Why do many so called “nice guys” struggle to get a gf? What are they doing wrong?
Being nice is a wonderful personality trait people admire but if you look below the surface, just being nice doesn't automatically get you a girlfriend. There's compatibility, personality type and behavior types to consider when it comes to finding someone to date. Some of the flaws that nice guys have that can be considered unattractive to others include lack of confidence, shyness, being too much of a pushover, have insecurity issues and/or are indecisive about actions they make.
Honestly, a nice guy is just as capable of finding a girlfriend as a bad boy would be. It all comes down to preference in what people like and are looking for. You can be the sweetest, most generous guy on the planet and it won't make a difference if the other person doesn't admire you for who you are. It's no wonder a lot of people today struggle with finding that special someone; even nice guys will have a challenge as well!
Yes, women will always appreciate men who are nice to them but this alone won't get you a girlfriend if they can't find other reasons to be attracted to you.
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- 4.7K opinions shared on Guy's Behavior topic.
Like I once did, they operate under the false belief that being extra nice will make up for their lack of confidence and self-worth. It does not.
Yes, most women want a nice guy, but that is a much lower priority than confidence (which is usually #1 on the list). If you were buying a new Ford Mustang, the engine, transmission, and suspension options would likely be far more important to you than the color of the embroidery on the floor mats, and it's like that for girls - you being nice is floor mat priority.
- 1K opinions shared on Guy's Behavior topic.
Those "nice guys" aren't nice guys when a girl reject them they become angry and insult her.
They fake being nice and they think they deserve a girl for it. They're arrogant and think they're better than the other.
For the other the true nice guy then being nice isn't a quality people seem to like nowadays (even women who are nice / kind aren't liked (in my country at least) they're considered like boring, most people like challenge and fighting and teasing in a relationship so they aren't a fan of nice people in general)).
After it can be cause the nice person is unattractive physically or appear to be dumb, etc..
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Being nice is the problem, if you're talking about the "nice guys" I'm thinking of. When their "do a simple courtesy to get into a girl's pants" plan falls short they immediately flip shit. They think they're entitled to a girl they don't even know's mind and body because they held open a door.
Guys that are actually just nice? Maybe they're looking at the wrong girls.
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It's quite simple to guys/men, just be yourself, and conduct a civilized conversation. Everyone has their own persona, they say opposites attract, sure to a certain extent, but I find that most couples have a commonality amongst each other, otherwise it's just based on sex and how long will that truly last then. I'm reading the comments from girls on here and I admit they are right, nice guys are putting up a front pretending to be something they are not.
I know, because I did the same thing, I catered to the needs of girls, I dressed a certain way to impress girls and it did not work. When one girl I liked didn't like me back it was because of 2 reasons -- 1) I took way too long to make a move, 2) when she decided to move I got super pissed and I admit that's my immaturity but I'm glad it didn't work out because she is also immature in her own right as well.
I think the narrative of being a nice guy has different layers to it. To me a nice guy is someone who is honest, trustworthy, has a big heart (i. e: donating to poor, helping others, praying to God) working hard, waiting to find the right person to have sex with and etc... That's rare to find these days. The way women and girls see 'nice' guys is they don't have a spine, they seem like mama's boys, and to an extent that is true. But girls, you can't be that tough on guys who have that persona, because I know plenty of girls throughout the years who cried to me about the bad boy breaking her heart.
I guess guys try to put up a persona as nice because that's a sure fire way to attract girls and girls have grown up to be this sweet innocent girl and to always be good and break their norms thus venturing off to finding other guys with a badass persona. Eventually, and this goes for both genders, either you get it or you don't, either a guy will continue to be a doormat or the girl will always be in abusive relationships.
If someone doesn't expect the best in themselves, how is anyone going to truly help you? One girl can't retransform your entire self, that comes individually as well. Sure there are things that a girlfriend or boyfriend can help fix, but it's also self-reflecting on ourselves individually. For guys who get rejected, maybe your going after girls out of your league, or going to spots where women aren't committed or it's just the wrong time. I'm 32 and I am still single but a large part of that is I'm busy with grad school and haven't really pursued girls.
