Child support issues?

[Anonymous]

So I was in a relationship with a guy for around 6 months and due to me being unhappy in the relationship, I left. We've been separated for around 2 months now.

But anyway, turns out I'm pregnant, I haven't done anything else with anyone so I know it's his and I have told him about it and the fact I'm keeping it.

Now, he was really happy at first and started talking about us getting back together and living together, which shocked me. I made it very clear this baby doesn't mean we're getting back together and we're definitely not living together. I said we can find a way to co-parent without being together.

He didn't have issues with paying CMS ( Child maintenance service, Uk) at £250 a month but after that conversation he's trying to knock off £50 - I've told him I'll just do it through the government, which he's now kicking off at.

Would you say it's better to just make an arrangement between us or go through the government?

[SueShe]

Never trust a person that is bargaining at something as important as child support.

To me, that indicates that he is likely to want to lower the amount even more if he gets the opportunity. Furthermore, if you go through the government agency, you are covered legally since usually there is no possibility to appeal a government decision.

If you agree on his terms, even a written contract may not be sufficient to warrant the payment unless you go through a lawyer to prepare a legal document.

Better be safe than sorry. This is serious business and you have to claim the maximum possible. He bears at least 50% of the responsibility and should be accountable for it.

[Asker]

Thank you! I'll be sorting it out once the baby is here and contacting the right people, he keeps going on about changing his mind with being involved and I'm like I don't care what you do as long as you support your child but we'll see!

[SnakeBoop]

go through the government.
then if he fucks around with payments you have it fully set up with how much he should be paying.

[Asker]

Yeah definitely! I honestly don't mind if I end up getting less money, I just don't want him thinking he can get away with the bare minimum

[lightbulb27]

I don’t know. What’s fascinating is he has a grip on you for 20 years.


Have you considered therapy to sort this out as to what going in. He smothered you but you reacted badly to that. Love works in mysterious ways and you were attracted to him early. Something is up…


Either way.. wish all you the best and hope works out for the sake of the child

[Asker]

18, possibly 16 years - definitely not 20 and doesn't have any grip on me for 20 years, as I've said in another comment our only interactions will be to do with the kid. He won't do therapy, I've told him to get it especially since it's free in his area. I didn't react badly to him smothering me, within the 6 months we had numerous conversations about boundaries and space and they were all ignored, then he proposed, I said no and he continued to cross boundaries, so I left ☺️

[RolandCuthbert]

I would say make an arrangement and here is why. If you run into trouble financially, you could approach him for more. Most guys who are gentlemen will attempt to help. But if you go through a court order, then he. . . like me, will get bitter about it. My ex sued me for alimony.

But then needed financial help on top of that.

[Asker]

I don't need financial help and even if I did, I won't need it from him so that isn't an issue ☺️ He's trying to pay less, not more and I can't see that changing, especially with things not going his way. I've decided to go through the government, I'm not suing him or anything, I just want him to pay what he's supposed to and that's it - if he's going to pay it anyway, it shouldn't be an issue if it's through them.

[ClaircognizantEmpath]

hi, I've just used cms after 15yrs of just putting up with things myself, like texting every, yes every week to request the payment... i was with the guy for 14yrs... so my advice considering your situation and this was such a new connection resulting in a new soul, congrats by the way... hand that part over to the cms... but be aware of the calculations, if you haven't checked already... my ex who has a limited company but only draws 12 grand wages to avoid tax, ended in a £27 per week payment to me... now he has put forward another 8 grand of unearned income to make c. m around 50 per week... i cannot tell you, how enraged at the ridiculous way the system is run and worked out... my friend who knows him too, said he can earn fifty quid an hour ffs... i dont mean to sound rude, but six months you dont even know this guy... if you go to the cms at that point they check his hmrc info and from 200 to 800 a week its 12%.. direct pay means he doesn't get charged twenty percent and you dont lose four percent... you have no clue about the future but going with the service they have the capability to take funds through wages if he's working of course... and the relationship between you him and the new baby will go through many many issues and if you have maintenance set up and monitored it can't be used against you, and it will be at some point... in anger usually... do you want to be like me, 15 years of weekly texting on a Friday, maybe get it then or sat or sun or he's broke this week etc... why did i do that... to myself... my final point is.. by using the cms the forward journey between you, him and the baby cannot be held to ransom over money... xxx good luck im here anytime by the way xxx

[UniquelyBasic]

I would advise you to try and work it out between the two of you to make it a smoother process. If he is not willing to pay it then maybe getting the government involved may be the best choice for your situation.

[Asker]

I've tried my hardest to be civil up to this point where I've just had to tell him straight that we're not getting back together etc which obviously he hasn't taken well.

Although I've told him that us being in a relationship shouldn't affect what he pays towards his child which is why I'm thinking of doing it through the government.

[bamesjond0069]

Based on how you're the one not wanting to be back together... guaranteed he is going to be big drama for you the next 18 years.

[Asker]

@bamesjond0069 Probably! he was completely obsessed. Proposed within 4 months, would get jealous if I spent time with my family not him, then once I left him he continued, kept sending gifts to my door, Randomly turning up, sending food when I wasn't even in etc - it was way too much to deal with.

[bamesjond0069]

Yeah this won't turn out well. If i was you id have never even told him from the beginning.

