Why am I mean to guys I like?

[Anonymous]

For some reason, I'm mean to guys I like, and the more I like them the more harsh and sarcastic I am.

I'm nice to guys I'm not attracted to or guys that don't show me attention, but as soon as a guy starts showing interest in me and if I like him I'm be mean.

I have no clue why this happens. I can't help it, it just happens that way. Even when I try to be nice, it comes off as so harsh and/or sarcastic.

If I like him a lot what I want to do is be all affectionate and lovey-dovey and throw myself at his feet, but at the same time that makes me want to vomit and I can't bring myself to be like that.

What's the deal with all of these conflicting feelings? Even if the guy is into that type of fiestyness and the hard to get types, I'll be even more severe, and eventually he get tired of trying.

I don't really know what kind of advice you can give me because honestly I don't want to be fervent yet I don't want to be cold and stoic either.

My personality type is INTJ...I don't know if that has anything to do with it. (This probably shoud have went in the behavior section, but I figured it would get more views in flirting).

[shabudah]

i too am guilty of the same thing. when I was younger, less wise, and simply figuring my self out, I always had males knocking at my door, and even some females for that matter. I would be mean to guys who liked me in order to push them away because I didn't want a close or intimate relationship with them, or I didn't want them to think I liked them. I equated me liking them as a sign of my weakness. Lord knows I didn't want to feel weak entering any relationship. I want the upper hand because it mean control. I was also mean because some guys fed off it-like some kind of weird aphrodisiac. the more I said no, they more they said yes. lastly, my mom is a pushover and my dad pushes all the time. I did not want my relationship to mimic that of my parents. I thought mean = a guy will respect me more. OF COURSE, there were consequences --guys became frustrated or hurt. or, I missed out on meeting some one who could have been great for me.

At 30+, I am less mean, but old habits die hard. I still don't tolerate nonsense from guys.

.

[Asker]

I think a lot of what you said is true in my case as well. It's too late though. I've pushed pretty much all of the guys that were interested in me away since I've posted this question.

[shabudah]

They made finding the right, mature guy easier to find you! No worries.

[Anonymous]

I think that your 'meanness" is a defense mechanism that you have. Like you're afraid to get hurt (or get played) so you put guys through tests to see if they care, but then you just end up pushing them away. Being a little distant when you first meet someone I think is okay. You are still feeling them out and you don't know if they are playing or not. But once the guy starts trying and you realize you like them then you need to put down your wall. You need to realize that when guys are affectionate they are putting themselves out there and showing you a side of them that not everyone sees. Guys can be fragile too and you need to encourage, not discourage, them opening up and being nice to you. Guys like to please girls, if they think that they are making you happy they will continue to do so. If they try to make you happy and all you do is brush them off then they will start to realize that they can do nothing to please you and stop trying.

[Asker]

Yeah, imo guys are guilty until proven innocent

[gotc147]

That could be another reason guys don't stay with you.

[collegekid88]

That's EXACTLY what I do!

[Allegory]

I think it's been said a lot but worth repeating from a guy. I run into this every now and then and can say that 2 months is the most I will put up with it to see if it lifts, after that I am gone and I am more patient then most guys I know.

I get that you feel you can't guard yourself in a small manner and that it's a all or nothing gig but most guys especially nice guys will walk. Honestly this only gets the guys that want to dominate a girl to stick around. It's kind of self fulfilling acts.

[jessica849]

Honey there is nothing wrong with you. It's human nature, think playground interactions back in elementary school when the boys would tease the girls they like, and sometime vice-versa. The truth is you're doing the RIGHT thing and guys are ATTRACTED to confidence, girls that can stand on their own, and those who don't need them and keep them on their feet (in a cute way...I mean, don't tell them they're ugly or anything). I suggest reading the book "Why Men Love B-tches" - the word b*tch is not meant is a negative manner, rather it's just a woman who stands her own. You are doing the RIGHT thing, and will soon find that the guys that you don't pay enough attention to will be running after you because they can't resist the chase, esp for a quality girl who respects herself. Please read the book. You're doing the right thing, the girls who fall at guys feet are usually tossed aside almost immediately. Go girl!

[gotc147]

Again, there is a difference between confidence and being an ass which a lot of girls don't seem to understand.

[Asker]

Yeah, but at first they'll be totally into me and like the chase or whatever, then eventually they'll get tired of it and back off. Were they not worth it in the first place or am I going too far?

[jessica849]

Read the book :)

[cheerangelcharity]

I like your answer; I was also thinking about that book! I think that she - and girls in general - should sometimes be nice [that book even says that a "bitch" can be nice] but other times be teasing and not do everything that the guys want her to do.

[tex151]

Yeah guys are not attracted to bitches that why we they go that girl is such a bitch I wanna slap her in the face, maybe it's just me I don't know I can't stand bitches I won't put up with their crap and I'll tell them how it is.

[gotc147]

Stop playing hard to get, get together with a guy and stop making him chase you, most guys do not like chasing girls despite what you keep hearing.