I don't care if I am viewed as a nice guy, that's perfectly fine with me, why should that be labeled bad? But I do agree, you gotta stand up for yourself, you gotta learn how to cook, and do shit on your own, from a guy's perspective you have to be assertive and direct and if you fail, seriously yea it sucks but you gotta move on, and if it means you stop talking to her so be it. When you wake up the next day and do the routine of going to work or school by train, how often is it we see different people so there's no need to sweat if 1 girl rejects you. -
The problem is us guys are told we are sexual monsters, and our sexuality is offensive to women.
Since many nice guys also never have experience with women, they do not learn that it is actually okay to flirt.
They never learn to flirt, and the only thing they know is what women tell them. “We want a nice guy!” So they act nice, not knowing any other alternative.
Then, when they do everything they think women want, they still can’t get a girl, they get mad. Which I think is to be expected.
No girl is attracted by a nice guy. They are attracted sexually first. What girls tell you they want, is what they want post relationship.
For attracting any woman, sexuality comes first even though women don’t want to admit it. They think men only care about looks. But women have an equivalent to looks which is more complex and impossible for a man who doesn’t get it to understand without a lot of experience with women.
Women are attracted to things which can’t be put into words, so of course it’s very confusing for your average confused nice guy who just wants to show women he is a worthy candidate for love and affection.
And this begins the spiral into depression and self hatred as nice guys get more and more angry that women are lying to them about what they want and that the truth can not be figured out.
The truth is, you must have experience with women to be good with women. You have to go out and suffer rejection after rejection, maybe for years, before things click into place and you finally get it.
It’s not fun for us guys sometimes. Especially if your life left you without any experience from your teen years. - 741 opinions shared on Guy's Behavior topic.
Because women do not know what masculinity is. They have been force fed several ideas about it that are bullshit. Namely that being nice and having feelings is being weak (ironic because its women who then turn around and bitch and blame men for not showing emotions despite forcing it on them), which is far from the case (its harder to be nice then it is to be a selfish asshole). They also trade in love for lust, this doesn't affect them when they are young and desirable but when they get older and all the assholes have gone after younger women (who where just as ignorant but younger and more attractive) they then settle down with the nice guy because he is the one who sticks around (I feel bad for these men because they where told their entire life that if they where good people good things would happen and then they end up, instead of the women seeing them for the loyal people they are, as nothing more then a contingency plan and paycheck). So the reason why women go after assholes instead of nice guys is because they don't understand masculinity and because society never pushes them to think things through before they act (hence so many women demanding that the world just stop being the way it is rather then them trying to change themselves to fit the world) so they just go after their knee jerk reactions end up ruining their lives then drag down any man ignorant enough to give them a chance. Any good woman actively seeks out good men, stupid women actively seek out assholes because they are "exciting", because apparently getting repeatedly cheated on and abused is "exciting"(I've personally witnessed this. Seen women go after a guy who out right stated he was a sociopath (and was proud of it) then was upset when things ended up EXACTLY how every sane person expected it would).
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Everyone means something different by nice guy. So categories:
1. Guys that are actually nice. These guys are actually decent human beings, and not secret assholes. Usually they struggle because they have such a low opinion of themselves that they think by approaching a girl at all they are insulting her. So they just don't approach girls, or they do so rarely.
2. Guys that think being nice is the same thing as offering basic (yet often outmoded) social courtesy. These guys actually believe that doing things like hold a door open for a girl, pulling out a chair for them, etc qualifies them as being some great humanitarian. These are the same ones who will call you "milady". Their version of nice is stilted and artificial. It doesn't allow for building good connections with most woman and makes them uncomfortable. They lead with these actions as if they where their most attractive trait. As such they get rejected, since most women don't care about 1950s social conventions.
3. Guys that somehow believe their negative personality traits (cowardice, meakness, ect) makes them "nice". They think this because they confuse being too scared to be an asshole makes them not an asshole. But the truth is, when they feel safe (like over text messages, or when they have anonymity) they let all kinds of uglyness out. They call girls sluts, say they want to shoot up their schools, etc. But because they don't do this publicly it's easy to confuse them for the first type of guy. Girls don't like them of course; If they where going to be with an abusive asshole, most would choose one with guts.
