Being Too Honest A Turn Off For Guys?

[Anonymous]

I can't tell you how many times I get straight up ghosted or looked at with “disgust” for being honest. Its like guys what this perfect, unrealistic girl. I’ll never forget the time I told the guy I liked that I I didn't have any one to hang out with and and he made a face and scoffed, and looked away. I immediately had to retract what I said.

But this isn't even unique to just guys. For everyone. No one wants to be associated with a “loser” but its like a catch 22. Im a “loser” because no one wants anything to do with me. I have to lie and say Im happy and that I love life, that I have a million friends, that I dont hate myself and that I have a lot going for me or else people get turned off,

[SteveSmith1985]

I feel like I can see pretty clearly what your problem is, and how you can perhaps go about improving things. But I am struggling to articulate/explain it in words... so bare with me.

First let me say that I can sympathize with you to a certain extent. I also have a tendency for being extremely honest (although I don't really feel like I"m TOO honest). Also, at times, I find myself feeling like "a loser". Not in the friends department, just in the "life" department. At any rate, something about this question struck a chord with me.

So, I could be misreading the nature of your experiences, but base on the single example you provide, as well as what you say about yourself here paints a certain picture. Forgive me if I have things wrong.

I think what people might be reacting to is: You seeming to almost be PROUD of thinking of yourself as "a loser". Like it seems as though you are perfectly content seeing yourself as a loser, that you hate yourself, are unhappy, and you go around "being honest" about all of these negative self-perceptions of yourself.

It's not a problem that you have nobody to hang out with. While that might be a stereotypical "loser" situation to find yourself in... the truth is, that it's not. Nobody (most people) is going to be 'turned off' by finding out that you have nobody to hang out with. That's sad, but not sad in a way that paints you in a negative light. But...

When someone says "I LIKE that I have nobody to hang out with" that's very different. I understand why that guy scoffed at you. It's a pretty ridiculous statement. Now, if you meant: "I'm an introvert who generally enjoys my own company over hanging out with others" then... again, that's TOTALLY different.

But what you seem to be saying is: "Yea I"m a loser. I KNOW I'm a loser. I LIKE being a loser". WHich may not have been what you MEANT... but that IS what you said. THat what anybody would "hear". And what that sounds like is some ridiculous self-delusional sillyness. Nobody who WANTS to hang out with people, but doesn't have anybody to hang out with... would LIKE the fact that they don't have anyone to hang out with.

So in this case at least, it's not your honesty tripping you up. It's your "general view of yourself as a loser, and worst of all your embraccing of seing yourself as a loser" that's to blame here.

I know what you're thinking: Ok... I can not "embrace" seeing myself as a loser, but, still, I DO see myself as a loser who has no friends, nothing going for her, is unhappy etc.

Fair enough. I'm truly sorry you see yourself that way, but right now we're just going to deal with the specific question you asked here.

So the "short answer" is: There is a difference between "being honest" and "disclosing too much inapropriately". I think that's also a part of it. Youu don't necessarily have to be honest TO THE LETTER when it comes to chosing what you disclose, whom you disclose it to, and the timing of the disclosure.

So, there is nothing at all wrong with admitting that you're unhappy, or that you have no friiends or anything else you're wondering if you're expected to fake. No, don't fake anything.. Part of it is "attitude". This is the problem with the whole example above. It's not that you had no one to hang out witth, but your ATTITUDE towards that fact which turned the guy off. So you MAY need to somewhat watch HOW you are honest about any particular thing.

TIming is another part of it. So, a first date might not be appropriate timing to "be honest" about feeling like you have no prospects, nothing going for you and no friends. (iit depends on the nature of the date and how you happen to be getting along). But, while not "faking it" you should maybe avoid being quite so brutal in your self-assessment you vocalize. So if you feel like you have no prospects and are unhappy, that's a pretty heavy conversation. It's totally appropriate with someone you know well, but not so appropriate with someone you don''t.

So choosing to disclose such a negative view of yourself, and your life WILL make people uncomfortable if it's not appropriate for you to be that open with them. ANd if they aren't someone you know at least somewhat well, then these things ARE too personal to "be honest about" in most situations. So it's not "faking it" it's choosing what you're honest about.

Let me put it this way. Let's say someone asks you "how's your day been"

Let's say, that in reality, you had horrible diarrhea, that morning. Let's say you shit yourself on the way to the bathroom at work, had to make a harrowing escape with panties full of shit o

[SteveSmith1985]

(I posted this by accident)... continuing...

esccape out to your car, where you went home to change and throw your shitty clothes in the trash.

