Would I be a bad person if I don't go to my best friends memorial?

[Anonymous]

My best friend of 23 years passed last week and it's been really rough on me the last few days I been okay and getting by. Last night his sister messaged me saying his memorial luncheon is on the 25th. The thought started giving me anxiety, dread, and extreme sadness. Now I don't know if I want to/handle going. Not because I don't love him I do he was my best friend. It's just the finality of everything. Seeing his urn, the reality of 'you're really gone' and having to say goodbye. Like i don't know if I can do it. It's been conflicting me I dont know what to do or If these things are normal. Like I don't want to say goodbye for good cause it's so final if that makes sense. What should I do?

[England4eva]

Haven’t even read it all, and just from the title I know you should not go.

listen, everyone is different. Whilst some people see it as a celebration of life, others will see it as a grim reminder that someone they love is not there, becoming even more grief stricken. You cannot control your feelings or your view point, neither must you apologise for it. We all grieve differently.

You know yourself, no one else can judge you. If attending this thing will bring you more torment, you must not go.

In your own time when you are mentally ready, you can always hold your own memorial in your home or garden. Lighting a candle or planting a tree in memory. So, that as the tree grows, your friends memory lives on.

If this process does not naturally happen until a year from now, you must not rush it or panic that you have delayed it. I cannot stress this enough, it has to be in your own time, and there is no ‘right time.’

If you have a change of heart, and feel
you can cope with it, then of course go, but if you have any hesitation on the impact this reminder of your friend will have on your mental health... well, you already know the answer.

Sending you prayers and positivity.🕊

[Anonymous]

I didn't go to my grandfather's funeral for sort of the same reasons as you mention. Funerals are for the living to say goodbye and my grandfather being sick a really long time, we had plenty of conversations beforehand and I said what I needed to say, but I didn't want my very last memory of him to be an open casket with him dead in a box. Just couldn't have that be the memory in my brain. Yeah, it upset a few people and some saw it as disrespectful but I knew my grandfather and he knew me and I know he never felt like I didn't love or respect him, so I have always been fine with my decision and unlike how others say you will regret it, I have never regretted not going. Everyone likes to say people handle death differently but when someone actually does something that is not the so called norm, people don't want to accept that we really do handle death differently---you grieve how you need to grieve whether you end up going or not.

[Asker]

Yeah... like I don't want my last memory of him to be him in a urn. I want to remember him for the way he was in life. I can't/don't want to see him as a pile of ashes.

[markml]

Everyone handles grief differently.

The most important thing is to focus on the living, the people who are mourning at the loss of your friend.

I don't know how close you are to your friend's family, but even if you don't feel like going to the memorial, you might reach out to them and say you're there if they ever need someone to talk to.

Sometimes it's comforting to just have someone you can talk to and share memories with. Your friend's family has their memories, but you also have different memories. And in some sense, your friend lives through those memories.

One of the purposes of a memorial is to gather the people who cared about your friend together. But it doesn't have to be the only time and place that happens. You can just explain to the family your reservation about coming, because you prefer to remember your friend as he was living, and I'm sure they will understand.

But you can also tell them that you're there for them, if they need someone to talk to. And just say how much your friend meant to you. That means more than just a token "condolences" wish, which you become pretty numb to when you're grieving.

[Sonorous]

People have different reasons, preferences, tolerance levels, etc. So I don't think it would be fair to assume someone is bad simply because they didn't show up. Especially since, in your case, your lack of attendance would be due to the heavy emotional weight of the situation. Not the lack thereof.

That said, I believe the most important thing is how we treated the person while they were alive. So, if you were a good friend, then no amount of absence would or could change that.

But, as many here have stated, If you don't think you'll regret it, go ahead and do it. I believe the decision should be made based on what will help you cope in the long run.

[Whatever2929292]

I know I had to say goodbye to my great grandmother here recently. You don't HAVE to go if you don't want to. That does not mean that you don't care. I am sure that if you explained things that they should understand.

If you talk to them and maybe have support I know that you can do it. Memorials are sad. They are sometimes awkward. But I think maybe it could give you some closure.

I think that you need to communicate how you feel with your friend. If you say you just don't know if you can do it. I don't know.

I am really really sorry about your loss. I know it sucks. You may also see if you can speak to a mental health professional

[Espresso-Grande]

I'm very sorry about losing your friend.

Of course not!!

We all deal with grief differently. No one has the right to tell you how you should grieve. If you can't handle going, then don't go. This is you personal journey. Do what is best for yourself. Only you know how much you can handle.

My friend's grandmother couldn't go to her own husbands funeral , because she couldn't cope with it. That doesn't mean she didn't feel as much pain and loss as someone who went to their husbands funeral.

Sometimes in life you have to do what's best for your own well-being. It's not selfish.

