Is it a Red Flag if you Have Not had a Relationship since High School? A Cautionary Tale of Believing Old Tropes.

The right person will come along.
The right person will come along.

Thanks to @Justneedtokno for inspiring the telling of this true story.

You can visit her question here:

Is it a Red Flag 🚩 if a woman has not been in a real relationship since high school or college?

Here is the story that was too long to leave in a reply. This is a cautionary tale about risk aversion. It's a rebuke to the tired old trope, "When the time is right, the right (man or woman) will find you." Or, "There is somebody for everybody." Or anything related to running across the 'right person' as an inevitability. That relationships are somehow designed by the cosmos and you are along for the ride. Or that you can make no effort, but the right person will come along.... That is all a lie. If you do not try, you will die alone. Seldom does it workout that you meet 'the right one' by accident. So I give you the true story of a sad lady:

I know a woman who is in her mid-50's and alone, extremely alone. She's a very religious girl, I have known her since we were both kids (our parents were friends). Her mother always told her that crap, that the 'right man' will find her and she'll be married and have kids and the whole gamut. Because she was sold this lie all her life, she naturally believed it. The lie was, 'God will provide her a husband and children' and that she need not worry about it, because when the time is right, the right man will come along.
Here's the thing, she has never even been on a date! No man has ever so much as even asked her out. She has never even kissed a man!
I am not even joking, this person exists. She's a nice person. But she was so isolated and risk averse that over 50 years of waiting for 'the right man' has past and hasn't even rendered her a date. If I'm lyin' I am dyin'.
I know this story sounds crazy, because it is. But it is also very real. You can meet and speak to this person who really does exist, from her own mouth if you wanted to. Never been on a date, never kissed a man (or a woman), she's not a lesbian secretly or any kind of crap like that. Like I said, I have known her all my life.
No she's not ugly, but she puts absolutely zero effort into her appearance. Her hair is a wild, tangled mess. But if you fixed her up, she would look okay. She's no beauty queen, but she'll do. She's at least average looking, if she were to dress and wear makeup and fix her hair. It's hard to picture because I have only seen her wear what looks like hand-me-downs that do not fit and do not match, with like Doc Martin's or some kind of clodhoppers'.
The family history may explain it a little bit as to why she's not a lesbian and the 'right man' never came either. People always figure, somebody is one way or the other, not actually sexless, but yes there are sexless people.
The family came from the middle-east as Christian refugees. So the kids were raised in a very different type of culture and the parents raised them very isolated from everybody else. I don't know why, that's just the way they were. It's not like her brother fared much better. He's never been married, but at least he's been on dates and kissed women before. Her two younger siblings actually fared much better. Sadly, her father died when those kids were still fairly young, but mom could not isolate them as much by herself and used this eldest sister as a surrogate parent for the two youngest. Those kids turned out fairly normal. They date, and kiss and do normal stuff, but they are like 12-15 years younger than the eldest two.
So, there is your cautionary tale. No risk, no nothing. The 'right man' will not just show up. You got to put in some effort, or die alone. It's plain and simple.

As for this lady, she's done. I think she should become a nun, since she has the hardest part about that life style down pact, whether intentional or not and she's very religious so it makes sense. But she was risk-averse. Always told 'the right man will find her at the right time' and it never happened.This is an extreme case, but this is what risk aversion gets you; a meaningless existence. I can only imagine she suffers from agonizing loneliness, she has her immediate family and that's it. She will die alone, a forgotten ghost, unloved and unwanted. No one to mourn her or even notice she's not there anymore. Why? She was risk-averse to the extreme. It's super sad.

Is it a Red Flag if you Have Not had a Relationship since High School? A Cautionary Tale of Believing Old Tropes.
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Most Helpful Guys

  • dtweed1996
    Not really it just means you have been a single person for a personal reason like i never had a real relationship until now, I just dated and moved on, eventually at the beginning of 2021 I felt like I should find one but unfortunately I couldn't find a woman who could love and be mine but they only asked for money and stuff until I caught on to their plan.
    They were just charming me for money and that trick only worked once with the first woman then she ditched then came back trying to play me again, anyway I just blocked her and waited for like one woman who could be real then it happened I met someone named Anabel we talk a lot she asked me for money previously but she really spoke about other stuff like changing her last name before we are actually married and how she doesn't want us to ever separate and every time we talk she says I love you.
    Is this still revelant?
  • exitseven
    I agree with this. There is an element of luck in finding a mate. If I told you the story about how I met my wife you would say it was fate or some other nonsense like that. I went on lots of dates and met many women before I found "the one". I put up with a lot of crap and heartache looking for love.
    You have to put yourself out there and do the hard work of dating and getting to know somebody.
    People also have to become the best version of themself. It is assumed (or at least it should be) that people are on their best behavior when they are dating. If you are a slob while you are dating it is difficult to imagine what you would be after marriage.
    Is this still revelant?

Most Helpful Girl

  • Justneedtokno
    Aw thank you, sometime it can difficult with the new age.
    But you are wrong on some of this. I’ve never stated that I am not putting my self out there. ( I don’t force it nor scare to try) I go out, travel and do things I want to do. I’m waiting for someone to live. Nor dependent on the someone to live my life.

    When something comes like dick pics. Or wanting me while in a relationship with someone else. I do not proceed with that situation.

    As far as self care I do work out boxing and PT, wear makeup, dress up for special occasion or going out with friends. love heels, etc.

    Dating can be a trick game. Hopefully someone can relate.
    Like 1 Person
    Is this still revelant?
    • Plus some guys have a lot of kids and I definitely don’t want to deal with three or four baby mamas. I understand one maybe two but that can be a lot to do it too I love kids and I would love to have some on my own. The issue is a lot of men and on this website believe that some women should except any old thing and that’s not fair when you’re turned off by superficial like the way she looks.

    • Floppy2112

      I wasn't particularly aiming this at you, but folks in general who were told the lie that, "When the time is right the right will find you." Or something in that spirit. It's about not taking risks and expecting an outcome as if you have. Her story is certainly not most people's story. She is obviously an extreme case. But lived under that delusion that 'God will provide' and she didn't need to do anything.
      I thought the extreme was an interesting story as well as a cautionary tale.

    • I understand what you mean. Of course is told to Women because we are taught not to chase after men And not to seem desperate. And it’s true God will provide as long as you pray for because faith without works is dead right.

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What Girls & Guys Said

  • boobliker
    No it just means the the right one has not come along yet they are out there go out but not to find them but to look and they will be someone!!!

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