Don't give it all up to him right up front, but a little truth here, a little truth there, if you just keep cutting a cold turkey obviously guys are going to give up on you and move onto a girl who will acctually return their feelings.

[cheerangelcharity]

By "bitch" we [and the book] aren't referring to being super mean, controlling, snobby, etc. but instead not doing everything that guys ask us to do just to keep him. That book emphasizes trying to be more like a friend than a mother to guys. And most likely if we girls go after guys [unless maybe they're guys like you] the guys will just run away from us! [figuratively of course, usually] Guys generally don't like to be chased; girls most likely do.

[jessica849]

Agreed with cheer. curious, have any guys read this book? I'd LOVE to hear what you have to say in response to it, I should post a question actually.

[gotc147]

Guys don't want girls to be their mother (we already have one of those), we want a girl to be like our friend but you seem to have a twisted idea of what friends do.

If a friend NEEDS something, being a friend you should do it for them. If they WANT something, it depends on what it is they want, if it's not unreasonable then do it and we'd do the same for you, if you just don't do things for guys to "send a message" that you're not going to be taken advantage of, you're out of luck.

[cheerangelcharity]

I'm sometimes this way too! It's just a way of flirting and it's nothing to be ashamed of. I think that it's a lot better than being all lovey-dovey because guys want to be challenged and when you're not-so-nice to them in a flirty way they're going to try harder for you. Though keep in mind that there are some guys who can't take it when girls are even a little mean.

[Asker]

Thanks, but actually I've run away several guys that way. How far is too far?

[gotc147]

Wrong, there is a big difference between flirting and being mean to a guy. It's not that a gtuy can't take it it's that he gets the idea that she doesn't like him. And I see so many idiot girls (such as yourself) who keep saying guys like the challenge. I've seen your questions and answers and you just opened my eyes to why you posted them.

You want to flirt, flirt, don't insult.

[cheerangelcharity]

Don't get me wrong I'm actually one of the nicest people I know, but that's how I get taken advantage of a lot. I usually would do pretty much everything [but not go too far physically] that would please a guy that I even kinda like and they would just get tired of me or at least not make any effort to really please me. And I'm not talking about insulting the guys but instead teasing him a little.

[Asker]

Well, gotc147 we're not insulting guys (well I'm not at least), but we're not inflating their egos either.

You seem to be the only one doing the insulting.

[tex151]

You know guys who can't take it if your a little mean to them, those guys are pussies damn. Anyways if she's mean or sarcastic do the same to her, if a guy can't take that from a girl he needs to turn in his man card cause that's just sad.

[gotc147]

I never said you were insulting guys, and I'm not insultiing girls, I'm angry at the whole idea of this question.

Cheerangle, by your logic there is no difference between flirty teasing and insulting. You also say that you don't go too far physically and guys don't make an effort to please you. you ever think it might be becuase you're not pleasing them? I'm not saying jump into bed with the next guy you see but with most guys you're not going to get far without physical contact.

[gotc147]

As far as the ego thing goes, time, place, opportunity. Early stages of the relationship: Time: mostly alone, Place, anywhere you two are alone, opportunity, don't just randomly say "you suck in bed".

Later in the relationship after the two of you have established a lot of trust, then you can start doing it in front of people and being a bit more random about it.

You just meet him and you all of a sudden say "I can't stand beards" then he's going to get the idea that you're not interested.

[cheerangelcharity]

Well excuse me! over the past 3 months I've at least kissed 3 guys whom I barely knew but were showing affection towards me and were kinda cute. and what did I end up with? a broken heart [well and friendships with 2 of them at least but still] because apparently those guys weren't looking for anything serious with me but I was with them and so I tried everything to please them. that's why I'm not even going to kiss a guy until I'm in a relationship with him anymore.

[cheerangelcharity]

And the last comment that you wrote doesn't make much sense to me. what? a relationship automatically consists of sleeping with a guy? and I'm eventually supposed to do it in public? [sorry but I'm not like that at all and for good reasons.] but if a girl doesn't like something about a guy she should tell him! maybe in a joking manner; if all she does is try to please him then he's going to take advantage of her being around and/or take her for granted.

[cheerangelcharity]

Okay I first misunderstood your last comment but now I get that you're talking about teasing a guy. but, still, being some teasing and telling-it-like-it-is is good once in a while no matter the time or place.

[gotc147]

Not if you just met the guy and you're trying to get together with him.

As far as sex goes, unless all you're looking for is a boy who goes to chruch every sunday without fail and is always preaching about the Lord's work, then you're not going to get too far with guys. Sex is part of a relationship whether you like the idea or not. Judging by what you said you've probably got a reputation as a "cold fish" at your place(s) of buisness if you're kissing guys but nothing more.

[gotc147]

You sound like the kind of girl who would like me if you were to acctually get to know me. I'm very down to earth, I tell people the truth but I also respect others I don't let people screw around with me and unlike most other young guys when I get a girl I want to stay with her considering I (and her) stay happy with the relationship. I don't just dump her and move on once I get in her pants like most other guys.

