible. The acid test is if you feel jealous if your opposite friend is seeing someone else. You literally have to be in the same house as your opposite friend and their lover and feel no jealousy.

2. Platonic or sexual most men feel a need to protect, care for and treat women differently than they would treat a male buddy. We will feel pressure in social situations to protect her, pay more than our fair share, etc. We also feel pressure to help her move heavy furniture or help fix household/automotive problems. Not the same vice versa at all... at least when it comes to heavy lifting and strong physical protection.

3. There are some dark and dirty things you just don’t tell the opposite sex even if things are 110% platonic. One of my longtime galpals who always claimed to be “not like other girls” (and for a while I believed her) said one of the most disgusting double standard female quirks I’ve ever her heard in my life. While talking about her ex husband (whom she divorced) she said “Joey is a good man but NOT an alpha”. That was by far one of the worst yet honest horrifying insights I got about how the female mind really works. Being a genuine nice guy myself it depressed the living hell out of me hearing her say that.

3. Straight men don’t seek out women to be “just friends with”. Period. We might become friends with women through happenstance (work, hobbies, school). But how often do you see guys on dating apps seriously saying they want “friends only”. But yet you see women saying seeking “friends only” all the time. Why?

4. The wife of a married man might feel threatened by an old gal pal. This usually depends on the woman though. But still she might feel suspicious. If he’s having a hard time with her it’s all too easy for him to “hang out” with his gal pal. Men feel the same way very strongly too about their wives having “guy friends”. If she’s pissed at him it’s all too easy for her to “seek comfort” with some readily available guy.

When it comes down to men and women can be friendly but never completely legit friends. Why you women get so hung up on this is beyond me.

roland77 · Accepted Answer

Jerks are there, I know that for sure. Still I strongly believe that there are other, real males (for you, being engaged?) that are not after sex-only things and it is good you probably found one that wants your emotions first, then sex (it is be natural for a couple to make love).

So, good for you that you noticed these jerks before they stuffed their dick in you. Sorry, I don't mean it hard on you, I mean on them. Little story?
-----
I was in a boarding house where really bad people live. I was there for a mild reason, being slow on social development and that I loved my computer to much, I was "addicted" to it. Anyway. One day, a young African woman came there (for whatever reason she has to come, she should never have to) and all guys (I can still remember the worst 2 guy's names for 100%: N. J. and T. Z.) turned horny on her. I know they only want sex from her so I felt really sad already (for her, of course). I later found her and hold her hand for a while and asked "Looks nice, ha?" while looking down on our hand pair. I was then to shy to get (quickly before these cowards) as my girlfriend so they used her for sex pleasure. I was later approached by one (N. J.) and asked if I "want her because she is horny in bed". I refused and answered that I would want her as a girlfriend. He could not understand that and asked back why, then I replied that I would even kiss her. Now it comes hard: He replied: "No kissing them, yuck! They are only there to be fucked."

aWes0MeNeSs · Accepted Answer

I completely agree with you on your last sentence. Plus, if I were to date again, friendship first would be a MUST for me. I don't see how people can just jump into relationships with people they barely know and wouldn't have anything to do with if they weren't dating. Whenever a guy gets upset or doesn't want anything to do with me other than something sexual, I automatically know he sees me only as a prospect for something to fuck and not for the person I am.

However, in your situation, it could be that the guy feels uncomfortable with what your fiance might think and doesn't want to possibly interfere with a relationship (especially since it's not unknown for people to have affairs behind their partners' backs, which can start out as just friendly conversation. I know it's not fair, but unfortunately idiots ruin good things for people all the time).

I also have a hard time clicking with women and get along great with guys. I don't know what it is, but I have a tough time relating to most women, especially women my age. Unfortunately, it seems that platonic opposite sex friendship isn't a super common thing, at least not nearly as much as same sex friendship. I think if you keep looking though, you might be able to find some good ones! Mine are mostly friends I've had for many years, a couple since childhood.

mistixs · Accepted Answer

A male friend told me that it's because it would be too emotionally painful to be around the girl if he wants her but can't have her

