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Am I spending too much time with him? He goes on and on about people from years ago that let him down and he hits on my friend and I and is possessive of us when we try to make new friends, trying to sabotage it for us. I’m starting to get more aware of his faults and more annoyed by them.
I'm not sure how you managed to get into your 30s without realizing that you can't be "just friends" with a single man. You have a SMALL chance of being able to be "just friends" with a guy who is either already in a happy, healthy relationship OR is a guy who is popular enough with women that he gets laid plenty already. If either of those aren't true, then the chances of being just friends is very, very close to zero.
Since you don't know these things already, you probably also don't understand that sex is to men what attention is to women. You want his ATTENTION, and he wants SEX. The only reason he's giving you attention is because he's hoping to get sex from you sooner or later - and if you told him tomorrow that sex would NEVER, EVER happen between you, you'd see him fade out of your life quite quickly - the HOPE of sex is the only thing keeping him around.
Most guys, upon getting rejected, immediately walk away and pursue their interests elsewhere, but some guys will keep a girl around if he thinks there's a chance (most guys aren't willing to invest in such a long-shot, but a few will), and such guys often have multiple different women in their orbit, and are waiting a (possible) turn with each of them. The other type of guy is a guy who is super desperate, and is stuck on you, and will stay in your "Friend-Zone" hoping eventually for either sex or a relationship (with would, of course, include sex, but some guys DO actually want a real relationship). The key piece of information is that NONE of these guys are actually looking for a FRIENDSHIP, and the fact that they're sexually (and some romantically) attracted to you is going to affect your relationship with him - ALWAYS! He will always have some hope or expectation that, sooner or later, he's going to get what he wants.
This is why, as a rule, men and women cannot be "just friends." I realize that WOMEN can be "just friends" with men, but men simply are not capable of this (with rare exceptions), unless they're already having those needs met elsewhere.
Men UNIVERSALLY know that men and women can't be "just friends", and they typically laugh at the absurdity of the question, but so many women cling to the idea that they can have a male "friend" - well, not if he's single or otherwise getting a copious amount of sex already.
i dont think you understand that men and women can't really be best friends. if he is your best friend its because he want to get with you period. only a female can truly best friends with a guy if he finds you ugly as hell. and he is not attracted to you at all or he has a girlfriend, or he is gay. its the only way it will work. I think you are finally realizing that men and women can't be friends and you will see why. its like you never had him as a friend cuz its not gonna work if he is attracted to you. its technically a lost case either way. Sure a girl can say that men and women can be friends no matter the cause, its completely false.
only to a certain degree like i said above men and women can truly be friends. otherwise a guy will try and get with you no matter what other dudes you are dating. he will get jealous and not like the idea of you seeing other guys while he attracted to you. of course that is out to happen and women think most guys are only platonic friends but most dudes especially if you are attractive will try and see if they lay you in bed with time.
He hits on you AND your friend? As well as acting possessive of you and your friend whenever you try to make now friends? I think it’s time to find a new “male friend” this guy clearly does not understand boundaries, and frankly he sounds dangerous, the way he acts possessive, as if you were his property!
Well you just listed the exact reasons.
So I guess what you're really asking is if you are justified in your feelings, and if you have to feel guilty about them, and if you can cut him loose.
And the answers are:
Yes.
No.
Yes.
Opinion
29Opinion
I’ve been feeling this for some time with friends of mine. I moved away for a while, came back, and since I’ve been back it’s just not the same… and yet, it IS the same, to a fault. It’s as if they haven’t grown at all in the time I was away, they’ve just increasing gotten jealous, bitter, or just don’t want to do anything to help themselves, when it’s clear as day how they could start doing it. They’re trapped in a bubble. There’s always an excuse.
I feel like one of the guys in particular saw things on social media that just made him feel some type of way and it’s like “Ohh man, he’s got new friends now? Ohh man hanging out with the pretty girls now?” and man, that behavior is just sad. For months it was constant barraging, like “ohh you just think you’re so good” type stuff and it’s like bro, I’m here just doing my thing. “I’m here being chill lol… wbu?” I was excited to come back around and catch up, explore some new opportunities, and it’s like they just HAD to act weird.
