We didn't plan on an affair, it just happened.

[Anonymous]

I've been seeing this man 2 1/2 years now . We're both married to other people have been for a long time . We didn't plan on an affair it just happened. We didn't plan on the relationship becoming serious and falling in love with each other. We both want to leave our spouses and be together. He told me 2 weeks ago he loved me and anticipates starting a new life with me within the next 4 years but he has his doubts.

.This week he tells me when he goes to church he asks god what to do about me ? When I ask him what he means by this he says he can't explain it.

if he knows he loves me and he wants to start a new life with me then why does he doubt and why does he ask god what to do about me ? I am so confused . I feel like I'm being sent mixed signals. I love him dearly .

Updates

+1 y

i was really looking for advice from the males point of view what it means when a man asks god what to do about a woman he is in a relationship with. so lets say he's religious. whether he is or not evidently he has found a need to ask for help from god

[paragiveadamn]

Is he a religious man. 2 1/2 years might seem long for tax purposes but for truly getting to know someone time doesn't necessarily mean a damn thing. Two people going behind their spouses backs tend to be crafty and talented in secrecy to a fault. It may have been 2+ years with your affair but just as you two hide secrets from your spouses does not mean he's not hiding secrets from you as well. Both of you are lead by feelings. Selfish pursuits to fulfill your individual and carnal desires. That's all it is. You two may be in love but don't love each other. You're going after each other for your own reasons, which I'm sorry to say but any psych book written in the last hundred years will boil it down to one thing, sex. Sex and all the indirect initiators of passion that we all get in the beginning for someone. The fact it's lasted two years is secrecy and prohibition your marriages have on one another. To say you two won't cheat on each other down the road is exponentially more ludicrous than thinking it would happen when you first read your vows. I'm not pointing any fingers, I'm not trying to make you feel bad and I'm definitely not the defining line on whether you truly love the guy or not. Marriage is tough, especially nowadays. I strongly believe some people aren't meant to marry until they handle and adjust their own lives first. My most important advice to you is to tread lightly with this man and use discretion in believing his words. The amount of effort and emotional exhaustion working alongside a marriage and having an affair (even if your spouses require no effort at all, the guilt trip has got to create a good amount of needless stress, if not, maybe therapy is best for you and not a forum)and the fluctuations in between would mean this guy has absolutely no clue as to the future he'll have with you. And pulling out a number like 4 years came from no other place than his own ass. This isn't the only site I've seen this same situation as I'm sure many others haven't either. But several months down the road from these "points of inflection" and stalling that one or the other has, just means that there's another, if not several other affairs going on or at least potential options available. The fact alone that you'd question him consulting God is pretty big. Maybe this whole time he was religious and you didn't know? You "feel like you've been getting mixed signals"? Kind of like the ease that your spouses have been fooled for 2 1/2 yrs? Know this rule and common statistic, marital affairs (specifically when both people know each other is married) may have the faithful spouse fooled but one of the cheating spouses is always more naive than the other cheater (sadly and usually the woman; the cheating man just wants another lay while the woman wants to escape the thralls and dullness of their current marriage in hopes that this affair is the "true partnership" in "holy matrimony").

[paragiveadamn]

You're both characters and victims of your own desires. From my perspective, you both have ideological pursuits based off of Narcissistic personalities. It's tough to break and all that can be done is one of you has to come to terms with yourself and be 100% honest. Don't sugar coat your reality and don't suppress anything from the past, you have to accept it and learn from it. Suppression comes from our parents, it's not your fault and it's not theirs, but it does lead to affairs.

[noname1218]

Affairs happen for many reasons. Usually, there is something lacking in the current relationship. Its not just about sex in many cases. There is another kind of connection - thus the term "Emotional Affair". You have to go back & look at your own marriage & figure out why you were seeking love from someone else. Then, decide if it can be resolved. If not, its best to move on. I know that's easier said than done. Its true that very few affairs work out long term- I think its 3%. Good Luck

[AlanHB]

Ok well if god were to express an opinion, he'd most likely hit him with a bolt of lightning. "You shall not commit adultery" is one of the ten commandments, the most basic rules for following god.

So that's great you've both got involved with eachother, getting ready to cause immense damage to eachothers spouses without talking to them, or at least considering divorce first. You have to wonder if you guys would actually work together if it were in a situation where you both weren't attached. Maybe you should find out, and end your respective marriages.

But what's this I see? Anticipate a new life with you in the next 4 YEARS. Wow, don't move too fast there buddy. Is there something special about the number 4 here? Probably not. Is it that he's not convinced it would work out with you? Probably yes.

