Honestly how can two cheaters (my own parents) love each other?

[Anonymous]

It's been several years since I accidentally stumbled upon my father's old journal and read it. Both of my parents cheated long ago and here they are, still married and happy in their own ways I guess. In fact one of my younger twin sisters is 7 months pregnant now (she's just 19) and they're going to be grandparents for the first time.

What I read was gross. My dad (both then 20 year-olds at the time) literally walks in on my mom cheating with his friend in his own house, on the couch. Basically caught in the act. He break ups and fight/punches the friend, she begs, apologizes and promises to never cheat again. Then he takes her back months later, worked it out through couple therapy, they get married years later and I'm born 2 years into their marriage. Dad still had doubts and does the paternity test twice and it was positive twice. He puts his distrust at rest but his ego is hurt. He still revenge cheats; I was only a toddler at the time. Though he confesses weeks later. They worked it out again; this time with a marriage counselor. They promised to each other no more cheating and that's how it's been since then. They had two kids later on; my twin sisters.

If I'd never read his journal, I would've thought I had the nearly perfect family. I've taken them both out of the pedestal since finding that out. My image of them is forever shattered. I never told them I know. I guess it's not my business after all. Supposedly they do love each other. Both cheated. How is that possible?

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Ever since finding that journal, I never felt comfortable seeking relationship advice from them. I can't understand that logic of loving someone you cheated on. I don't get it.

[SnowedIn]

I am so sorry that that happened to you and you learned what you did. That sucks hugely. My dad cheated on my mom when I was 11 and led to their divorce and a bitter, acrimonious, toxic family structure. You're right: the cheating and it's aftereffects suck big time.

You ask a great question, both in the title of your post and the last sentence. I'll offer you my answer and ask not that you be happy with it or necessarily even agree with it but perhaps acknowledge the possibility of some truth in what I write as someone who has parents divorced as a result of cheating and as someone who has been married for 23 years. My answer to your really awesome question is that love is an amazing thing. It has a flexibility that transcends anything we know. It has a strength that can withstand more than we can imagine. Humans, too, have the capacity to have that strength and flexibility. It is possible for two partners in a relationship/family/marriage to forgive. It doesn't mean that what they did was right. It doesn't mean they forget. It doesn't mean that your hurt and feelings are invalid -- your feelings are VERY valid. It just means that your parents have a maturity and wisdom that allows them to heal the rift and use their love to bridge over their mutual mistakes. I use the bridge term deliberately. They're not papering it over -- they moved forward. You spoke of the logic of loving someone after cheating. That's 100% valid. I'd offer that love isn't a zero sum game. What makes you love someone doesn't go away when they cheat. Even if the hurt and betrayal are off the charts, the love may still be off the charts. Those two things can coexist.

If you ask me about not telling you and your sisters I'd say that this is a really rough place for parents. I have four kids. Telling our kids about our mistakes is really hard because we spend so much time telling kids not to make mistakes. :) In the case of your parents (and I'm totally guessing) they made a decision that this bit of marital history wasn't key to raising their family. I'd agree. Based on the intelligence of your post and how you wrote it, your parents created a family of strength and connectedness. That's their legacy and speaks highly of both them and you.

Finally, one of the dichotomies of being a parent is that you dispense advice and wisdom even from a place of having done the exact opposite. I can see your parents raising you and your sisters to not cheat and that looks hypocritical. And by definition it is. At the same time, their operating model is to protect you, and your possible future partner and kids from the hurt they caused each other. Sometimes we as humans can offer guidance and advice not because we haven't made a mistake, but precisely because we've made those mistakes.

I apologize if this is long and rambly. I want to reiterate that your feelings are totally valid and I am really sorry you learned this. Likewise, I'd reiterate that the answer to your question is that a genuine love can work over, past, and around an event like this in a marriage/relationship and make the couple stronger for it.

[Asker]

Thank you for the reply. Yeah I tried to look it that way too even though it can be hard taking relationship advice from them. My sisters and others in the family still have that perfect image of them. They don't know what I know.
Both sets of grandparents get along with each other. Well at the time, dad never told his parents what she did (otherwise they would've hated her for sure... nice guy I guess, lol) and she didn't tell her parents either when he cheated back. They basically kept that to themselves. I guess that must have been hard work.

[Vesuvius87]

If they kept this a secret from you all these years then it means they tried the best to raise you good. Your parents aren't extraordinary heroes you've placed on the pedestal. They're just average, flawed people. I say your upbringing is better than mine. It could've been worse. I heard and saw violent episodes of my parents' marriage during my entire childhood and later years.

First it used to be my father always hitting first every single time my mother was verbally antagonistic. Then many years later, tables turned for a while. It was my mother doing the hitting out of revenge and my father only being verbal. Nowadays they get along better and there hasn't been any violent episode for the longest from neither side.

Personally, I will not tolerate cheating nor violence in my relationship. Once is more than enough for me to call it quits.

[Vesuvius87]

Coincidentally I've been into martial arts, Judo for a year now. It helps you relax and release stress.

[Brando10222]

I feel you. It's something that's not good at all.

[Asker]

I used to think I had the loving, perfect family. Neither my twin sister nor anyone knows what I know. When I read about the first cheater (mom), I felt how dad's pain must have been like. Inside me I was like ''Mom how could you, you destroyed him, teaching me about value and you were screwing his buddy'' but then when I read about dad's revenge cheating years later I thought to myself ''Wow, dad you're no better than. Teaching me about forgiveness and how vengeance are bad, lol.. I remove you from my pedestal too''.

[Brando10222]

Yeah, it's like you can no longer trust them and their advices. I would do the same thing as you. Hugs for you 🤗🤗