[Cuminginside]

@bamesjond0069 well it's too late the cats out of the bag

[spartan55]

DO NOT do an informal agreement with him unless you want it ignored. Do it through the government. No issues that way.

[Asker]

I will be! I definitely think he'll keep asking for it to be informal but I do think I'd just end up not getting paid that way eventually

[Cuminginside]

I'm wondering if he somehow has the impression "why did I get this crazy broad pregnant?" I don't know you but the question bears to mind are you one of those? Oh and even with the government he could file a modification order to reduce his payments either that one or as long as a modification order is in effect. He will never trust you with the money do your best not to waste it try to keep receipts so he cannot say that you're wasting it on drugs or $500 haircut.

[Asker]

I've never done drugs in my life and I cut my own hair. I also have my own money to spend on myself but he needs to provide for HIS child, the same way I will be doing. If you don't want to pay child support, don't have sex with someone.

I don't care if he trusts me or not, the money isn't for me, it's for his child and he should pay it when it's due.

[Cuminginside]

Yeah and how did the both of you get pregnant?

[Asker]

We had sex, you'll never guess what I'm gonna be doing? Providing for our child, you know what he needs to do? I'll let you guess, it's pretty easy

[Cuminginside]

So neither you nor him did any kind of birth control options that includes pulling out?

[Asker]

Yup, was using condoms and I was waiting to be put on the patch as I reacted badly to the implant. He made it clear he wanted kids/marriage, proposed at 4months, I left at 6 because I couldn't deal with his obsessive behaviour.

[Cuminginside]

Was he obsessively before you got with him or does that develop during the relationship? And is there any possibility that the both of you can live separately but still raise a kid together maybe even physical intimacy but live apart that's a definite.

[Asker]

Started about a month in, at first I put it down to the honey moon period but it just didn't stop.

We will be living apart and I'd love for us to be able to co-parent, it's what I wanted as soon as I found out I was pregnant. There will be absolutely no physical intimacy or relationship our interaction would simply be to raise the child.

[Cuminginside]

Why no physical intimacy?

[Asker]

Because I have no need or want to be physical with a person I'm not with?

[RawIronhide]

It's astonishing how ignorant people are thinking "oh I'll just bring him to court" without realizing how that's a several year long process that drains both parties of their time, energy and money. You're Gunna do whatever anyways.

[Asker]

It isn't taking him to court nor did I ever say I was 😂

[RawIronhide]

Oh My bad. Honestly not sure how it works in the UK. I just know that in the states we all get screwed.

[Cuminginside]

Don't buy it she's just backing off for your sake.

[Asker]

You really don't have to go to court, that's only if once you've gone through the government they still don't pay, but I don't handle that they do. Literally take two seconds and Google CSA in the UK 😂

[Iron_Man]

This is very serious and personal you should think about it very hard

[Asker]

Think I'll be going through the government, I believe eventually it will cause less arguments they'll decide how much he has to pay etc

[Iron_Man]

Ok cool good luck

[Needadvice1202]

Try have an arrangement together
You both will get on better because of it

[Asker]

Decided to go through the government, I can already sense that he will cause issues whenever he doesn't like something, like he's already doing. At least through the government he has to pay and I can do something about it if he isn't

[Needadvice1202]

Trust your instinct if that's what you think is best :)

[Surely]

If you are not expecting a full fledge relationship with the father. Better do it through legal procedures. Then he can't back out of paying you the child support and then have you go through the courts to collect it.

[annabananna]

If you can’t come to an agreement going through the government might be the best option. 250 really isn’t that bad.

[Asker]

Yeah £250 is what the government says he should be paying and he's able to afford it and I'm happy with that, he's trying to drop it down to £200 which I think is odd as he's not taking it away from me he's taking it away from his own kid

[annabananna]

250 would be piano classes where I live. He has it pretty good if that all he has to pay and he is already trying to bargain. If he is not in a financially desperate situation than he shouldn’t be bargaining in helping pay for his child.

[Asker]

He's not, he house shares with a mate, and earns around 2k a month. I know it's simply because he's being petty too because he was willing to pay more (I said he didn't have too) when he thought we were getting back together (even though I said we weren't), once I told him again, he started saying £200

[annabananna]

Well, he has a lot of growing to do because you don’t let your issues with the other parent effect your kid. I do t know him but if he gets too difficult I hope you can find a support group with handling co parenting with a difficult person. I hope he won’t be doing this stuff frequently. cONGRATS on the baby by the way!

[Aakash_Hangargi]

How long you have know him , how many months pregnent you are?

[Asker]

I've known him for 1y8m, we were together for 6 months, We broke up at the end of January and I'm around 8-10 weeks pregnant, waiting for my dating scan.

[slatyb]

Go through the government.

[Asker]

I think I might have too. Might be okay to make an arrangement now but I can see him paying less and less every time something happens he doesn't like etc

[slatyb]

If you don't, he won't pay.

[Waldoe]

if you can't "Get along" let the government settle it, that way you will never have to deal with each other again...

[jasco]

Go through the government. No point in trying to do anything outside of it

[jammcm]

Go through the gov. That way there will not be any questions in the future.

Enjoy your baby.

[Pterodon]

Go through the courts

[Asker]

I will be!