So if that was HONESTLY your morning... It's totally OK to just answer "Oh it's been a busy morning" or "my morning's been fine, how about you?"

THere are very few relationships where being totally HONEST about that shitty (pun intended) morning would be appropriate.

[God_of_Thunder]

Your "short answers" are like my "short answers". Twelve paragraphs long. 😂

[SteveSmith1985]

@God_of_Thunder Yea... I really should never ever use the phrase "short answer". It's always a dirty lie.

[God_of_Thunder]

Haha, I still use it, even when G@G tells me I've run out of characters, and have to continue in a reply.

[SteveSmith1985]

@God_of_Thunder oh me too. I think my record is a 6-self-reply answer. I'm wordy motherfucker. I use many words when few would do ( I don't think in "fewer" words)

[God_of_Thunder]

Well, honesty is fine; preferable, even, but there is a fine line between being honest, and self deprecating.

If you're telling people negative things about yourself, then you're unintentionally encouraging them to think negatively, as well. It's like a job interview. If you tell the recruiter that you oversleep a lot, even if you say it with good humor, you're actually subtley influencing their decision not to hire you.

If you tell people you're a loser, and have no friends, then you're simply giving them reasons to avoid you, no matter how you say it, because you're giving them a negative impression of you. Honesty is a good quality, but you don't have to offer information that would be better kept to yourself.

I mean, if you have an infected hair follicle on your butt, it would be honest of you to tell people, but it's not something they need to know. You can keep some things to yourself, and still be an honest person.

[Asker]

I say these things cuz they ask. I never go out of my way to say I have no social like to people I wanna be friends with. They always ask what Im doing, what I like to do or what do I do (work). Just a lot if things that I can't really lie about without digging myself into a hole.

[God_of_Thunder]

Well, just don't offer up any extra information that makes you look bad.

If someone asks what you're doing, just say that you don't have any plans at the moment. It sounds much better than saying you're a loser with no friends, and it actually encourages them to ask you if you'd like to join them. 😊

[Asker]

I don't know how you think my conversations go.
“What are you doing?”
“Just chilling atm”
“Oh nice. Do you ever do anything? Sounds like you're always home”
“Well thats because I just dont have anything to do”
“Why not? Dont you have hobbies? Friends?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“I have no idea. People just never seeme to like me”
“ ……. oh……” (and thats being generous)

[God_of_Thunder]

Alright, that's a little more than I was expecting, but if this person knows enough about you to know that you are always at home, doing nothing, then you must converse with them frequently enough for them to know that.

If that's the case, it would suggest that there's at least some interest there, which could be the beginning of a friendship. Otherwise, why would they care? You could try asking them what they want to do, instead. Even just saying, "Why do you ask?" could be enough to move things in a positive direction.

Unless you don't actually want to do anything?

[Asker]

You would think its that simple right? But no. I've had people act like they really like me but they have zero intention of actually hanging out with me. Have had people ask for my number but they never texted me. Had people OFFER to hang out and when I tried making plans, didn't reply. Asked to do something with people and they kept giving excuses. Had plans made with people but they ended up going ahead with the plan without me. Even invited myself to something before and all the people I knew ignored me when I showed up.

In more recent time, I've had online “friends” who I emotionally shut off because I didn't wanna get too attached. But then they said they really cared about me and thought about me all the time. I then allowed myself to be open to them and I let my guard down. Only for them to admit theyed never meet up with me or invite me to their wedding or tell anyone about me. But theyve had no issues meeting up with other people.

Just seems like the most people can do is talk to me for a bit but not actually want to be my friend. Feels like they do it out of pity.

[SteveSmith1985]

@77five The guy in this particular conversation is being a total asshole. This one is not "all your fault" by any means. Who the fuck asks "do you ever do anything"? Sounds like you're always home'? That's an asshole thing for him to have said. THAT is where this conversation started to go sideways. Honestly, fuck this guy (metaphorically).

[Asker]

@SteveSmith1985 😂😂 If I told you why I was laughing Id sound like a lunatic

[SteveSmith1985]

@77five well... now I'm curious...

[Asker]

@SteveSmith1985 dm me

[watercolor_lions]

There is a difference between being honest and bitter. I can be honest about how I feel without being bitter. It might not be the honesty but the attitude behind it that they are detracted from.

[Asker]

I always laugh and add “lols” to whatever I say. Im never bitter about this stuff

[anon1903]

Not a turn off, more like an unpleasant weakness. Never be too honest.

[BLP11520]

No i don'tI think so , i