Bulimia and general eating disorder advice? help?

[Anonymous]

I'm 17 and I've had severe bulimia for the past two years. I was diagnosed at 15 and went to inpatient treatment and that was the longest time I went purge free in years to be honest. Now I just moved away from my mom who I found to be very triggering and I moved in with my grandma who lives out of state and am going to community college with plans to transfer to a 4 year. I'm going crazy because I've been binging and purging massive amount of food multiple times a day with hardly any days where I eat healthily and a normal amount. I find it hard to stop purging because I can't stop binge eating and it's just a cycle. I'm not even thin I'm 137 pounds 5'8". I used to weigh 117 pounds but that was the lowest weight. I feel terrible because I'm hiding it from everyone because for the most part my family thinks I'm recovered. I'm definitely not and its like I'm leading a double life. It's so addicting and I really don't know how to stop. I'm already in medical debt from my first round in treatment and my mom is still paying it off. Does anyone have any advice with this stuff? I think I screwed my digestive system because I can hardly digest a meal. Also I seriously have no energy anymore /: I just want to recover

[ThisAndThat]

First you should learn to recognize your symptoms and figure out what it is that causes you to react the way you're reacting. Not that somebody makes you mad that's not it. But why you run your finger down your throat when somebody makes you mad as opposed to slamming cabinet doors instead of making yourself vomit. You need to catch yourself before that happens so you can avoid it. You need to learn how to deal with the stress. Avoid everything if possible that makes those connections until you can retrain yourself not to relate stress to running your fingers down your throat. I was like you once. I didn't run my fingers down my throat but I'll put it this way, I wouldn't go in public for long periods of time weeks or months.

[Asker]

It's more or less a coping mechanism I've always related to release. I'm very type a and at times feel overburdened and I guess the feeling of eating copious amounts of food and seeing no limits and than "releasing" everything into the toilet bowl is just my high. I really don't have anger issues but more or less i feel if I was thinner it would make everything in my life better which is t true but it's how I value myself. I think it's mostly my self esteem versus something causing it. I have a distorted view of myself and even when I was stick and bones I've always viewed myself as needing to lose weight to compensate for other negative attributes. I don't know, I'm very type a and its kinda like a sphere of control for me like food, binging, weight, purging. It's always been and this relapse has brought me to a very dark place and I'm trying to get better in hopes of not ruining the good things I do have going. Thank you for the sincere response by the way. And I can relate with the wanting to stay

[Asker]

Indoors or not wanting to visit your old friends because of an existential crisis you feel no one will understand. I'm hoping I can overcome this relapse though.

[ThisAndThat]

I completely understand the pressure it's a lot to go through but with the right approach you can beat it. Your weight isn't bad at all you just need to keep it steady. I know it's a hard time of year nearing winter, but try getting out at least once a day and walk a couple of miles. Other people contribute to the load you are carrying so don't be bashful asking them for help when you need it. Try keeping notes if possible and when something bothers you to the point you feel yourself wanting to spit up, next time skip spitting it up and instead use that time frame to write down everything, how you feel, what it was that lead you there. Then when you're doing better refer back to what you wrote down if it doesn't bother you and remember you beat it. And one other thing and this is important, when you're down on yourself look to those like you your friends or family and ask yourself, how do they get by without the need of spitting up, then remember you can do it too just like them.

[Mesonfielde]

No matter how addictive it might seem, you lack energy because you throw up what you'd consume for energy. Continuing what you're doing would just kill you.

[Asker]

I've been doing it for a lonngggg time and if I already knew that. I do it because I seriously cannot stop. It's a compulsive addictive behavior which is why it's a mental illness.

[Mesonfielde]

Don't you just have to prevent yourself from doing it? I mean, you KNOW it's bad, you KNOW it's seen as a mental illness.

[shadowlegend]

You need to admit it to yourself, and seek another adult that you trust, to admit it to, so you can move forwards. Acknowledging your problem is brave, and only then can you have any hope of improving your situation.

[Asker]

Yep honestly I'm in such denial right now. I'm just scared to recover I guess :/ I feel like I've been isolating myself a lot lately as well but I hardly have the energy anymore. I just have enough energy to b/p hah

[shadowlegend]

It starts with you valuing yourself enough to acknowledge the problem, and also that you want help.

[Asker]

It's difficult to acknowledge my problem is even real honestly. It feels like just a normal everyday thing which is just terrible. I don't even know how to eat properly either honestly.

[shadowlegend]

Is there another person you can just admit it to?

[Asker]

I talk regularly to my mother and brother who know I have an issue and I can speak openly About it with them so i guess in my next phone call I can admit I've had a relapse.

[Zendrya]

Try talking to a school counselor that would probably be free. I hope you get through this!