How do I deal with dating an introvert guy who likes to spend a lot of alone time to himself?

Question

I'm dating an introvert boy who doesn't really like to cuddle, doesn't like me staying over at night because he likes alone time, and prefers to see me like once a week. I'm really attracted to him and he's great, he genuinely cares about me I can tell, but he just will not make more than once or twice to see me so he can work instead.

He won't come on family vacations with my fam, or come to events with my friends like at the lake or swimming. He is just always working (he does projects for music). He's a really sweet guy, but he won't even hardly do one-on-one dates with me, like going to the mountains for a hike.

He does ask about my day, and I can tell he cares, and I love him a lot, but I feel like we are not "in-sync" at all. I feel like he doesn't know anything going on in my life. All he wants to do is stay inside and work on his music instead. When he does invite me over, he mostly talks about his music projects and he shows me his music projects. I'm super interested in them, and I definitely show care, but when it comes to other stuff it's like he can't show interest. I feel like we're drifting apart rapidly. Is this a me problem bc I can't show affection easily? Should I come up with things we both like? The affection thing is a big issue and I need to know how to address that between us.

What should I do? Should I offer different solutions to him, find out how to fix this, or should he be dating more of a reclusive girl? Thanks!

WonderBell99 · Accepted Answer

Just because he is an introvert does not mean that he cannot show interest in what is going on in your life. I'm an introvert myself, but if I'm really into someone, I'd definitely try to get to know them. I ask about their day and make an effort to carry on the conversation. Of course, not every introvert is the same, but the fact that he only talks about himself is a bit of a red flag. I'm speaking from a third person's point of view.

Are you sure he is interested in you? Has he shown his affection in any way, or do you feel like you just know it? I'm asking you for clarification so that I could be of more help to you. For how long have you been dating? Are you guys exclusive yet or still in the "we're just seeing each other casually" stage?

"He does ask about my day, and I can tell he cares, and I love him a lot, but I feel like we are not "in-sync" at all." --- Asker, always remember, you can always give your everything to someone, but it will not always be reciprocated... and in the long run, when you give and give and give, you'll just get exhausted, holding onto the tiny hope that you have. It's OK for you to show that you care, but how does he show that HE cares? A relationship is a two-way street. He needs to put at least half the effort that you put in. Do you think you are compatible? Detach yourself from your emotions and take a step back... just analyze your interactions with him. Besides him asking about your day, has he even taken interest in anything else about you? Your dreams? Passions? Who you are? Who you want to be?

I'm not trying to discourage you; I suggest you talk to him about this, but I highly doubt his behavior/ personality will change tremendously. It is going to be very hard to date someone you are not in sync with, because relationships are all about showing interest in each other every day, if not, often. Some people do not realize that they have to do something or that they're doing something the "wrong" way until someone points it out. I'm not suggesting you point it out, but rather, create a safe space and have a discussion about this.

Tell him what you wrote on here but word it a bit differently and make sure you have this conversation face to face. Lay out your concerns and allow him to talk.

Although, IF this frustrates or exhausts you (and you've tried talking to him, but nothing has worked), it is best that you end this relation.

FlameZee78 · Accepted Answer

Want my honest advice Hunny don’t listen to advice given to you by people who are thinking being an introvert is a bad thing I can tell you now I’m an introvert myself and I’m a female I have no friends abs the friends I do have I don’t go out with them… there could be a reason he’s an introvert maybe he just enjoys keeping himself to himself and dosnt really like to mingle with new… I know I don’t if you are not an introvert you have no idea how scary it is to mingle with someone new it’s terrifying and daunting what you need to do is simple find some common ground with him. Meaning like do the things he enjoys Don’t push him to go out and meet new people forcing and pushing could make things even more anxious and scary trust me I know. What you need to do is slowly get him used to coming out with you like first start of simple dates at home like order in pizza watch a movie or play a game than slowly get him to go out for a walk around the park walks are great because you can talk to each other on a meaningful level… slowly get him used to coming outside slowly you will see him change. He may just need a confidence boost to get him out there again.

