How do you tell if he wants a child/ready to be a father?

[Anonymous]

Me and my fiance have been together now for 5 years in total. Engaged since 2020. He's 38, and I'm 35.

I've always been honest about wanting a child from the beginning of our relationship. Recently he open up to me that he's not sure about having a child - it scare him to even think about it. He's not sure if he's ready or even wanting one. I'm kinda in dilemma. I felt like he was not honest with me from day one.

[SteveSmith1985]

He may not (probably wasn't) lying to you from day one. My guess is that as the prospect of "having a child" went from something in the somewhat vague future, to something that became more 'real' with all the practical implications, changes, obligations etc that having a child would entail... he realized he felt differently than he thought he did about having a kid.

I really doubt he was lying to you from day one. THat would take a genuinely awful person to knowingly do. He very likely came to realize, as the time came closer that he was further away from being ready to have a kid, than he was thinking he would be (looking down the road 5 years ago). Maybe he isn't as financially stable as he'd hoped/assumed he would be, maybe he doesn't feel as responsable (as a father figure) as he assumed/hoped he'd be (again, looking down the road 5 years ago).

I do not think this is a failure of your boyfriend to be honest. I think it's more of a "miscalculation" or "overly optimistic assumptions about where/how life would be in 5 years" or even "you know, I didn't really FULLY consider everything that having a child in a few years would entail". And you can totally be upset with him for any of those miscalculations. But... I don't think he lied to you. Unless he's just a monster inside.

Now, you are indeed in a dilemma. The delemma is: Do you want to continue in the relationship knowing, now, that this partner isn't willing/able to give you the child you've known you've always wanted?

I absolutely understand why you're upset, mad, frustrated, feel betrayed and honestly... you've got some serious thinking to do, and some really really hard choices to make. But he didn't lie to you from day one. That is not the situation you're in. He was mistaken. Or wrong. But he did not intentionally deceive you.

[alderoth]

Umm... Sounds like he doesn't want to have one right now lol. What is dishonest about that? It SEEMS like you want HIM to WANT to be a father when he's not ready. That can cause complete abandonment if a man is pushed into something he is not already willing to do. if being in a relationship with you requires your partner to be ready to be a parent, then you need to find a man that feels the same way, not convince someone that they need to be one just so it satisfies you.

I don't know, sounds to me like you two need to have a sit down, serious conversation about the subject and be ready to accept whatever answers are given.

[TommyMountainFigure]

What dilemma? He's wasted 5 years of your life that you could of spent with someone else who shared your views wanting kids.
Because of him there is now a risk you might not have any.. That is VERY selfish and deceitful. A deal-breaker if there ever was one.
Question is though.. what are you going to do?

[Asker]

Dilemma weather I should stay in the relationship or go on a separate ways. dilemma that he's asking us to maybe not have children on our own and just open a orphanage home. I'm just very confused what he wants tbh. We're having a talk this weekend. I guess I'll have to make a decision for myself depending on what he wants.

[TommyMountainFigure]

I read back everything you said, then everything I said.. Perhaps I was a bit over zealous with my advice. You obviously are head over heels in love with the guy or you wouldn't be marrying him.. But my one question to him would be.. If you are scared of bringing new life into this world why have you t=strung me along all this time..

What else worries me though, supposing he thinks oh well it's what you want... so ok.. but reluctantly... How many broken marriages happen because of a child that isn't wanted? I don't want you to be in a relationship that contains resentment either.

[Guy13]

If he gets pregnant, he will be fine. Must not be having sex, eh…

[Asker]

Hey. Thanks for responding to my q. We do have sex and recently we found out that he has a low sperm count. And we're looking at options but he doesn't feel like he needs to force or going for treatment.

[Guy13]

Sounds like a money flow issue to me.

[jahaims]

You should make sure your morals, values and goals are the same before you get serious

[KrakenAttackin]

Just do what women do, go off the pill and "oopsies"..

[In_Trance]

I think it's pretty clear to tell from what you described

[Iron_Man]

They will tell you