My father is depressed?

Hello, my mom died about a year ago and everything was ok. a couple months down the road he started getting upset over small things and accuse us and my siblings when we did nothing wrong or try to help I’m. i can’t talk to him anymore when I do besides work he starts arguing for no reason out the blue , or find something to fight about. it’s been really bothering me for months also he just talks about the same thing like killing or death. or disease. that’s how my mom passed with diseases. I don't know what to do. he is a different person he even stop talking to a lot of his family for no reason. i understand he is sad but he likes to put it out on people and it’s making me upset he is also very controlling and complain heck of a lot. Whatever that doesn’t deal with his work he blows up. seems like I can’t move on with my life. There is a deeper issue I wanted to ask have you guys ever dealt this with a parent who lost a spouse , is this normal? deep down I know there is a psychological issue because it doesn’t make sense to constantly be upset after a year

SteveSmith1985

Guru Age: 39

I don't have any personal experience with the type of loss you've endured. I'm so sorry you lost your mother so young.

I think that it's very safe to say that your dad is "depressed" and is having an extremely difficult time coping after your mom's passing. I think it's typical for that to not show itself for the first while.

You're right about it being unfair that he take-out-his-emotions on you and the other people he loves in unfair ways. In a way "he can't help it". But in another way, he needs to be more conscious of the damage he's doing. Because he can "help some of it".

I would like to offer a sugestion: Write your dad a letter explaining all of this. Tell him that you're worried about him, that you've noticed the change, talk about the problems it's causing for you and other member's of his family, and basically..."say all the things he needs to hear".

He DOES need to hear all you have to say.

I totally understand that you two don't talk. That's why a letter works.

First of all, he'll immidiately understand that this is something serious, that you've put thought, time and effort into. It makes someone inclined to pay attention when you give them an actual letter.

Second and most importantly: He cannot interrupt you.

He has no choice but to "hear-you-out-completely". He can't throw-off what you were going to say by getting you side-tracked onto some other stupid-shit (as parents are often expert at doing). He can't get angry about some specific particular point you're making thereby distracting the conversation away from covering the remaining points you wanted to address etc.

He has to listen, and can't do anything about that.

Third: He is FORCED to think a little before reacting in a knee-jerk way. You won't be in front of him while he's reading it and immidiately after. If he is going to get inapropriately defensive, or upset or whatever... it gives him a chance to re-think his reaction before reacting TO YOU. It keeps people from acting hot-headedly.

Fourth- Your words remain accurate. There is a piece of paper with EXACTLY what you said to your dad. Nobody can ever try to twist your words, re-work how the conversation actually happened, invent shit you didn't actually say, or any of that nonsense. And he can even re-read your letter the next day or the next month, to refer to it if he wants to.

You should end the letter by "asking him to do something." You're not just writing it to tell him he's being a jerk to you. You're writing it because you're concerned about him. What is it you want him to do exactly? (probably should be to get himself into therapy)

I actually think it's extremely important that you make all of this known to your dad. He really does need to hear how he's making you feel. He knows that the death of your mother has been extremely difficult for you too. He does not want to strain his relationship with you because of the way he's reacting to the loss he's already had to endure. I think... that he would try his best to change, if he knew how you saw him now.

Even if you don't go with a letter. I think you do definitely need to talk to your dad. This is stuff he needs to hear. 🙂

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SteveSmith1985 Follow
Guru Age: 39 , mho 73%

1 y

I don't have any personal experience with the type of loss you've endured. I'm so sorry you lost your mother so young.

I think that it's very safe to say that your dad is "depressed" and is having an extremely difficult time coping after your mom's passing. I think it's typical for that to not show itself for the first while.

You're right about it being unfair that he take-out-his-emotions on you and the other people he loves in unfair ways. In a way "he can't help it". But in another way, he needs to be more conscious of the damage he's doing. Because he can "help some of it".

I would like to offer a sugestion: Write your dad a letter explaining all of this. Tell him that you're worried about him, that you've noticed the change, talk about the problems it's causing for you and other member's of his family, and basically..."say all the things he needs to hear".

He DOES need to hear all you have to say.

I totally understand that you two don't talk. That's why a letter works.

First of all, he'll immidiately understand that this is something serious, that you've put thought, time and effort into. It makes someone inclined to pay attention when you give them an actual letter.

Second and most importantly: He cannot interrupt you.

He has no choice but to "hear-you-out-completely". He can't throw-off what you were going to say by getting you side-tracked onto some other stupid-shit (as parents are often expert at doing). He can't get angry about some specific particular point you're making thereby distracting the conversation away from covering the remaining points you wanted to address etc.

He has to listen, and can't do anything about that.

Third: He is FORCED to think a little before reacting in a knee-jerk way. You won't be in front of him while he's reading it and immidiately after. If he is going to get inapropriately defensive, or upset or whatever... it gives him a chance to re-think his reaction before reacting TO YOU. It keeps people from acting hot-headedly.

Fourth- Your words remain accurate. There is a piece of paper with EXACTLY what you said to your dad. Nobody can ever try to twist your words, re-work how the conversation actually happened, invent shit you didn't actually say, or any of that nonsense. And he can even re-read your letter the next day or the next month, to refer to it if he wants to.

You should end the letter by "asking him to do something." You're not just writing it to tell him he's being a jerk to you. You're writing it because you're concerned about him. What is it you want him to do exactly? (probably should be to get himself into therapy)

I actually think it's extremely important that you make all of this known to your dad. He really does need to hear how he's making you feel. He knows that the death of your mother has been extremely difficult for you too. He does not want to strain his relationship with you because of the way he's reacting to the loss he's already had to endure. I think... that he would try his best to change, if he knew how you saw him now.

Even if you don't go with a letter. I think you do definitely need to talk to your dad. This is stuff he needs to hear. 🙂

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My father is depressed?

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