"Victim Blaming" Why Do Some People Have This Blame The Victim Mindset?

[Brainsbeforebeauty]

Ok this mytake is a result of my recent question:

Do You Think People Who've Suffered Abuse Have More Trust Issues Than Those Who Haven't?

And a few replies on this post where it seems like blame was being put on the victim. Do people not see though that when you put blame on the victim you are victimizing them again.

What is victim Blaming?

Some responses that disturbed me were "if they chose to stay they're at fault" .... To which I responded "Say that to a small child being abused by their parent". Why, why do people try to blame anyone young or old, for the horrible actions of someone else?

Here's an insert of one answer and why you should not blame or shame victims:

Don't be responsible for making someone suffer more for something not their fault

And even if the victim was an adult at the time of abuse is still no reason to blame them. This 'victims choose to be victimized, they seek out abusers" is not always true. There is red flags sometimes, but not ALWAYS. Abuse doesn't always happen from day one, sometimes it can be months or even years before the abuse starts. And abuse is never just physical or sexual, it's also always emotional. The abuser gets into their victims head to where they believe it's their fault or they deserve it. And if people, society treats victims the same, well that makes it even easier for abusers to convince their victims.

Instead of judging, shaming, blaming victims maybe try treating them with empathy and respect and caring that they didn't receive from their abusers.

But it's not just abuse where you see this mindset. How many times when someone gets cheated on, do people try to put the blame on the person being cheated on..... When the blame should be on the cheater alone....

I'm a big believer of it takes two. Two to make or break a relationship. So it can easily be the fault of both why a relationship is having issues. Lack of communication being a big reason. But there is ever only one and one person only to blame for the act of cheating.

*****THE CHEATER*****

So to those who've been cheated on, always remember:

And for those who are so quick to blame the cheated on partner and make excuses for the cheater, just remember you could easily find yourself being that partner that was cheated on, because:

Unfortunately, we seem to have become a society that can only have empathy or understanding if they've personally gone through it. You may not ever personally know exactly how someone feels unless you've been in their shoes, but at least try to be more understanding and respectful to people that have been victims. Do not be guilty of victimizing people more.

Thank you for reading 💜💜

"Brainsbeforebeauty"😘

[Samoht_Sirrom1]

Before anyone starts trying to contradict or argue any of this, please realize I was sexually assaulted as a child and this I feel my view point is legitimate.

Also If you have been through anything like this apologize if it brings back any flashbacks, I'm only putting it here in order to give an accurate insight into how/why this continues to happen.

Okay first I think societies biggest mistake (in this subject) is the terms used.


Victim a person harmed, injured, or killed as a result of a crime, accident, or other event or action.


Survivor a person who survives, especially a person remaining alive after an event in which others have died.

As you can see a victim indicates harmed while a survivor is someone who got through it.

As long as people believe they are harmed, damaged or broken they have NOT reached the point of being a survivor.

It is Wrong to tell a victim it is their fault for whatever happened. It is Wrong to say "Well if you had just..." Or " Why didn't you... ", however I also understand the other side "If I were in that situation I would have done this". Point of fact some of the biggest victim blamers are in fact the victim themself "Why didn't I just call..." Or " Whe didn't I just tell when... Asked me if everything was okay" maybe "Why didn't I let the cops know when my family sent them for a welfare check?" "I must be dirty, that's why this keeps happening to me"

simple answer to most of these is a feeling of powerlessness "If you tell anyone I'll torture you, kill you, kill your family" "I know where you live, I know where your family lives" and of course "If I go to jail my friends won't be happy and they'll hunt you down and kill you in the slowest most painful way possible"

[Brainsbeforebeauty]

Thank you so much for your answer!!! I agree with EVERYTHING in this reply! And agree with the survivor 💯 one thing I was remiss in adding.. But can't update our edit mytakes... But this here, explained what I'm trying to get people to understand! Again, THANK YOU! 💜🙂👍

[Brainsbeforebeauty]

And also sorry for what you went through as a child... But you're a survivor!

[Samoht_Sirrom1]

I moved on long ago decided that it didn't define me and only wish that the other person gets help (they ended up raping a girl 2 years after me and went to jail for that, though they got off clean with my case)

[Brainsbeforebeauty]

That's horrible... That's where the focus should be, getting these abusers/criminals off the streets not on trying to shame or blame victims. The more that happens, the more victims might choose to remain silent or too shamed to try to get help...

[Samoht_Sirrom1]

Well either way I'm glad you liked my answer and that it brought out the purpose of your question so well. I guess for me the worse part of what happened is that not one single female has a had any interest in me whatsoever, almost as though they instinctively feel I'm bad, damaged or something else. Which has left me quite alone and lonely.

[Brainsbeforebeauty]

That is there loss then and not yours. The right woman for you will love and respect you even more for what you've been through and survived! Shows the real strength you have!!

[Samoht_Sirrom1]

@Brainsbeforebeauty I have a question I'd like you to answer (under arts and entertainment) about a poem.

[Vmm90]

Absolutely great MyTake.

It isn't only others who may do victim blaming, victims often blame themselves too.

I have been emotionally abused twice and sexually assaulted once.

It is a hard thing to open up about as there is a fear that someone will say it's my fault etc.

I actually had a conversation with someone about abuse at work today. Around how it is still misunderstood. I find one big issue around emotional abuse is, it takes a long time to get over because you essentially have to retrain your brain and how it thinks.

After being exposed to it for so long, you end up gaslighting yourself, even after the abuser is gone. You still maintain thinking the way they made you feel as well as what they said. It takes work to heal and get to the other side.

Sadly enough I have had someone tell me I deserved it, mainly because they were not getting their way. I am now confident in knowing I didn't deserve it, I know I am a good person who was kind and caring. I have also been told I am cocky as well because of this.

Anyone who has been through assault or abuse is a survivor. It's never as simple as one may think it is and it is not the survivors fault.

[Brainsbeforebeauty]

So so true... And you called the one thing I in hindsight meant to add. That not just victims but survivors, but can't edit or update mytakes 🙁 but that you know you're a survivor, that's great! That people suffer abuse, and not just by the original abuser, but by others or by society, doesn't show a weak person, shows REAL STRENGTH 💜💜💜🤗

[OlderAndWiser]

Sometimes, the idea of fault gets mangled when we are dealing with emotionally-laden topics. I think that is the case with "victim blaming."

