My dad thinks commanding someone to do something a certain way is just "advising" them. The worst part is when you don't take his "advice" he gets aggressive, sometimes for the most foolish things.
He doesn't understand the concept of experiencing. He doesn't understand that for me to understand where he's coming from, I need to experience it and learn. I understand that when a parent sees their child going down the wrong route, they get worried and try to prevent that from happening by giving the child a warning, because they know how it's going to end.
I don't have a problem with him telling me to do things a certain way, because that’s his job as a parent, which is to guide me. I just hate that he wants me to do what he says first, then ask questions. I ask questions so I can understand the reason I'm doing something. Forcing me to submit to his every word will just cause strife.
Is it reasonable for a parent to expect their child to do everything withouth question?
It's kind of weird that when you ask your kids to do something you kind of want to stand back and be quiet and just let them do it their way don't put any restrictions on them this way you get to learn who your kid really is you want to find out if they're just going to do whatever to get by are you going to find out if they are doing it in detail because they want to write their name on it because they're proud of it and if it's something that your child has never done before then that parent should give them a helping hand and that is a good time for the parent to have me time quiet time alone time with your child to find out what's going on in their life because when you do that and you make them comfortable they come to you for anything and everything no matter what it is if there's a problem or if it's just a good thing if I was to do what your father is doing to you I would have to take a couple steps back at it and ask myself why do I feel the need to dominate her to control her that restricts her from growing that restricts her from becoming better are wanting to do better at whatever it is she's doing it also makes it so she doesn't ever want to go to him when she does have a problem. I love this question because when growing up I went through kind of the same thing and it always stuck in the back of my mind if I ever have kids I will never ever treat them this way I will teach them I will not hold them back I will make them become a better person than me in every aspect in every manner and I got that wish the one wish the only wish that I've ever gotten I got it and I'm so happy for it because I did not treat my kids the way my parents treated me I wouldn't complete opposite way I was quiet I was gentle no yelling or arguing there is no need for ever they understood that and they respected that and to this day they either come over they call me if they have a problem or if they just wanted to chat say I love you so to answer your question is the parents job to allow other kids to grow the speed that they're growing without trying to show who is in control who is more dominant who is more powerful and who has the last word because all that does is teaches kids it when they want something they have to be aggressive and they have to do it in the wrong ways to get it
I totally get where you're coming from. My dad has been the same all my life - even now, when I'm literally adult enough to take my own decisions. But at this age, I can now see where he comes from and respect his suggestions, but that doesn't mean I don't ask questions. I ask and he still gets annoyed sometimes, but I guess he too now sees where I'm coming from, so chooses to answer them. The most important thing that I learnt while conversing with him over the years is how to talk to someone who gets easily offended if their opinions/ideas are challenged.
So let me help you out with a weekly step-by-step guide for traversing the way to your dad's heart:
1. Do everything that he wants you to. Don't argue, don't question. Just do what he tells you to. I know how difficult this is, but please know that the first step towards your dad accepting you as you are is to accept him as he is. And don't cheat. Dads know when their kids are lying to them. Do this for two weeks. By the end of the fortnight, you'll see that he's being more affectionate and caring towards you.
2. Start sharing. Tell him what you feel about stuff and be honest. If you feel like you aren't convinced enough to do it, just tell him that you can't bring yourself to do it. Again, be a bit tricky with words. Don't say that you don't want to do it, but instead you aren't able to. Let him explain to you and try making you more comfortable. Let him do all the effort, don't be convinced easily. Continue this for a week.
3. Final step. Ask questions to bring out his experience. Now you need to ask questions about what made him stop you from doing something. E. g. if he tells you to stay at home when you want to go out with friends, you could try asking 'did you not enjoy going with your friends?' Or 'do you think friends can be harmful to each other?'
Disclaimer: This is not a professional guide, just what I think can work.
