He doesn't want a relationship, but he doesn't want to lose me?

[Anonymous]

I completely fell for this guy because the way he treated me was so beautiful. We spent some nice moments together, but he is not long after a break up and he is not ready for a relationship right now. But he told me he doesn't want to lose me because of that.
And I don't know why but it really hit me and I feel almost same like when my ex was leaving me. I feel so empty and weird. I felt like I completely lost him. I can't now ask him out because I will feel like I'm pushing him into something he doesn't really want. I feel so broken which is pretty stupid but I think illusion her gave me made my mind steps too far into the future which is never going to happen.

I don't really know what to do because I don't want to date anyone else.. I feel like we are so great but met in so wrong time and it's completely killing me

[Anonymous]

@ MeganForreal - right on... you are way too in love with him at this point. It's good you are asking this question. what you need is action on your end to cut him off completely.

Let's face it... lots of stories out there... they were dating a woman for a long time, they broke up... he met someone new and married in 6 months...

when a guy wants you, he will do anyting for you.

My boyfriend was obssessed with a woman for 11 years. When he met me, i made him cut her off... he was having a hard time letting her and her kids go...11 years... that he was in love with...

But for me, he let her (and those kids that he loved so dearly ) go.. he could have told me, he needed time to heal. To be single for awhile but to keep me around.
He could have said, he doenst have the money to date me (becasue I like all the finer things in life) but doesn't want to lose me... he did say something like that along the line... but he keep being the good boyfriend and we work things out. I helped him heal, moved on and we have been together 2 years now.

When a man wants you, he wants you.. dont let a man use you and string you along...

that woman of 11 years strung him along...11 yrs!!!

so for you, find a man who will make you the happiest woman, make you whole not make you feel like you do now.

Right now, i love my boyfriend and can't wait to see him this weekned. He misses me as well... This is the kind of love you desert.
xoxo

[Alwayreckles93]

This ^^ best answer ever.

[Anonymous]

Ok I was in a similar situation
So me and my boyfriend were together for nearly 2 years but 4 months ago, we broke up over an argument and he wanted to focus more on his career
But he still wanted to be friends
So he kept contacting me several times a week and wanting to hang out to places every week
I was waiting for 4 months for him to change his mind but he didn't
So I decided to see another guy who was interested in me
He found out about this new guy and got upset
Then he confessed that he still loves me and wants to work things out but he wish me the best with this guy and cut contact with me
Then few days later, I sent him a long message saying how I love him but I need commitment. If he doesn't give me the commitment that I need then I will be long gone.
And you know what happened?
He called me up straight away and wanted to meet up
So we met up and he said "Im still in love with you, I want to make it work, I don't want to be without you"

So.. point is:
Distance yourself abit from him
He will definitely notice
If he truly wants to be with you, he will make it work.
If a guy really likes a girl, he doesn't want any guy to have her so he will snatch her up quick

Usually guys that say he doesn't want a relationship because of this and that... are usually bullshit.
They just want to keep their options open.
So be careful on this one.

[james_d0007]

well said!

[james_d0007]

So I decided to see another guy who was interested in me
He found out about this new guy and got upset

So what happened to the new guy? you dumped him to get back to your ex. Just curious to know

[little_bird1]

@james_d0007 She was just using a new guy obviously.

[james_d0007]

@little_bird1 that's wrong but why does someone else suffer

[MeganForreal]

I hate to say this n dont want to sound mean but fact of reality is he doesn't like u like u like him. He wants to have his cake n eat it 2. He wants the great things about u but doesn't want to give u commitement thats selfish. Secondly dont ever lower urself to that. Your alreqdy making excuses for him saying were so right for each other but he just got out of a relwtionship well thats bull. If u were so right u would be together no questions asked.. no u dont need to ask him out you need to distance urself from him completly in the small chance he might wake up n see 2hat he's missing n come back but i seriously doubt that as well

[Asker]

What if he got hurt by his breakup and he is not fully recovered yet? And he doesn't really want to go through same pain again?
I'm just trying to understand him. I am his first girl after his breakup

[MeganForreal]

Its a cop out. Life is life sometimes u will find someone when u least expect it and u either embrace it or turn ur bk on it.. u can't have ur cake n eat it 2.. but like i said ur making ezcuses for him if he is so damaged by his x why was he speaking with u in the 1st place. 2nd when is ever the right time after a break up.. its all what u make from it. All im saying is dont cut urself short because he doesn't want to give u the commitement u deserve.

[Asker]

Okay, I understand. It's just, always it is so hard to see clear when we have feelings for someone.. Thank you for your help

[MeganForreal]

I understand, and i know its hard but u have to be a strong willed eoman and tell urself u deserve the best and never settle for less because u will never truly be happy. You will find someone that you have way more feelings for and he will reciprocate ur wants n needs.

