Who is wrong in this scenario?

[Anonymous]

Two years ago, I offered to take in someone's child temporarily and care for them while the mother gets her life back on track. The mother was living with family and became homeless. I seen she had a hard time taking care of her son, so I volunteered to take on that responsibility until the mother finds a house and is in a good position. A few months later, I got custody. Mainly because I needed daycare and I couldn't take him to the Dr's without a parents consent and it was hard getting a hold of his mom.

Side bar: I'm a single woman with no kids, no relationship- so I didn't think twice and thought it would be easy.

A year later, 2 other family members kids (different reasons) came to live with me. 1 stayed for 6 months and the other is still with me. 2 years later, things are really difficult so I got another job.

The child that I have custody of, the mother now has a job and a home. She actually got it a month after I took him in. Right now I'm realizing with the second job- I never see the child because I'm always at work and on the weekends he goes to his mom or dad's house. I feel like I'm at a point where I am now not giving the child the life he needs. He's either at daycare or with a babysitter because I'm always working. I work from 8am-8pm. I spoke to the child's mother and told her that we need to come up with a plan because the child is not getting the same attention he once was. He's lacking the mother figure. She got mad at me. I don't feel like I'm giving up on the child but in some aspect I do. However, I'm not his mom and I think the mom needs to be responsible. She is appreciating freedom instead of taking advantage of the help and trying to transition back to being a full-time mother.

Am I wrong for helping but then switching?

[kylee2437]

I think you are doing the best you can, and personally I think you are an absolutely amazing person for your efforts and wanting to give children the best life they can get. You are not wrong for what you are doing and I am very sorry this lame excuse of a mother is taking advantage. I think the only thing you can do at this point is reach out to other sources besides the mother because unfortunately this mother is never going to help. I think this situation is very “gofundme” friendly and/or have you tried any government assistance sources?

[Asker]

I never applied for government assistance because it wasn't supposed to be permanent. And I know this sounds crazy- but the mother is getting the assistance. I thought that if she kept getting it, it would make things easier for her to get him back. But all in all- she's just using it for herself.

[kylee2437]

@asker this may be an issue to get a lawyer involved and taking her to court.

[NotTacocaT6969]

There is nothing wrong about being overwhelmed by taking on responsibilities that were not yours to take on.


You have been taken advantage of by deadbeat parents.


You owe nobody anything.


Take control of your own life again if that’s what you want.

[DaveJord]

Well may woman seem to think they can raise children with a man, that they can provide all that a man does for a child without a man. Unfortunately, that is not the case.

Yes I would say you are wrong, you never should of took custody of the child if you were not 100% prepared to be its mother. Which apparently you are not prepared to do. Should the real mother be more involved I would say yes that she should. But whether she is or not, doesn't change the fact that you took up this responsibility on your own.

[kylee2437]

I’m not a fan of this response. All she wanted to do was help two children and it’s becoming a lot because the result of an awful “mother” . Your response seems to not emphasize on how awful it is for someone that is supposed to be a mother put responsibilities on other people.

[DaveJord]

@kylee2437 She took the responsibility, so it is her.

[kylee2437]

@DaveJord yes but she thought it would be temporary responsibility. That isn’t on her, this is a result of a person that gave birth to children and didn’t deserve it. Seems like she wants full custody but the way the system works, it’s impossible.

[DaveJord]

@kylee2437 I am not disagreeing with you. Point I am making is that she took this responsibility on her own... if she did not know what she was getting into that's on her. I am not granting her saint status, for back pedaling now.

If it is all about the child, and what is best for the child, then she should of thought about that before stepping in and trying to be do gooder. So now it seems like she wants to claim victim status and do what best for her, but using a child as excuse.

She is saying the money and work is too much for her, so it will best for the child to go back to its real mother. Hummmm? Is that what is best for the child, or for her? If it was all about the what's best for the child then, then it still needs to be about what's best for the child now.

But she took this on alone, and she should of known better.

[kylee2437]

@DaveJord clearly if she hasn’t given the children back to the mother it’s because their current situation is better than being with the mother. I’ve seen situations like this and it’s usually because the mother is some kind of drug addict and no child belongs around that. This woman right here does deserve a standing ovation for taking kids out of a situation like that regardless of how you feel.

[DaveJord]

Sounds to me she made a series of bad choices, sure with good intentions... but maybe she should have thought through that better. All of this is a result of her choices... nobody else to blame.

[kylee2437]

@DaveJord the mother is full on to blame and I don’t like that you are putting blame on a person that had good intentions. Ridiculous

[DaveJord]

@kylee2437 Well thanks for telling me what you don't like.

[kylee2437]

@DaveJord you’re welcome especially because the court system would disagree with your thinking

[DaveJord]

@kylee2437 Not if she has custody of the child, she went to court and made an argument in court that her getting custody of the child was in the best interest of the child. She has no legal standing to make the mother to take custody back, all she can do is put it the child in foster care.

