Is it bad when a person is sharing something personal about themselves for you to in turn share something personal and related to that?

[Still-alive]

Or should i instead not do that and just focus all on the other person sharing their story?

I usually try to share something similar to what they share with me. the intention is to make them feel less alone or abnormal about their ordeal. but on the other hand it might come across as making their story about me.

So for instance someone might share how they were broken up with and in turn i'd share an experience about how i was broken up with myself. Is this bad? Should i not do this?

It can be bad. Just focus on them, don't try to relate to it or is might feel like you're making it about you instead of them

no its fine! i like it even when someone also shares something personal related to my personal story

I have a different opinion on this (please say)

Updates

+1 y

ok maybe i'll have to rethink how i try to help people. cause i always thought sharing similar experiences helps people handle their own

[AmandaYVR]

This is something I've thought about many times as well.
I think it could go either way. It may depend on the other person, the receiver.
But my conclusion is that it will always be bad if you cut them off, dominate the conversation, or give too many details about your own situation. Those will probably always not be received well. But it seems like it might be alright if you say something, but keep it brief.
It's difficult for me sometimes because I'm such a detailed person. I like to get into the weeds on stuff. But I also don't get over things easily, so there can be strong feelings about events of the past, if they were never truly resolved. So I think I land on the side of sharing too much, too often.
Another way to look at that is... if people are the complete opposite of that, and they share nothing, and don't know what to say in response to the other person sharing something, this is the surest way to kill a conversation, and potentially a growing friendship.
So as usual, I think situations like this need a deft hand, some emotional intelligence, and to not overdo it (or 'underdo' it.) Share briefly, and don't redirect it to you. A small interjection or addition is far better than an about-face.

[Still-alive]

yeah i usually let them tell their full story first and then i in turn share a similar story and maybe i should refrain from details when doing this

[AmandaYVR]

Keep the story relatively short (shorter than their, by comparison, would be ideal), try to have a takeaway from it, something that you can give to them as to what you learned from it, and then perhaps ask them another q, so that it's very clear that you are not trying to take any focus away from them. The person who's dealing with the current issue takes precedent over the older situation, always.

[Still-alive]

" something that you can give to them as to what you learned from it, "

yes i do do this as well

[AmandaYVR]

Another thought -
Females talk way, way more than males do. Just go for a walk, or to a restaurant, and listen to all the females who are talking, often ad infinitum, and it can be very passionate and heated. And girls can get quite upset if they get cut off. But you have to be cut off, if you never stop, or keep dominating the conversations.
I think the pink comments here reflect the fact that girls find it's insensitive when they are not let to talk. But many don't realize just how much of an imbalance in communication styles exists between men and women. Men use fewer words, and have an often different way of speaking about their views, and feelings.
Some guys don't respect girls. Especially in a business context, they may cut them off and act as if the girl doesn't know what she's talking about (I'm watching a documentary about a famous guitar shop right now, and the female employee who works there gets this dismissive attitude towards her often.)
Guys do not always have to be in constant listening mode. Girls need to learn how to temper their emotions and learn brevity, as well. It's all a balance.
Knowing what I know about you so far, I think you are probably over-worrying about this. You probably come off as "he's a good listener" and girls love that. But it's not about listening and being silent, waiting for yet another story to be done. That can be asking too much sometimes.

[Still-alive]

i usually don't cut off i usually let them tell and finish their story first before i cut in with anything related to it

[AmandaYVR]

Yes I believe you.
I'm encouraging you to do as you have been doing. I doubt you have to adapt your behaviour much, and you certainly do not have to never share something yourself, when it's definitely on topic.
That's my opinion. It differs from some other commenters. Take all our opinions with a grain of salt. People also learn as they age and grow.

[Still-alive]

ill see what i take from this.

i also usually adapt to the person. some may like the insight other may not. the goal on my end is to provide some help to them and show them i care. i feel like i have received positive results so far from what im doing. but i just like to understand if this way might be a misguided approach more often then not.

[ChrisMaster69]

Yeah it’s not a good idea really.

it’s not something you just do and open up with.

I've got so many skeletons I had to build an extensions to house them all.

Also at times unless you actually have had a little bit of training, people can act like a gold fish.

there is also trying to actually relate to it, often our experiences can be miles apart and hard to compare,

yes at times they are Brutally close and far too close to home…

It can often turn in to a game of Top Trumps, where each can often be tempted to add to their issue or diminish the other persons.

Emotions are a fucking nightmare,

share now and then and only share what is safe to share for your own mental well being and the other persons.

there are also a lot of ‘I will show you mine if you show me yours types’, both in real and online, and they are just simply being nosey with no real interest other than finding out some information.

Also TRUST, there is not really an NDA or confidentiality clause most people abide by, there is no code of ethics.

at a counselling centre, everything is in confidence and the counsellors also receive counselling.

There is a limit on the personal information you can take on, too much and it rips your ‘soul’ apart.

Sorry a bit long 😂 it’s a bit like fucking around with a Ouija board, you never know what might happen.

[ChrisMaster69]

@Still-alive ref your update.

Some things you really do not want to know.

Even reasons why people a cutting, can lead you down a dark road you really do not want to go down.

One of the greatest problems is people will bottle up and then something happens when you ask, the flood dates open and you have to sit and listen.

Here be Monsters is a good way to think about it.