If I am the victim of someone coming into my house and stealing my possessions, the perpetrator is a criminal, they beat full responsibility for their actions, they should be prosecuted and convicted, and I hope they send a few years in prison for the crime.

But. . . what if I live in a high crime area, I am aware of that, and I carelessly leave my house unlocked and the blinds open so that it is obvious I am not at home. I have been careless and have made it easier for the criminal to perpetrated their crime. Pointing out my carelessness as a contribution factor does not relieved the perpetrator of criminal responsibility but it is a way to encourage me to be more careful with my behavior.

If we lived in an ideal world, crime wouldn't happen and I could house unlocked without any concern about break-ins and theft. But we both know that this world is far from ideal, precautions are necessary, and when people fail to take reasonable precautions, that fact should not be ignored.

[Brainsbeforebeauty]

When that's the case. But that's not always the case. And it's not just blaming, it can be shaming. There was a question on here"Would you have sex with someone that was sexually molested?" Why wouldn't someone? Like what now, that person is just damaged goods or less than? Especially if that happened at childhood. Children should never be blamed or grow up to be shamed for someone abusing them...

[OlderAndWiser]

Yes, that is a horrible response to the example you cited.

[Brainsbeforebeauty]

Read the mho answer, he explained it so well cuz so many guys answering about women raped, but this take wasn't bout just that, all abuse suffered and boys/men can get molested or abused as well

[OlderAndWiser]

I read the MHO answer and it applies mostly to children who are powerless to resist when abuse occurs. That is not the situation I was addressing.

Some girls think they should be able to walk down the street nude without fear of anything happening to them and it is not their fault if something does happen. In a perfect world, v these girls are right but, again, we don't live in a perfect world. Would you send a 12 year old girl outsider nude to play with the neighborhood boys? Of course not. Why? Because you know what kind of bad things can happen. If you do that, nothing the potential consequences, and she is molested by those boys, they are criminally responsible for their actions. But. . . should you not feel any responsibility for sending her outside nude?

Imagine you decide to go outside nude knowing that your next door neighbor is a perv. If he assaults you, he is responsible, but didn't you do something rather dumb? Couldn't you have prevented this occurrence?

No, victims don't always have the ability to prevent harm or foresee harmful consequences. I am only saying that someone who foresee potential harm should take reasonable precautions in this imperfect world.

[Brainsbeforebeauty]

I agree, but what happens when the perpetrator breaks into your home or lives in your home? Women aren't just raped because they walking down streets naked... And so what if she walking to her car she work? It'll still be her fault cuz she should know self defense... There's always a way to blame the victim, but why? Focus on getting abusers/criminals off the streets. The more people shame or blame victims, the less that come forward or seek the help to either get away from their abuser or the help getting counseling... And the more abusers/criminals that get away with it and will continue to abuse/victimize others.

[OlderAndWiser]

I think I made it clear that I am talking about situations in which people failed to take reasonable precautions. I am wondering if you have been a victim at some time and this issue is personal to you. I am certainly not trying to say anything that might apply to you in particular.

[Brainsbeforebeauty]

Taking precautions doesn't guaranty 100% someone will not be the victim of abuse/assault... And even those that don't take precautions, don't mean they deserve to be attacked. There seems to be way too much sympathy or excuses these days for people that commit crimes than actual victims. I've seen other posts about the horrible conditions of prisons and rape that goes on in prisons. Yet didn't those people choose to commit a crime, their fault they're in prison, so isn't it they get what they get, then 🤷🏼‍♀️ or does that only apply to women and how they dress? That's the issue I have. The hypocrisy...

[OlderAndWiser]

"Taking precautions doesn't guaranty 100% someone will not be the victim of abuse/assault..."
Of course not. There are very few guarantees in life, but. . . do you lock your house at night before you go to sleep? Do you lock your car when you go shopping somewhere?

"And even those that don't take precautions, don't mean they deserve to be attacked."
Did I ever say that anyone deserved to be attacked?

"There seems to be way too much sympathy or excuses these days for people that commit crimes than actual victims."
Did I ever express sympathy for criminals? Did I not say – repeatedly – that criminals should be held accountable and punished accordingly?

"I've seen other posts about the horrible conditions of prisons and rape that goes on in prisons. Yet didn't those people choose to commit a crime, their fault they're in prison, so isn't it they get what they get"
Absolutely!

"or does that only apply to women and how they dress? That's the issue I have. The hypocrisy..."
I repeatedly said that my argument only applies to people who fail to take reasonable precautions, and that it does not in any way excuse criminal behavior.

* * * * *

I am getting the idea that you have been the victim of a sexual assault and that this issue is far too personal for you to respond in any way other than emotionally charged and argumentative. We have been online friends for several months and I would like for us to continue that way so I am not going to respond any further to this thread.

[Brainsbeforebeauty]

I'm not being argumentative. People can voice their opinions, take on it, but if I do I'm emotionally charged. Just read all the comments. Everybody is so quick to mention just rape, even though this take talked about way more than that. Or tried to make it personally about me. Even it's more about the hypocrisy I see on this site everyday. Men that blame women for everything. Sorry if you took what I thought a discussion as other then what it was

[meetkitty123]