[Slightyconfused]

You could tell him you're willing to try when he's in a better place, but for him to try to make you exclusive to only him when he's not willing to do the same seems selfish. I would be open to dating him later on, but don't wait around for him and miss opportunities.

[Asker]

He is not seeing any other girls. I am his first after his breakup. It's not that he wants to fuck around but it's about that he wants more time for himself, his friends and doesn't want to feel like dependent on someone

[rjroy3]

Hate to say it, but have been in this exact scenario from the guys side of it. I wasn't ready for a relationship post breakup, but I thought I was only to find out afterwards that I wasn't ready. So I "broke up" with her two weeks into seeing eachother, even tho we weren't together yet. I didn't want to lose her, but I wasn't ready to be with anyone at all. Even tho if I was to be with anyone at the time I wanted it to be with her.

If it's anything like my situation it is just an issue of time. But it sucks for you, because it's entirely dependent upon him. Only he knows when he is ready, but do you want to put your life on hold for him? It could be awhile and you are going to meet other guys that you'll like eventually. For your sake I would say give him space, but also don't wait around for him. Don't go looking for love, but don't hide yourself from what else is out there right now. He has to figure his stuff out for himself and you don't want your heart on the line in the midst of that. Maybe you'll both be available when you're better for eachother. Feel free to try again down the road if that's something you still want and it's been awhile (months)

[Ferruccio]

hey, you got it all wrong. listen, this doesn't mean he's not into you. if he took extra care and effort to treat you well, he must have something for you. listen. for a guy to have a heavy breakup, he needs some time to recover. he can';t just jump in onto the next relationship. it is perfectly normal, and just needs his time for closure.
he needs time, thats all. and that he doesn't want to lose you means he might still care for you. please be patient. if he is really worth it, you will wait for him. dont rush it. love should not be rushed. i hope you will feel better. let me know if u have further questions, regards.

[Ferruccio]

edit: forgot to put this in. I wish the best for you and hope it all works out as you expected

[mel1695]

What if he isn’t ready for a relationship (and not because of a break or anything) but he doesn’t want to lose you? What would you say it’s the reason then?

[Asker]

Thank you, I appreciate your words.
Yes, he cares for me and treat me the way I haven't been treated for a very long time. I wouldn't have a problem to wait for him because I do care for him too. But I'm just a bit afraid that in the end I'll end up waiting forever and just more broken.

[Ferruccio]

@mel1695 it is pretty dumb and his Fault for saying that, "i dont want to lose you". I have some attractive female friends, they trust me so much, and even then i dont tell them "i dont want to lose you", it is just very awkward. so it actually means he has some feelings for her but now its not the time to call if officially bf/gf. hey, we guys,, let me tell you, we like girls ok. he took extra effort to treat her kindly and nicely. surely means something. i hope it wasn't just something necessary but something to show he cares specially. a guy should not be sending wrong messages if he does not intend to date.

[Ferruccio]

ok i get what you mean. so here's the deal, you can wait for him, the lonngest would be like 1-2 months, then maybe you can like officially ask him out if u want lol. thats the longest. i dont think he should take too long to recover from the previous breakup, ((actually guys take kinda long but he needs to find the proper way to breakup, i think eharmony provide some good articles about it)) so as for you, you dont need to wait forever, after some time you can actually ask him about it, i'm sure you guys are close enough right. he said "i dont want to lose you" no guys really say this unless he cares and likes for you in THAT way. so currently you dont have other guys pursuing you, do you? it'll be quite complicated if so.

[Asker]

And how do you think it takes a guy to be ready for a new relationship? Because it just he doesn't want it for now because he wants to use his freedom (not about the girls, but about life - he doesn't want to be dependent on someone etc) and also because he doesn't want to involve in something and get disappointed again.

So I should just let him go for now? Don't really text him or anything right? It's so hard because I'm totally sad and missing him. I barely even eat. I don't know why it made me be so...

Well, there are guys pursuing me but they are not worth it.. they are mostly focused on just having me for sex and they want me for how I look like. He is different and I think that was what made me totally fell for him.