But I'm sure that things will start to change for the better once he starts feeling that his opinions are respected and you're not looking to rebel just for the sake of it. That will definitely open him up to listen to and consider your point of view.
I know how you feel and trust me I wish I had your dad.
I'm a mom now all girls, I love them to pieces if something ever happened to them I would feel it was because I did not do enough to prepare them to back away from bad experiences and learn to not be dumb enough to fall into the traps I still remember now as an adult. I promised myself never to forget my teen years do I can help my girls understand what they are feeling without them having to endure my regrets.
I was the girl who would escape my house, screamed for love, and prayed for my parents to hear me, they just were raised different and did not know how to address my feelings. It hurt majorly not being able to express how I felt to my parents. You are so lucky to have a father to listen and project.
Your dad is still a man and we'll his fusteration is not with you not listening it's with not being able to get across what he is trying to help you understand. It's a father's love and fear you see. I am hoping he is not abusive and is simply fusterated.
You will have enough time to reject an experience by learning from others experiences, this is how I learned. I analyzed my family, I watched as they suffered watched as they cried, watched when they where happy, mischievous, and learned never to make their mistakes, if only I had my parents input I would have not made other mistakes.
Don't worry I know it's fusterating but you will get it in time. Growing up is a hell of a thing. ❤️
If you know his nature, how he reacts to the things, then instead of struggling for the conversation, be calm. Avoid conflicts and wastage of energy. A cool and calm mind is more powerful. Instead of controlling the situation, which isn't always in our hands, one should control the mind to get adapted with the situation, just like a lotus in a muddy water.
Let's go with the assumption that he only wants what is best and safest for you and he is relying on his years of experience to guide you, so it's frustrating when you don't take his advice. He has already made all the mistakes you are about to make, so because he loves you, he is going to be insistent. The deal is that Parents are mostly just people too. We're not perfect. You didn't come with a manual. Most parents don't take classes on this, so we do the best we can. It could be a bit of ego as well, or the expectation of respect and obedience. Let him know that you understand all of this and that you need to have your own experiences as well. It's part of learning and growing. Telling a kid a candle flame is hot doesn't teach as well as the kid finding out for their self. One of the hardest things for a parent to do is to let their kids make their own mistakes. It rips you up, but sometimes you just have to.
Yes, I always tried to teach the "why" for rules, but I have to say, sometimes you just need them to do what you say. You could try another tactic so he doesn't feel defensive. Something along the lines of "OK, I'll do what you ask, but so I understand, can you tell me why?"
It is not reasonable at all for a parent to expect their child to do anything with no question whatsoever.
The point of a parent is to show a child how to reasonably expressed their displeasure or a different feeling about a certain thing.
You encourage them to use their words at the cognitive level appropriate for them. But absolutely a child should be taught how to question how to express their desire to do something different and it is the job of the parent to listen to the child and to guide them to do it in a productive mature way in accordance with their age and intellectual level.
It is definitely normal to ask questions! Kids are still growing and their brains are developing. They are ultimately wired to ask questions. Just keep in mind that even if your dad won’t answer questions, chances are that you are still in his best interest. Most of the time when adults can’t answer questions it’s because we don’t know how to communicate something properly, give it to you in an age-appropriate answer, want to respect our own privacy, or just need a break. Every parenting style is different. I am sure that your dad loves you and wants the best for you!
I am a marine so very strict though i like to think im fun sometimes 😅
As for your issue there's not a lot i can give you advice on except when you look for a husband know what kinda father you want him to be. My father was like this and it caused a lot issues we use to physically fight replaced walls doors windows porch and a station wagon due to our fights. It went well away when i moved out i avoided it for 3 years.
It's hard for me to be a judge in this circumstance not knowing any specifics. Biblically we are told to honour our father and mother and do as they say, the Lord is always an enemy of rebellion as I'm sure you well now. But as I said it's hard to say not knowing exactly what transpires.
