Struggling to deal with someone changing?

[Anonymous]

When I was a kid, maybe about 12 or 13, whenever my mom and (at the time) step dad would go out in the car I’d sit in the back seat and he would be driving and randomly reach behind to me and dig his fingers into my knees and laugh. I shrugged it off as him to being playing in a rough way bc he was like that but the more I look back at his other behaviours it makes me think. He wasn’t gentle when he did it, he’d really dig is fingers quite hard bc he know it would get a reaction from me. When he first met my mom he was great, treated me like his own kid (he had his own kids as well) and he spent a lot of time at our house. But then he would start promising me things and never follow through with them, he started to drink quite a lot, he and my mom had a baby when I was 15 and when my mom was busy and asked him for help with the baby he would just pass the baby to me and drink instead. I remember one time when my brother was a newborn my mom asked my step dad to feed him his bottle so she could get his clothes and crib ready for bed…he fed him for about a minute before handing him to me and telling me to feed him so he could sit in the kitchen with his vape and alcohol. He eventually left us all together and never visited my brother after the age of 2. I just feel confused and hurt because when he first came into my life he was like a true dad to me and I loved him, things were great, he was engaged to my mom and then he just changed.

[rosemilk]

yeah, these things happen because he was trying to impress your mom. and then eventually he showed who he really was, i think an alcoholic in this case. so he didn't really change, he's just showing who he was behind the mask of being nice. i don't think this guy is in your life anymore since you said he left, but i do think you all are better off without him. who knows how much worse things would have gotten

[bededazzle]

It's the booze. It poisons life. It sounds really painful. Would you say he is an alcoholic? In my experience, alcoholics have to make a decision for themselves to get better. How do you deal with it? Start with acceptance. Accept that things have changed and that it hurts. Consider talking with him and saying how you feel. It's hard to see someone you love destroy himself.

[Asker]

I’d guess he’s at the point that now is he. He wasn’t before, he’d just have a drink or two with my mom on special occasions but then something changed and it got to the point that the police were phoning my mom because he’d go missing and end up asleep on a park bench. It’s been a few years now and he walked out on us, he tried coming back but he made threats to beat my grandparents so my mom cut him out completely which I don’t blame her for. It’s just seeing him go from this amazing guy to someone who scared me still really messes with me sometimes.

[bededazzle]

it's a hard thing to see. i'm sorry. when it comes to addiction though, it's really hard to get people to fix it. there is hope, but right now, it sounds tough. if it really gets you down, maybe talk to a therapist. he has to make his decisions though. you have to take care of your own emotional health. you could look into al-anon. a support group for friends and family of alcoholics. i bet that could be helpful.

[Asker]

Thank you. I haven’t heard of that one before, I think I will have a look into it. Thank you so much for the suggestion.

[bededazzle]

hang in there. there is hope

[Asker]

Thank you, I appreciate.

[ThrillSeeker01]

Sounds like he was an alcoholic. That can have a bad effect, I'm really sorry.