[Ferruccio]

ok, so between you guys, what has been done so far, any dates? how many? and how long do you spend with each other per session? also if you dont mind me asking, how did this subject came about? like how did he tell you he doesn't want to lose you in the first place?

to answer your question. no you don't have to "let him go, let him go". i guess you are feeling confused and also not sure if he will really commit to you. i guess its natural to feel that way. how about this... when you think the time is right, you could talk about this subject again. you can say, "hey remember the time you told me, you dont want to lose me, did you really mean it? " here is the important bit, you need to ask him, "do you want me to wait for you? i can wait for you, but i need your word" he needs to know that you have your own life too. then give him some spare time, like dont make him feel obligated/pressured about anything. but he NEEDS to know also. almost 1k characters, next window

[Ferruccio]

he NEEDS to know, very important, that he MUST tell you not to wait for him, when the time arises. hopefully he'll be noble and tell you BEFORE he gets another girl, not after he gets another. you dont want to be the "backup plan" of any guy. no girl should ever be treated that way, nor even guys. for a guy to be ready for a relationship, he must really complete and close the previous one. if he didn't close the previous one well enough, there will be emotional repercussions at the weirdest times. i'm sorry you feel that way, i have been through times i didn't felt like eating either. its like you care and like the person, but you can't do much. dont worry, just have your meals. if you want to talk to him, you can ask him, do you want to chat? it's a good startup to see if the time is right to start a convo, since he is still completing his previous one. also,,,,, if you want, you could show him you care. but DO this NOT just for showing you care but actually that you do.

[Ferruccio]

like question him, on his health and advice him he needs to do so and so, like drink water, eat meals and sleep early. advice him on so and so. only do it if you are sincere about it. show him that u do care.. tell him you hope he recover soon. you know, just be kind like that. maybe he might feel more comfortable to you and feel u are a keeper. its okay for him to ahve that freedom. just show that u care for him sincerely. and when u do these things, it makes u happy, cuz u like him and u do care for him right. so u won't feel like not eating, when u continue doing things that are caring. ok i guess that will do for now, hope all works out, be patient, be caring, dont pressure him too much. try to be open in communication and tell him to do so too. communication is key. best regards!

[ChronicThinker]

If he won't have you as a girlfriend, then he doesn't want you as much as he should.

[Buzzby]

That is also true. But don't you agree they need to talk about it?

[Asker]

We did talk about it. That's why I know about his breakup and so on. He just got hurt by it pretty much and now he is afraid of going through such situation again.

[Buzzby]

@Asker. Is there more to the story. Or doesn't life teach us to take the good knocks with the bad?

[DermalPunch]

@Buzzby no this is the most entry level game guys run on women and they need to stop falling for the BS

[Anonymous]

I get that you have a need to understand his reasons, but simply understanding something is not an automatic solution to problems. Your problem is not that you have an unreciprocated crush, it's that you lack love in your life and instead of activily searching for it you are staying in a place where there is none. If you could virtually re-live his whole life and finally "understand" everything, the outcome would still be the same. Why waste so much energy on trying to understand and justify simple incompatibility? Get rid of hope and plans for future, you gotta like someone 100% the way they are at this very moment. Not 5 or 10 years from now, not when the circumstances are better, it's about having it great right now and trying to keep it that way. YOU did not lose anything. Neither did he. And neither did or would you gain anything. Simply because you are not looking for the same thing. His rational self is trying to tell you but his penis is sugar coating it. Not only is he not a match for you, he is also being an asshole for prioritizing his sexual needs over your feelings. If he had any decency he'd walk away without adding that lamest 'but I don't want to lose you' bs ever. Wish him well and go after what you really want! Guys like this will keep messing you around until you break the pattern. Accept as many first dates as you can regardless of anything! Then see if there are 4 C's:
1. Chemistry - you should know if there is chemistry after first date, if you are not sure there is not
2. Communication - enjoying conversing, talking goes smoothly
3. Commitment - you both said yes to each other
4. Compatibility - you both want the same things, have same values

These 4 C's develop (or not) pretty early on if it's the right person, and you would have to be the dumbest idiot to miss the sings when all matches. So don't worry just be strict about what you want and apply the filter with more discipline. Save yourself (and the guy) the misery of getting to the unneccessery point of getting hurt when you already see that 1 or even 2 C's are missing in your case (Commitment and Compatibility).

Move on, he'll be fine, chances are he won't change ever anyway. I know plenty of them like that, still living a bachelore lifestyle in their 30s, 40s... some are damaged to point of no return, and some are happy living like that with no plans to change.

[LordTargaryen]

Feel you. Fell for that wonderful guy, we really get along great. He also went through a breakup that left him somewhat emotionally upside down and he told me that, although he does like me, he doesn't feel romantic attraction. He was really cute about it, like genuinely sorry and to some extent feeling stupid for not feeling the same way I do. Be also said that he was afraid to lose me.
Guess what? I'm gonna stick with him, no matter what. Things can change, after all, and even if not, he's still a good friend. I'm just going to give him some time, and if the way he feels doesn't change, I'll start looking for options again.

[ShySocialButterfly]

I am curious as to what happened with this?