At least that is what my family did to me to get me out even just once a week they got me used to the environment… Introverted people are hard and difficult to get and understand but with you doing the right things and the right time and not rushing it things could change… I know this isn’t everyone but it is some people you will never know unless you try….

just give him a chance he’s an introvert and from one introvert to another I can tell you there could be a reason or maybe not… if you have tried everything abs know nothing works than you can call it quits until than keep trying you got this

Weapon77 · Accepted Answer

The main thing going on here is girls love guys who have ambition, passion, and goals. But many girls also like a lot of attention. Some girls take it too far and want an ambitious guy but also want to monopolize his time and will dump him if he doesn't spend enough time with them. Then when another girl snatches him up, they want him back. Others are so fixated on spending a ton of time with the guy that they keep give from achieving his goals.

But you are clearly a good person and not trying to hurt him. So keep this in mind: married people don't actually see each other all that much throughout the week and don't usually spend all day together except on weekends once or twice a week--sometimes less. So stable relationships have to be built on both people learning how to be apart. Relationships that survive only when you see each other every day aren't stable. If you two can still like each other while only being together a couple times a week, that's actually a great sign.

Now, if your guy were playing video games all the time, I'd tell you to run away. But he's trying to do something extremely meaningful, difficult, and time consuming. Sacrifices must be made. He might even be writing songs about/for you. I'm an author, so I cannot afford to see friends and family every day, and I certainly don't have time to date all that much.

The only thing I'm a little concerned about is him not seeing your family. My final advice is you need to just talk to him about how you feel and your concerns. 90% of young relationships are ruined by not talking to each other about concerns, and it's sad because talking almost always fixes the problems.

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

I also like to stay alone a lot!

But if i like someone i would like to stay with them even if i like to stay alone.

Anyway sometime when my social battery is exausted if i like someone probably i would like to have them somewhere near me without talking to me, just the presence, maybe ask him to stay with him while he does what he wants to do, and you just stay there and keep company together, maybe bring a book and you just stay with him without doing nothing, seems a strange thing to ask but could work who knows!

Also everyone is different, so i don't know what is going on in his head, there are just so many variables

but if you don't like the fact that he is not that much present for you i think you should talk about that with him, and maybe find a solution together, ask him what is on his mind, just talk!

also show him that you appreciate when you are with him say thank you for your time show him that you care

and don't worry about talking about it if he loves you he will care no matter what you say, if your words are filled with love no matter what you say if he really cares he will not leave you alone

coachTanthony · Answer

So many women go after an introvert as a challenge then complain when they are introverted.

NZGirl07 · Answer

As an introvert I would say his actions aren't just because of introversion. I like alone time, but I love spending time with my boyfriend, family and best friend, the people closest to me. I had an ex boyfriend that sounds similar to him, and we ended up breaking up because we just weren't compatible and he wouldn't communicate. If he is refusing to see your family or go on dates, that's not because he is an introvert but it seems he isn't that interested and would rather be inside which isn't healthy all the time for a relationship. I think you need to find someone better suited for you. I did and I sure am thankful I left my ex boyfriend.

FunnyGiy · Answer

Well. Maybe you’re not compatible. But you need to use your words. He can’t read your mind and you need to remember that he isn’t psychic.

You need to tell him what your wants and needs are as well as he needs to do the same.

If you can’t fulfill this for each other. Maybe you need to break it off on good terms. That or try to work things out and make it work.

Maybe he does need a more reclusive girl and you need a guy whose more needy himself. I don’t know.

But I wish you the best

Anonymous · Answer

It seems like you are forcing yourself to like him. I mean yes you like him since you are dating him but that’s not enough for you not in a bad way. It’s not enough of what you expect. And to be happy you have to achieve your expectations be it relationship school job money friends etc.
so in your case liking him it’s not enough because you don’t feel fulfilled. Especially if king tent you are seeking marriage and stability it’s doubtful this guy will master it.
And my suggestion is to break up. That’s for your own good. You have to do what’s best for you. And from what I read he isn’t the best for you.

