What makes a guy commit / want to be exclusive?

[missnic825]

I find it interesting that sometimes a woman can be exactly what a guy says he wants on paper (I. e. attractive, intelligent, kind, whatever else he is personally looking for etc. etc.), but yet a guy is not always inspired to commit to her. So I'm thinking there's got to be something more that inspires it? I know one of the dating experts for women (Renee Wade) states that it is a formula of attraction (enough that he wants to keep coming back / won't lose its appeal) and VULNERABILITY (that one surprised me), that makes a man want to commit. Her theory is that if a woman is just attractive but doesn't open up emotionally (and sexually) to a man, if she doesn't make herself vulnerable in any way, a man will not feel like he is needed in any way and will not be inspired to commit. This does kind of make sense to me, but I'd like to hear it from you guys (and girls too if your guy told you what inspired him to commit to you). Is it really as simple as attraction and vulnerability, or is it something else? I can't help but think it's not just whether she meets a list of traits, as I have literally in the past had several guys tell me that I was "exactly" what they were looking for attraction / personality wise, but they didn't want to be exclusive. For some reason I felt comfortable right away with my current guy showing him my emotional and vulnerable side, and lo and behold, he did want to commit to me... So I'm thinking there COULD be some truth to what this dating coach advises. So guys, is this it, or am I missing something?

Updates

+1 y

Also this dating coach considers herself a "femininity" expert, so she is coming from that slant...(I am quite feminine in nature so I personally love her blog and her outlook on male / female relationships, which I just recently discovered, and that's what's got me thinking on this now)

[raio81597]

I actively read Renee and David's blog, so to add to your question,
It's attraction and vulnerability that makes a man want to connect, yet it is a combination of attraction, vulnerability, honesty, authenticity, being genuinely feminine (emotional) and showing up high status that makes for long term commitment.

Women these days spend so much time trying to be bad asses, that it turns men off, as they come off fake, not only that they tend to deceive men in the sense of lying about these vulnerabilities and or insecurities as guys naturally want to care for a woman, but find it impossible to do so as women can come off as too independent in a masculine way such as being overly sarcastic, cutting euphemisms, jaded or cynical and out right negative to the point where a guy can't feel like he can win.

If you've ever heard the phrase "No matter what I do she's never happy." You know what happened, the woman forgot to allow space for a man in her life, to do the things that make him feel like a man. Some will say that it's manipulation or deception to use a man in this way such as moving heavy things or getting some thing from up high, yet it's more so persuasion or influence as it allows a man to feel needed or useful.

Men are natural problem solvers and need to do so to feel complete.
It's a well understood fact that women can do most everything that a man can do, men are not needed as much as they were in years past.

However men still have a place in a woman's life, they tend to be less emotional, more grounded, stable, less chaotic, they're bigger physically most times and tend to do the dangerous things women don't want to do. Aside from all that they offer a different sort of company and companionship that women don't offer as their minds are structured differently and can offer a differing point of view that some haven't considered being less logical in nature.

[missnic825]

You're exactly right. I just recently discovered Renee's blog, and it has just been so amazing for me to read and it resonates with me to an incredible degree. It's like I'm being given permission to be who I naturally am! Yes, I can independently provide for myself and handle things myself (after being single for so long I had to learn to do this), but by acting in a way that is so against my nature, it has been extremely stressful and I have developed so many conditions from that (ulcers, acid reflux, panic attacks), so it may be possible for a woman to "have it all together" and "do everything herself", but for a woman who is more feminine by nature, it going to cause undue stress on your body and spirit when you don't let a man in and let him take on the masculine role in your life. What I have found is that I DO need my boyfriend to be my emotional anchor, to go along with what you said.

[missnic825]

I am naturally very sensitive and empathetic, and as such things affect me emotionally in a very intense way sometimes (let's not even get into the hormonal shifts that constantly occur in a woman to go on top of it)... I am the stereotypical female "ocean of emotion" underneath, and since giving myself permission to show this to my man, he has consistently stepped up to take care of me emotionally and been an anchor for me emotionally. The beauty of that is that he makes me feel like I have a port in the storm, a sense of stability and security, and he can feel like he is solving problems (as you have said), and feel needed and like he can rescue me from my emotional turmoil. As a result I am SO much less stressed, people are commenting all the time how much happier I seem. It's because I've accepted that even though I can work, pay my rent, pay my car payment, etc. all on my own, I still need a man (my man) to take care of me emotionally.