And they’re not in the best health and it’s like now it’s smacking them in the face and it’s, “well, you should know what to do.” 🤷♂️ It’s been nothing except feeling like you’re trying to navigate around their feelings and I’m done with it. “YOU guys figure it out, deal with the decisions you’ve made, whatever weird past trauma or complexes you have.” It’s THAT type of sh*t! 🙄
They will do anything but look themselves in the mirror and when you do something that shines the reflection back at them, YOU’RE the bad guy. You can’t even be honest or authentic with them, it gets under their skin and you’re not even trying to and they just outwardly project their own negativity and insecurities because of it. Like it was good until literally nothing happened and it’s like “where did that outburst even come from?” It’s absolutely ridiculous, child-like stuff.
Married 30 something year olds… (with children!)
Yeah, friends annoy each other.
Some other replies went into inter gender dynamics and hinted at conspiracy theories of him being thirsty for you, but that isn't really too necessary to get a good perspective.
If you two go way back, then it makes sense that he would talk to you about people that you both know from a long time ago. Who else is he gonna talk to about them?
If he hits on other girls, then well yeah, that's what guys do, what, do you expect him to remain celibate while he waits for you to fall in love with him?
I think you just gotta accept that he's different from you, and that he's gonna get on your nerves or that you won't understand him because he's a guy.
But if you set boundaries and communicate then you can still be appreciative of each other's company.
You’re probably not gonna like hearing this, but somebody’s gotta say it.
If he is in fact, the way you say he is then he is not your best friend rather, you are just his toy or play thing or even just another source of entertainment for him. Believe me if you break up your “friendship” with him he will either stock you or he will get over you entirely eventually most likely after trash, talking you and trying to completely and utterly ruin your reputation, I know people like this I know how they think I know how they act and you want nothing to do with him.
Anyways, good luck. You have yourself in quite a bind now and there’s no real easy way out of it.
One thing you are guaranteed to find in someone else is faults. We all have them but they affect us differently and some may bother us less as time goes on. Can you live with them? Maybee you need some more space. You could also try to avoid situations together where these faults are more likely to come out. There is something that also merits you listening to that inner voice and gut feeling unless you know from past experiences that you are a serial relationship sabatour
Because guys and girl’s can’t really be best friends it sounds like he is hanging out with you a lot because he either wants to bang you or your friend , If he was a good friend he wouldn’t try to sabotage your friendships with other people , so that right there just tells me he either likes you or your friend more than just a friend
u Does he have the hots for you? Had he ever openly expressed that to you? Have you done anything that he would interpret as a rejection of his interest? Are you interested in him. . . really?
Ur answer is kinda in ur question. He complains about people that let him down in the past and all. He may have been really hurt and scared that he's trying to preventing it from happening again with u guys. Well in the process of doing that he may get possessive like u said and do things that may not make u guys happy thinking he's trying to protect himself and u guys. Either ways I think you should let him know how you guys feel and reassure of your friendship with him.
My girlfriends friend did exactly this and tried this with me... even if he has no feelings for you and its strictly jealousy, its because he wants all your time to himself and himself only, it's possessive. I would also be worried about he acts if left alone with other friends of yours for a couple of minutes by themselves... he probably doesn't act nice towards them either. It sounds really toxic and you should consider cutting him off or if you can't do that then laying down some boundaries
Tell your friend to STOP BEING A DEBBIE DOWNER you don’t want to hear that shit.
Oh I would get tired of a girl who went on about people who had let her down.
Don't see what is in it for you.
He hits on your friend AND you? Wtf is that and why are you tolerating it?
I’m not gonna say there is no opposite sex friendship, there is. I keep the friendship in good standing by making myself scarce.
You already described the reasons you're annoyed with him.
He sounds toxic and exhausting to be around.
It's natural that you'd get annoyed eventually.
Cause guys and girls, at least straight ones, can't be "just friends"
No matter how hare they try, IT doesn't WORK
I would have to say honestly. Try taking it to the next level. Friends with benefits. It will be a whole new thing. If u become annoyed after that still. Then I'm not sure.
Sounds toxic as fuck, I'd distance yourself from him.
What'd mean by "male" best friend? The misandry and sexism in your question is all too obviously implied. How about "best friend". People are all different.
He really obviously doesn't see you as just a friend. I'm assuming that disconnect is probably causing most of the issue.
Tell him how you feel in a nice way. If he gets mad, than screw him.
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