Why do men keep turning me down?

[Anonymous]

I just don't know what I'm skin wrong. I am very attractive, intelligent, educated, self-employed, independent, kind hearted, and I'm even super funny! But why do I keep getting passed on by the men I'm interested in? In the last few months I've had 2 guys choose differen woman over me. I realize this happens often but I really thought I had a strong connection with these guys (I was not dating them at the same time). I felt side swiped when one of them told me he had decided to pursue another woman.

Is there something I'm doing wrong? Is this just a classic case of bad timing... twice in a row? Please give me some insight. Thanks!

Updates

+1 y

What I'm hearing is I should be dating more socially aggressive men... Men I can go head to head with?

[cth96190]

My suggestion would be to re-evaluate the type of man whom you find attractive.
It sounds to me as though you could do better.
You sound as though you are experiencing the female version of what happened to me until I reached age 30, when I simply gave up on the project. If you want to experience rejection and failure beyond your imagination, try being an clean-cut young man who has a good career when 99% of the girls want the 'bad boys'.
If you have not read it already, I would encourage you to read a book called The Instant Millionaire, by Mark Fisher. It is not about making money, per se. It is about how our subconscious level of self esteem leads us to make the choices that we do.
You might also improve your prospects by reading Dale Carnegie's book How to Win Friends and Influence People, as well as the small books People Smart and Skill With People, which are what Carnegie's book would have been if it had been written today and edited properly.

[Asker]

I suppose I do find myself attracted to "shy" men. To be honest I find it amusing when they are tongue-tied by my presence lol.. But why is it such a turn off for men when a woman is decisive and confident in what she wants? Especially when she's looking at "you".

[cth96190]

@Asker I find decisive and confident women highly attractive, but then I am a former army officer and a student of karate whose arse is kicked several times each week sparring with decisive and confident women. Women, on average, tend to be better at Shotokan karate than men because of their hips.
If I was to encounter you, I can assure you that I would be interested. Weak and wimpy women are of no interest to me. It is all about the breeding. Weak and wimpy women will produce weak and wimpy children.

[Asker]

If you are a man who would be attracted to a woman like myself, could you describe to me the kind of man that you are so I know who to look out for?

[cth96190]

@Asker if you met me you might run a mile. - lol
I come from a military family. My father was a psychotic naval petty officer, so you could say that I was in basic from birth to age 21 when I left home. I served in the Australian Army Reserve, with periods of full-time service here and there. I was selected for the officer course. When that was was not happening, I was a radio and television presenter and a newspaper journalist. So, I am creative and a communicator (total left-handed right-brain artistic creative).
My IQ was tested at age 16 and the shrink said that I was in the top 2% of the population. As a child I was abused physically, psychologically and sexually (the queer paedophile next door), as well as being bullied mercilessly at both primary and secondary school (the dullard kids hate the clever ones). Consequently, I have had few friends, nobody that could be described as a close fiend and had to study books to learn social skills.

[cth96190]

@Asker, you might not be surprised when I say that in terms of women I might be the most spectacularly unsuccessful male in the history of the species. I am the opposite of the bad boy, so until about age 30 I could not get a date, much less get laid.
I was made redundant in the media 2 1/2 years ago, so I went back to university to add another degree and a doctorate to my list of useless qualifications. The plan is to lecture in history and/or English , which I tutor at the moment.
In summary, I am an organised, pedantic detail-oriented perfectionist; who has an IQ in the genius range; a military way of looking at and organising things (you can tell that by the way that a man dresses); I am creative (professional writer); and I am a dedicated student of Shotokan karate. Karate is very important to the picture, because of the spiritual dimension that is part of north-east Asian martial arts. Naturally, I am biased in favour of karate as taught by the Japan Karate Association.

[cth96190]

@Asker if you want to meet men who will be attracted to a strong woman, become a student at a Japan Karate Association dojo. You will gain fitness, learn how to defend yourself and meet men who admire strong women.
In appearance I am fit (dojo training and gym several times each week); I dress well (I have a liking for designer clothes) but conservatively; and I have military bearing. A few times old soldiers who have met me and had no idea about my background have called me "sir". Apparently it shows. - lol
I hope that told you what you wanted to know. Rather than just give you a two-dimensional picture of what exists today, I thought it would be helpful to know from whence things came.
I should also mention that I am supremely logical in all things (I aspire to be a Vulcan - lol) and I look at things from a third-party point of view. Learning detachment was a necessary survival skill when I was a child. I operate on logic, not emotion.

[witzelsucht]

I've got all those qualities you list and just reading them intimidates me. It's a male thing, see, so I'm guessing the dudes you meet feel that they are reaching too high with you. This is not to be offensive, but maybe you could meet guys a little smarter, richer, or better looking who won't be put off by your good points.

