Why do I keep being the target of bullying?

[Explorer91]

I’m not trying to play a victim. I’m trying to understand why i am always the target of bullying or someone targeting.
it is pushing me to a mental breakdown several times. I almost can’t take it anymore. And feel my life is a mess because of it. Always running away from everything because I’m so overwhelmed.
this is especially happening at work. But just in general too I find it hard to sustain friendships too.
I don’t get what I’m doing wrong, because I never get fired. I quit.
and friends or people are normally very keen on me at first but then lose interest.

i never ever get feedback. No one ever says any criticism to my face anyway. But I’m always the target of bullying at work to the point I quit on jobs constantly.
and people will be friends with me very easily but then slowly drift away.

i feel alone. And overwhelmed.

what am I doing wrong.

[HighlyVolatile]

Perhaps try to have more initiative. Be more assertive and proactive. Do your share of inviting your friends to places if you don't already. Don't try to appeal to everyone; that's usually a recipe to end up barely appealing to anyone.

Try to get the sense of being constantly overwhelmed under control. If you're constantly stressed out, even reasonable and better-meaning people might want to avoid your company. Try to think positively but realistically.

Try to develop the thickest skin you can. People will tend to avoid giving you direct feedback if they sense that you might be very sensitive and upset by it.

These are all very generic thoughts. I can offer more tailored ones if I know more about your specific character. Yet bullies tend to target those largely incapable of forging and maintaining alliances. I would think less of the bullies and why you have difficulty maintaining friendships with people who aren't inclined to bully others.

[Explorer91]

Yes. I do a lot of contract work. Out of choice because I get upset and run away. So decided to not attempt to be anywhere for too long. So I’m always the new person. Without an alliance. An easy target with a pretty face. I feel this is a problem. As I’m the new person without an alliance. Seen as a threat. As in general quite likeable and well received.
I’m not sure how to apppear like the type who is capable of forging alliances though. I tend to find people easily turn against me to side with or go along with a bully and I don’t know why they pick the bully over me every time.
I’m very not supported emotionally in my life. So I find it’s all a domino cycle very hard to get out of.

[HighlyVolatile]

Are you on the more agreeable or assertive end of the spectrum if I may ask? Sometimes I find more agreeable types tend to get a bit isolated and targeted in a bad way. If I put it blatantly, there's like the difference between, "Yes, I enjoy pizza," to "Hell yeah! I love pizza!" That sounds a bit dumb with the way I put this distinction but I think more animated and assertive types tend to draw people more and invite more favorable responses.

Also if you're very kind and well-intentioned, sometimes I think it might be valuable to keep that behind your sleeve. Sometimes if you're too eager to help others, even the better (not best, but better) people can start to see you like a servant and treat you like one. If you are somewhat reluctant about helping others, but do it anyway, you tend to find much more gratitude and appreciation among those you aid.

[HighlyVolatile]

I also had a bit of a similar experience growing up. My parents divorced when I was very young and went to opposite sides of the world (my mother to various parts of the US, my father in Japan and later Singapore), and I'd bounce between them while always being the new kid in school struggling not only to try to fit in but to learn new languages and cultures and social norms along the way.

I also got targeted by bullying types quite frequently in the process. I was a pretty ripe target especially when I went to the US for high school barely understanding American slang and dressing in cheesy ways to Americans (I started off wearing plain t-shirts and short shorts as popular in Asia). Yet I learned to sort of adapt and stand up for myself and build some allies who would watch my back. One of the biggest things I had to learn was assertiveness, since Japanese culture is extremely skewed towards valuing agreeableness.

[Explorer91]

More agreeable end but it’s not like I am passive. I am able to speak my mind and have been told I am chatty and talk a lot.
People often get shocked when I hate them because I will keep being nice to them despite them making under cutting comments at me. Often i am scared to be more assertive because in the past this backfires. Where If I say can you not insult me or can you not do this. The person then starts gossiping behind my back saying I’m a bitch kind of thing. So I hold back from putting a rude person in their place. I find when dealing with difficult people you are damned if you do and damned if you don’t.
I 5ink the fact that people say I’m chatty and talkative shows I don’t have a confidence issue with expressing myself. I usually just feel that people who tend to bully others. Have done it many times before, saying I don’t like something just tends to make them more pissed off in first place. It’s why I don’t do that strategy. I feel either strategy I do always fails.

[Explorer91]

I don't know people say I need to get over it. But I don't know I get very upset when people are mean to me. It’s like I expect people to be nice, and when they are not. And treat me like crap. I get upset and can’t handle it. I don’t get how to gave a thicker skin.

[HighlyVolatile]

Maybe a fun strategy might work? Or it might be like a thing you have to discover about something that feels true to you but invites loyal allies. I'm a fun-lover so the fun and assertive and humorous way worked best for me, but there might be a self-discovery process here for everyone. I wish I could help you more but maybe one suggestion I have is to focus more on trying to build and maintain those alliances. Don't let bullies get the better of you. And try to stay positive: every day is a chance to start anew, be reborn.

[HighlyVolatile]

On positivity and thicker skins, I might recommend Stoicism and Buddhism. The term, "Stoic" gets a bad vernacular rep as one who is unfeeling. A true Stoic is quite the opposite and in line with Buddhism; a Stoic sage is like a Zen Buddhist monk: someone who can maintain inner peace and joy even in the face of the greatest adversity.

Both revolve around the dichotomy of control (making the best of what you can control and making peace with what you can't):



Stoicism also formed the roots of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. It's a type of therapy designed to challenge unrealistic and negative thoughts.

[Explorer91]

Thanks for your help. Yes I am trying to find a new tactic as I’m finally had enough of the endless cycle of feeling despair about stupid shit in my life that I feel could be avoided. It takes away and I lose focus of my other goals when I get lost in focus and upset over all the drama.

[HighlyVolatile]

One thing in contrast to popular mindsets in the West is that the positivity of these philosophies doesn't come from optimism. Optimism is like deriving your happiness on the thought that it might stop raining tomorrow; that can set you up for epic disappointment and I often think the greatest of pessimists started out as the greatest of optimists. The positivity of these mindsets doesn't rely on the hope of a better future; it's making peace with the present, like realizing a rainy day isn't so bad and carrying an umbrella.

[HighlyVolatile]

Also if you want to share your daily struggles and thoughts with me, I can give it a shot although I have to warn you that I'm a student and far from a master. But sometimes it helps if you have someone else to offer a way to think about things in a more positive and productive (albeit realistic) way. If you can cultivate a sense of inner peace and joy regardless of your surroundings, I think you'll find more people (not everyone) drawn to that quality.

[In_Trance]

It must be something you're saying or doing ( or not)

[Anonymous]

You are a TARGETED INDIVIDUAL of Government Gangstalking