While their is sometimes overlap between the 2nd and 3rd types, I do feel like the second types get a bad rap often. Most often they are just ignorant or on the autism spectrum rather than actively malicous like the 3rd type. -
It's because they fail all the shit tests. They submit to women when they're wrong and act all fake trying to virtue signal that they're a good guy... and it just doesn't make the pussies as wet as a guy that will stand up for himself or check her ass when she's being fucked up.
That's all it is really. Successful with the ladies type guys necessarily need to be the stereotypical "asshole," but they should at least act like they have a pair of nutts. You know with shit like self respect, self validating, independence, or not emotionally charged in a way they become erratic in their thinking.
But watch, some butt-hurt nut job might even come at me with their 'offense' to my strong opinion for your question here, virtue signaling they're better than whatever I just said that hurt their stupid feelings... not even a bit self aware that's not getting them anywhere. They're the type of dudes that have no argument for anything, just ad hominems and feels over reals... like a lot of chicks are.
I blame the rise in this 'type' of guy with the rise in these dudes literally not having a Dad, or had a Dad who also was a total 'tool' for a woman. There is a type a woman out there that wants a 'tool' of a man, but outside of that 'tools' use, she cares not for that man as the man.
- 1.6K opinions shared on Guy's Behavior topic.
I guessI would describe it as a Christmas card that is printed with a broken ink machine.
If the card is beautiful but only comes in one shade of colour you probably will not buy it
If the card is beautiful but comes in only two shades of colour you probably will not buy it
If the card is average looking but comes in 20 shades of colour - you might be interested in buying it
Nice guys are the same - it gives you brownie points - but being nice is usually not the only thing you look for in a guy.
Just like this - if you meet a professor who is very good at doing research but bad at teaching - he won't get tenor
If you meet a professor who is very good at teaching but bad at research - he might get tenor but it is very unlikely he ever will
If you meet a professor who came from a very good school but he has no teaching experience - he would have to be truly exceptional at the interview to get hired
If you meet a professor who came from an average school but has very good experience and taught at very good schools - he has an extremely high chance of getting hired.
Being nice is almost useless - when its not combined with other qualities. -
Bro, be honest. It's a total cop-out. An excuse to make ourselves feel better when we can't get the one we like. There's a laundry list of reasons why stuff don't work out:
1) One of you 2 have problems and it's a turn-off
2) They're out of your league. Let's face it, extremely beautiful women put time and effort into their looks. And money. Looking goods costs money. If you don't put in the same amount of time, effort and money into yourself, then don't blame her for not thinking you're a catch.
3) You have nothing in common. Let's say she's hot. Ok... what else do you know about her? Chances are, not much. And if you do know but still have nothing in common, what are you gonna do if she gives you a chance? Talk about the weather 24/7?
4) Money. If you can barely even afford to go on a date, don't expect to get one. People want partners, and not being able to take care of yourself proves you're not capable of being one.
5) You're mistaking being desperate for being nice. Nice people are generally good people that have their own likes and dislikes, in addition to genuinely caring for other people. Being desperate is willing to let the other person walk all over you, doing whatever they want, being their errand boy and practical slave, all with a smile on your face. Ya gotta love yourself before you can love others.
6) The other person isn't mature yet. People aren't gonna want the same things their whole lives. High Schoolers definitely might mistake a nice person for a doormat, probably won't be the case once they're in the real world 5-7 years later. A party boy/girl seems great... till the adrenaline wears off and you realize you've gotta bring this person back home with you -
Lets step back and note that first of all it's quite possible the answer for many is it has nothing to do with being nice. Plenty of total assholes are also single, and nobody questions why. Being nice doesn't magically get you a girlfriend. So a little here what we have is that of guys who are single AND nice, we say 'oh why are nice guys single'.
That said there are a couple potential issues:
- women like nice -men-. A guy who is nice, kind, strong, tough, capable women love that he's nice. Women don't want to mate with weak men. If nice is spilling over into 'i'm so nice that I never disagree or criticize' that's not really nice, its cowardly. Similarly "I would never be clear I was looking for a sexual relationship where my needs are met" isn't being nice, it's being a pushover who tries to simply be whatever a girl wants.