[EarthRealm]

Act like you don’t care And either don’t show up or show up with a box of pizza 🍕 and if anybody judges you tell them That your just enjoying yourself and trying not to Care because if you let yourself care you will start crying



I don’t cry at funerals cause I just don’t Give a shit when someone dies it sucks the person died but I’m not gonna act like I am in pain over someone else dying.
Doesn’t make any sense and what doesn’t make sense doesn’t make me cry. Only time I cry is when It makes logical sense to cry and someone dying is not a reasonable reason to cry

[EarthRealm]

Plus it’s not like I died so I’m not gonna Mourn anything. I’ve never experienced the so called 7 stages of grief cause the 7 stages of grief doesn’t exist.

[sage2021]

I am very very sorry you and your best friend can no longer be there for each other.
Don't best friends do most everything together? That is why something is telling me to tell you that he would want to do this with you too. Give him a good send off from you. Do you believe he would do it for you if it was you that died instead? Something in my gut tells me he wouldn't miss it for the world. 🖤🌹

[Asker]

This legit made me cry and yes he would. we did everything together we live in Chicago so would go on all these adventures and we took a trip to New York together. i miss him so much

[sage2021]

The two of you are still best friends at heart ❤️. Of course you miss him honey. This is the hardest part of life I think; Trying to get through the loss of a person. That is almost an unbearable task. Hugs go out to you. Please cling on to your memories you have of the two of you. Ya know, most people in this world have never had a best friend, so you are lucky for the time you had with him. Time. 💔🥀🌷

[Asker]

Thank you

[Emilyis]

NO, some people just can't go. It's harder than people think when you loose your best friend. You just don't want to say goodbye. Then again. We all need closure. My mom always told me to go to funeral's because you will never see them again on THIS earth.

[Blackcosmo]

I'm so sorry for your loss.
Of course you wouldn't be a bad person for not wanting to go because it hurts you, but as hard as it sounds you should pull through because you might regret not saying your final goodbye to him. You do what works for you and I hope you feel better soon.

[IJhonnyI]

Trust me ma'am (very sorry by the way) but listen here you are gonna feel the regret if it's not for a month you will next year and I'm telling you right now go because i regret til this day that I didn't go to my homies funeral cause I thought if I don't see it it'll be better it's actually the complete opposite don't have any regrets go cry be sad but don't miss it nothing is worth more worth it than going again my prayers take care🙏🏽

[exitseven]

really sorry for your loss. You need to do what is best for you. These ceremonies are about closure. If you feel that you do not need that then it is okay to stay away unless you are one of the people who might be expected to say a few words about the deceased.

[AdithyaR]

Everyone handles grief differently. I just disconnect from the situation and let myself quietly move on in the background and i don't exactly show any signs of grief externally. It feels comfortable for me.

So you can do what you feel would be best for your grief cycle. Don't force yourself into anything that isn't good for you

[roy_ricky09]

It's perfectly alright. Trust me when I say this.
Go anyway, no matter how you feel or what your mind says...
Because if you don't you'll never get this chance again in your life. It's hard to take the first step, but will be alright once you get there.

[Sparkie460]

First, I'm really sorry for your loss.
Everyone handles death differently. I can understand your situation. My daughter couldn't go to my parents funeral for the same reason as you. Unfortunately, she does regret it now because she couldn't say her final goodbye.
You have to do what is best for you

[Lyndsielee666]

You’re gonna regret not going. I didn’t go to my best friends viewing but I did go to his memorial after he got killed and I still regret it big time.

[Asker]

Yeah you're right it's just hard to ' let them go' type feeling we been friends since we were 14 and like in my mind I don't want to let him go but I am sure I'll regret not going just hard you know?

[Lyndsielee666]

My cousins memorial last month I honestly sat outside on the curb because I couldn’t handle it either. That’s also something you could maybe do but you don’t need to go to say goodbye. Write him letters, talk to him when you miss him. He hears it🖤

[Aerissa_Jade]

Nope, I've missed some of close friends or family to. Might go to the viewing but not the actual funeral. Might not go at all, but later visit the gravesite.

[Nawlins34]

I had to sit and put myself in your shoes for a moment (as best I could) and here's what I came up with:

Do what your best friend (My condolences) would expect from you... and understand.

[faithgrace4u]

I'm sorry but maybe it's best if you should go maybe have someone else drive you and you might need to be there remember they're having it to honor him I'm sure he'd want you to go

[jahaims]

Do you think your friend would care if you mourn in your own way? Think about your funeral. Does it upset you to think about a close friend not coming because they mourn differently?

[Asker]

No if they can't handle it they can't handle it I don't want them to do something they can't handle

[supercutebutt]

If you don't, you will probably regret not going at some point in the future. So just go. Nobody promised you life would be easy.

[Jamesshinobi]

send flowers in support. but he wouldn't want you to attend if it would hurt you in any way. you will say good by on your owm terms amd at your own time.

[Anonymous]

i feel like most people who have been there ended up regretting it, maybe you wouldn't, but you may miss the chance of a proper goodbye. thats really all i can say. in the end its up to you.

[anton_dee]

Call and explain to them why you wanna avoid.

However if you can, do go, since he was ur bff n all innit!!!