I dislike when parents pull out the "honor your father and mother" verse but disregard what comes right after, which is to not provoke your children to wrath. Even in the book of Colossians it says "Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged". The issue here is lack of communication.
From experience, it's better to do what needs to be done rather than what you would like to do. Otherwise, you'll wind up looking back at life wondering what life would be like if more effort was put into a lot of things.
As long as you know that your parents are preparing you for life, and to be on your own, than it's best to listen.
However, if they encourage you to do things that are immoral and against the law, than it's best to get some professional help to intervene.
Also, I agree with your situation. If he's not willing to listen to you, have a third party to explain your point to, so he can hear it from them if needed.
Lol, do you have any other relatives that can talk to him for you? Or even put your thoughts and concerns in writing so he'll at least know to take your problems seriously.
Because, it is somewhat a complicated matter according to me. The matter involves a girl who has a gentle heart and mind and her dad who is on the other hand hard headed,...,..,... etc as she said. It's from my own experience which I'm gonna tell you that, none other than herself knows her dad that well along with how she feels. Any third person may have empathy about her, understand her point. But The person will also need to understand her father. Speaking on behalf of her is not that easy when things are fragile.
My mom in particular grew up this way where a parents decisions were never questioned and the only thing you could do was obey. She rationalizes now that "they were doing the best they could as parents" or "it was a different time back then, and that's how things were done," but there are so many stories she's told where I feel they were incredibly harsh and overbearing and even in some cases, detrimental to her mental health. Thankfully for me, both my parents worked hard not to be those type of parents. They weren't hands off by any means, but we could have a conversation if something was bothering us and they certainly gave us freedom with their trust earned.
This is an excellent question and I was almost done with my 4000 word answer that took me an hour to write, but my cat decided to step on my mouse's buttons and destroy it all.
Id say just do what he says to appease him (as long as its not illegal or morally wrong) and then adapt your own ways of doing things into your routine to make it work best for you. My dad was an ass who meant well but went about it the wrong way. But looking back he ended up being absolutely right about everything i assumed he knew nothing about. Im 45 now and hate to admit it
In general parents have their child’s best interest in mind and what they say is probably for the best. You say experience is the best way to learn things but if your parent already experienced something why would you neglect their advice just to do it yourself? Especially if it could have a negative outcome that you don’t realize since you’re not fully mentally developed.
Honestly just in general it's very common for children to be very questionative and interested in different things especially while growing up so it would be more understandable if the child was questioning things a lot to me
You are 16, get a job, move out of his house, support yourself, pay your own bills then you do not have to listen to what he says.
The only person causing strife is you, you think you are old enough to know more then your parents but you want to have them pay for your existence. Be a grown up, move out and then come back and tell us who is causing the strife.
I don't think I'm old enough to know more than my parents, I believe I made that pretty clear. All I'm asking is for him to make me understand. Is that too much to ask?
You said said you need to experience something first before you can learn from it. Go experience it! Experience the filling of a teenage pregnancy, experience being a drug addict, experience being homeless, experience some guys slipping something into your drink and raping you. You are 16 with no experience so go experience it all. Better yet, why don't you take a step back and look at things through your fathers eyes. He has a 16 year old daughter that probably has him wrapped around her finger because in his eyes you are his precious little girl and you will always be his precious little girl. It would probably destroy him if anything bad were to happen to you and he did not do or say something to keep you from making the wrong decision. The truth is that a man can have a son and not be terrified of something bad happening to them but if something were to happen to his little girl it would destroy him.
I am not privy to your conversations but my experience tells me that teenagers think they know everything better then their parents or they just want to rebel against their parents. It does not matter if their parents are correct all that matters is that their parents said something so as a teenager they will disagree.
Is your father beating you? Is he in your face screaming and his spit is hitting you in your face? Has he turned your bedroom into a jail cell with bars on the windows and deadbolts on your door? Are you allowed to leave your home and go out with friends? You may want to re-consider what you call aggressive behavior.
