Do men who cheat always cheat?

[Anonymous]

I have been seeing this guy for about 7 months now and he is actually the sweetest and so caring. He treats me well, listens to my feelings, always makes time for me buys me things and compliments me and gives me hugs and kisses all the time. The sex is super sweet too, always makes sure to take it slow in the beginning and kisses me, its different but I think its really sweet. We’d talked about the future and have a lot of fun and serious talks together. He had mentioned his ex is still his friend because theyre from the same friend circle and she always tries to cling on to him but he doesn’t want to be mean.

The only weird thing is, sometimes when he’d text he would turn his phone away and when i look at him he closes his phone hastily. I never wanted to question something he was uncomfortable with and wasn’t ready to share. (i learnt my lesson) maybe the last month now, he would get spam calls from a contact every now and then and he would hastily end it and say it was his realtor about a new place he got and she also was a family friend. I thought it was weird when he got nervous like that but I chose to let it go since he said it was someone unimportant.

Eventually i found out it was his ex. I accidentally saw the texts he had with her it was her wanting him to have sex with her and him just saying stuff like “as long as you want it” and setting up to get “dinner and sex” together. I went through it all, she sent pictures and he said gave some pretty fuck boy answers. It wasn’t sweet and gentle like how he talked to me. It made me think if his personality is all made up and he can switch up. It was shocked tbh. He seems like such a good guy and always made time for me.

This is so crazy to me because why would men go to such extents to lie? I’m super heartbroken and I’m grieving about the future plans and idea of what i thought we could be together and also the fact that I thought i could trust him to have my back when actually everything I knew was a lie.

Updates

9 mo

Hello everyone, Thank you for all the responses. I deeply appreciate. Here is an update:

I told we needed to talk and i told i had seen a text from her calling her baby and asked why she was speaking intimately to him, and he lied and said they has a flirty dynamic but its all jokes. I revealed I saw the pictures she sent him and said I know its his ex and read all the messages. He then started panicking and saying sorry and wanted a second chance. Well, long story short, I left him.

[Losalt]

Oh boy...
*Maybe* this can be salvaged (if you feel up for it).
I don't think that he's likely to ever be *exclusive* to you.
And given how he has hurt you I totally get if you don't feel like you can ever trust him again.
But perhaps, if you sit down with him and talk with him about this you can find a solution that works for both of you?

Ultimately what's important is that you feel safe in the relationship.

Do you think that you would be able to share him?
And if yes, what would be the requirements for you to do so?

If you two can redefine "cheating" to something that he *genuinely* will honour then this *could* perhaps work.

Work out *why* he cheated.
Does he still love his ex?
Is it lust?
Was it the excitement of doing something taboo and/or wrong?
What's his *real* motivation?


As for what might work...
I'm thinking things like putting communication front and center.
And that you'll only share him on *your* terms.
So he's responsible for taking care of your feelings and wellbeing.
You having veto rights and only sharing him with people you trust etc.

If that's possible for him.

Ask him if polyfidelity is possible for him.
Or do he need to be with strangers too?

How do *you* feel about all of this?

What exactly is it that hurts about this for you?
What do *you* need to be happy?


I honestly don't have any answers for you here...

But I hope that some of these questions might be useful.

Given his behaviour I'm not exactly holding my breath...
(If you can't limit yourself to a single person you should be honest and up front about it, not lie and cheat behind peoples back...)

Anyway, only you can decide if you can ever trust him again.


Whatever you choose you have my sympathy and good wishes...

[Losalt]

I'm sorry that you two ended up in so much pain.
I hope that you'll both find happiness.

[EricSummer]

He is not going to change during your relationship and he is almost certainly going to cheat on you, now with his ex and later with others.

It is possible for a man to change in a later phase in life, fot example if he takes on a religion or meets a friend who influences him. However, this is certainly not going to happen just now in a relationship in which he already does not care enough to stop cheating.

[SakuraBlossoms87]

Be thankful you haven't wasted too much time on this douchebag. Now do yourself a favour & put him on the curb like the rest of the garbage.

There is a possibility he does see a future with you - hence why sweet - however he does NOT respect you enough not to cheat. And he WILL continue with even if you broach this event. He'll just learn to be more careful where he leaves his phone.

[SakuraBlossoms87]

I read some of your responses to others and well this is really YOUR fault for not saying to him we ARE exclusive. You've said repeatedly to others that this is not an exclusive relationship.

So he's not technically cheating if you haven't said exclusive.

It sounds like he really likes you but you fucked this up yourself by not laying down what you want and where you guys are in a relationship.

