Boyfriend says I'm being distant, cold, but I can not see his point/ problem?

[Azazzrael]

Recently my boyfriend had a talk with me that lately I have been acting very distant, cold with him, and that he had doubts that I really want to be in a relationship with him because a best friend of mine's admitted to him and me that he likes me. He wants to know if I really want to stay. with him, because he thinks I will start liking my best friend, but I can't understand that. I'm with him obviously because I enjoy his company, and he has an amazing personality that is very hard to find in men- but I honestly didn't realize he felt that way. I cannot see how I'm being 'cold-distant'.

I'm an aloof woman by nature, wasn't raised to be very affectionate, keep to myself mostly, talk when talked to, so it is hard for me to be that way or very social because I didn't receive much affection myself besides from my family members, but I honestly want to be more affectionate, I just show affection differently than what he is used to. He is my first boyfriend, so he understands I don't have much experience with relationships, and my boyfriend has taken things slow and respectfully told me many times there's no pressure for sex (he respects my decision to be a virgin until I fall in love).

He is a very amazing man, but I don't understand why he says I'm being cold and stuff. I don't see it as such, I've even made an effort for PDA which I HATE with a passion by the way. I don't know what to do because I feel like its out of my capability to be as affectionate as to people he's used to dating-he even says that I'm different than the women he has had relationships with because I'm so innocent, and quiet. I'm at a loss of what to do, I've been with him for 6 months already, we both want to make this work, but it feels like my 'introvert' nature is going to drive him away...

you're being cold-distant, do affectionate things to show him you care

you're not being cold-distant

try to explain to him why its hard for you to be affectionate as he is used to

[Anonymous]

I am with someone who is not very affectionate and it is very difficult to deal with. You may find someone one day who is similar to you, but it may be beneficial if you learn certain social/relationship skills and cues though they do not come natural at all. It may sound odd or robotic but maybe write down a list of what other people do to show affection (ask your boyfriend what types of affection he would like to see from you) and see where you can comfortably start implement them. Try to reach a certain quota per day (you can work up to it) so your partner can see the proof that you care. Simply being with someone does not show them anything and can be very frustrating/heart breaking for the partner. You DO NOT need to show PDA (kissing), aside from maybe hand holding. I can absolutely tell you, from your partners point of view... it hurts and is very difficult to understand. Affection is a physical manifestation of care, and is important for bonding, not just for boyfriends either... If you don't ever feel that you are beginning to enjoy some of these acts of affection you may need to find someone similar to you... or maybe you should take a closer look, he may be very kind, but you just don't love/care for him though you may want to b/c of his good qualities. PS affection includes thoughtfulness: giving a very small gift, paying for dinner, coming up with something fun for you to do, surprising them with pleasant gesture... it doesn't have to mean buying stuff. PPS It might make it easier if you pretended to be the ideal (like acting) similar to when you have to give a presentation in front of a group of people and you are nervous (pretend to be someone who is the shining example of confidence). Again remember if these things really are not working for you (give it time), it's just who you are and you don't have to feel bad/guilty about that!!

[cantbreakthishabit]

this may be just a difference in personalities. love is strange in a way that it happens to everyone even when they're no where close in some aspects like personality or values. it seems your boyfriend is the more intimate type, meaning he likes it when his girl is constantly talking to him, cuddling him, or just showing that she's very interested in him. you, however, are the loyal type, who loves and cares about him deeply but isn't the type to constantly coddle him like gold. you have your own life to attend to as well, and he just wants to see you be involved with his is all. this personality clash is usually the reason to these kinds of talks, i. e. 'i feel like you're not into me that much.. you're being cold and distance, etc'

i'm actually the intimate type while my boyfriend is more like you- does his own thing, isn't constantly talking to me, doesn't really lavish me in cutesy stuff. and yes sometimes i am frustrated (because i wish he would spoil me a little lol) but at the same time i realize that i love him for who he he and what he's like. being affectionate doesn't have to be PDA- it could just be the little things you do for him, the things you say to him. even a simple good night text with something extra is enough to make him happy. it should go both ways- he should understand you're more independent, and you should understand he wants you to be involved with him a little more. give it a try!

[Azazzrael]

What you're sayingseems to explain the situation a lot. Wow, thanks! Yeah, we do have veeery different personalities and he is more intimate. Im currently working on how to be more emotionally open, but this really has helped me to understand the situation, I will give my best to be more aware of doing even little things to show him I care-haha, it won't be easy, but he is worth every effort. Thank you so much!

[cantbreakthishabit]

glad i could help! good luck and im positive it'll be all good!

[MysteriousFlower]

I think there is lack of communication problems. He could also be jealous about this other guy that made him say that you are cold.

[Azazzrael]

I think this may be. I did kind of note that, and in the past we did have some communication Problems with each other.

[MysteriousFlower]

Yeah so maybe you need a mediator/counsellor to get your views and opinions across peacefully.

[dakraziest]

He is exhausted and didn't really thought that you would take long to fall in love with him. Dont get me wrong its not that he just needs sex but he needs it and by not getting it he is having a hard time, he loves you but needs you psychically so he said all those things
and for being affectionate well you can try cooking or hanging around kids, i have heard that it helps people

[Little-Hippie]

Well for one, you're talking to us about this and not him.

That could be an indicator.