Now lets get to your reply, props for admitting your parents know more then you and it is not to much to ask for a parent to help you understand, that is their job.
How about you accomplish the task that was asked of you and then after you have accomplished said task you ask your father for a few minutes of private time so you and he can talk about something on your mind. You then calmly sit down and point out to your father how you accomplished the task, no questioned asked. Then you point out that you are 16 and soon you will be an adult that needs to be able to make smart decisions and if he could in the future explain why he wants something done a certain way so you can learn his thought process so in the future when he is not around you can make smart decisions on your own. Then recite a corny saying like, "Give a person a fish and they will eat for one day, teach that person how to fish and they will eat forever", tell him you want to be able to make smart decisions because one day soon you will have to make life changing decisions and he will not be their to tell you what to do or how to do it.
If you address your issues with your father in this manner instead of getting on GAG and complaining about him he has one of two choices. He will look at you and say, "Wow my little girl is growing up and she is really smart and mature, I need to change how I discuss things with her" or He is just a controlling ass hat and a idiot. For some reason I think he will choose option one. I may be wrong but what do you have to loose. If I am wrong, come back and tell me so I can apologize to you.
You don't get my point. My dad sometimes thinks that as a child I won't make mistakes, that's why I said I need to experience something so I can learn from it. I also recall saying that when a parent sees their child going down the wrong route, they'll try to prevent that from happening because they already know how it's going to end.
Of course it is not everything I need to experience to understand, but I hate feeling scared to ask questions in certain things.
My relationship with my dad isn't the best because there was a time when he took out his anger us and abused us physically, mentally & verbally.
So yes I know what it means to be aggressive, if I were to ask why before doing something most of the time he replies aggressively because he thinks I'm challenging him. That's really toxic if you ask me. Because now I'm scared he's going to put his hands on me.
And believing that I'm an adult by 18 is the best way to make him mad.
You did not say he has actually put his hands on you in your orignal post. That changes everything. There really is no excuse for a parent getting physically violent with a child. So much more can be learned by using corrective training with a child then physical abuse.
If you are terrified he is going to abuse you then the best thing to do is just wait until you can move out and then get out on your own. If he ever does abuse you then notify Social Services.
Absolutely not. I don't want them to learn going through life that they shouldn't question everything people ask of them. I want them to learn to trust their gut if they have reservations about a request, ask questions.
Being a pain in the ass can be quite a blessing to be towards parental figures because it will help them grow too. Example, if your father asks you to prepare dinner, you end up making everybody clam and fluff sandwiches, mustard baked apples, and sour cream and chocolate brownies.
Well I'm a bit biased, as I have early onset dementia. I forget shit all the time. Like, I cannot remember to do many things. Many people with attention deficits are the same.
Someday you will probably work for professors, employers, etc. who give you orders and expect you to do them without question. Your father is just preparing you for this. Far too few parents do these days.
This might be true. But there's a difference between the work life and personal life.
If I have to work I know the purpose of me being there, they might send me around but in the end I'm just doing my job, they're not my guardians or anything.
In my personal life instead, I have my parents who are their as my guardians not bosses. My parents job is to guide me, but how can they guide me if theirs lack of communication?
If he's preparing me for the future then there should be a good reason as to why he's making me do certain things. I just want to understand, that's all
Well, nobody is perfect and you have the father you have. Maybe he is the way he is to teach you a valuable lesson. Mine used to say “there’s the right way and the Navy way,” point being we should just follow orders. Maybe he is a bit over the top or misguided. If you believe, when all is said and done, he cares for you, it is probably best to put up with it. Maybe save the questions for after you do things his way. Or, just wait because soon you will be an adult and will have more freedom.
No, someone questioning your specifc command isn't inherently disobedience. You might not have been specific or they are confused as to what the task accomplishes.
Most Helpful Opinions