[Asker]

Hm, I dont know if I wasn’t clear in my responses. But to clarify, we are exclusive. We have had a conversation and laid down the standards that we will bring up if we are talking to anyone else. We are however not officially boyfriend/girlfriend. I told him I would not move forward into dating because he still talks to his ex knowing that she clings onto him back and flirts with him. Do you mean that it doesn't count because we aren't officially dating? He said that he only talks to her like a friend but the way he had lied that it was his realtor calling him, and the messages they exchanged said otherwise. I would say it is a form of cheating because he lied about it.

[SakuraBlossoms87]

This is exactly what you said elsewhere "we have talked about being exclusive. "

That's not exclusive and when you're not calling yourself boyfriend / girlfriend you are NOT exlusive.

Your relationship is like someone being married & calling their husband a friend - devalues the marriage.

[SakuraBlossoms87]

And yes he IS lying... about a seeming sexual relationship.

It's not cheating in the traditional sense of the word. HOWEVER he has revealed that he CAN NOT be trusted regardless of your exlusiveness or not exclusiveness. If he was a decent guy he'd have come to you and said "hey my ex wants to go for dinner" or whatever else NOT lied about it.

[Asker]

Right, I never thought about it that way. I appreciate your input. The expectation was for him to drop his ex before moving forward. I feel like that would've been the right thing to do?

or else that’s like dating a man who’s seeing other women and telling him once we get married I trust you will be loyal after we are married. I felt like I’d be fvcking myself over without seeing that he is going to put in the effort. What do you think?

[SakuraBlossoms87]

" The expectation was for him to drop his ex before moving forward. I feel like that would've been the right thing to do?"

This is a reasonable expectation but the thing is, to be blunt, with some men you have to spell out your expectations like you're dealing with a child. Usually, as with this guy, all in all such men require more effort (from a woman) than their value amounts to.

If he WAS a decent / respectable guy after all you'd NOT have had to make things as obvious as the nose on his face. There IS a reason why we call previous partners EX - it does NOT mean go back and forth between EX and our current partner.

Ultimately he's not worth your efforts and as I said put him out on the curb like the rest of the garbage.

[DermalPunch]

Yes, also, a lot of guys feel oh I treat her well she shouldn't be upset about all my side women because I tell her I love her and I don't leave/always come back after cheating. Shalt, this has become the norm from what I see. It's really discouraging. Be loyal, empathetic and up front is a handicap these days.

[Reem12345reem]

yes , and even if u forgive him , he'll cheat again bc he knows you'll give him a second chance , he'll just get better a hiding it , not all cheaters are bad or abusive , but some people cheat for different reasons even if they're great to their partners

[Asker]

are you actually 15, that is really insightful thank you. Thats how i feel in my gut even though a part of me wants to hope for the best. you're right though, I can’t stop him from doing what he wants either. I just have to leave the relationship which really sucks.

[Reem12345reem]

there's literally 8 billion people on this Earth , im sure you'll find someone who's also great , just don't disrespect yourself by staying in this reltionshiop bc Im 100% sure you'll regret it later on , nothing hurts more than losing yourself ,(and yeah im actually 15 lol)

[DermalPunch]

Cheating is abuse.

[electromagnetic]

Girl, be thankful you dodged a dirtbag without investing all your time. It’s never too late to pick up and move on from this.
I’ve dated a cheater before and I’m soo thankful to his girlfriend for calling and explaining what was actually going on.
of course it sucks and it will for a while but it’ll get better. The way I see it, not many people who cheat magically stop cheating. No matter the gender. A cheater is exactly that, a cheater and they only care about others once they’ve been caught. And being caught only teaches them to be better at actually hiding their unfaithfulness.

[EmyyWolf]

7 months isn’t long enough. But you shouldn’t be surprised.

It’s these average looking guys who want to be the biggest F-K BOYS. Be careful. I think they’re more thirsty than the hot ones. It’s why I always date hot guys only. Because they’re not as thirsty. They’ve already been there done that. Don’t be fooled by the simps. They’ve not actually “nice guys” if anything they hate women. They’re salty that women have game. They’re jealous of women. They’re porn addicted.

[Midnight_Kiss]

The same reason some women cheat because it's part of their personality, they can't blame any one or anything else it's just who they are, and they're best avoided at all costs because they will just do it to whoever they are with no matter how much they say they won't.

[Anonymous]

He will never stop cheating!

Black mom's know this well with their baby daddy's!

They will always want the sex and if it gets boring with some else they can get it!

I'm so sorry 😔 my friend tried doing 3 somes and her boyfriend just found another to chest on her with! Those gross men can't help it sadly they will always cheat!

[Opinion Owner]

So glad you left him congrats on getting free!

He deserved to be dumped and stuck with his ex. Better be a good dad after

[HippieVeganJewslim]

Not all. Some men with a strong willpower (and won’tpower) never cheat, but there are those who do once in a while. When I was hospitalised without my fiancée, an attractive lass wanted to be my girlfriend, but I swore to be just friends, and kissed just on cheek. If I were single, probably would’ve been taken by her.

