Am I a bad friend?

Question

I have a friend group that consists of four people, including me. We are all good friends and go to the same school. One of the friends rarely comes to school, as she is often ill or has a migraine, fyi, she is at school about one day every two weeks. Once she is at school, she often just sits quietly and makes the atmosphere awkward and sad. When we have had plans to see each other, she often cancels at the last minute, which makes her a little bit unreliable. I have asked several times if she has any issues mentally but she just says that she is well. That fact that she cancels plans last minute, does not add anything to our conversations and rarely comes to school has led to the three of us in the rest of the group getting to know each other better and getting closer to each other and because she constantly says no to hanging out, we have stopped inviting her. Am I a bad friend?

SteveSmith1985 · Accepted Answer

You aren't being a bad friend if you stop reaching out. At least as often. At the same time, it sounds like your friend is very very obviously going through SOMETHING or other!!!

I have no idea what is going on with your friend, rom the information you've given here, whether that might be something "mentally", physical-health-wise, or if she's in some messed-up situation (family shit, addiction, abuse, any flavor of fucked up ).

I don't want you to think I'm trying to be a dick about this. I'm not. You clearly care enough to have made an attempt to ask your friend if something was going on... and you cared enough to bother posting this question.

You're not being a 'bad friend' insofar as you're not clearly failing to fulfill the 'duties' of a friend. Believe me, if you were failing to be a good friend in any way I could call-out... I would totally call you out.

You... technically 'checked the boxes'... I guess...

But... I sure wouldn't say you've been a GOOD friend to this person either. Now that's only based on what's written here. Maybe things happened that you didn't include which make what I'm saying not really apply.

This girl is FOR SURE struggling. I mean... that's clear as fucking chrystal that she is going through some pretty heavy shit! Think about it... WHO only goes to school that rarely? ONLY someone who is going through some really serious shit... but is still desperately trying to 'hang on' to the normalicy of staying in school (I don't know if you're in high school or college). EIther way... she cares enough to come to school rarely. But isn't able to come regularly.

That is someone with a drug/alcohol addiction, extremely severe depression (or related), serious health issues (cancer, MS, AIDS... serious health shit)

Or maybe something else. But whatever it is... its fucking serious. At least it's serious for your friend. Look at how much her life is being disrupted!!

Again, I am not trying to accuse you of not meaning-well. But... asking "is it something mental" (as well as the overall impression I get of you... which... might be totally wrong)... is lacking in empathy. It isn't being approached in a way that is at all likely to make your friend feel comfortable opening up to you even if you're right, and it IS something mental.

The impression you give off (to me, maybe unfairly) is very much a lack of empathy for the fact that your friend is struggling (including your inability to recognize THAT your friend is like the 'textbook' case of someone going through some very difficult struggle.

She might not be willing/able to take you up on any help you offer, regardless of what you do to try and... both make it easier for your friend to open-up to you if she's willing to (by... showing more concern and empathy than you have so far).

Basically, it sounds like what you tried is about the equivalent of saying "what's going on with you? Are you on Drugs?" and expecting someone who's got a drug addiction to feel comfortable confiding in you and using you as emotional support (being a friend in a tough time).
Right now, I imagine, to her, you seem like someone who "wouldn't understand"... REGARDLESS of the nature of the struggle your friend is going through.

She needs a friend right now. She needs a friend more right now, that she probably has ever needed a friend at any previous time in her life.

Not everyone is BUILT to be 'that friend' and that's ok. But if you're someone who might be willing to help someone who needs help (if she's willing to accept that help)... then I think you should reach-out in a different way.

Let her know how worried you are about her, and offer yourself as an empathetic friend to lean-on and to talk-to (IF THAT'S SOMETHING YOU CAN DO).

This girl is drowning in something. She has been drowning for a while. She needs help. If you know how to swim, you really ought to help her. She is drowning.

🙂

Sparkie460 · Accepted Answer

Is the reasons she tells you the truth or is something going on at home. That's a lot of time to miss school. Have you been to her house before? Something doesn't seem right to me.

aaaaa23 · Accepted Answer

I don't think you're necessarily a bad friend. Friends often grow apart because a lack of communication and distance. However, there could be something going on in her life other than just being ill. The fact you asked this question proves that you have some level guilt. Try to give her space, but you guys should continue inviting her to events even if she says no every time. Let her know that you guys are there for her, and are willing to spend quality time when she needs it.

Marshymallow · Accepted Answer

Whatever works for you ig but she's obviously going through something. If you can't help her and don't wanna be bothered by it you can go ahead and ignore it but hopefully I'm wrong and whatever is going on with her isn't that bad.

Guy13 · Answer

Rotten…we all are.

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