Is it wrong to feel offended over not being invited to something that your friends did without you?

[Still-alive]

Like it just makes me feel either forgotten about or maybe even worse that they did think of me but didn’t want to hang out with me. Makes me question the friendship a little.

Its not wrong. You’re allowed to feel how you feel

Not wrong but its not a big deal honestly

It is wrong and you should just get over it

Maybe its not what you think it is and you might be jumping to conclusions. You should talk with them about it to find out more.

[HawkPerception]

This is why I always invite all the main people in my life to whatever event I'm planning on hosting... because it's always nice to at least get an invitation and feel included.

There is nothing wrong with being offended and if anything I do see it that when you're not invited to something, you're not seen by the person as worth inviting or you're not part of their main crew.

[goaded]

It's not wrong, but you should mention it. If you're afraid they'll dump you as a friend for saying what you feel, they're probably not your friends.

[GuyAnswersGirls123]

From a Stoic ideal, it's actually wrong to get upset or offended about anything. We're supposed to be cheerful even when we're being roasted alive in the bull of Phalaris:

It's an ideal though to strive towards rather than reach so I find it very understandable and relatable to get upset over it. However, I think it's worth trying to find a way to reframe the thinking so that you aren't if only for your own self-benefit.

Also perhaps they didn't think you were interested or some other reason. I don't know. It always helps to gather more data when in doubt.

[GuyAnswersGirls123]

I'm a big fan of Stoicism but I think because I needed it more than most people. When I get upset by anything, I don't just tend to get a little bit. I go berserk and lose my sense of self-control. 😅

So I especially need to resist negative thoughts whenever I can even though I don't always succeed. It has really improved my life though the more I get the hang of it, even though I'm a lifelong WIP.

One thing though is that the Stoic isn't complicit. If something is wrong, we can speak out about it, but we try to do it from at least a calm if not a cheerful place.

[Still-alive]

Well being in control of your emotions is definitely important i can agree there but we are still human beings, we feel things, we aren’t perfect. In fact id even argue that it’s important not to cut off your emotions entirely otherwise we could easily fall into sociopathy. That wouldn’t be good for civilization in my opinion.

Anyways I intend to find out more about why they didn’t extend the invite my way. My best guess is they just forgot about me.

[GuyAnswersGirls123]

That's a difference in my opinion because stoic (vernacular) and the original Stoic philosophy from the ancient Greeks and Romans. The original idea is a being who has a strong sense of both inner peace and joy: a cheerful type of person, joyful, perhaps even humorous. Similar with Zen Buddhists; they focus on thinking happy thoughts and overcoming their unhappy ones.

Have you seen Karate Kid? I think Mr. Miyagi represents a Stoic in the original sense as someone very warm, cheerful, good-natured:

[GuyAnswersGirls123]

Or TNG crew as another example like Picard, Beverly Crusher, Riker, etc. All of these characters fall short of the Stoic ideal (sage) but they tend to be very positive and productive thinkers, difficult to upset albeit not impossible, and difficult to upset for long periods.

It's a pet peeve of mine that the vernacular "stoic" conjures up someone unfeeling or repressive of their emotions. I think that's a very unhealthy image that works towards sociopathy as you pointed out. To me the Stoic is someone very cheerful, warm, rare to upset not because they're unfeeling but because they cultivate the most positive and productive thought patterns.

[mstbooblover]

Having particular feelings is not often bound to something logic. A feeling is always genuine, whatever their origin, be it something serious, silly, odd, or just not logical. If you feel offended because you were not invited, just face that feeling, and ask yourself why you should be offended. The best is to accept even some good friends may prefer doing something with other people than you. A matter of trust and humility.

What you describe happened sometimes to me, as to most people, and I learned to just accept the situation. Had I reacted and asked for explanations, I would probably have lost good friends... On the other hand, there is no harm to make those friends understand I would have loved to participate. Up to them to decide according circumstances I'm maybe not aware of.

[normalice]

It's possible they assumed you wouldn't have wanted to go and didn't want you to feel obliged to say yes. But apart from that possibility it sounds like either it was really impromptu and you just weren't there at the moment or it was a legit snuff. Likely the former.

[PeachyPie93]

Yeah I used to feel offended a little. But then I started getting invited to parties and realized it was nothing special. I think it is worse when your friends hangout together going out and don't invite you because that is like they seriously don't want to hangout lol.

[IslaTheWitch]

lmao

my friends have their lives, we don't spend 24/7 together, it's natural I have no idea what tgey do most of the time. We share, of course, but we are separate people and treasure our privacy.

