My boyfriend legitimately got mad at me because I tried to pay for food. Am I being a bad partner by trying to reciprocate?

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend spent $800 on Valentine's day. Other days he has spent hundreds of dollars on dates and gifts. I don't make nearly as much as him but I have surprised him with random gifts like expensive cologne and paid for dinner once while he was in the bathroom. Initially he seemed to appreciate those gestures. But I guess after assessing my financial situation he told me that while he appreciate the thought I don't make enough money to be paying for extra things. He told me not to attempt to buy him anything else anymore outside of my own household. The other day I noticed he didn't have many blankets so I went to target to buy him a comforter set and some candles. He said thank you but once again stated that he didn't want me buying stuff and he wanted me to focus on saving money. Me and him stay in separate households and my bills take up most of my income and he has been telling me to get a better paying job because I work so much and I don't ever take days off work. He said it's going to hinder us long term if I'm not healthy, making enough money, and have money saved up. After he spent so much on Valentine's Day I told him that I felt like he should save money and we could focus on saving together. We have discussed moving in together and he said he wanted me but he needed to see I was better at saving money. Most of my money goes to my bills which are about $2000 a month. Well today we went to McDonald's and ordered food. He was already irritated because he was running late for work. I went to pay for the food and I could tell he was just extremely irritated. He calmly told me that he was tired of reminding me to stop paying for stuff that I couldn't afford but he was clearly so angry I could feel the tension I had to literally pray to feel some peace. He paid for the food and was silent and irritated the whole ride back to my place.

[bycrazy]

It sounds like your boyfriend's frustration may be coming from a place of concern for your financial well-being and the long-term stability of your relationship. While his intentions might be rooted in wanting what's best for both of you, the way he communicates his concerns could be impacting you negatively.

Here are a few things to consider:

Communication is Key: It's crucial to have open and honest communication about your financial situation and goals. Talk about your concerns, listen to his, and try to find common ground. Discussing these matters calmly and respectfully can help both of you understand each other better.

Express Your Intentions: Make it clear to your boyfriend that your gestures are not meant to strain your finances but come from a place of love and appreciation. Let him know that you understand the importance of saving money and are actively working towards financial stability.

Set Clear Boundaries: If your boyfriend has specific concerns about your spending habits, work together to establish clear boundaries and guidelines that make both of you comfortable. This might involve creating a budget or finding ways to save money without sacrificing thoughtful gestures.

Seek Compromise: Find a middle ground that allows you to show your love and appreciation without causing financial stress. This could involve smaller, budget-friendly gestures or finding creative ways to express your feelings without spending a lot of money.

Personal Finances: It's important for both partners in a relationship to have a good understanding of their personal finances and work towards shared financial goals. If he suggests you focus on saving money, consider having a discussion about how you both can contribute to your financial well-being.

Remember that every relationship is unique, and it's essential to find solutions that work for both of you. If communication becomes challenging, consider seeking the advice of a financial counselor or relationship therapist to help navigate these conversations and find common ground.

[Oliverlogan263]

Sis, I understand why you want to contribute and reciprocate when he's spending so much money on you, but it does sound like he has valid concerns about your finances. A few thoughts:

- Your bills taking up most of your income is a red flag that you may not be in the best position to be spending extra right now.

- It was kind of you to get him gifts, but he's right that little things here and there can add up when money is tight.

- Focus on having an open conversation to understand each other's finances and come to an agreement you're both comfortable with.

- Could you look for ways to cut back your expenses so you can save more each month as he's asked? Things like cooking at home more often, watching for sales, downsizing if needed?

- Make sure you're taking care of your physical/mental health too - it won't do your relationship good if you run yourself ragged working too much.

- His reaction was over the top, but money stresses tend to stir strong emotions. Give each other some grace as you sort this out.

It may be hard to accept right now, but try seeing it from his perspective too. With open communication and compromise, I'm sure you can find a balanced way to move forward together. Hang in there - you've got this!

[kylee2437]

I don’t think you are being a bad partner for wanting to reciprocate and he is a great boyfriend for giving you this opportunity. Can I ask why your finances aren’t aligned by chance? Is it because of the type of job you are at? Is it because he feels like you aren’t a responsible spender? I think there’s a bigger issue that is being ignored and may cause problems later on in this relationship if it isn’t talked about and possibly resolved in this very moment. Him simply paying for things doesn’t solve much when he has an obvious goal in mind that you both will financially will be contributing later on.

[aceleon]

at first i thought his only worth in his eyes were his money but as i read it i just see he fears you are not capable of keeping money and fears you will spent it unnecessarily if you 2 live together.

[BarryLiverstone]

Yes, in this case you should have let him pay. You should learn other ways to help him when he is irritated like that. Clearly he told you to save your money, right?

[HelpfulWoman]

ew ew ew ew