Just recently though you've had two guys who felt they did not measure up (I'm guessing), so you obviously attract males. It's just a matter of time before you meet someone who knows a good woman when they see her. You have to put yourself in an environment where you will meet more guys who won't be easily intimidated.

SInce you are aware, I don't have to tell you the importance of social skills like body language, appropriate smiling and eye contact, positive reinforcement, and the art of light and inoffensive chitter chatter.

[Asker]

I'm can be pretty charming when I want to be but if they are intimidated, would that cause a man to just blow off an amazing woman without any regard to her feelings?

[witzelsucht]

Ah, so now I see you're 5'10" and all the guys responding here are on the same thread. Yes, a guy who feels he is not good enough for you would of course be intimidated and guard his self-esteem by exiting quickly. Look. You're in the top %, so you're not going to meet your equal Mr Right every day, and when he does come along he will recognize you and make all the moves without need for you to fret or perform. Meanwhile, it won't hurt to meet and date all the guys you want and learn a bit from each of them.

[Asker]

That's great advice. I feel like I've heard it before but the way you put it made it soak in a little deeper lol.

[Valentinasab]

You might be coming off as desperate e. g. texting too much or showing your interest too soon. Sometimes its better to be unclear or vague about your feelings towards a guy, until he shows more interest in you.

[Anonymous]

Nothing wrong with you and nothing wrong with them.. they just happened to like/want someone else more than they wanted you... doesn't mean there is a problem with you or with them.

[Mesonfielde]

I guess they just weren't attracted to you, or didn't think you were compatible, or didn't realize you were interested.

[why_not_anonymous]

> why is it such a turn off for men when a woman is decisive and confident in what she wants? Especially when she's looking at "you".

It's not (in fact it's damn intoxicating). At least for men who already know they're awesome.

[Asker]

And men who don't think they are awesome are the ones blowing me off?

[why_not_anonymous]

Possibly.

Perhaps you're dating really awesome dudes, who just have better opportunities? You can gauge this by having someone take an objective look at the women they dumped you for. Maybe the women they're going for are even prettier, more congenial, smarter, richer, whatever.

[Asker]

I've seen the women.. Lets just say, it's probably because these women had been in their lives longer than I have. They aren't anything you would typically look twice at. But even if I was "average" I still have a great personality. Do you think men are assuming Im dull and boring based on my looks?

[why_not_anonymous]

I can't comment on your looks... you're awfully pink. :)

Just saying, get someone who'll do some side-by-side picture comparisons with you and these other ladies. That'll let you know if it's just looks, or something else.

Familiarity is not something to sneer at. Guys can be interested in someone they've known longer. It's less work than learning about someone new, who may end up being not right for them - and then they have to start over...

Great personality is a bonus.

Maybe other chicks are better in bed?

Just saying, there are reasons - and not all of them are under your control.

But some dudes are intimidated by strong, confident women. If you're dating those dudes, then you're dating the wrong ones - because you are a strong confident woman. Date men who appreciate that.

[Anonymous]

I am having the same problem and not sure why. I approach women, I get their numbers, they show all the classic signs of being interested. I flirt and make it fun and exciting, but it's like things fizzle out. One night I walked into a bar and started chatting with these 2 girls, I asked for her number when we were leaving and she declined, "because you're attractive".

I ask girls out to fun things (not just try and get them drunk) like skating or museum going or something. It's tough...

[Asker]

Those sound like very good approaches.. honestly, younger women can be incredibly shallow. They think they want the bad boy that's sexually aggressive and a bit of a jerk and then do nothing but complain about him when they actually get into a relationship with one. Older women are the ones who are going to appreciate such genuine interest. Women who aren't immature and can appreciate a good man for what he is.

[Opinion Owner]

Yeah, I am not sure. Maybe I should be more aggressive? I mean, I touch her arm or her hand. I walk her home and kiss her on the lips goodnight. Women are confusing.

For you, where are you meeting guys? Some guys are a bit put off by strong, confident women. The last 2 girls I had serious relationships with were 5'10" and very strong personalities and confidence. But they always listened and followed what I said.

Some guys like the damsel in distress, where they can be "the man" and make the decisions.

[rUinSAYAN]

maybe they took you over a girl that is more 'worth' to them.
you take what you believe is what you should get, if a guy has low self esteem he will go for lower than he actually wants for example (no, not every guy with low self esteem does that but it's a pattern).

[dakraziest]

Maybe you wait too long, why not express yourself to the men you like and see if they are interested back

[Asker]

I'm not a very passive person. When I meet someone I like, I like to let them know Im into them. Maybe I'm too obvious?

[dakraziest]

Or maybe you are liking the wrong people. Have you tried hanging out with men who are out of your comfort zone. Maybe you are looking for a relationship with a class of men who wouldn't be interested in you

[Asker]

A "class"? What do you mean? What sort of man should be attracted to a woman like me?