But I'd say do the right thing first. Dump your partners. They are wasting their time with both of you, and deserve to have their freedom.

[Anonymous]

You are both EXTREMELY in the wrong. First off... saying you didn't plan an affair is total crap. As soon as it happened, you should told your husband. You are controlling your husbands life without him knowing and making decisions for him that you have no right to make. Not to mention completely lacking in any caring about his health whatsoever, as you have no clue how many other people this "boy" you are in an affair with might be sleeping with.

Anyhow... now that I have that off my chest... the guy sounds like he's playing you just as he is playing his wife (and your husband too). Saying he's asking God what to do is a load of crap because if he really cared what God thought, he probably wouldn't have cheated on his wife in the first place. He's just using God to pull away from committing to leaving his wife. If I were you - I would break it off with him, tell your husband AND apologize to and tell his wife what's been going on. Then... you should probably ask God what to do with yourself. I know that sounds harsh... but you have wrecked 2 innocent peoples lives, and that really sucks. I hope you do the right thing, no matter how hard it may be.

[paragiveadamn]

I agree. To use God as a premise in this situation is beyond childish. It's a generalized and premature instrument of pervasive language to "repel" you. This is common. Admitting to you he's the "bad guy" "it's not you, it's me", it's just planting seeds for you to want him more later on, that is, if you believed in his theological devotion. He's an avoidant type, weak in character, as are his foundations of argument, a sociopath and a lackluster con-artist. You're getting played, period.

[cherrybonbon]

Oh hun you sound so confused right now.. I want you to rethink what you just wrote.. a religious man is asking God what to do about an affair he is having? this is one of those WWJD? its obvious what he's asking God for which is forgiveness for cheating on his wife, and asking God to forgive him for his feelings that he has for you.

I'm going to give you some advice my mom has always given me, she said Hun stay away from Married men because they don't leave their wives.. and if they by chance they do the same end will come to you.

Its obvious that both of you are having issues in your marriages and you have turned to each others shoulder to cry on.. and attraction and feeling came into the mix.

You need to stop seeing this man and work on yourself and on your marriage.. if the marriage doesn't work then you can divorce .. the same as him.. You never start a new relationship when your married.. it just doesn't work out especially if their are children involved..

[newpeace]

No one ever plans an affair. He is feeling guilty and facing the reality of the wrong he is doing. He is seeking God, and he should. He is giving you signs that he has doubts about your relationship. You will be dumped, eventually. I suggest that you also seek God, stop this stupidity, and turn your life around. It is going to end badly anyway.

[DanielSan]

Well ...since God commanded "thou shalt not commit adultery I highly doubt any "advice" he gets from god will be favourable to you. If this hypocrite can honestly say he believes in god and following God he wouldn't be having an affair.Second...if he gets any counsel from God to break off his marriage for you he is lying since God would never counsel someone to break His own commandment...

In my opinion...I wouldn't leave my husband for this guy...he doesn't sound stable and emotional able...srry for the rhyme but looked if it was real honest love he had he wouldn't think or worry about his wife...he obviously doesn't want to totally commit to you for fear of not working and being left with nothing.

To be honest tho couples like you ...make me so not believe in marriage anymore...I mean what's the point...my girl will prob just sleep around...everyone is just a slut these days

[Asker]

Daniel it's not like that we are both matrure adluts and neither one of us planned to have an affair. it was always something I was dead against. it does not mean that every person and every relationship will end up in one of the parties cheating . I was a very loyal and faithful wife for 18 years before I met this man . I did everything I was supposed to and that was right in my marriage. went above and beyond my call of duties as a wife. only to be very unapreciated I can not speak for him.

[DanielSan]

Um that's great? did I say you or he did anything wrong in your current relationships? or that you were wrong to have an affair? NO ...I just said he can't honestly ask god for advise when god said not to do what he is doing....and I also just find the commitment of marriage almost to much to expect in todays world anymore...I hear of more breakups than success so yeah...I just not get married.

[noname1218]

Just because someone cheats, does not mean they don't believe in God. We ALL sin--does that mean none of believe in God? No. In fact...that is exactly the point. We need God because we do sin. Of course this guy can still ask God for guidance. God is there for all of us because the reality is that we all sin.

To the question asker - I've been in your shoes although mine was an emotional affair & we never had sex. I was married 23 years before the affair.

[DanielSan]

@noname you miss the point please read questions and answers fully.

