Is this allowed in a "friends with benefits" relationship?

I know, in a FWB relationship, the focus is on sex and the two people involved aren't dating each other, but do most FWBs do the simple things that people in a dating relationship do, like holding hands, or is that completely against the rules? For some reason, sex can be seen as so casual but a simple act like holding hands is viewed as something so sacred that only dating people (and obviously married people too) can do it. It just seems ridiculous that two people in a FWB relationship has to avoid touching the hand when they've already done everything else. Also, hands get touched during sex. Is that right?

Again, I know the primary focus is on sex in a FWB relationship, but what about circumstances where sex cannot happen? For example, if a guy was driving his FWB home, obviously sex cannot happen then, so can he reach out and hold her hand in the car or is it against the rule because she's not his girlfriend? What if the girl feels dizzy from the alcohol, and the guy takes a walk with her to make her feel better? Obviously you can't have sex while walking so is it fine for the guy to hold her hand? I'm just trying to understand what a typical FWB relationship is like.


Most Helpful Girl

  • FWB is a recipe for disaster and you are touching on one of the many reasons why.

    FWB is just another repackaging of the classic casual sex situation to make it sound good and entice people in to it. In my experience, using the word "friend" is a pretty iffy proposition since I can tell you my friends treat me much better than most FWB partners would.

    So, to your specifics, can a FWB hold your hand? Well, since it is nothing more than an extended one night stand that is focused on sex and supposed to be void of emotion, hand holding is not sexual. It is not an act of sex, it has nothing to do with sex, so in my experience it would not be a part of this. Touching hands during sex, sure. Anything during sex other than saying "I love you" can be a part of sex.

    FWB can and do kiss, they can also cuddle after sex, but those acts are or can be a part of sex. If you actually went out with a FWB (which you may or may not do) and you were drunk, I would totally see that he could put his arm out to you to hold on to but part of that is just extending a general common courtesy to someone.

    Anyways, there really are not rules, you supposedly can work some of this stuff out by talking about it, but in reality I would say Jerseye410 is right on. One or the other person involved ends up with feelings and more times than not, those feelings are not reciprocated. All relationships evolve or devolve, including FWB (which I hate to call a relationship). So, with FWB they usually eventually just stop hooking up or one person ends up feeling hurt.


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What Guys Said 7

  • First off I don't see the fascination with "FWB". Secondly, it's anything but a relationship. Actually it's an oxymoron and all it does is really is hurt people. I was in "FWB" situation and I got hurt. Looking back it wasn't a relationship at all. Yes, we were friends but outside of that, the physical aspect meant something to me but not to her. I wish people didn't engage in this, go find a dildo or a sex toy if you really need to get off and if not then stop hurting people and learn how to be alone. I don't mean to judge but the idea of "FWB" just p*sses me off now because it's extremely selfish and is nothing but a way to "get intimacy" without the attachment which in my opinion is a load of horse sh*t. Stop worrying about rules and make a decision already. Either have a relationship and learn how to love each other without feeling like you have to get your rocks off or break it off and learn how to be alone without hurting someone else.

    • I appreciate your response, but can you please address the hand holding part? If you don't mind me asking, did you ever hold hands with your former FWB? And do you think hand holding is okay in those situations I posted?

      By the way, don't think I'm trying to get into one of those relationships. I am a virgin and I don't even believe in sex before marriage. However, I will ask questions because I am curious about this whole FWB concept. It doesn't sound tempting but I am curious.

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    • I answered the question....there is no "is this allowed" because the whole concept of a FWB is fundamentally flawed and therefore not applicable to issues of a real relationship. Did I rant? Yes, was I right? Yes

    • I never knew guys had strong feelings against this? I respect u for this! I wish the world was all rainbows and simple... but more than less people are opting for NSA/FWB! I'm not a fan but... I prefer human over batteries so... here I am😔wish there were more of u in this world

  • In my opinion a friends with benefits is just that. do everything that friends would ordinarily do dor each other plus SOME, not everything SOME...which means basically physical relations whether its sex, cuddling, hand holding ect. the purpose is so both people can have casual sex, and have that physical closeness...

    HOWEVER, if holding hands is something you view as something not quite so physical, don't do it, to be honest, Holding hands seems just a bit too middle school to really matter. But that's just me, if you want to keep it casual though, I would suggest you keep the physical stuff to the bedroom, foreplay, and anything else to do with sex. so no holding hands,

    helping you around while your dizzy, is something a friend would do, so any instance were its something a normal friend would do, that's exactly what it is, friendship

    • I agree with most of what you said, except holding hands is not a middle school thing. In my 40s, I still really like that. I still want that connection and I still feel that electricity when our hands first touch and the warmth/closeness when they wrap into each other. That's why it's tricky to do in a FWB situation. It might be one of the most intimate things people do, and it tends to be public.