[dakraziest]

By class i mean, the preference that you have in men. Say maybe men who are big, with loads of facial hairs. Generally such men won't date a woman who is independent because it hurts their ego to know that she can satisfy her needs by herself and might even help them

[Tokana]

A picture would really help in our assessment of the situation. Also, some indication of the interactions and the timeline.

[Asker]

I wouldn't feel comfortable posting a pic of myself online because of my business but most people say I look like a tall Jessica Alba. I'm 5'10. One of the guys I knew in high school and we started getting along but then he dropped off the face of the planet. When I messaged him finally, he didn't respond but instead changed his relationship status on Facebook to "in a relationship".. No warning there.

[Tokana]

Jessica Alba? wow.

maybe you're too direct and dominant... Men sometimes find that intimidating.

[Asker]

The other guy was much more polite. We went out a couple of times, chatted often, but nothing was set in stone. He called me and said he was sorry that we hadn't gone out more but that he had just started seeing someone and hoped I would understand. He said he wanted to be honest with me because he "doesn't know what the future holds".

[Asker]

I can't help it if I'm intimidating. I am decisive and confident when it comes to what I like and want. Are you saying I should be passive?

[Tokana]

You presented yourself as, "I am very attractive, intelligent, educated, self-employed, independent, kind hearted, and I'm even super funny!"

the complete package. Did you set up the 'dates'? Is it you that initiates contact all the time?

[Asker]

The first dates were not my idea. I suppose I do initiate contact a lot. If I'm the "complete package" then goddamn it because this is a lonely life.

[Tokana]

other than that, I really don't know what to say.. maybe you're too intimidating.

[AdamThomas]

Men "keep" turning you down? You only got turned down twice. It's a numbers game, just keep at it.

[Asker]

That's just recently.

[AdamThomas]

So? It's still only two. That's just what happens when you're the one pursuing, as most men know. E. g. I'll probably get turned down 10 times for every "yes" I get. You don't realise it when all you do is sit and let people approach you and you're the one doing the turning down, that's why most women ask these questions after approaching one or two men.

[cth96190]

@AdamThomas a hit rate of one in 10 is pretty spectacular from my view of the world. I was batting in the hundreds to one, before I gave up on the whole project.

[AdamThomas]

@cth96190 - yeah that's just a guess, the real number could be higher. This is why these questions make me laugh, women are clueless.

[Asker]

Are you suggesting I ask out men more often? I thought that turns guys off because they need to be the pursuer?

[AdamThomas]

If he likes you he'll like it, if he doesn't like you he'll reject you. The asking isn't what makes the difference. The reason women don't get this is because usually it's the guys who do the asking out - those guys who turned you down weren't turned off by you approaching them, they just didn't really fancy you, and they would never have approached or pursued you if you'd waited for them. It's up to you if you want to approach guys or not, you will get rejected more than you'd expect though, so it depends on whether or not you can handle that or not, I'm guessing not. To be honest if I was a woman and I could get away with never approaching anybody and having them approach me instead that's what I'd do.

[meatballs21]

It's a classic case of bad timing. Don't let it get to you.

[Asker]

That's kinda what I figured.. talk about bad luck lol.

[meatballs21]

I know the feeling - you wonder what's wrong with you, but sometimes there's something wrong with them or they just don't realize what they've got in front of them.

[Asker]

I suppose. It's pretty shitty not being able to have the person you want. Especially when you can't imagine someone "better".

[AlwaysBelieving]

By how you worded things, you sound like a girl that thinks she's "all that and a bag of chips."

[Asker]

Hardly. How else am I supposed to ask an entire website of people who have never met me a question regarding my personal straits or lack there of? Sorry to disappoint but it's not that black and white. If it were, I would know my issue by now don't you think? lol

[AlwaysBelieving]

Not necessarily. That's why you're on here asking the question that you are (which is good).

How much makeup do you put on?
What are your bad habits?
What's your posture like?

[Asker]

I don't wear make up unless I go out.. Bad habits? Wouldn't you like to know lol.. My posture is pretty good for someone who's 5'10 with huge heavy breasts.

[AlwaysBelieving]

Sorry, mannerisms.

And yep, I didn't actually need you to list your bad habits, I just wanted your reaction.

You sound like you have a very strong personality and that's fine. You probably come off as a very independent woman. Some guys don't want to deal with that. Men want to feel that they're needed. If they don't, they're going to think "what does she need me for? To be a sperm donor? I don't think so."

[legalboxers]

people are judgmental and judge on looks not on personality. screw the haters

[Asker]

I look just fine.

[legalboxers]

maybe they are intimidated

[Asker]

I know I am intimidating to look at but that's why I'm funny and try to be friendly. I want the men I am interested in to know I am "in their league".. Should I be going after men that don't need that kind of reassurance?

[legalboxers]

reassurance for what? just be you