I'm an introvert and usually don't keep too many friends (50% of all of my "friends" end up stabbing me in the back), but before I left the US back in 2019, I had two friends there. I used to co-coordinate a Meetup. com board game night every Friday evening downtown, which had people from around town come in and play board games for four hours. That is where I first met Skyler in 2016.
Skyler is an 8.5/10, gorgeous, six foot tall, raven-haired substitute teacher. I first had a crush on her, but while we get along well, are too different in personality (she's a conservative woman and very Christian). Even though I hate being friendzoned, I remained her friend and would see her every Friday.
About a year later, DJ first came to the meetup. He's a 6'2" local actor and musician who's handsome-as-f*ck dude from an Italian American family who has abs without ever going to the gym. We get along super-well because he's modest, almost as intelligent as I am, and pretty based. If not for his big mouth; I'm pretty sure he'd be a panty-dropper to most women as well, but he's too opinionated on news and current events.
Both Skyler and DJ are cool people, but I feel insecure around them because they're tall, perfect looking, and very likeable, all of which is the total opposite of me.
When DJ first came to our Meetup, he was dating a girl already, but they soon split apart. Because I knew both of them so well, Skyler begged me for the details of DJ and wanted to date him. I reluctantly played matchmaker and got DJ to talk to Skyler, where she gave him her number. This was in 2018. I just saw yesterday on Facebook that Skyler and DJ are now getting married, which makes me feel even more insecure and hate life more.
How do I stop feeling this way? I am happy for these two perfect people getting married, but it also makes me feel worse about my own life.Skyler and DJ are the working class counterparts to Gina Carano and Henry Cavill; so I just used their picture.
My two perfect friends are now getting married. How do I stop feeling inadequate about myself because of this?
Short answer. To be more satisfied with your own life. Or get it moving to a place where you are satisfied and content.
Long answer. To feel insecure from someone else's good fortune is common. But it's good to separate those insecurities with not feeling envy for them. So, it's good that you're happy for them. It is a kind of wake up call that you're unsatisfied with your life - you acknowledged that. Your best option is to work on what you feel insecure about. I think you have a confirmation bias. You seek out and remember and only take into account information that confirms your preconceptions. That only men of certain height have a chance in love. Or have a better chance. But that preconception *seems* - I say seems because I don't know if you have taken that into consideration or not - not include men who are shorter who have had success or men who are taller that haven't. Including those facts would most likely disprove the preconception. Then you would have to answer the question: what then IS what worked in their favor?
From a self-improvement perspective - which brings me back to working on what makes you dissatisfied - it's accepting (not necessarily liking) what you have to work with and capitalizing on that. Knowing your weaknesses and turning them into strengths. You may not like what I'm about to say next - but I'm sharing my perspective, you don't have to like it - it helps and certainly has helped me, to ask yourself how you might be standing in your own way ajd prebenting yourself from realistically getting what you want. Actively do the opposite of what holds you back within yourself and grow confident in that. Confident, not arrogant, but comfortable and capable. It could be related to dating/relationships or not at all yet have a bleeding effect into your personal life. That's what I do. No, the insecurities don't go away entirely (some have) but they're easier to manage, easier to move past when they creep up again. In the realm of relationships, I know what to do to get out of my own way - still in keeping with my principles - and I'm working on it. It encompasses almost everything, work, family, friends, hobbies and quite a shitload of character flaws.
For one, it may change things in your life. And two, it can help you feel content even if you don't have everything you want.
I appreciate your insight into the matter. I've seen psychologists - 14 to be exact - over the course of 13 years. From 18 to 31. Sometimes, two in one week. One of the ones I saw lasted nine years before she moved back to Chicago. I would say I'm "unfixable," but my long-time psychologist would say I've improved a whole lot, since I was suicidal the first time I started seeing them.
I have thought about all of these variables, though. "That only men of certain height have a... better chance. ... Not include men who are shorter who have had success or men who are taller that haven't."
There are three things women almost always require in a partner (and yes, you're female, so you'll likely disagree with me, but that doesn't matter to me, unless you've been chasing after women as long as I have and been more successful with them). Height, ego, and social status. Women value men with high pride above all else. They call this "confidence." Then that just leaves height and social status. I am lacking height. (I've talked with @JosyJosy about this; we did a poll on here and the results were pretty sh*t, pretty much proving my height is inescapably bad.) And social status is something that usually comes with confidence, such as wealth, importance, or high popularity.
Men in relationships with women - at least in my opinion - have at least one of these three core requirements, but the most attractive men have all three. At least six feet tall (not short), high pride (the thing women value the most), and social status (wealth, important job, popularity, etc). I don't see men lacking any of these with women, unless the woman has even less than him (these are all relative; a guy working at Burger King is still "wealthier" than an unemployed woman.)