      Arm in arm is something I do with guy friends who I am platonic with and they like it.

  • Hi,

    Normally sex with benefits is about sex and that's it. Although sex is an intimate act, so is holding hands and various kinds of touching. If you do things that are normal in a loving relationship then the FWB line gets crossed and that would only confuse the situation.

    If you're starting to have feelings for your FWB partner you need to reveal that because if the other person isn't feeling the same way then you've got problems. FWB are not the best way to get into a relationship because usually one person likes the status the way it is.

    But back to the touching...if you're walking down the street holding hands isn't that something that lovers do? Mind you, so is sex, but these days people have sex for the sake of release, dangerous, yes, but if both parties are consenting adults and both know that after sex there should be no expectations...then it is what it is.

    Bottom line, if you choose to have a FWB partner then don't expect the hand holding, soft gentle caressing, or sweet words and gestures out of the blue because those actions are usually reserved for lovers not sex buddies.

    Hope this helps!


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  • Pretty much you want to avoid anything that makes a person feel like they can expect a real relationship it's about friendship trust and sex. In a lot of ways it's a better deal than a real relationship at least more fun. The problem is when cross those lines like walking and holding hands she thinks it's going to go somewhere and he doesn't or vice versa. It's not the hand that is the problem it's the action the announcing to the world you are together. Taking her hand and leading her to have sex is OK only because it get's mixed in with the unnatural part of the relationship lets face it when it comes down to it sex is more intimate then almost any other part of a relationship and there is really know thing I have experienced called casual sex. In a FWB relationship you are blatantly ignoring this fact because it is fun and feels good if some other things are mixed in there they get suppressed along with all the other feelings of attraction that come with the intimacy.

  • Have you read any of the FWB questions aside from yours tend to go like this: "My FWB did [X]; does that mean there's something more?" This is natural, perhaps even inevitable. But it's inconvenient and confusing, and it usually signals the end of the relationship, or at least the FWB part.

    So if you want a stable, long-term FWB relationship--and there are more than people care to admit--you need to avoid [X] like the goddamn plague. You're clear and compassionate ("This won't work if we mix things up."), but you draw a big, thick line, and you don't cross it.

    • So as a guy, and let's say you are in a FWB situation, would you take the girl by the hand and lead her to the bedroom? And would you avoid touching her hand during sex at all possible cost?

    • It depends on the vibes I was getting. The more "girlfriend energy" she gave off, the more distant I would be.

  • Sure, I've done some cutesy date things with FWBs (e.g. holding hands, taking a walk, helping her home when she's drunk, etc.) Of course, I've also had FWBs who wanted nothing of the kind - pretty much all we did was talk like friends and, once in a while, f***.

    It can get pretty confusing because these are behaviors you expect from a boyfriend or girlfriend. I don't think that's enough of a reason to refuse to hold hands, though!

    • What were the reasons that made you want to do these cutesy date things with FWBs? was it because of the girl?

  • I think FWB is a situation where you don't want to publicly acknowledge your intimacy because you are not sure about your feelings. In a FWB relationship everyone else knows about the F and not about the B about both of you.

    So, publicly holding hands is out. But privately you can.

    • damn I wish I had known this... I reached past his hand and awkwardly pulled him closer roughly? i like holding hands during sex normally... better leverage😊

What Girls Said 6

  • I think you are getting confused (like many) the difference between an FWB and a F-buddy (booty-call).

    In your case you are clearly FWB. My experience suggests that an FWB is a friend --- someone you knew on a platonic level BEFORE having casual sex. Because of an underlying friendship their is more respect here .. but still no-strings-attached. You do things outside of the bedroom occassionally (as friends do) but there is no dating and no romantic gestures (ie. b-day gifts; V-day dates, etc.). Dating implies that you both are going through the motions of getting to know each other for the potentiality of an end-result being a potential exclusive relationship.

    However, an F-buddy is someone you just sleep with - random hookups when you feel like you need to scratch an itch. No strings attached. In this case the emphasis is on avoidance of anything romantic so to keep emotions at bay.

    I hope this helps.

    Given from the little info you provided... I would say that you are an f-buddy... who is randomly hooking up with a guy -- but he is also a decent guy who doesn't want you to feel used or trashy.