I think it quite ironic he seeks guidence on whether to leave his marriage for another woman when the bible states this is illegal...I am just saying should he "feel" that guidance from his god we can all know he is a lair since god would not give a comandment and then direct someone to break it.

[band_caffeine]

I just want 2let you know Daniel, I was married for 5 years - treated like total crap & hurting like hell inside - but I NEVER not even once strayed or did anything behind my husband's back. I wld never cheat on my man no matter what. I'm a firm believer in not making decisions 4someone else - especially choosing 4someone 2b w-a cheater. I would always end a relationship before starting a new one - I don't even get 2know other guys enough to know I would want to be with them when I'm already taken.

[band_caffeine]

... I won't put myself in a situation for another guy to like me either. Like going to lunch with male coworkers and taking breaks with them or giving them my email or anything like that is out of the question. I won't even hang out with my straight guy friends I've known for years alone just in case they up and decide they like me...& my man ALWAYS knows who I'm with. Just how I am & expect the same in return. You just have 2find someone w-good morals. Hope this shows not all girls are sluts :)

[DanielSan]

Well that is very awesome of you and I am impressed. You seem to actually care about your man.

[RebeccaRoxx]

Sorry to break your heart but I went down this very same road... Oh the promises and little words of love..They were all heartfelt and true at that moment.. But when it came down to it, he did not leave his wife.. nor did he do anything to look as if he would. I know he wasn't happy because he was spending his time with me...But I guess it wasn't all that bad on the home front or he would have left.. Someone once told me that affairs were very dangerous and it is usually the woman who gets hurt..It is true. I have not met a person yet who will disagree. My advise: if you are not happy in your marriage, get out.. Start out a new life and meet someone with no other commitments but you.. They might be hard to find but they are out there...Hang in there..

[paragiveadamn]

I agree. You gotta divorce, be single for awhile and build yourself and come to terms with yourself before seeking any relationship. If not, it doesn't matter how great the next guy is, there's nothing in your history that says you won't have an affair with him too.

[katiesmuff]

It doesn't just happen that your legs spread open to let another man into your vagina where only your husband is supposed to be! You made it happen! As far as the leaving your spouses "whats the hold up"? Just call a lawyer and it is over in about 30 to 60 days. Should do it regardless whether he does it or not! Then it totally becomes his move.

[Longshot]

You should look up the percentage of affairs that actually end up working out happily.

link

There are probably better sites than the one above.

[paragiveadamn]

Umm...I know you said there's better sites than the link above, for one it's selling something so of course it's manipulated many of the numbers. https://www.infidelity-etc.com/index.php/4 <--- It's a site that's more understanding of your situation. But you can do all the research of statistics and with Longshot's (befitting name to the case at hand) evocation, you'll find the majority of affairs don't go passed sexual excursions and the percentage showing the opposite, if there is one? LOOWW

[Anonymous]

I don't really have anything to say bout this, but out of nowhere the song everybodys looking for love came on on my radio.

I take that back, I do, you both should have ended it with your respected spouses before the affair. you should do that now. regardless of what happens with this guy you've been having an affair with. Your husband doesn't deserve this, and you should end it. so you can move on

[Anonymous]

How dare you.

How dare you cheat on your husband and help another man to cheat on his spouse.

If you met him and wanted to be with him, then by god that's fine; just divorce your husband and it would've been fine.

Now to your question.

He may love you, but he seems to be rethinking the promise that he made to his wife. Think about that for yourself.

[mz4568]

It means he doesn't know what to do... he is hopeless, scared, confused and unsure of himself. If he really loved you and wanted to leave his wife, he would have already. Think about that for a minute.

[paragiveadamn]

I agree. He's not solid in his own character and just the same when it comes to decisions as big as these.

[Brianna987]

You need some time between relationships to re evaluate where you stand in terms of your goals, future plans, your own personal integrity etc. Don't jump from one to another. It's recipe for disaster.

[RebeccaRoxx]

Well he should realize God may not be so kind in his guidance..having an affair is a sin. I wish you both luck and I hope it works out in your favor. You have put much time into the relationship and a happy ending would be great... so guys enlighten us...what does it mean?

[martyfellow]

Sorry to say it means he hasn't got the courage to make his own decision. Probably means he'll never leave his wife for you.

[chiefnavarro]

wooow the grass is always greener. either way you need to split with your husband you obviouly don't respect him and he deserves to be with somebody that want to be with him.

[Anonymous]

you need to get out. he knows its wrong. and honestly, he'll probably never leave his wife.

[Anonymous]

he doesn't love you

from his action if you love him go any it is your choice