The solutions?
I can't fix my inadequate, sh*t tier, feminine, girl-sized height that half the damn women on this site are taller than; which is either at midget level or literally worthless as a human being ("average"), depending on who you ask. So that problem is inescapable. I don't WANT ego, the thing all women crave in men, because I frankly hate it, I don't think I'm Mr. Hot Sh*t, and people who think they're perfect, I frankly, find obnoxious. And social status is a slim possibility, but usually only reserved for the first two types of people: the confident and tall/good looking. Not always, though. So all the options are shut off from me.
As far as depression goes, which I had for those 14 years, I figured out a way to at least reduce that, myself. Depression comes from the inability to get what we want or change our unfortunate situation. Things we dislike or don't have. So it's simple: If you stop desiring what you are incapable of having, then you can no longer be depressed about it (on most days).
I want tallness, the social respect that comes with it, the physical power and strength that comes with it, and the extremely easy chances of finding a female partner that come with it. I'll always be a sh*tty, feminine height down here at 180, though. Which also makes the other things very unlikely as well (unless you're Bruce Lee or Mike Tyson or Jeff Bezos, or some "1 in 7 billion" type of super human.)
In other words, women aren't in my future. Which means kids aren't in my future, not that I'd conceive any with my garbage, worthless genes; I'd adopt. So I seek new things in life. But... It's been like 4 years since I've come to this revelation and I still haven't found a new purpose in my life, yet. The career I wanted, show biz, is overrun by woke idiots, so that's no longer viable, as well.
And now two of my friends back in the US are getting married. I can't help but feel if I lucked out like them, I'd also be with my soulmate, by now. Or at least, *a* soulmate. I cam close one time. She died, though. She was my last hope. There's no one else left, though. Women are fickle and have endless choices for men. They won't date unattractive looking manlets who aren't rich, if they don't have to.
When it comes to the solutions. 1. You're focusing on the wrong thing. You can't change your height. It's out of your hands. So focus on something else. You're honestly telling me you have nothing going for you? Like humor, wit, charm, a perceptive nature? Again - as per my last email, lol - know your strengths and capitalize on them. Why are you ignoring that part?
2. I didn't say EGO, I said comfortable and capable when it comes to confident. I'm assuming you're good at your job, right? You know what you're doing, you do it well. Doesn't mean you're perfect, doesn't mean you think you're better than others. If there's something you need to work on in your job to be better, widen/deepen your skills, aren't you gonna do something about it? That's what I meant.
Additionally , I've seen posts of yours commenting with things along the lines of wanting something real with someone beyonf the superficial. Your data points (GASP! I'll link a video I watched last week at the end of this post. Made me laugh; maybe you'll get a kick out of it) are the surface. Indeed they are. I'm discounting them. The application of those data points depends. And by the way, I would THINK that you'd be smart enough not to rely on polls from one place! In order for polls to have ANY credence, you need a wide variety of people (not just many people). People who are serious about polling (in politics, or behavioral sciences) know this. If the vast majority belong to a group that believe many of the same things, the results will skew in their favor. Like I said in my initial post, confirmation bias. Do you ever specifically speak to the ones who don't go with the crowd? Those whose answers are different? Do you ask why or assume why?
But I digress. Comfortable and capable with your own abilities. Not in case comparison with others. You conflate a lot of terms. Confidence with arrogance with obnoxious with superior. They CAN overlap, but they aren't interchangeable.
3. Devil's adovocate. Social status is dependent upon the culture, the social circle. Hell, social status can be narrowed down to a fucking book club, if that's important to the girl. Maybe she likes the guy who speak so eloquently about the book of the fucking week. Or the guy with unusual insight and speaks in metaphors. Pretty much, it's the one she thinks is better than the others and that can vary wildly.
4. You should come to my country and check out the average height for men and women here. The average height for men is around 175cm? Women around 155cm. Well, by your standards so many guys here shouldn't have found a woman. Social standing, again, by your standards wouldn't have helped much either considering that it's kind of a 3rd world country.
What kind of psychiatrists did you see? The talky-talky type? Or the behavioral type, like CBT or psychoanalytic?
There have been many many many philosophical schools of thought since the dawn of man that said something along the lines of: the only thing standing in your way is yourself. It's just easier to blame someone else.
1. I have lots of things going for me. Just not things any women find attractive. And I acknowledge they don't, so it's whatever. Here's a list.