When I was small I often heard my mom & aunts speak of a man (never named but I knew it was a relative) who would be sexually inappropriate with them as kids.
One time I butted in & asked who. I was told I did not need to know I need to just love my family members all the same.
When I became a teen I had a female cousin who shared with me the family secret. I found it hard to believe so I asked the adults. I was told you know she is mentally unwell. She makes these things up. I wasn't convince because she was my closest cousin & best friend too. To drive the point in my aunts said "hasn't she just come out of the mental hospital?" Her word can't be trusted.
They were rather convincing. If my cousin spoke anymore about the subject Id listen politely but never let it sink in as I believed my aunts when they said she was not well.
One day a male family member who I adored & trusted came over asking for my mom. I let him in. He attempted to assault me. I got away & told before anything too bad happened. I had some bruises though.
My aunt's & mom gathered while the men of the family went after my attacker. What I discovered was he knew where my mom was & he knew I was home alone. In my opinion he planned it.
mean while my aunt's who I expected to be compassionate turned on me. I was accused of initiating the attack. I was mocked saying I'm too friendly or I was dumb to answer the door ("trusted" family member remember) Or I should have handled myself better (didn't I get away?). I should be ashamed of myself for getting my neighbors involved & trying to convince them to call the police. This was a family matter not a public matter. What would people say about our family? Our familys name is well known and respected. If we are shamed it's your fault. (We have some people in small local politics & some involved in the church we weren't famous 🙄) They continud this wouldn't have happened if you weren't outspoken too forward, too affectionate & the way you Dress. The list kept going.
I remember wondering if I wasn't believed why was the family men chasing the man down. If I was lying why would he have ran home & packed? Then it dawned on me. They do believe me. They know I am telling the truth. They want to silence me. (Light bulb) As they did my cousin who they kept hospitalizing. OMG my cousin wasn't lying the grown ups were.
I got mad jumped up & snapped if I'm a whore for trusting him you're all 10xs the whore because you allowed him to do it to you & now you are allowing him to go after your kids. instead of warning us against him you raised us to trust & love him. My cousin isn't crazy you all are. if she is crazy it because you guys driven her to insanity. You should all be ashamed. We are innocent but you all are dirty sick old whores.
I shocked them into silence & walked out.
Nothing was done to the man. My mom invited him over 3 weeks later. I threatened to stab him if she let him in. Soon my family was dragging me to a psychiatrist. Finally I had enough. I called my father living in the USA. I told him if he didn't bring me to the states he would never hear from me again. I'd either die at my own hands or murdered because I'm planning to run away. I don't know how true this was part of me feels it was a bluff but I am so glad I never had to find out. My father took me back with him. he was convinced by my family that I was a delinquent on drugs and prostituting. It was difficult. I had to prove myself to him. When he took me to get on the pill I dragged him in and had the doc tell him what she knew from my exam. I was a virgin. Eventually he saw through my families lies. He & I are now closer than ever. There's still a strain towards my mom's family.

[Brainsbeforebeauty]

I'm so sorry for what you went through. I wish would of replied sooner. This would of been an mho answer. Do meant men have replied to this still blaming women for rape. But this mytake was about ALL abuse not just adult women. And men, and boys suffer abuse as well. Yet no mention of that either. Most of the replies are just about women either being raped or playing the rape card. Again that's not what this take was about. It was about any person being shamed or blamed like what you went through at the hands of what was supposed to be family, supposed to protect you. And sadly that happens in more households than people realize. I'm so glad your dad came and got you and kept you safe 💜💜💜🤗🤗

[meetkitty123]

He my rock. I forgave him for not believing me. after all I was the kid and grown ups aren't supposed to lie. His handling of me was borderline abusive he was so strict I lived in lockdown with a strict shore policy he was an Authoritarian parent any form of opinion was considered talking back but I understand that he was simply trying to straighten me out because he was lied to & he thought I needed to be disciplined. he wanted me to succeed clearly if any child is misbehaving on drugs or into sexual activities a parent would be concerned. I realized quickly that there was just no way to get him to believe me by words so I had to show him I behaved I got good grades and the moment I was able to go to that doctor's office (apparently someone recommended I'd be put on the pill especially if I was acting promiscuous) I begged her to check for proof of virginity I even requested that he stand behind a screen in the same room so he could hear their conversation I was just desperate to prove my innocence in all aspects I guess some things were awkward but I do not regret that doctor's visit that was when he finally started to look at me differently he was shocked that was the first evidence I had that my mom lied to him after a year-and-a-half teachers begin to tell him that I did not belong in delinquent classes first of all I was too well-behaved and second I was too smart for that type of class
To this day he says I was his most easy-going child.
And he regrets that year-and-a-half of being harsh on me. By 12th grade I had no friends because I was never allowed to leave the house or do normal teen stuff when he loosen the reins I really didn't care to go anywhere I was used to being a homebody and I was socially awkward and I thought I had nothing in common with the other kids had grown too much too fast
But I still can't blame him at least he was trying to protect me unlike my mom

[meetkitty123]

I saw the post way earlier but it triggered me so I shied away from it for days all of a sudden today I started to write about it and I realized I was writing it in the wrong post It had nothing to do with what I was supposed to be writing and that's when I realized okay I'm ready to talk about it my mind is clearly writing it out so I finished writing it on that other person's post highlighted and cut then I left an opinion correctly on that person's post & I went in search for yours it was a challenge to find it again I did a lot of digging found it I clicked the box hit paste and sent the story in

[Brainsbeforebeauty]

Thank you so much for sharing your story. So people can see the affects it had on someone. And glad you survived overcame and that you are able to have a great relationship with your dad!! And Mho answer in my book

[meetkitty123]

Thank you

[Brainsbeforebeauty]

💜🙂👍

[Shezadi]

Victim blaming and shaming is more prevalent in Asian countries. And it's so ingrained. I say this as an Asian. I have seen victim blaming and shaming in all cases be it honour killings, domestic abuse, forced marriages, acid attacks, rapes and harassment.

The most honour killing in Pakistan was Qandeel Baloch, who was killed by her brother for making provocative videos on social media. And even today, millions of Pakistani men and women justify her honour killing by judging her character.

In Pakistan, father can legally forgive his son if he murders his sister in the name of honour. And if the girl was an orphan then a brother can legally forgive his brother for killing his sister in the name of honour. And the mother and sister's opinion is not even asked. This loophole has been made on purpose by the lawmakers to allow men to get away with honour killings.

As a result, one fifth of world's honour killings are recorded in Pakistan. At least, 1000 honour killings are reported in Pakistan. Honour killings happen on a daily basis.

It even happened in my mom's village. And you won't believe my own aunties justified the honour killing despite being women. They were blaming and shaming a dead victim by judging her character and said she deserved it just because she tried running away with a guy. Her brother dragged her home, slaughtered her with a knife and shot her in the head. And the father forgave his son because he thinks his son saved his honour.

And they went to the police station to get the girl's innocent boyfriend jailed just for trying to run away with his girlfriend which is technically not even illegal. And guess what the police jailed him just for trying to run away with his girlfriend but didn't jail the brother because the police also supports honour killings and the father forgave his son legally.

tAnd even though, the father refused to forgive his son and his son confessed murder on camera laughing.

Still, the case went on for three years because even the male judge supported honour killings.