[cooldog980sw]

It depends on the situation. You have to be really good at reading each specific situation to know if that one needs a "you're not alone story". If you talk too much about yourself, you'll push the person away because they'll think you're trying to make it all about you. If you talk too little, they'll think you aren't paying attention or don't really want to be there for them. On the other hand if you share something completely unrelated, they'll think you aren't listening to them and are trying to change the topic. It takes practice, but you'll get there :)

[SandandWaves]

sometimes, we just need no response at the time about your related pain. If ya want to say something about how you feel.. :relating", It's best to wait a while, while theirs is happening "right now". It being physically or emotionally or both-- crippling pain, some will say to that other person " right away", I have back pain, I get headaches too, etc...

We sometimes just need to vent to our loved one.. and truly need the Help and Need to be heard.

To us at that moment... it feels like its a competing thing, even though, some are not meaning it that way.

Then with us what we were just saying, they can/will just shut down talking with ya a while.

[SandandWaves]

thanks, if you picked me

[420Rachel]

I do this. If someone comes to me with a personal issue I try to relate to their issue if I can, to let them know I'm empathetic to their particular situation. Unless it's a situation I can't relate to or can't find the words to express. Such as when someone's loved one passes away unexpectedly. I never know what to say when such a tragedy happens.

[Still-alive]

it all come with due time and experience :)

[HollyK21]

It’s not necessarily bad, but keep in mind that you can still connect/empathize with the person without sharing deeply personal aspects of your life. I understand that feeling of inclination but remember that not everyone is truly well-intended and some will weaponize that information. So if you do decide to share, just make sure it’s something you wouldn’t mind multiple people knowing. If it’s too private, I wouldn’t share.

[Still-alive]

ohh im pretty careful with who i share my info with

[HollyK21]

@Still-alive that’s good! Just be sure the trust is established.

[GrimmGothBabe]

Depends on the individual. I know people who when they share something having you relate to it and share as well is what they want to hear and I also know people that when you try to do that they feel like your trying to one up them and trying to be superior even in dark things like poverty or death they still think your trying to win. Its part of why I have a hard time socializing cuz the rules and variants make no sense.

[Still-alive]

it can be difficult knowing what is a misstep or not i agree

[crazyish]

It's not bad. You are trying to let them know you understand. People want to be heard though and when it comes to break ups, most know that the majority of people have experienced it so they aren't looking for understanding as much as needing to talk about it. It can sometimes make them feel as though their break up isn't really important or that big of a deal.

There are things that when someone opens up about, that they are looking for understanding. Those tend to be on the darker end though. The ones that aren't experienced by everyone all the time. Opening up about yourself back is usually appreciated but after you've put some focus on what they shared first. So it just depends but you're a good person and have the best intentions so don't be too hard on yourself about it.

[DarkCarousel]

Just listen first. When they are finished, ask if they mind if you share something related or if right now, they’d just prefer you to listen and give compassion.
Sometimes sharing your story can take away from what they need at the time while other times, it can deepen the sense of empathy and understanding.

[Ez-Bri-Z]

Your focus should be them primarily and the focus not be on yourself. That is hard to do sometimes, but generally checking on them to see how they are doing with it is the best course of action.
If they ask how you would handle it then you could say something like "well when I had something similar happen to me I did..." without going into too much detail

[loves2learn]

DUDE!!! I do the same thing. My best recently accuded me of trying to one up her. 😰 But that was soooo far from my intention. 😭😭😭


Let’s pm about this. I wanna dive into the deets.

[Still-alive]

Sureee! Lol

[whatsthereinname]

Knowing your bestie, would love to know more

Lol

[Starwitch23]

No, don't do it. You might feel you are sharing your experience. But it makes the other person feel you weren't actively listening to them. When someone shares with you something personal let that moment be about them. If you do that then they will listen to you when you share your experience.

[Starwitch23]

Sometimes people just want to be heard.

[Éhmîë]

Well it depends on the reason behind it. Are u saying it to help the person or is it just a casual talk? If it the latter, I think u should reconsider saying it cos u may not know what the other person is up to. But just be careful. N please, I may be wrong.

[Miah02]

This is tricky.
You kinda gotta read the situation

Do they wanna hear about it?
Do they want any advice?
Maybe they just need to vent.
It's really hard to say when it's right or not

[Wiredone]

I think it depends on the person and their situation. I do it sometimes though. You really have to read the person. Do they want to hear about it, do they just want advice or do they want to know that they are not alone in their situation. To answer your question, I don't think there is a yes or no answer.

[tatianamay]

No, don’t do that. It’s not a good idea. I used to do that, but realized that it was wrong later on. It wouldn’t really help them though. Just listen to them and be there for them :D

[menina]

I don't think it's bad, I just think some people might not like it. I get your intention and it's good, it shows that you can relate with the person. I don't mind it, it makes me feel closer to the person I'm talking to.

[wearehere2002]

if someone is telling you a personal story about themselves then you share a personal story about yourself with a similar context they know what has happened to them can happen to other people

[Still-alive]

Yeah this was my thinking too. But I guess to some it comes across as you one upping them which I absolutely am not doing that

[TheSpaceGnome]

Don't rethink it, your initial assumption was correct.

[Still-alive]

im adapting to each person now. seeing what works with who

[TheSpaceGnome]

ah i see, I don't do that myself because I feel like its enabling

[Account]

It varies. It can help some people (I am among them), but for others it is unhelpful because they feel that you do not focus on them.

[GoodGuyBreakingBad]

If you share personal information pertaining to yourself with me cause I was having similar issues I would be fine with it

[Nik_92]

Some one is sharing personal with me due there may be some reason but it doesn't me i must or should share my personal stuff.

[exitseven]

I think it helps when you can sympathize with a situation of your own.,

[Juxtapose]

Don't overthink it and just say what you really believe and what you think will help.

If they can't handle that then fuck 'em.