[WanderingLoveWizard]

I've cheated before and I'll probably do it again if I'm being honest.

[Reem12345reem]

why do u cheat?

[Asker]

thank you for your honestly, I want to know though. What is the reason? do you feel like your partner should not have exclusivity in your sexual desires with other people? would you wish for an open relationship? why not just be single have sex? And if your partner was okay with it, would you still prefer to hide it? Is it because your partners weren’t fulfilling certain aspects? Like if you found someone perfect, would you no longer feel the want to cheat. Is cheating just meaningless sex, or more like some connection as well, the idea of having side women and having a main women at the same time? and why. Would love if you could go into a bit of detail thank you again (:

[RoosterBreast]

@WanderingLoveWizard if you're being honest then it's not cheating, but "open relationships" type.

Cheating by definition implies lying.

As @EmyyWolf said, average guys cheat more than very masculine guys, because very masculine guys are secure enough not to lie, if they're not looking for family-shit then a real man doesn't pretend to, just to win her over, through deceit. And if it's"open relationship" then it's not lying.

Why would one need to be "sweet and promising" to a woman in order to get her? Because he's not good enough otherwise? So, not a "hot" guy as they say, trickery is needed to get a weakling laid.

I'm not saying you're doing this, but in my opinion only weaklings literally "cheat". Just don't promise the sweet milky shit if you don't actually mean it. Because men aren't fearful. If anyone wants to be more fearless, try this self-hypnosis meditation:
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=dG5cZzbKvW0

[WanderingLoveWizard]

@ImtheKing2010 lol, they're all useless

[WanderingLoveWizard]

To answer the girls, I don't cheat, per se. I did once when I was 22 because I was horny as fuck. I don't plan on doing it again, but if the opportunity presented itself, I may or may not take it 🤷‍♂️

[Asker]

Hi, thanks for all yours responses, I did want to give a message to the men. I know there are a lot of of “useless women” in the world just as there as “useless men” but there are still good ones and ones who still try. I hope you will choose to be good to the ones who are good in your eyes. I offered him support, patience and kindness with him. I was there for him whenever he needed a little help getting out of a rut. I had hoped he wanted the same.

[Quigly]

Yes, Cheating is about being abusive to the person they are in a relationship, It's an insecure personality. Personality disorders are not something that just magically changes with the snap of a finger. It's who they are, especially if they refuse to seek treatment for their problem and think there's nothing wrong with them. Denial is a common trait of their mental issues.

[Anonymous]

😆😆😆, uh yeah.🙄

It's a character flaw. Decent men don't cheat. Don't believe, "moment of weakness". That's bulls***! Man or woman, I he or she has done it once they will do it again. It's only a matter ofvtime and opportunity.

[KaDooKan]

I have not cheated on a woman, I can't relate... but I have lied to avoid conflict before

the fact that his ex is still in his life would be a huge red flag

its best to set up boundaries in the beginning to avoid heartache like this

[Kaamraj]

Men who cheat are usually high value as they have more options. And a man is only loyal as his options. But saying that most men dont cheat because they can't cheat.

[slatyb]

If he's cheating on you now, it doesn't matter how nice he is when he's not cheating. You know what to do.

[Flower7]

You can’t trust him or have a future with him. Forget the niceness that he shows with you. That’s not the real him.

[Flower7]

I read your update and I’m so glad that you decided to end this relationship.

[dragoblack]

Yep. That goes for everyone who cheats. If they see it as a way out of a relationship or to use as an excuse, because their sex life has gone stale, They will cheat again, instead of addressing relationship issues like a responsible adult

[Raaj4you]

It depends on the person. Some cheat on purpose and some don't. Both men and women should learn from their mistakes. I think cheating is a bad thing. If you don't like your girlfriend / boyfriend, breakup soon. There is no need to cheat if you don't like him / her. Find another girl / man, start dating, marry soon and make babies. If you take more time to date then your mind will change again.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

Depends if they’ve learned their life lesson.

[Anonymous]

I read your entire story and all can say the ones with the good heart is the one who always suffers, I am in your shoes too and I know the feeling.

I cannot comment what needs to be done - because I am in the same place.

But in this case its better to confront him and find out whats going on. It will hurt but it will be less than compared to if you continue to be with someone who is a liar.

[CupcakeTheDestroyer]

Cheaters always cheat when the relationship loses whatever factor it is they want

[WhitneySnow]

That’s awful. I don’t know the answer to your question but I would break up with him.

[Nikki1989]

Scumbag cheaters will cheat again. Not only that, but they will freely admit to it. They really are lowlifes.

[genericname85]

probably no but why would you take the risk?