[Jared2245]

I just got out of a relationship with some one I wanted to spend my life with and she wanted to do so also untill she lost interest I'm not saying your guy is losing interest in you it's just some of us guys have trouble learning to love and this is gonna sound fake but we get scared that we're gonna get hurt again and it's hard to open up with someone new after you poor your life into something that meant so much to you. But I guess what I'm trying to say is stay by his side even tho he's not ready for another relationship. Once a guy realizes that a girl is staying by him even tho he's not ready it'll let him know that you care and you're there for him which will make him more comfortable in opening up and letting you in. That's how a lot of us guys work just try this he'll come around we always do and sometimes we shouldn't but we still do. I wish you the best hope this helped

[Tessi]

Thing about men that females seem to not notice (or not mention) is that usually when a guy actually falls for a girl he will jump in the deep end, no half measures, it's all in.

That said, sometimes men don't have their all to offer at a given time, be it because of past relationships, personal problems, stress, whatever.

My advice would be to detach from him a bit, create some distance, he'll feel your abcense and that will make you jump right to the top of his priority list.

We never realise what we had till it starts slipping away from us

[ScaryCool]

How long has it been since his last relationship? I'm in the same boat and it does happen where you're not ready just yet but at the same time wanting to keep getting closer with someone. Give him some time but if you feel in your heart that he's just stringing you along, no progress being made, then move on. Not all guys are the same, unfortunately/fortunately.

[missaquarian]

Cut the sex thing and see if he still wants you to stay.

[Asker]

Many times we met didn't lead to sex. I guess if this would be the only thing he wants, he would take every opportunity. But he didn't

[Buzzby]

I was in a relationship for 14 years. Were both professional working people.
We lived together off and on. But our relationship was stronger in so many ways. We did things together on our weekends where our working week we did our own thing.
What I am saying is. We all like our space. Take your time don't rush it. Speak to him. But don't pressure him into something that he's not ready.
I hope he sees that you are good for his future?

[Alwayreckles93]

Girl don't waste your time back in my younger years I was so deeply inlove with this guy. He told me I love you but we need to break up. I didn't want to fate other guys because I was so inlove with this guy to the point I picture my sel marriage with him. Long story short he get back with his ex girlfriend. Girl he isn't worth your time find a men that will d9 anything to be with you.

[Kenni]

Just be patient. If he doesn't wanna lose you, he'll realize soon that you're the one he wants. Just give him time and keep being the way you are with him. That's what's helping him and what will make him realize that it's you.

[jaidee]

Can't you see each other from time to time, so he has some space and yet taking baby steps towards the future?
Of course, the answer may be a resounding "no", but better cover all your options and leave no stone unturned.

[Paulzm1]

This guy is just using for SEX and he does not want a commitment, Don't give him any more SEX unless you agree with friends with benefits only, SEX after Marriage, or just quite wasting time with this guy, there's plenty of good guys out there that want a serious relationship

[Asker]

Most of the times we met were without sex. And I guess if he would want just sex, he would use every opportunity to get it.

[Paulzm1]

How often do you guys see each other?

[lenav_1]

Be honest and tell him what you think of. I mean he's just going through a taff time and he has to recover from that relationship so just stay friendly and dont put pressure on that situation.

[Joker8]

He likes you but doesn't trust women in general, he wants you but is scared to repeat the last experience... what you can do is stay the way you are and keep close and earn his trust slowly and learn about his ex and make him know your different than her

[GreatGooglyMoogly]

I'm in the same exact boat, just change the genders. It's tough, but you could try to remain friends and see what happens. I told her even if she isn't ready for a relationship, I'd like to remain friends.

[RingOfFire]

Focus on YOU. You do not need to rush into a relationship. Maintain the relationship with him, focus on other things in your life that make you happy and in time you will know if it is right or not. You have to be able to be you first because there are times when that will rescue you from the kind of quandary you feel you are in now.

[RingOfFire]

Oh snap just realized it's an old question!

[Anonymous]

Be straightforward with him. Let him know that you have an interest in him, and see what he says. If he says "not right now" or something like that, ask him when. Don't let him by without a yes or a no because anything else is an unfair answer to both of you.

[Rei13]

You didn’t do anything wrong and your feelings are valid. You might be a rebound and if he truly wants to be with you he will do anything to make that happen. It is okay to walk away. It will hurt for awhile but you will get through it

[SarahsSummer]

You need to fill your body and mind with healthy activities that don’t involve him you can’t be around him or even interact with him right now. Protect yourself and stay busy and away from him. In time it’ll be easier.

[Sarisalive]

You should give him time to heal. And if it's suppose to happen then it will happen. Try to not think so much about it and try to put your focus more on other areas of your life, especially the ones that need to be worked on