[Still-alive]

I get that they have their lives and are busy often but on the rare occasion they do have a get together with friends id at least like to know i was considered. I admit that maybe got some insecurities over this but all im asking is maybe at least once or twice a year we do something fun.

[IslaTheWitch]

I don't see myself as the most important person in their lives. I think it's healthy when some activities are done separately, and I don't require it to be always considered. Those are their lives and their decisions

[Still-alive]

Im not talking about being the ‘most’ important but still somewhat important if we are truly friends. If we are just acquaintances i dont care much but ‘friends’ i do.

Im also not talking about hanging out every week or even every month but at least once a year. And thats also not to say that I myself may be busy when they put something on with friends but i just like to know they considered having me over and invited me even if i have to decline for other obligations. Like i was a thought in their brain when they decided to throw a party or something in that one day in the year.

[IslaTheWitch]

so there is a difference between us. Because I don't see myself as most important I don't require being considered every time they plan something... I expect freedom in making my decisions and give freedom.

[Still-alive]

Again I didn’t say ‘most’ important or ‘every’ time just once in awhile. But if we are friend friends then i do think i have ‘some’ importance. Otherwise yeah i would just think of us as acquaintances. I also don’t think hanging out once a year is too much to ask for either. I definitely would extend an invitation to a ‘friend’ every time i throw a party or something which i have done

Acquaintances are people i know but hardly ever hang out much at all even years apart. Friends I consider people i know a bit more intimately and we hang out with a little more regularity.

In fact i just recently hung out with a friend of mine last Wednesday to watch the new x-men 97 show. It was literally the only time we hung out since last July. And i was absolutely fine with that. So yeah just once a year and im ok calling that person my friend.

So if you’re saying even just asking to be considered to hangout at least once a year is asking too much then yeah we have a disagreement there which is fine. I don’t expect everyone to agree with me.

[IslaTheWitch]

I didn't say it's too much I said I give myself and others freedom of making decisions. I meet most of my friends at least once per 2-3 months. Sometimes I'm the person who initiates it sometimes them... some live too far away for frequent personal meetings, but we always talk online.
Even being autistic I know it's not only on them. So I take my part in organizing stuff and inviting then. I can accommodate comfortably up to 15 people in my place. And I do it sometimes, as my home is somehow in the central point and most people can come here... but not all my friends have such option, so they invite people in packs, what means I'm not considered in most of the events. And I understand that

[Still-alive]

Well yeah if they’re too far away like out of state im very understanding about that.

[Sharkstealth]

It amazed me at how many aquaintenances were lost when I bought my house. In youth we just meet everybody and think it actually has value but as you age you understand the meaning of trust. The term misery loves company is very real and some only befriend others because they feel superiority over another. When that feeling of superiority goes away so do they. You don't really want a bunch of people knowing your business anyways because you could lose things that you worked hard for.

[iFarted]

It depends on what they did and the dynamic.

My best friends go to Friday night dinners without asking me all the time because they know as time went by I started to drink less and less. They also know that I won't feel bad if they don't ask.

[mandyfire98]

It's not wrong for you to feel that way. It doesn't necessarily mean they did it on purpose but you are allowed to feel how you feel and it seems pretty normal to feel that way.

[Paris13]

For some Reason, Farewell No Friends to the Ends. Move on From Them. You do Not Fit In Now. xxoo

[Jay-_-]

Personally I think it's messed up they didn't invite you, if they genuinely forgot to invite you then there is nothing wrong but if they purposely thought to themselves "I'm not gonna invite this person" then they aren't your friend.

[menina]

It's not wrong, I would feel offended too. It would make me question our friendship.

[sheikalana]

You're allowed to feel how you feel but don't make a big fuss about it. Your friends might have their own reasons not to invite you.

[GoodGuyBreakingBad]

If someone was invited to a party, I would not be upset because they did not invite me.

[annabananna]

It’s normal. I’ve felt that way before. I’d recommend to try and not ruminate on it too much though. It happens to the best of us.

[LiamJHayden]

Nothing wrong with feeling offended for being disregarded. Real friends would ask unless they knew you were not interested.

[NewgodOmega]

I would not give a damn about that
That's one less place to get bored in

[Pohjolan]

Its contextual like is this a activity they might think you don't want to do or are you known for wanting to do said activity?

[Slim57]

Nah I get that way all the time to find out later it's just short notice most of the time and my friends know I'm not made of money to just go out and do things

[AmxlPX201]

I would definitely get offended.

But there are chances that they send an invitation and didn't reach us,

Or didn't invite (misthinking that they already invited)

[msc545]

It is a serious insult; take it seriously as these people are not your friends.

[Wiredone]

It's ok to feel upset