2. Ego, confidence, arrogance, swagger; all synonyms for the same thing. Really high self-pride in a person. As I said, I hate that in people, even though women love it in men above all else. No one is perfect, so don't expect me to like confidence in people anytime soon. I'm a modest person; the total opposite of that. Though my ex, a while ago, said "If you don't like the word confidence, it's better to call it 'trust' instead." Yes, I TRUST I can do some things well. And I work on self improvement daily; in very small steps. But I also don't TRUST I can do anything and everything and that I don't need self-improvement because "I'm already perfect (as I am)." THAT'S why I hate confidence. I'm NOT perfect. All I can do is work on what can be fixed. Although being short can't be fixed; that door is permanently closed. (Thus, women are closed off, as well.)
2.5. Okay you don't have to think what I want in a partner is any good, but how are they superficial and shallow? And I certainly do NOT rely on polls from one place. I've talked to many people, men and women, on the subject. Even on here. JosyJosy, Passion_Devil, RachelSpiks, etc. You can ask them on it. Josy is a little helpful but she's more optimistic than I. Passion is too impatient for me. And Rachel implied I was mediocre fucking garbage that doesn't matter. (She called me "average," as in, non-existent and useless.)
3. Regarding social status, I agree that it's cheap and superficial. We're in agreement on that. But it's what women have wanted for hundreds, if not thousands, of years. Good birthrates, best successful for their future child, women like money, blah, blah, blah. It's not hard to figure out why women want successful men. Very, VERY few women want women at the bottom, while he's still building his start-up company; they only want him when he's made his first million dollars. So sad, but so true.
4. By Western standards, women don't want non-tall (short) men. The numbers are different by country, but it remains the same. And I'd have to go to The Philippines or Indonesia or some sh*t in order to be considered "tall" at only a hundred and fucking eighty centimeters. That's like what every other woman's height is in The Netherlands. That's why I made that Dutch teenage girl reference before. By the time they're 14 or 15, Dutch girls are fucking 180. I don't think women understand how embarrassing it is to be told you're as masculine and powerful as a fucking teenage girl (from The Netherlands). And plenty are even larger than that. Do you get, as a man, how infuriating that is? How SHITTY your genetics have to be in order for that to be the case? And no, I don't care about "other men" in this regard. Most people in the world are from third world countries and malnourished. MOST human beings have piss-poor health, right now. But I'm from the US; I shouldn't be "equal" in health and strength to a starving man from India. (And even some of them are the size of full grown men; above 180.)
The ones I saw varied a lot; from a six foot tall blonde Barbie girl, to a 70 year old elder man with a white beard. But they were usually the "talk long enough and you'll solve your own problems" type, with some occasional input or advice. It's not like I had to pay for them out of pocket though; insurance covered 100% of it all. So they would have been the "the only thing standing in your way is yourself" types. I don't even disagree with that advice by the way, but it's like "No shit; I already know that. I need guidance and concrete help."
I'll ask, though. What do YOU want in a man? Are you different from the "typical" woman? Or do you want the same things every other straight woman wants; a man who isn't shorter than you, a man who has "confidence," and a man who is successful. Do you not want these things, too?
I just told you that the average height for men is shorter than you, yet you keep going with that? 😆 Okay, have it your way. But the woe-is-me thing gets old real fast. And i mean that in anyone, men and women. It's exhausting; aren't you?
I do like the distinction you make with confident and trust. It is interesting. But again, a matter of semantics considering that the same can be said about the behavior you dislike. They probably trust they're better and justified in being arrogant and obnoxious or whatever.
Just look into CBT. The practice usually has - if it hasn't been watered down for the PC crowd - great exercises in exposure therapy and challenging self-limiting beliefs and biases. It helps in calling yourself out on your own BS, which I love. It's not fun by any means but it helps in the long run.
Being a manlet in a country full of them doesn't matter if a girl is six-foot-two (187.5 cm). She's still not going to want one; the only difference is, she'll have to travel to Amsterdam to find her husband. You've been there, right? :)
If you point me to a legit website or something for cognitive behavioral therapy - one of the ones that aren't crap - I'll check it out. I'll have to devote some time to your 35 minute Vocaroo message you PM'ed me. That will take a while to question you about, so maybe after work.
I think you did the right thing, there's a lot of other people out there who would have been pretty in that situation. You're not inadequate you a good person who will one day find someone, who will see that.
Your fault for being in the friend zone and I think you know this. If you want to improve your life you have to be constructive. Dwelling on how you feel about these two is not constructive. Focus on improving stuff you can improve like say your talents (which you have shown some art/storytelling stuff on G@G for example). Eventually it will pay off in many areas of your life like confidence.
Most Helpful Opinions