Finchie40 · Answer

Well that’s a good thing considering you are getting married , your husband isn’t going to be to fond of you having male friends just like you won’t be fond of him having girlfriends , so having opposite sex friends shouldn’t even be a question of concern for you cuz your husband should be your number 1 priority , I am not saying you shouldn’t be friends with any men but out of respect for your husband you should limit those friendships considering most guys can’t be friends with a girl without them feeling like they have a chance with her , it’s just the way it is , my ex had a male co worker that was married, he was older and she would tell me he was just friends with her , well I saw right through that old bastard after awhile I caught him sending flirty texts to her so I put my foot down that it was disrespectful , my ex got mad at me saying I was being insecure she would say he was just joking around , I said they aren’t jokes, how would his wife feel if she saw these texts?

josephforsse1 · Answer

That is a complex issue. Not all of us are like that. Many are , and it is a few things. first, most guys are attracted to you and even under the guise of friendship, we hope that you would grab our hand, tell us without words , and our ego doesn't handle rejection from someone we see ourselves w very easily. Im leaving out gay guys as that doesn't apply. also we feel like you want us around and eventually we ask. Fear of embarrassment and rejection keeps us quiet untill we have to tell you. Happened to me last week. I have been crushing on someone who we are only friends. I had to let her know because what ifs are haunting. Always the what if is thought of. I was rejected and she knew for many months how i feel and she was dropping hints. To say the least , i was rejected and ego smashed. i can't even talk to her because im so embarrassed. When someone u care for and spend a ton of time w lets all your hopes down it hurts. I dont think i can stay friends any more.

ChiTown33 · Answer

Not necessarily. How much do you talk about other guys around them? I mean the way your post reads is that you mention getting married and said they turned cold to you. Do you ever consider that they might feel they're losing a friend? I mean had they tried to get into your pants to date? Then why would you think that's all they were about. Put the shoe on the other foot and they were getting married. In other words you were no longer the close woman in their life someone has taken your place how would that make you feel? Think about it.

jss123 · Answer

My ex asked me out and called me lots. Six months later I asked her for us to become official and she doesn't give me a direct answer... Shessaid she'd try. A year after that it became clear she wasn't interested when we first spoke about a relationship and wants us to stay friends... She just liked being treated as if we were.
I was in love with her and devastated.
She knew that because I told her I was in love with her..
No way I'm going to be friends under those circumstances. She wanted friendship with relationships perks even after that...

CallMeDave · Answer

I don't think it's that hard. I have quite a few friends that are women. Some are single and some are married. I think I have more friends that are women than friends that are men. At one time, my best friend was a woman.

A lot of people don't think it's possible for men and women to have platonic relationships or at least can't do it themselves. I'm not sure why, but I have a theory. If a guy thinks of a woman primarily as a potential sex partner, then I think it would be hard to be friends if she's in a relationship with someone else. But if a guy thinks of a woman primarily as a person, then being friends with her would be no different than being friends with a guy and having her be in a relationship with another guy wouldn't be a problem either because it wouldn't feel like he's competition.

ManOnFire · Answer

I personally can still be friends with women even if they are in a relationship - and I have some female friends who have boyfriends/husbands, but I do prefer more to be friends with women who are single, yes. I can understand how guys get disappointed when they find out that their "female friend" is already taken. Many times a guy  is  a friend with a woman in the hopes something will happen. That actually isn't wrong. All relationships - and even FWBs - should start with friendship. Men want to be in relationships with women they know and are on friendly terms with. Not just random chicks.

Jackelray · Answer

I would say it is very difficult for someone if they aren’t very mature to stay friends with someone who they are attracted to. So if a guy find you attractive it is difficult for him to remain friends with you once he realises there’s no chance of him sleeping with you. It’s childish, it’s selfish, and it means they’re not really your friend. They are just somebody that is waiting for an opportunity to sleep with you. Or they have somebody who just wants to fantasise about the possibility of sleeping with you.
It’s just another kind of objectification and you don’t need in your life.

D_Bone_Steak · Answer

I think any woman should take a good hard look at men that orbit her under the guise of "friend." Expecially if he's acting like a S. I. M. P. and there isn't really real reason for it. ... you know, like that guy that hangs around, shares no real common interests, empathizing with shit a man wouldn't give 2 shits about from one of his dude friends.

I'll put like this, she usually just likes the attention and he thinks he's getting 1 step closer to 1 thing. "Nice guy syndrome" at its best. I mean, a salesman will act friendly too... but that don't mean he's a friend.