[Brainsbeforebeauty]

Omg that is so horrible. Yeah I know someone who used to watch videos of stuff like that like it was cool or funny. But I wonder/wondered would he have thought so if it was one of his sisters?

[Shezadi]

That's a good question. And Qandeel Baloch was one of the top ten most googled people in Pakistan, which means Pakistani men secretly enjoyed watching her but at the same time wanted her to be killed to "save" their culture and Islam. That's the hypocrisy. Muslim men secretly lust women but on the outside shame them for not even modest enough. But if they are angels and saints, then why did they enjoy watching her videos. According to the Quran, men are also supposed to lower their gaze. Modesty is also about your gaze and tongue. Looking at women, abusing them, backbiting is also haram. The Islamic scholar called Mufti Qavi first preached modesty to her on national television and when the camera turned off, he invited her home to sleep with her. And she exposed him by making his video.

[Brainsbeforebeauty]

Yeah hypocrisy is everywhere...

[Tiffany_Taylor_Made]

Some people refuse to take responsibility for their own actions. As a result, they are likely to shift the blame to other people, especially the person that was victimized. If the victim blamer was the perpetrator, he would be likely to blame the victim for his or her own victimization to take the pressure off himself. For example, a guy that pulls off a drive-by shooting and shoots an innocent person would likely say, "Well, he shouldn't have been out there at that time" to take the pressure off himself. Because of this, he wouldn't feel as guilty and he could possibly hope to convince others that he was not entirely at fault no matter how irrational his defense might sound.

If the victim blamer wasn't the perpetrator, victim blaming could be a result of defending a belief or whatever group he is a part of. For example, if the victim blamer is a man with a negative opinion on women, let's say a MGTOW MRA supporter, and a woman claims that she was raped, he would attempt to blame the woman for her own rape, such as by saying she was probably dressed provocatively. In his mind, he likely views her accusation as an attack on men and blames the woman for her own rape in an attempt to defend men and/or his belief system that forms his negative views.

In some cases, the victim could be reasonably blamed. While a person is not fully responsible for being a victim because the perpetrators shouldn't have victimized him or her in the first place, a person's own foolish actions could still increase his or her chances of becoming a victim. For example, a young woman that forms relationships with known violent criminals or abusers are likely to become victims of violent crimes and/or abuse themselves. If she does become a victim, she could be blamed for that due to knowing about that person's character and not making better choices. You can make similar arguments with police encounters. For instance, if a person attempts to take a cop's gun or points a gun at a cop, if he becomes the victim of a police shooting, his own actions are to blame.

[Brainsbeforebeauty]

I love your answer. You hit the nail on the head here... And gave a good example of how you could put yourself at risk for abuse. Instead of the of a women walks down the street provacitively dressed crap some guys were saying on here. Cuz most abuse is by People known to the victim. And sometimes it's innocent children at the hands of their parent or another family member. And I agree with the last part 💯 sad that these days there's more support for those victims then victims of abuse. Thanks for your great reply 💜MHO was already selected early so people talking stupid could read the abuse both a male and female user suffered as children and the threats, and mind control perpetrators can have on their victims, especially children. But mho answer in my book 💜🙂

[Lliam]

I couldn't agree more when it comes to victim blaming.

Many abusers are narcissists. People should look up narcissistic personality disorder and see how narcissists manipulate people into being in love/dependent on them before gradually becoming more and more controlling and abusive.

Some abusers are just sadistic. Think of someone who would abuse a child.

In some cases, it takes two to tango, as you said. In those cases, it might be a matter of poor communication skills on the part of both parties or they could both be abusers.

When it comes to cheaters, many are simply self-involved and selfish. They only think of their own appetites. Some might be sociopaths who are incapable of empathizing with others. Some might simply be immature like spoiled children.

The abusers, not their victims, are to blame. That being said, many abusers, especially sociopaths and narcissists actually see themselves as the victims. "I beat that guy and stole his watch because... he was rich and could afford it, or he was a shit head, or he didn't deserve to be so successful, or..." They always have an excuse. Their victim taunted them or didn't treat them right.

So people should take care when automatically assuming that someone claiming to be a victim actually IS a victim. You need all the facts.

I've had friends tell me how badly their ex partner had treated them. I empathized and thought their ex was an ass hole. But then I got their exes side of the story, I had to rethink my initial conclusion.

I had one relationship in my early 30s in which a girl I had known in junior high and high school called me up out of the blue. She was a couple years younger than me and I didn't go to school with her. She had been the neighbor of one of my best friends. We all used to swim in my friend's pool. Back then, I loved the girl's hair color and skin tone and thought she had the cutest ass in the world.

So when she called, I invited her over. We wound up dating. She told me how abusive her husband was and said she was near the end of divorce proceedings. I believed what she said about her husband. But as time passed, I started learning more about her. Come to find out, her husband was a stand up guy and she was actually nuttier than a fruitcake. Not a narcissist or scheming sociopath, but clinically nuts. She started accusing ME of being a monster. I was really, really glad to be rid of her.

So it goes to show that you can't always believe the person who claims to be the victim. Again, you need the facts. But I still agree with EVERYTHING you said in your take.

[Brainsbeforebeauty]

Great answer 💜 broken record again lol you gonna owe me a new needle soon lol
And agree, some do lie... But not every one, and those that do should be criminally charged, because of the affect they have in those they are falsely accusing, which is slander, but the affect it has on real victims. Real victims should not have to suffer being disbelieved because of someone else's lies

[Lliam]

Yup. Slander should be punished. So should physical abuse. But most forms of abuse don't fall into that category.
As you said, real victims shouldn't be shamed or blamed for having been abused. Unfortunately, I think it's women who are most often blamed for having been abused. Shit like "She asked for it" pisses me off.

[Brainsbeforebeauty]

Right! Noone child or adult, man or women deserves to be abused physically, sexually, or emotionally by someone... Knew you'd get that! Thank you for being you 💜🙂🤗

[Lliam]

❤️ ***

[btbc92]

Great myTake and well done! I always say there are plenty of victims but not every one is equal. You have responsible victims and irresponsible ones. The responsible victims have always done things responsibly and still sadly become the victim of life's circumstances. The irresponsible ones tend to never really care about the responsibility, then only wants to claim victim after they choose to do wrong. I have seen many that deliberately chose to put themselves In Harm's Way just so they can seek attention. You don't even have to seek attention and you get the wrong ones anyway.