  • Hm, well no. I'm talking to this guy and for now we're just friends but with benefits. The term FWB doesn't mean all you do is have sex. It just means your friends but you like each other more than that and aren't ready to date yet. People that just have sex is called their mistress, adment or plaine out hoe.

    • So are you saying you and your friend hold hands? Can you clarify?

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    • How you describe what you have is more as getting to know a potential love interest or someone you would be willing to date, whereas most FWB is purely a sexual set up.

    • Well not really.. If it's 'benefit' it means they're your friend but you have a feeling towards them that's stronger than that. Someone that's just in it for the sex would not be called friends with benefits. It's just lust towards one another

  • Well I have had one or two FWB. Preferably it should be cut and dry. There is no handholding going on. If I am somewhere in public with them I treat them like I would an other guy friend. My first FWB had to end because it got to relationshipish. If that is understandable. To much became involved in it, stuff like public behaviors and etc. So the next I had it was cut and dry. Letting things of relationship nature made it to much of an issue. Treat them like you would any other male friend you have. You don't hold hands in public, or when you are riding somewhere together. If you aren't driving, yeah make out, that was what you were going for. If you hangout, you hangout as friends. Nothing more. I mean yeah we still hangout and have fun but you can sense when things are heading in a different direction. So if you're not somewhere getting it on, be like friends. Nothing more.

    • So in your first FWB relationship, was there hand holding involved? You said it was too relationshipish. Also, wasn't it difficult not to touch in public when privately you guys are so imtinate?

    • Never.We're good friends, but I don't hold hands with my friends.Personally I didn't find it hard to treat him as any other male friend I have.FWB is a use and let use relationship.Even if you can detach yourself from the intimate aspect you kind of shut yourself from finding a relationship,even more so if you let feelings get involved.

  • Yes it's breaking the rules because it could lead to someone getting hurt. For example I had a FWB but before I knew it he was txting more and starting random conversations about nothing and trying to kiss me whenever he could get the chance, and then he acted like he was trying to force it into a relationship so I ended it quickly because I had no feelings for him like that. So rather than let him carry on and him getting hurt further down the road it is better to end as soon as one of use start wanting more unless of course your both feeling it then just move into that relationship. Hope this helps :)

    • Thank you Hippy. I actually wanted to hear from someone who had experience with FWB type of relationship. So if you don't mind me asking, was there EVER a time when he made a slight touch of your hand? Okay, I understand that if he's walking beside you, he's not supposed to hold your hand, but what if he was walking you to his bedroom? Is he allowed to hold your hand to lead you there (since sex is going to happen anyway)?

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    • No you don't have to make any effort. just do as you feel. I'm just saying usually in relationships like that, people just don't think about doing it or one or the other may want to becuase maybe they feeling the person but don't feel like they should becuase of the common reason why people hold hands which is: In a meaningful relationship or dating. You see people like that holding hands. Its a way od saying we are with each other, he's my man and I'm his woman, its a territorial gesture and

    • With FWB's, yall are just using each other, no commitment, no love, no expectations, and no reason to act like a couple would.

  • FWB you allowed to do whatever you want. The only difference between FWB and an open realtionship, is FWB people don't think ur together and only thing ur friends. open realtionship people know ur kinda sorta together. but not really because ur allowed to cheat. (you might be in an open realtionship) or an almost real realtionship haha crazy

    u can do whatever FWB is mostly more secretive than anything,

  • A typical one like on the average, No, you don't hold hands just becuase. Some may do it but not very many nor do most want to. Its not a rule, its just a meaning factor here. FWB's is not a meaningful relationship at all and you know that and usually holding hands says that you two are serious or really like each other or more than a sex thing. So since FWB's is just sex them all that touching during it is solely for that moment.

    • So how far should you go to avoid touching hands? In the most extreme case, what if hand touches during sex? Is THAT allowed? Or is the hand off limit no matter what the case is? I'm just trying to see how far one should go in preventing the touching of the hand just because it's "sacred" for dating people only. Hope you don't think my question is ridiculous, but I really don't understand this.

    • Holding hands like out in public is mainly wqhat couples do and people who are dating , not people who are just having sex. During sex, you can touch anything, hands, legs arms in all relationships but its the afterfact that determine the type of relationship. if you are friends with benefits, your not gonna be holding hands like you are a couple. In bed, is different cause its all just touching, holding, grabbing in bed. get it? FWB's are just F*** buddies.

    • Hey, your answer helps! It's good to be blunt because then I won't be left with more questions. You rock!

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