Trolloween · Answer

I don't think it's difficult when you know you're only friends. Maybe they always hoped you'd want them to be more? I've had lots of female friends who I never wanted to sleep with and couldn't care less when they got a boyfriend or already had one as long as he wasn't a jealous idiot.

VintageND · Answer

It's not I had plenty of girl friends and still do who even after getting pregnant didn't stop being my friend and even though they were hot before and after the baby I'm not just friends because they are hot or anything they are just like my guy friends I hang out with them because they are cool and interesting and if you're friends with someone because you think you have a shot at sex you're thinking with your genitals not your brain and certainly not your heart and that's what we in the business call a fake friend and fake people in my opinion can jump into an acid bath along with liars charlatans and cheats

Meropatrick · Answer

Actually i have the same problem but with women. many women i just wanted to be friends with ( pure platonic) have rejected my friendship. And usually it boils down to her boyfriend, her crush. Me being with her shows that she is not available or maybe promiscuous. therefore i am hurting her chances while her “biological clock is ticking”. It is the same with men. If he is with you and not dating you then you are hurting his chances with a girl who would f*** him. Plus many guys with macho attitude find girls not fun to hang out with they thinks she is needy, will not help instead will use him to help her. wouldn’t do cool stuff (motorbike riding, surfing... etc)

Anonymous · Answer

Imagine your fiancé coming home late telling you he was at the movies with a female friend of his. Even if indeed it's just a friend and she might even be in a relation of her own, the two of them alone at a cinema is just weird... it'll probably be weird for them too.
When you get married friendships change. You said it yourself you don't have female friends coz they're too busy, your guy friends might just be preparing themselves to see you less.
Also if they're really your friends how is it that they learned about your engagement through a post and not you happily telling them? That's a BIG event in your life and you never told your friends about it... That could've hurt them.

vxlsir · Answer

I know in my own personal experiences, most of the female friends I have had over my life the friendships have been one sided.. or when I meet someone they try to cause issues in my relationships, maybe from fear of losing a friend I don't know... so naturally they fade away or have to be pushed away... I won't say that is all of them though

DiscomfortZone · Answer

Because "friendship" between men and women is unnatural and never gonna happen unless they have sex first. The world is divided into three groups: those who know it's true, those who don't have the guts to admit it's true, and those too stupid to know it's true who will one day realize it and suffer for their stupidity. It is how it is :)

CubsterShura · Answer

Many guys who want something more than friendship but don't have the balls to admit it remain like platonic friends hoping that things will get better someday. They just show their true colors when they see that they clearly are not gonna get what they wanted.

i_can_help_2304 · Answer

So here is the thing in a close friendship between a girl and a guy its most likely the at least one of them will fall in love of maybe even both of them the reason why is because u spent a lot of time together so u could gatch feeling for each other usely the guys

helbigarthur · Answer

So personally I dont have any issue with it but I've had these circumstances before and the only issue that comes up is the guy she is dating or going to date ends up being jealous and fucks up everything or one day he decides he actually does like you probably after watching so movie and thinks ya we are kinda like that maybe I should take my chance with her. But it might be a little hard you kinda have to know what your doing I think on both parties to get it to work out great for both people some people think some things are small hits

SixFootSexy · Answer

No guy who respects another man will be close friends with his wife, it's disrespectful. I was friends and madeout with a girl but when I found out she was engaged I quit talking with her. There was chemistry between us, but she moved on and so had I.

You'll either have a ton of tension inherent in a female/male relationship or you just see her as one of the boys. TBH, most women aren't cool enough to be "one of the boys" maybe 1 in a 1000.

CindyRuns · Answer

I'm not sure what country you're from, but, yes, I agree with you that platonic relationships with guys can be difficulty. You're dealing with a bunch of things, the concern that you may start being attractive and desirable to them in a way that is more than just friends.

I do have a couple of guy friends and I work hard to set boundaries and make sure those don't get crossed

BCA6010 · Answer

For the most part, I am perfectly fine with both making friends with women, and staying friends with exes. In every case except one in regards to the exes, it has been the women who couldn't just be friends. Most women don't actually want a friendship, as that's still a two-way street, but instead are just trying to take advantage of a "friend," which is why especially in younger ages, men tend to stay friends with other men much longer than women do with other women.

Why is it so hard for men to stay friends with women?

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