Is it fair for me to feel upset in this situation?

[Anonymous]

Last month my boyfriend found out that a longtime friend of his passed away. This guy is also the cousin of his best friend (who is male). Today was the funeral, and last week when he found out about it I offered to go with him, he was sort of passive so since then I haven’t said anything else. So yesterday while he was with me he mentioned the funeral again, and I offered again to go. He then asked me if I knew the cousin. I told him “no but I know you and I just wanted to be there for support”. He said there wouldn’t be enough room, which confused me because it was a graveside ceremony. So he clarified and said that he was meeting the best friend at his house, then riding together with him and the family, so no room for me. I don't know why this kind of bothered me, because he’s nothing other than a guest at the funeral, so what difference would it make to drive his car so I could go? But I didn’t say any of that, I just said ok and my mood was kinda down the rest of the night. So the funeral was to be at 10am this morning, and he left at around 8am to get a dress shirt and then meet up. Then he calls at about 1:15p saying it was about to start, and obviously that’s weird since he said 10 earlier, but again I stayed quiet about it. It was over at about 330p, then he called to say he’s going to the afterpass. So now this funeral has essentially been all day, he just called to tell me they’re drinking and smoking like a party and I feel so irritated. Why not even invite me to this afterpass? It just feels like I’m being hidden or possibly something else. I don’t want to have misdirected anger, so I’d appreciate outside opinions, and please be kind if you disagree.

Updates

1 y

Thanks so much for your responses. I wasn’t trying to be selfish in this, I guess I just thought going together to things like this was what couples did. I have my g-pa’s funeral this weekend and invited him, because I want him there. I think it was just weird to me that he didn’t feel the same in this case. But I am probably overthinking, so I appreciate your reassuring thoughts❤️

[icedragoom]

From what I can see here this guy his friend was like a brother to him and the friends that were all there at the funeral went out drinking and smoking it's a guy thing at this point he may be grieving with the boys by drinking crying and telling stories but you got the most important job of all the guys may drink and smoke and sad/happy that there all together. But when that man comes homes he is going to be either on the bed or on the couch crying about the old days with his now lost friend and he is not going to have any one there to hold him and tell him that it will be okay

[Asker]

Very true, I didn’t consider that. Thank you

[icedragoom]

It's one of those things to where he just needs some guy time for a bit but when it gets to the emotional patch that is where you come in don't take what he did personally just know that he loves you very much and what he is about to deal with only you will be b his side to see him ugly cry

[kylee2437]

Hmmm so I get your point and I can understand why you may be upset because it seems like he’s lacking communication? But at the same time you don’t know his cousin therefore a funeral where you don’t know anyone there isn’t about you. A funeral shouldn’t be a place for that to be the meeting ground in which you meet those people. I think the bigger issue here is you feel hidden , so maybe you are feeling this way in other situations besides this one? Maybe you need to address to him that it bothers you that you haven’t met really anyone close to him. I think that would be a more productive discussion than trying to assume why he may not have invited you to this gathering when he technically has the right to decline you from coming.

[Razp_Sorbet]

Funerals with after services typically last a whole day. My friends funeral was meeting up at 10:30, convoy to the funeral for an 11:30 service, then to a different location for the after service where everyone drank til about 5pm.

While I understand you wanted to be a support person for him its not always appropriate, have you been together long? Maybe he isn't comfortable with you seeing him in such a vulnerable state. Maybe he didn't think it was appropriate for you to be there since you didn't know anyone else.

Funerals in general are hard and confusing, so I wouldn't worry too much about it. Just be there for him in this moment as he continues to grieve his loss, you don't have to be at the funeral to be supportive

[Tyrael]

It's a funeral for his friend, not a typical social gathering. It's not unusual for funerals to last most of the day, especially if there's a wake after it. I'd let it go.