People blame when they can't handle the responsibility of their own bias choices. This world needs to change big time. I have seen responsible rape victims get shamed just for being a victim every though thyme were dressed covered. I have seen many who knew the dangers of attracting the wrong people. Few learned others did not. We have too many mixed messages and lack of awareness going on. We don't just need more empathy, we need more courage to speak out against the discrimination of victims. And the predujice of it. And teach victims how to be more safer in a world that's getting even more unsafe. Those who are willing to learn may end up preserving their life and others. Those who don't are taking chances with fate. What makes it worse is that they have programs, books, advice columns, Etc and the law that tells you what you should and shouldn't do, and people would rather forgo knowledge for ignorance.

[btbc92]

And I'm not talking about children who don't know better. I'm talkin about grown adults who do know better and thinks because they're an adult they don't have to listen.

[Brainsbeforebeauty]

Great great answer 💜💜💜

[Miristheiss]

I do not know what you are talking about.
I rarely see anyone blaming the victim.
At most I see people not 100% absolving some for every decision they made.
They expect that the moment an assault takes place people must instantly absolve them of everything they did up to that point.

I've read some blogs/message board advice stories recently where things like this are sort of in play.

Both involve women cheating or getting assaulted and the fallout falls into various camps. Several are throwing around the "you're blaming the victim" in both cases.

One was a woman in a relationship, she was out of town or the boyfriend was out of town and she went out clubbing, was drinking flirting with the guy, dancing, hanging with him, took a cab with them... etc. It basically ends up with her having sex with him or getting raped.

The boyfriend is done with her... and many are expecting that because she was assaulted... apparently because she drank a lot and her memory of it all isn't even too clear... because of that fact they expect him to take her back with open arms and become 100% sympathetic and be there in total support of her as a victim and that victimhood should absolve all that happened before that. Many would consider their mate out clubbing and drinking and flirting with another man as cheating and that in and of itself is enough to end it with her... regardless of what happened later.

Another was a wife traveling for work, in Vegas, elected to stay 2 additional days after the conference ended to hang out with her work friends... she drank, danced with men, got wild, all of them ended up back in one of their hotel rooms, he was drunk so a single male offered to walk her back to room, he wanted to use the bathroom at her room, he needed a bit to sit and let his head clear from drinking before he left. They wake up in bed naked. Everyone claims since she had no memory, he had to have raped her. Husband left for 6 months, they still do not know if they will stay married.

Many claim that because she says she has no memory of having sex, that he must have taken advantage of an unconscious woman. They expect the husband to instantly ignore that his wife is partying and drinking in Vegas with other men, dancing with men and hanging out with men in hotel rooms. The moment they think it turns to an assault he should forget her shady behavior and take her back with open arms.

That isn't blaming the victim. If a taken lady is out partying up with other men... not her boyfriend or husband there can be relationship consequences and just because an assault ended up happening doesn't mean everything shady they did to possibly cheat before gets swept under the rug.

[Brainsbeforebeauty]

Tell that to an abused child! And I've personally seen and heard also from users on here who were victims as children but tested different or shamed for that abuse. People need to quit this it's the victim's fault, or their choices. Again tell that to a child abused by a parent, or a teenager or an elderly person that's abused...

[Brainsbeforebeauty]

*treated

[SnowyOwl]

Offensors are often narcissists. Narcissits are manipulators. Manipulators get a ahead and succeed by being decitful and selfish. So we have a lot of successful powerful people who lead our societies, but they are actually narcissits. How do victims fight against such powerful people, when the system itself defends them? it is made of them! Of course there's a ton of victim blaming, and defending criminals when our legal structure and even law enforcement has been influenced by narcissits for centuries.

Well, for anyone who's been a victim or still is, im gonna tell you that you have a very hard and important mission: speak for yourself, tell your story. The more of us telling our story will help those "neutral" individuals in society realize just how much harm as been done, and if they have any empathy at all they WILL choose to stand by the victims.

Because nothing is more powerful than truth.
A courageous victim is a predator's worst nighmare, rightfully.
We need to change the current collective mindset. Everyone deserves to have the choice of living a peaceful life.

[Brainsbeforebeauty]

Awesome awesome answer... 💯 So true.. This here woulda been mho but still mho in my book 💛💜💛

[SnowyOwl]

still I feel honoured (: its my pleasure to share 💜✌️✨

[ObscuredBeyond]

Muddying the issue:

1. Sometimes the victim is not an entirely innocent party.
2. Oftentimes, the perp is someone popular. Or, those defending him have something at stake themselves, and feel a need to defend out of self-preservation.

The second one is especially the case in politics.

So Trump's a philanderer who trusts Bill Gates too much? So what!? His faith in Betsy DeVos is going to weaponize homeschooling, and undermine the core principle of it - letting parents have a say? Big deal!

There are over a thousand individuals running for president; but most Americans refuse to believe they can "back a winner," unless they support one of only two options that media outlets spoon feed to them - even if they're both horrible. (It's called controlled opposition. Hitler used it too!)

And the "only" alternative is Biden, who's an international criminal and pedo with a plantation owner mindset.

You're literally trying to decide which man makes you want to vomit the least. Trump is set up to be targeted by this machine run by bullies, so his base will support him no matter what. And to appease Dems, media outlets refuse to cover Joe's various gaffes. Because defeating Orange Man is "virtuous" - even if it betrays principles of the republic!

The end result is that we have a puppet for Xi - the new Mao - in one party, and an admitted admirer of Mussolini in the other. Mussolini and Mao running against each other for US president; and one of them is likely going to win. Lawlessness run amok, in the era where we wanted to Drain the Swamp! Made worse by Sandra Bullock pretty much admitting to Ellen DeGeneres that Big Adrenochome is real, in spite Wired trying to dismiss the idea.

Bring the lube, because you know where you're gonna get it either way! And if you complain, someone out there had some "virtuous" reason to defend your aggressor! Bank on it!

Then again, if you don't back a third party to send a message, then those defenders of abuse at the top will say that you deserved what you got. And they won't be entirely wrong.

[Girther10]

That’s quite a statement. You have a unique way with words. A little rough in some places, but overall a better than average narrative. Finally, someone out there is paying attention.

[Brainsbeforebeauty]

This isn't a political post this was about children, teens, adults getting sexually or physically abused or people cheating on their spouse. Not about the upcoming election!!!