- a lot of guys are given the impression that most guys aren't nice, and they are, hence they must be special. This is actually bullshit.
- guys in this position who can't get a girl often assume they -must not be being nice enough- and go from being genuinely nice to being suck up doormats who are actually being fake, and women hate that. -
Do you know what separates a nice guy from a "nice guy"? Where they point their anger at. A nice guy is angry with himself and blames only himself for his problems. A "nice guy" blames his problems on others and the world.
I am a nice guy and I really don't like to hear "nice guy" bashing. I know they are all talking about not really nice guys, but even if I don't share some features they have I certainly share others. This makes me relate to their pain and feel for them.
Me and them know what is like to feel that worthless, that no girls likes you and never will. I blamed myself for that, they blame the girls. Even if there is a difference I know how much that feeling hurts!
I tried to improve myself and they will sit down and wait for the girl that will like them or for the world to change. It's hard to one day look in the mirror and say " I suck! Let's change that!". But since they think the others suck they will always have a hard time getting girls.
Now for the other part... I never shamed any girl or was ever angry because I was rejected, but that doesn't help either. Being nice was never the reason I was rejected like the "nice guys" believe it is, but it was never the reason I got a girlfriend either!
Make no mistake about that, girls do like the bad guys. Being a real good guy doesn't help you unless you have other features like looks and attitude. It really doesn't.
In resume... They can''t get girls because they lack the will to improve themselves and even if they do they will find out that a guy can be good and do everything right and still fall short. -
Why I don't prefer a nice guy?
- They are 'too' nice that they would go as far as to become a 'pleaser' whenever they are with me. This means that they'd hold themselves back and I wouldn't be able to know them as who they really are. To me, they feel like a helper or assistant or lackey.
- It feels as if they are trying really hard to keep me that I feel like some sort of a trophy or something.
- They mutter the words 'I love you' really quickly and repetitively that it bores me. I don't feel convinced at all. They sound desperate, to be honest.
- They kept telling me that they are 'honest' with me and that they won't ever lie to me. What does that sound like to you?
- They don't talk about other stuff, except the fact that they love me and how much they praise me for being such a perfect person. I can't even have a real conversation with them because of this.
- They're not really as 'nice' as they say. I decided to break up with my ex recently. He told me that we should continue being friends afterward, but he ignore me lol. -
We have a hard time distinguishing a product from a human being, particularly in the U. S.
Also, in addition to the male gender role expectaions never changing really, men are also thought to be inherently malevolent, dangerous and scary under the surface. It's as if guys need to apologize for being born, the way they've been painted by society. And so guys grow up under this way of thinking and become petrified around women, thus they don't gain those social and flirting skills. More guys are missing out on these life skills and withdraw into these new forms of nonsocial entertainment like videogames.
If the thought of rejection wasn't scary enough, guys are trying so hard now to prove that they're precisely not that creep, sexual aggressor, or monster that they've already been raised to think they are. But then they still get called a creep or... "nice guy".
This blindness to a sensitive, gentle, sweet soul can cause it withdraw or die. It can certainly exacerbate depression. So I think this relatively arbitrary "nice guy" stigma is dangerous because we can miss out on the presence of many happy productive members of society; because we simply refused to kindly appreciate their humanity -
I would say, as a guy who has dealt with a lot of loneliness, and having interacted with people in general, and wanting to give advice or help someone out, my opinion would change from guy to guy.
At times, I’m called that to this day, but I would not categorize myself as nice. I’m kind and apathetic and usually not a jerk, which may come across as “nice.” But that’s not what I care about.
So as someone who has, at times, been labeled as a “nice guy,” I can give you what I think are my issues, many not being my fault, some perhaps being “my fault” something I’m in control of.
But each of those might change a bit from person to person.
I have a friend who dates what seems like really normal women. Good women. Women “way too good” for what he would bring to the table. It’s bizarre how he gets and keeps these women as long as he does (most relationships not lasting more than a few months)... sometimes it makes sense as to what he’s doing. Sometimes, though, it’s just crappy circumstances. - 319 opinions shared on Guy's Behavior topic.
