How can I stop seeking external validation?

[Anonymous]

Mostly looking for girls answers here because only girls will really get it. All my life I have struggled deeply with self image and reduced my value to what I look like and what other people think of me. It wasn’t until this summer after lots of work on myself - both physically and mentally - that I finally felt confident in who I was and like I was where I needed to be. However, following sorority rush this week, I got dropped before pref night for my two top choices, which completely blindsided me. Note: I’m at a small liberal arts college, I’m a legacy, I am conventionally attractive, I know girls in my top choices, have an excellent GPA, and am in the proper social tier to be getting bids - plus, I felt like conversations went great! (Another note, I am not as cocky in person as I seem in this rant). My top two choices only took 10 and 6 bids, respectively, neither of which I was included in... but all of my friends were. This completely blindsided me and shattered the image of myself I had created because I really did feel like I was a lock for at least one of these sororities. I guess what it came down to was this: if the version of myself I have worked so hard to perfect and feel good about isn’t enough, what the hell is? On top of that, I’ve had some really troubling experiences with men, as the past two guys I slept with really just completely used me for my body. I have the weirdest sense of what sometimes feels like narcissism mixed with crazy low self esteem. The real question here though isn’t why didn’t I get picked and why do boys use me, it’s more how can I stop valuing myself based off of how others treat me and perceive me? Please help. Thanks!

[MittenstheGlove]

This takes amazing self-awareness so congratulation on arriving here. I know I’m not a woman but I was just talking with another friend about this. She’s pretty attractive too. But her latest ex cheated.


First thing I think we need to identify is why you feel the need for validation and to do that I will ask some questions: Do you date guys that you feel are conventionally attractive? Do you feel your personality changes when you talk to those people (Can you be yourself)? Do you feel you have a captivating personality?

[Asker]

Hi!
I do feel like I go for guys who are conventionally attractive, even in some cases guys I didn’t think were even in my league in the last. I try very hard not to let my personality change around boys and it wasn’t until probably last year that I stopped trying to present differently around new people. I don’t know if my personality is captivating. Around new people - especially other women - I am VERY extraverted and conversational, which most girls take as friendliness but I’m sure some have found annoying. The people I am close with have told me I have a great personality, but I think that’s a matter of opinion

[MittenstheGlove]

I’m so sorry for getting back so late. Easier said than done, but your validation stems from your need to be perceived by others as attractive. Not just men you’re attracted to, but others as well. I think you’re going to have to understand the unimportance of other’s perception of you in this instance. It’s going to be a strictly mental and emotional battle over self-assuredness vs. validation.

[nonratracereality]

Its unfortunate because I see the overall point for men women or boys and girls and you shouldn't reject answers from the male community on the basis they have no knowledge false. It starts with you. Maturity intelligence and responsibility. Those traits will allow you to grow and appreciate what you bring to the world. High standards will allow you not only the luxury but the peace in being eith people who share your affirmation. Love you because loving without living you gives s false feeling that will eventually rear its ugly head and you'll be left with unanswered questions and wondering why thus happens to you. Everything requires work there's no way around it. It either starts with you or ends with you your choice. You are the best person in the world it's just the world doesn't know it yet.

[JaneDoe377]

Remember that people are just people which means they're FINE- fucked up, insecure, neurotic and emotional. Some hide it more than others. No one is better than anyone else because of what job they have, activities they're a part of, their aesthetics or any other thing in the world, despite what people think. Realizing it can only set one free from anxiety.