[ObscuredBeyond]

@Brainsbeforebeauty: It's applicable across the board. Look at all the celebrities that have gotten away with sexually abusing others for DECADES, and are JUST NOW catching heat for it! And look how most of them vote too. Birds of a predatory feather. And CYA is a big deal now.

[mindNsoul]

You are talking about rich people, famous, presidents, politicians.. In terms of percentage globally how much is that?

She is talking about moral day to day domestic, sexual, physical, mental abuse victims. Men, women, children or senior citizens.

[Anonymous]

Here's the problem, at least in most cases of "victim blaming". It's actually two fold.

Firstly, playing the victim has become a national pastime among liberal and SJW types in recent years in most western countries. Victim politics is becoming more and more prolific, and in many ways it is deeply harming and weakening society. Aided and abetted by the mainstream media, groups like feminism and BLM use misinformation and outright lies to push their political and social agendas. People are just getting really, really cynical about "victims", so when someone is truly an innocent victim, they often don't get much sympathy these days and instead often get ridiculed.

Secondly, when someone is a victim of something, they actually do sometimes share some blame in what happened. But there is a push these days to try to make things like rape a very black and white matter, putting 100% of the blame on the alleged perpetrator and 0% of the blame on the alleged victim. But rape scenarios are often not black and white at all, which is why the accused is often acquitted in a court of law. SJW types will use that as evidence that "most rapists go free", but in many/most of those cases it is more a matter of ambiguity and shared blame.

As an example, in recent years feminists have been pushing to require that a woman give affirmative consent to have sex with a man, which means he must ask her "do you want to have sex with me right now?", and she must answer "yes I do". If that doesn't happen, she is legally a victim of rape. That doesn't sit well with most normal people with a heart and a conscience because it puts 100% of the responsibility on men and 0% on women in cases of questionable communication. That should come as no surprise to anyone who has observed feminism over the last 20 years as it tries to blame men for anything it can get away with and to achieve the primary goal of "unlimited rights and power but limited responsibility" for women.

In summary, the word "victim" has been corrupted, used and abused to such an extent by people playing the gender or race card, and the media and politicians using it for political gain, that people are just very cynical about "victims" these days. It's just like how so many women used the MeToo movement to try to ruin men's careers or extract money from them that no one trusts or respects the movement anymore, and the people who are harmed most by that are the true victims of sexual assault and harassment.

[Brainsbeforebeauty]

What does feminism have to do with children who get abused? What part do they take in blame? Or a man or woman getting physically abused by their spouse? Why do people keep making this about women and rape... Maybe go back and read again... There's way more forms of abuse than just rape.. and way more people than just women getting raped... And it can be infants, little girls, little boys, teenage girls, teenage boys as well as adult men... Again WTH does that have to do with feminism... But thanks for trying to use my post for your agenda

[Opinion Owner]

I've just never seen anyone "victim blaming" infants. lol

You asked a question and I gave you an honest and accurate answer with respect the the VAST majority instances of what people refer to as "victim blaming", which is most cases involves women and rape.

If you can't see the obvious connection between this subject and feminism you have either been living under a rock or you're just few fries short of a Happy Meal.

[Brainsbeforebeauty]

No they don't... They blame women who stay in Physically abusive relationships for staying... They blame when the partner cheats but none of that called be tied into feminism do of course don't acknowledge that... And I don't eat happy meals, aren't those for kids? But I'm sure you do. If you want to rant on and on about feminism than create your own post about it...

[Opinion Owner]

Of course they do, little miss dishonest. If you google victim blaming the overwhelming majority of hits are about women and rape. And everything I've written here about the subject is 100% true, including the connection with feminism, despite the fact that it makes your butt hurt so badly.

[Brainsbeforebeauty]

I don't get butthurt but Anons on GAG LOLOLOL sorry. Just because someone disagrees with you, they butthurt. Usually it's the person throwing that word around most guilty of that behavior 🙂 but okay then we'll keep as seeing it different... Have a great weekend

[Opinion Owner]

If you read back through this exchange, it's pretty hard to come to the conclusion that I'm the one who was butt hurt here. LMAO

Cheers

[Brainsbeforebeauty]

🥂🥂

[Nalix]

So the key question is why. Someone says they are the victim of a crime. There are two possibilities: They are telling the truth, or they are not. There are grey areas, such as most domestic abuse cases where the violence is mutual. It all comes back to how sympathetic you are to the person claiming to be a victim. Maybe you find their story convincing. Maybe you don't like them for some reason. Most sane people will admit they don't know... because they don't know.

When most people hear one of these stories, the vast majority have no idea what really happened. They will believe what they are told. Most people believe when someone says something happened to them... and do and say nothing.

Others will have the opposite reaction. Maybe they distrust the source of the information. Maybe they know similar cases where the victim wasn't a victim, but was lying. Most people who disbelieve people claiming to be victims is that they have experience with people lying in exact that way.

Others may disbelieve because of other prejudices that they have. No matter who the victim is, they will appear unsympathetic to someone, so there will always be at least some people who's initial reaction is to not believe them. Insisting that people never lie about being victims will only make many of these people more inclined to disbelieve them. You can't gain everyone's sympathy, but you can recognize that their pain doesn't invalidate yours.

[Brainsbeforebeauty]

It's never about gaining sympathy. Respect or understanding. People who suffer real abuse and survive... That makes them Survivors. And it's not just adults that get blamed or unbelieved or shamed. Sometimes it's grown ups who admit to having been abused as a child and treated differently because of it. The pain I feel it's for victims too afraid to come forward or press charges against their attackers for fear of not being believed or put on trial themselves by society. Which means more abusers/criminals on the streets and in society to victimize others

[TonyV]

It's not the victims fault interlly but sometimes they did something that kind of made them the target, is this right? No in a perfect world you could do whatever you want and not be targeted for it but our world ain't perfect so unfortunately from time to time we have to put our wants aside and do what we know will make us not the target.

Also far to many people fake being a victim to get attention or even to maliciously ruin someone elses life. Liars make it harder to believe real victims, which is unfortunate. Frankly when I hear abuse or rape allegations I have no idea what to do, I'm sure most people have the decency to not lie about something so serious, but some piece of shit human garbage people will, so I can't just blindly except any allegation i hear anymore, but I dont want to ask questions cause that would be offal to ask a real victim so I have no idea what to do if I hear it. I will not just believe a liar and I dont want to question a real victim.

