Should I tell my wife what happened?

[Anonymous]

My wife and I dated back in high school and broke up during college, due to a disagreement. We got back together a few years later and she had a baby with a fling who treated her very badly and abandoned her. My wife’s daughter (7 years.) has high-functioning autism and has been a constant source of contention in our marriage being that I don’t get along with her daughter (our five-year-old daughter doesn’t get along with her either).

Due to the constant conflict, a year and a half ago I convinced my wife to let her daughter live with her sister. I then took a job across the country and our family relocated leaving her daughter with her sister.

This past December, my wife really wanted her daughter to spend the holidays with our family. I told her that I didn’t think that it was a good idea, being that I wanted our holidays to be peaceful and drama-free. She got upset and we started arguing (we never really argue unless it’s about her daughter). She left out for a while and forgot her phone at home. While she was out, her daughter called and I answered the phone. I was still really upset about the argument with my wife and I completely blanked and went off on her daughter (I’m sorry, I was just angry). I may have told her that my wife doesn’t even want her, that she’s a constant strain on our marriage, and I wished she’d just leave us alone.

Since then, she stopped calling and won’t talk to my wife despite my wife’s desperate efforts to connect with her (my wife doesn’t know why). She’s been cold and a bit hostile. This has caused my wife to become depressed (she’s on antidepressants). My wife seems to be trying to buy her affection to the point to where her daughter seems to be taking advantage of her (just like her daughter’s dad did, but I digress).

It’s hurt to watch my wife go through this, but I feel like I can’t tell her without ruining my marriage completely.

[yucychan]

You know what? You are a fucking asshole. Till now, you don't really want to admit that you said such hurtful things to her daughter. What is "I may have told her that my wife doesn’t even want her, that she’s a constant strain on our marriage". Either you did or did not said such hurtful things, so don't feed us bs such as "may or may not have".

Autism is a condition, no one asked to be born with it. She needs treatment and patience from her loved ones. Not some jerkface to tell her that her mum doesn't want her anymore. And you have the nerve to push the blame to that poor girl, saying that now she is taking advantage of your wife. You are a piece of shit, that's what you are. That girl is only 7 years old, she don't deserve your bs.

You should tell your wife. So that she would divorce you and leave your sorry ass. You don't deserve her nor your daughter. You don't deserve any pity nor empathy from anyone.

[SavageGirl101]

I’m sorry but I would’ve divorced your ass real quick for telling those lies to my child😐I hate children but what u did to that little girl has me pissed your so immature grow tf up it’s not all about u you knew that women had a child before y’all married so I don't know why u feel the need to break thier fucking bond 😑

[Anonymous]

Heart breaking, really.
You have systematically broken the relationship between a mother and her first born, and in doing so caused great harm to both.
I understand why. It's selfish but it's not unreasonable. You have no investment in the first born and she was causing you and your perceived family harm.
Unfortunately, you must fix it. I think you know this. It may cost you more than you would like.
You'll need to tell your wife about the conversation with her daughter, and potentially reach out to her sister and possibly the daughter.
Autistic people are very literal. It appears she's taken your cruel words to heart and believed them. She needs someone she trusts to explain what you did and why. Chances are she will understand the logic better than your wife.

[boggboss]

You are a fucking idiot that clearly shouldn't have married her if u had a issue with her having a daughter that is not your or has a mental disability all u have done is complicated your wife's life

[Asker]

Look, I’ll admit that we got married too soon, but I just really wanted to be with her and didn’t want to lose her again.

I don’t have a problem with her having autism. She’s just irritating. For example, she’s into art and her drawings are weird, she’s overweight, she looks (she has her hair cut short b/c of sensory issues) and dresses like a boy, she will see my wife and myself cuddling and she will kill the mood (randomly asking her to sign her permission slip), she doesn’t like her food to touch, she’s spoiled, she is always up under my wife, etc.

I’m complicating her life? I trying make her life drama-free. Her daughter keeps causing us issues.

[boggboss]

Yet her daughter is a bigger part of her life then you as much as it seems you resent that aspect so her daughter is weird its still her daughter what u did is mad fucked up you hiding that shows you know that and tell her or not its at the point that if your wife ever found out you know you would be fucked

[Asker]

She’s not a bigger aspect. My wife has made it clear that our family is her priority. If anything, her daughter resents me. I’ve always felt like she was jealous of what we have and that she was always trying to come between us.

I already know that I shouldn’t have said those things. Like I said, I was upset because she’s always causing drama between us.

[boggboss]

Your showing it hear if your wife knew what u said u really think you would still be a priority at the end of the day its clear you have a issue with her which has most likely made her act out meh

[Zarapeachy]

Honestly, I would’ve slapped you. Firstly, that’s your wife daughter, how dare you control and force your wife to abandon her daughter for the sake of you. And the child is autistic! What do you expect? Hate all you want, but you were wrong

[Asker]

I didn’t force her to. I convinced her in order to protect our family. I didn’t want our kids to have to see this drama and I saw that the constant drama was stressing my wife out. I thought that it would be better for all parties involved for her daughter to live with her sister.

Just because you have autism (high-functioning), it doesn’t excuse her antagonizing behavior. She deliberately tries to annoy me. For example, she would see me and my wife cuddling and she would find an excuse to break things up (asking my wife to sign a permission slip). Or waiting until 3AM in the morning to tell my wife that she thinks her arm is broken (when she knew all day that something was wrong with her arm). Or mocking me when I scold her as she was playing with her little dolls/ stuffed animals. Or the one that made my wife and I separate for two months. My wife miscarried our child and no less than a week after her miscarriage, her daughter somehow found one of the 3D ultrasounds and very rudely drew (she creates weird drawings) a picture of our unborn child. When she showed us the drawing, I blanked and yanked her by the arm and pinned her down to try to get the (now crumpled) ultrasound and her disrespectful drawing. Because (as always) she plays the victim (crying and screaming for help) my wife took her side. I felt bad because if left bruises on her arm and one on her back.

[Asker]

I know, I was wrong to curse her out. I’m just trying to decide what to do to fix the situation.