[kylee2437]

@DaveJord if the mother is unfit, and she can prove that she has been a guardian to these kids, then she would be up to be able to take full custody

[DaveJord]

@kylee2437 Whatever I am done. I do not think you really understand.

[kylee2437]

@DaveJord I understand it’s and weird to put blame on someone that has a heart to want to do better for kids, just isn’t in the right direction for that.

[DaveJord]

@kylee2437 Her response was all about how it affected her, and had nothing to do with the child... which is what it is supposed to be all about.

[kylee2437]

@DaveJord her response has to do with her current lifestyle going against what she essentially wanted for the kid.

[kylee2437]

And it’s money involved, it has nothing to do with her wanting to go out and party.

[DaveJord]

@kylee2437 What that is the assumption you are making, sounds to me like she wants out of the situation altogether.

[kylee2437]

Well no shit Dave. She didn’t essentially sign up to be this kids full time mother, however I don’t think she has ill intent.

[DaveJord]

@kylee2437 I did not say she had ill intent, but she might want to remind herself what it is all really about, and that the child. If honestly believes the child would be better off somewhere else, then she needs to do that.

But she needs to love and cherish this child, that is the best thing she can do for this child. She made that choice years ago out of the kindliness of her own heart, so she needs to honor that.

[kylee2437]

@DaveJord she is working two jobs so she can afford to love this child. Take into consideration, this is what a lot of single parents go through. The lack of heart and empathy within your answer is odd.

[DaveJord]

@kylee2437 I have dated to many single women with kids... so I guess my perspective the subject is too intimate to me.

You know what most men who are single with kids do?

They look for a woman, because men know children need a mother, and this what is best and right for their children. I do find it ironic that you have a single mother going after another single mother.

[kylee2437]

@DaveJord yeah it’s easier for men to go to women than it is for women to go to men. You have no clue what kind of man you are involving yourself with in this day and age. Many men do not want the responsibility of being a father to another persons child.

[kylee2437]

And from the sounds of it, the original mother is an addict of some sort. I know someone else in this exact situation and the responsibility and blame never falls on the original mother that neglected her kids

[DaveJord]

@kylee2437 But that is not what this post was about... she took this child on because it is in the best interest of the child. And it probably still is.

[Asker]

I’ve had this conversation with different people and of course, I’ve heard both arguments. Which im not disagreeing with either side. However, my decision to take on the child was never supposed to be permanent. At the time I offered to help, I was able to do so temporarily which I voiced. The mother became homeless after living with her aunt and I seen the struggle she had going house to house with her child. The custody came about because it became difficult not having something in place to properly care for the child. I never agreed to be a permanent mom. The mother works and has a house. She’s just become comfortable with being childless.

[Asker]

I’m not asking for an ovation. I actually feel bad because I feel like I’m giving up on the child. However, I’m stressed from adding more responsibilities to myself when I initially did this to help someone that was in a moment of crisis. The mom is in a better place, yet she’s comfortable not being a parent.

[DaveJord]

Then if you love the child, you do what's best for the child. Obviously, the mother is not. But you should have never gotten involved, but too late now, right?

Foster care is the best you can do or get a Lawery and see what legal actions you can take.

I mean, it's easy to be outraged at the real mother... but you made all these choices along the way and you knew it involved a child and you have to take responsibility for that. You have nobody else to blame.

[DaveJord]

No this kid feels abandoned by its mother, and living with woman that doesn't want it. It's terrible situation. No there is no way you come out the good guy in this situation to me.

[DaveJord]

Get social assistance... you should have to work two jobs.

[Asker]

The child doesn’t feel abandoned. Because when he sees his mother, he gets loved. And he doesn’t know how I feel and will probably never know. My guilt doesn’t come from trying to send him back to his mother- my guilt comes from taking on the responsibility of a child that, other than financially, I can not give him a motherly bond because I’m never home to even give that to him now. In that aspect, he needs to be with his mom. Other than her not wanting the responsibility- she has nothing holding her back from being a mom. And I on the other hand have gotten her comfortable with not having that responsibility. I did everything to make things easier for her to get on her feet- and instead, I made things easier for her to not want to be a mom. I may be a bad person for taking in a child and then changing my mind, but at the end of the day I don’t have kids and I shouldn’t have to take in that responsibility continuously because the mom is comfortable. And again- yes I offered to help but that doesn’t give someone the right to take advantage of that help. Call me selfish, I’m fine with that. But I’m working all day to provide for a child who has able working parents who are having fun and can take care of their child. They’re just in enjoying the life not having to. Live and learn. And this was a learning lesson to me.

[msc545]

I think you either need to give up the child altogether, or ask for full custody. This is a bad situation and if his mother cannot care for him someone needs to.