I think there need to be real consequences for false accusations, like equal jail time to the predators or abusers.

[Brainsbeforebeauty]

How though can you say a child who's been abused by their parent put themselves in that situation? You can't! NO CHILD deserves to be abused, and then too scarred to seek help for fear of not being believed...

[TonyV]

Yeah I'd believe any child that says they are abused, they're still young and innocent and seems very unlikely they would lie. It just seemed like it was for any and every type of act that involves a victim, and I can't believe every victim any more. Too many have been proven false or latter admitted they lied cause they were upset. I wish we lived in an honest enough world to believe every victim but we dont, some people will lie about anything and its disgusting.

I would always take a child serious tho.

[Brainsbeforebeauty]

Sadly that is true... Liars don't just make it harder to believe real victims, it can cripple real victims from getting that courage to leave or to press charges against their abuser if they're going to be the ones put on trial

[TonyV]

Yeah, it is al around a shitty situation that has no obvious fix. The best I can think of is locking the liars we catch lying up in prison to hopefully discourage other would be liars. If something ever happened to me I would want to be believed.

[Brainsbeforebeauty]

Oh I agree, there should definitely be punishment for people caught lying... I actually meted out my pen when a teenager. I'm not a fighter, and maybe not my proudest moment in my life... But a girl I went to highschool with falsely accused her father of sexually molesting her. Just because she knew that really happened to me. When I found that out, I mighta snapped a little and beat her down in front of half the school gathered outside... Wasn't the answer, but after all the are you sure, and you're not lying, even kids who are victims go through, and then someone treat it like it's something to lie about for attention or sympathy 🤷🏼‍♀️ Hopefully I taught her something that day, but maybe not...

[Brainsbeforebeauty]

"own not pen

[TonyV]

Not the best way to handle it, but far from the worst🤷‍♂️, better than just ignoring it, won't catch me complaining to much about liars getting beat.

[Brainsbeforebeauty]

Well, I don't just go around beating all liars 🤣🤣 I was 13-14 at the time and it hit too close to home... Now, I just remove liars from my life/social circle... Life too short to waste time on people like that

[jgokgotit]

There are times when the victim could have done something better. It is not victim blaming to point that out. Let's use rape as an example. There is absolutely no excuse for a man to force himself on a woman (or vice versa). However, there are measures women can take to avoid being put in that situation in the first place. If they do not take those measures, it does not make the rape their fault, but it does mean they did not protect themselves properly. For example, if a woman walks down a dark alley alone, she increases her risk of something happening. That does not make the rape her fault, but she should have used common sense. Nobody besides yourself is responsible for your own safety. That's the same as putting your routing and account number on the internet for all to see then being surprised when your account gets wiped cleaned. While crimes are never the fault of the victim, in most cases there was something the victim could have done beforehand to mitigate the chance of becoming a victim.

[Brainsbeforebeauty]

I love how everyone just goes to a women being raped. But what about the children abused as children and then tested different because of it? Shamed... What about the abused spouse that did try to get away or couldn't? What about the partner that gets cheated on, yet gets blamed for why their partner cheated? That was all in this mytake, yet noone but people who've suffered such has mentioned that. Nother reason maybe people should stop victim Blaming/shaming unless you been in their shoes.

[Brainsbeforebeauty]

*treated not tested

[mindNsoul]

@jgokgotit As a generic advice sure I agree with you. However, when talking to the victim him/ herself that advice does more harm than good. if someone made the wrong choice or trusted the wrong person blaming them won't change what already happened.

As for the future.. trust me they are already screwed for life in most cases. Depression, paranoid, addiction, self harm, PTSD, and some eventually suicide. Please they're not happy it happened to them so show support and kindness. If you can't then don't contribute to their distruction.

All I'm saying is just have some compassion to those who are less fortunate.

[Petra150]

Hell NO , but in reality we do. The most obvious victim blaming our society have is ofcause the Heightist who blame mainly men for NOT being tall. The horrible fact 85 % of all men hwo aren't what society call tall , in my aerea north Europe a man over 186 cm or even better much taller. Now most women ow would gladly trow the typical well-known phrase in the head of all men who are not the desirable 186 cm tall or preferably much taller " Sorry you are far too short" while we will look at the guy as he were
a disgusting insight, not to mention that the vast majority of us women, will laugh and make fun of men who are not born to be fighters, and last but not least, most of us women would dream of dating a male under 185-190 cm tall. However, the same women will probably do well if he is rich and famous, but it will be to make a living from his money, and the day the short man has no money, the vast majority of us women will leave him.
So victim blaming even as horrible it is, most vomen blame men for NOT BEEING TALL... ENOUGH. And further we also blame him for our own insecurity, if we are tall, or thick etc. Again the victim , the NOT TALL GUY pay the ultimatly price for something he can't controle, vere very sad and a thing we women should have to do much better at it's very embarrassing to witness, and those of us who are not so disgusting, but we all expect to be HEIGHTIST too.

[Anpu23]

I have an issue with this dialogue, and that's the other half of the equation: "there's nothing you could have done" which is the default response if your not "victim blaming" how disempowering is that? Victims of crime naturally think "what could I have done differently," "how can I avoid this in the future" and "what actions should I have taken?" This is a natural and necessary response to being victimized it's a tool we use to regain our sense of empowerment. To dismiss or demean this thought process is to tell the victim that they're absolutely helpless in ANY situation. This leads to phobia, avoidance, detachment and can have very long lasting psychological damage.
Let's look at two situations a person has a horrible experience in one the response is to cower in fear forever afraid of your own shadow.
The other leads to self defence classes, maybe some time on a gun range, better situational awareness, etc. Of the two which, honestly, do you feel leads to a better emotional state? Which should we encourage?

[Brainsbeforebeauty]

This was about shaming as well. So how does it help to treat a victim of sexual abuse as a child as a piria as an adult? Or like damaged goods? People are only focusing on adults that get abused, but what about the countless children that get abused?

[Anpu23]

Agreed. I am just cautioning against going too far the other direction. Too many people are quick to try and "help" while unintentionally doing harm.