If you are talking about the so-called 'nice guys' who think they are some hero deserving of a pedestal because they have been doing people favors, they aren't really nice. Having a feeling of entitlement or expecting things in return is terrible. Bitterness towards a woman that rejects you is terrible. Worst is that these men have the most disastrous combination of two undesirable traits. High ego and low self-esteem.
But what if it is an actual nice guy? As much as being nice is very important in a relationship, it is often not enough to grab someone's attention or interest in the first place. I would suggest that you socialize more. And be patient! If you are good to others it will pay off some day. Every single girl that is dating a guy right now is because they know he is nice to her and nice enough for her, including the one I'm dating. He couldn't be nicer.
Have patience, don't be afraid to express your feelings for a girl and keep being nice. It will help someday. -
There's no such thing. Nice guys are undercover assholes. And when you date a "nice guy" they have feelings of insecurity because they don't understand why a girl finally likes him. Then he unconsciously treats the girl that likes him like shit. So, women don't like to date a guy they constantly need give reassurance too. They like men that already are assholes because they know what they are dealing with immediately. As opposed to a nice guy that will turn asshole and probably leave you in the process of his turning. 😆 lol True story.
- 588 opinions shared on Guy's Behavior topic.
You mean decent men. That's usually what guys mean when they they talk about this, which is okay. A lot of women - especially young women - don't want decent men because they think they're "boring" or virgin-y.
And a lot of these chicks will try to justify that by talking about how "nice guys aren't really nice." That's their write-off for every guy like that, even though they know very well that there are plenty of "nice guys" who are not fake or having a motive. They simply don't want decent men because they aren't mature enough for it and know that, and want somebody wild or stupid like them. - 499 opinions shared on Guy's Behavior topic.
People see through your motives. If you do what you can at any point for anyone, your not willing to lose any skin over it, and not keep score. You do things just to have company doing a choir for no real reason is more attractive.
The "nice guy" #cr#tm guy everyone sees right through them. You clearly want something, you put a pound of flesh as an investment when the other person dosen't owes you a thing. You want something in the future rather the company and friendship in that moment to build up something with them.
Nothing is wrong being nice it's how you go about it. Do what you can, don't lose any skin over it even think of times being a week ago. You remember the company foundedly and the choir you got over it. A choir is something you have to do without it being an investment. -
A lot of self proclaimed "nice guys" I've met are not actually nice. They think that having manners and being polite makes them a nice guy, when really that's just the bare minimum to be a decent human being. They also seem to operate under the assumption that any girl they like and are nice to for long enough should date them, and react poorly when rejected and decide that girls just don't like "nice guys" rather than accepting that she just wasn't interested in them. These are also the guys who will stalk and pressure woman i to dating them, insisting they deserve a chance because they weren't an asshole to her
- 1.4K opinions shared on Guy's Behavior topic.
In response to any girl saying "There's no such thing. Nice guys are undercover assholes." - they shouldn't complain about being abused or not finding a good man.
Good guys usually lack the excitement or the energy to be it in life to be dangerous or somehow be criminal. Those good guys tend to treat others with respect, build their own life, ace the exams, read articles or guides on how to become successful in the workforce in order to make tons of cash and do what they like in life.
Meanwhile the jerks drive on their vehicle to the club girl next district, that he met on tinder in order to cheat on his 3 girlfriends by exciting her with big lies, treat others rude, use profanity and drugs and do some damage.
Which of these 2 do you think will draw the butterflies? -
Guys and girls say personality matters more than looks. We all know most of the time looks matter more. People go with someone who is so attractive they don’t care if they’re nice. The other person can treat the person who has feelings for them however bad they want and leave when they find someone new.
There are some people who have both traits but it seems like most often the good people will always sit behind the attractive people with no personality. Attractive ones often know they’re attractive and make others know it. There are some people but very few who will be drawn towards someone with a good personality even if they don’t have the best looks. -
Because sometimes they come off as fake and seem to be on a time limit with their niceness. They are pushy and feel entitled just because they are being nice. It feels like they think they are doing me a favor for just being nice. Some women can see right through that fake vibe shit
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