SoftCliff · Answer

Take it easy and really slow

Just make sure you create an environment, where introverts can speak freely and without interruption. If they don't feel comfortable, they won't speak at all

Dating an introvert is like taming a wild beast. You approach them every day, getting slowly closer and closer, but not rushing anything.

Avicenna · Answer

Well, having an artist in the family, it sounds to me like he really doesn’t want to relate to people other than through his interest in music.

TheSpaceGnome · Answer

You date a guy more like you and he dates a girl more like him.

I'd never date a woman who needs "alone time".

I don't care what I'm doing, reading, drawing, composing, tv, gaming, etc. she has my attention, she can sit on my lap and cuddle all she wants, and if gaming, she can pick up the second controller.

Anonymous · Answer

If he doesn’t align with what you’re looking for then politely dump him. Sounds like he is not fully invested in you to the same degree that you are invested in him. I would honestly take the L and move on. Someone that aligns with your needs is definitely out there. They won’t have you wondering or questioning, your cup will always be full.

Summeroflove · Answer

I don’t know. You might not be compatible. Or maybe it needs more time for him to become more comfortable.

Sometimes. The problem isn’t with either person. It’s just not meant to be. Some people just aren’t into cuddling and all the other stuff you mentioned and as you said. There are girls like that too.

I don’t know. You need to talk to him about it.

Kaneki05 · Answer

You should really ask questions like this before dating. But anyway at the end of day if you want one thing and they want another it's best to find someone else. It's much harder and rarer to fix it so you both some how better to each other needs.

It's like me getting with a religious person. I already know it won't work so why would I try? Or why would I get with an extrovert myself? When I've seen how that's just making it way more unlikely for it to work.

Subarugirl · Answer

Communicate what you need in a relationship and if he is unable or unwilling to meet those need than there really isn't a reason to continue the relationship.

AviatorTom · Answer

Let him have his "alone" time and plan things to do with him, things you're sure he'll enjoy. Start slow, maybe one day a week, and keep adding to it until he becomes less introverted. Be aware, though, he will probably always remain an introvert and need his "alone" time... it doesn't need to be all the time though, and you can teach him that.

LazerBean · Answer

By finding one who is actually compatible with you.

TacosRAwesome · Answer

You need to tell him what you want and he needs to tell you what he can deliver on. And then you decide if that's satisfactory or not.

Faithfully · Answer

Nobody's fully introverted. They have moods where they're introverted and moods where they aren't. You have to learn how to accommodate his introverted periods.

That said, your boyfriend just sounds like a boring person honestly.

art84 · Answer

I like alone as well and don't like being touched or cuddled. Even doing stuff with family like a party I get extremely nervous and my social anxiety goes high. Maybe take it slow with this guy and don't force him to anything that he isn't comfortable with. Seems like his work is his safety zone and he feels more comfortable in that environment where he is happy.

serious_miss419 · Answer

I too love my alone time. My solitude is critical to me being cheerful and recharged. A guy will get pissy at me for wanting my alone time and to sleep by myself. I don’t do the social thing - which I can relate with him not wanting to do family stuff, it’s uncomfortable.

Either accept him as he is and quit being fussy about his ways or move on and accept that you Two are simply different

Crankor · Answer

Only thing you can do is slowly/gradually make him adjust to being a bit less isolated. If it's not Wirth doing then I wouldn't expect much else. Some people also don't understand they have to put effort into a relationship

dragoblack · Answer

Talk to him. Tell him "i know you like to stay in your comfort space, but a relationship takes at least 2 people putting in effort and spending time together. So far you have shown me that you don't want me around and you don't want to at least cuddle. This isn't much of a relationship if one at all. You need to step out of your comfort zone, if you want to be with me even for a little bit."

Ms_Facesitter · Answer

Just asking about your day isn't convincing enough for me. Yes he cares, but does he really Like like you?
And try to find out what his hobbies are, maybe you cab spend more time with him through his hobbies. Maybe you both like the same thing?

How do I deal with dating an introvert guy who likes to spend a lot of alone time to himself?

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