[Brainsbeforebeauty]

www.usatoday.com/.../

[mindNsoul]

have you worked with abuse survives or been victim to abuse yourself? because I've never met one who said: well, alright the fault was I never took self defense classes so let's hit the gym!

They blame themselves till they often collapse or believe they deserved it or often medicate or suicide. It take a great effort, time and healing for someone to stand strong again. No rape victim walks around saying well next time I better be prepared not to get raped again. That is a nice thing to imagine but it is not reality I'm afraid. Many have issues even trusting to have sex again or suffer from Ptsd. During the time they take to heal if you can't offer support than you can at least just not comment. Have compassion and sympathy.

A man told me once he was drugged and and woke up in physicl pain, bleeding and naked. He was unconscious when he was violated sexually. His roommate participated in it. Without going to the details he was a a straight, athletic, strong big guy. That insident broke his core. Why should I tell him how he could of avoided it or what I would I do if I were him. The simple fact is I WASN'T him.

[Anpu23]

@mindNsoul when I was 13 I was abducted by strangers, repeatedly sexually assaulted, tortured and nearly killed. My ordeal lasted for 3 days and the only reason why I'm alive to write this is one of them didn't want to be involved with my muder so uncuffed me while the other two were digging my grave.

[Anpu23]

@mindNsoul and yes after that I got into competition martial arts. I was full of self pity, anger and fear. I did it to overcome my own fears.

[DeltaCharlieEcho]

A vast majority of "victims" are far from free of any blame. Obviously children of abuse are exempt from this rule, but everyone else can make themselves less of victims or targets. I'm a victim of cheating and assault from partners but I could do a better job of selecting the women I date, but I don't. [Unpopular opinion incoming] Women that get sexually assaulted while wearing clothes that are designed to be sexually appealing to men made the choice to tease men at a deeply instinctual level and they are to blame for the attention they receive. Would I ever get aggressive with a chick over this? No, but is it so cut and dry that women aren't to blame when they intentionally do shit to antagonize fights and or get the attention of men sexually and get the responses that men are programmed to respond with. Nobody is 100% a victim, everybody could have done something differently if only that means being more aware of their surroundings.
There's a difference between being a victim and being a passive aggressor, and I find that most people are passively aggressive resulting in becoming the victim.

[weasley8]

I’m not entirely sure, but my guess would be that deep down the know that at one point they participated in victimizing someone, and they don’t want to admit it. They want to blame the person that they hurt, and to do that they need to also blame everyone who went through something similar.


Either that or it’s the same reason that people get so offended by the word privilege. They need to feel like they never had any advantages, and that they got where they are now entirely on their own and that everyone who isn’t in their position of authority or stability or whatever had to must not be trying hard enough. They need to feel better than everyone else, so they raise themselves higher by putting others down, in this case by blaming them for things that happened when they had no control.

[Brainsbeforebeauty]

You could be right there!!! Good answer 💜💜

[weasley8]

Thanks! I actually thought about this one. :)

[Brainsbeforebeauty]

Well, you have a good brain, great insight. Now can you teach that to some of the idiots that are twice your age but don't apparently have the thinking skills you do?🙄🤣🤣

[Kurαȷ]

For the same reason people do everything else, ego.

People blame the victims to maintain a sense of personal agency.
Because "they" would be in control if they found themselves in that situation, it's easier to convince yourself of that than it is to accept the fact that everyone is in a constant risk of finding themselves in dangerous situations that will be entirely outside of their control.

Victims do the same themselves, they self-blame and even blame other victims.
Precisely to maintain that sense of control that they have been deprived of through abuse.

[Brainsbeforebeauty]

Great answer here 💜 very profound and astute answer... And so right on the mark 👍👍

[Citizenkirk]

Blaming the victim is something stupid, weak willed people do when succumbing too the heard mentality of a flawed or corrupt agenda, theology, social convention, or political parties in an attempt too shift responsibility and accountability away from whatever evil purpose or person they are affiliated with. My solution? Call them on their stupidity and dishonesty, acknowledging them as the knuckle heads they are in order too bate those individuals dumb enough too try putting me in my place so I don't feel bad rearranging their dental work. A victim can sometimes be guilty of letting themselves be a victim too a specific kind of abuse or assault, but can never be at fault for forcing someone too victimize them.

[Brainsbeforebeauty]

Very well said here!!!🙂💛

[Citizenkirk]

Thanks

[Brainsbeforebeauty]

👍 welcome 🙂

[Citizenkirk]

I operate several websites with open chat rooms (some of which are live feed chat rooms that have good information recourses available too members and visiting guest) that are intended as communities where people can get real life issues concerning civil and human rights out in the open and help each other establish a collective ideology and understanding of the "spirit" of the law, and how it differs with the way the letter of the law is interpreted and enforced. My information is accurate, motivation compelling, issues relevant too everyone. I have three views from 1 member over four communities I created and am proud of. That's sad. I have three and a half million views with over a hundred twenty thousand upvotes on one website over a three month period for fluff I pulled out of a unicorns rear end, excuse my French. I take no pride or serious inspiration for the things about me people are interested in. What I'm trying too commit my life doing in the hope of saving lives, one member who's bored, no current views. Can you help me understand the snooze effect of my most relevant post?

[Brainsbeforebeauty]

Are you asking why only one other person upvoted this?

[Citizenkirk]

I'm asking a person who's recent experience with loss of better half cand sharing wisdom and insight writing on social media sites and gaining experience and followers like I am, but I'm being recognized for things that are not worth of recognition and my poor literary skills might be a significant factor in my inability too promote awareness of situations in my community in others that are costing people their lives. Good information and insight and an inability too connect people too that information effectively creates a sense of urgency in learning the writing skills neccessary too format my content for better effect. Knowing all the skills I lack doesn't tell me where too start acquiring them. You are recognized as an accomplished writer in relevant issues. I am reconized as a peddler of personal fluff stuff. I want too change that aspect of my nature.

[ohshee]

If the victim is smart and knows the truth the truth always wins in time and we all know it's that time that we have to deal with buckshot until the truth comes out. The one who has issues is the abuser since he lies and does what he or she does and he or she knows they are a liver then they think everyone is a lier,,, I also think people who blame other people for anything when knot knowing all 100% truth are fools anyway they like becoming part of the problem in stead of the truthall of the truth not just part of it

[Brainsbeforebeauty]

Well said! Great answer... And sadly, true...