[cheerangelcharity]

I don't mean at first; at first I'm just trying to get to know the guy and have the guy know some about me. And ideally I do want a Christian guy - not a preachy, conservative, always-goes-to-church one but one with at least the same beliefs as me, which includes being sexually pure. And, no, I don't have that kind of reputation since it isn't like so far guys tried to go farther than I would let them - except for 1 who has a manwhore reputation anyways. thanks for those false judgments.

[Asker]

I think that it's perfectly acceptable for a girl to hold off on sex. I hate the fact that guys have "trained" girls into thinking that sex is a requirement in a relationship. Even to the point where they give us a timeline & say that we're "telling them to go away" just because we don't want to have sex yet. If more girls held off on sex & not just give in to what the guy wants, then they would get the hint. Guys have brainwashed girls into thinking they're entitled to sex (not saying all guys)

[cheerangelcharity]

I agree! Though from going to Christian schools, church, etc. I know that there are a few guys who aren't into the whole "hooking up" or even sex-within-a-non-marital-relationship thing. But outside of them it does seem like guys expect to get "action" from girls even if they barely know them.

[gotc147]

Here's a surprise, I also agree. Most young guys are only interested in sex, there are however a select few young guys who will respect and wait until a girl is ready for sex. However, I'm not going to marry you until I know that we're sexually compaitible because thaty is a big part of being happy in a marrige.

It's not unheard of for relationships/marriges to end because one partner is not satisfied with the sex life, and here's the kicker: It's not always the man to break it off!

[AlekNovy]

Its normal. Its a self-defence mechanism. A lot of us do it.

Most guys do it. The more they like a girl, the more cold/weird/ they get around her. Its when you like someone so much, that all you can think about is not getting rejected, and it spills over into defensiveness from an imagined rejection.

[Anonymous]

Cause your a bitch duh, no I'm kidding but not really, umm but ya that's not the way to get a boyfriend though, if you want a boyfriend being harsh and a bitch is not the way to go. You probably need to find a guy who will make fun of you back and won't stand for that crap you pull.

[Asker]

Well...I wouldn't say I give them crap.

I don't know. I guess you could say I don't react to their "game" or sweet talk.

I'm just like "okay, so?" (I don't really say that's the overall attitude).

[gotc147]

Seems to me that you're just naturally a cruel person.

Usually I'm not so direct but this case seems to be pretty straight-forward. You say you don't know why you do it yet you don't make a conscious effort to fix it. Short and sweet, you're just not a nice person.

[Asker]

Well it's not like I'm bad mouthing them, calling them names, or hitting them or anything.

Sweet talk just doesn't work on me and I'm not clingy at all. My attitude is cold but I don't necessarily say cold things.

[gotc147]

Then define for me exactly what it is you're doing. Just not being a sweet talker isn't going to keep guys away from you.

Not being clingy at all, well, if you're with a guy, you should be able to go to him for a shoulder to cry on when you need it, that's why he's there.

I have a very cold attitude as well, you have to let down your barriers if you want to get someone.

[Asker]

I'm assuming you want some specifics.

If I don't think a guy's jokes are funny I'm not going to laugh.

I'm not all smiley and bubbly around guys.

If he's saying all these naughty things to me, he doesn't get the reaction he wants.

I'm not afraid to tell him he's wrong.

Victoria Beckham is a good example.

But, like cheerangelcharity, I'm a very nice person and I've been taking advantage of in the past (even in the present it happens).

[gotc147]

Then you're not giving him any reason to think you like him. You're not showing him any chemistry whatsoever. You don't have to laugh at all his jokes but if you don't smile around him he doesn't think you're happy to see him. If he's trying to flirt with you and you're not flirting back, he thinks you're telling him to go away.

You can tell him that he's wrong, just make sure he's wrong and expect him to do the same to you.

[arsenal25]

same problem! and I am trying to fix it but so hard. I am always looked at as a bitch, when really I act how you described but if you really know me I will do anything for a person to help them, and I am nice lol. I guess we are just going to work on how we act when we like guys, I feel so bad for them

[theused72588]

a counselor can help but the basic is that you are afraid of getting hurt so your pushing them away before then can get too close, the closer they try to get, the harder you push away

~please please please get help from this because I've pulled this crap without knowing it and lost someone and hate myself for it

*experience

[Anonymous]

I used to be like that but now I'm trying to change! That's funny you said that because my personality type is INTJ too. For me, I was hurt by a lot of guys in my past. They used to be really cruel to me because of my looks so now it's hard for me to react as a person that a guy actually likes, so a little part of me is still bitchy as a defense mechanism I guess.

[higurb]

You have a bad personality. I've run across a lot of girls that acted like you so don't worry and take comfort in knowing you aren't alone.

[Rahim517]

Ahhh... the INTJ Ice Queen. You answered your own question.

[crazyfreak987]

this is the human nature...u really don't care what you say to the person who is closer to you than others...

[rocksongwriter]

Sounds like a psychologist might be able to help.