[missnic825]

I think most women by nature are like this. I also think many will be repelled by the idea that they "need" a man, think that since they can work, have their own home / car, etc, that there's no way they could. possibly "need" a man. But there is somewhere inside her a need (for most I think it would be emotional, but it may be. some thing else for some) that could be taken care of by a man, if she would allow herself to be vulnerable enough to submit to it and to open up authentically and allow a man to take care of.

[raio81597]

I really liked what you had to say here and wish that more women would just open up like you have. I find so many that are closed off emotionally and I have no idea how to open them up. I'm very direct and honest so for me, it's a frustration to find a worthy woman that is closed off and lugging immense emotional baggage that she doesn't need to carry. I love the idea of being there for someone, it's hard to do when there is no connection and no communication, it's like they get just vulnerable at a point then immediately see it and shut themselves off so that they can pretend to be strong, when all I want to do is fill them up with positive emotions and enjoy all their feminine wiles and really support them emotionally so they can lean on me when needed. I love a woman that makes me feel like a man, I certainly don't want to be with someone that has to wear a man skin and be fake all the time or have to impress me or lie to get me to like them, I like just be yourself and be

[raio81597]

your best self when you can. I want to be able to love a woman at her worst and deserve her at her best. I can do without game playing, I want them to be relaxed around me but they tend to be so uptight and insecure and stuff down all their feelings so they don't look desperate or needy. I wished they would unload and just emote it's a beautiful thing to see in a woman being emotional.

[missnic825]

I wish more women read Renee's blog. It really was life-changing for me in terms of being in a relationship. I had already started dating my current guy when I found it, but luckily I discovered her early enough to implement what she advocates which is basically to be your true self and trust a man with your emotions (two things I had always been afraid of before). I think that's why so many women do what you're talking about with the toughness and stuffing down feelings... So many of us are made to believe that it is not only the "right" way to be now, but that this is what men are attracted to / want! So women make themselves do this when they would be happier just being true to themselves and trusting their man (if he is a good one, and most men are I believe). I can't tell you how awed I am at how my guy has come through for me every time I let him see my vulnerability (which is more and more after each time he responds by stepping up to comfort and take care of me, which has

[missnic825]

Been EVERY SINGLE TIME, by the way. It astounds me that so much of what she says about men wanting to be our heroes is really the case. I think most women are scared of being "needy" too, but I think they miss the fact that men truly have a need as well, to take care of their woman, and they are deprived of that if we never let them in. I think they also think that not being "needy" means having no needs whatsoever, which is extremely unrealistic. It's only needy if you expect your needs to be met at the exclusions of your partner's needs getting met too, or if you are being "needy" disingenuously and really pretending to be to manipulate your partner. But the fact is, when we surrender our needs to the men in our lives, their needs end up being met too; that's what's so truly beautiful about the nature of men and women.

[raio81597]

Orphan said something very true here and profound, he said,
vulnerability doesn't draw a guy in... it sends those not willing to commit running away.
but yes, it's essential. mutual vulnerability is what allows a couple to build trust.

This to me is the perfect statement of truth, when a woman is vulnerable to me and trusts me with her emotional stuff, I'm taken in by her it opens me. I've been just as vulnerable but it pushed women away, but I didn't open up till after they did and it was a bit crazy they stopped talking.

I wish more women were like Renee in how they operate, it would bond so many men to them. However when they were this way with the wrong men, mostly angry one's it caused them to clam up sort of speak so it ruined them in a way for better men.

[raio81597]

Another thing I see is that when women act as if they are tough and stuff down their feelings they tend to come off as more masculine and guys respond to this by treating them more like guys and women become confused and angry and hurt that a guy won't care for them, but the truth is he is caring for them by what he knows and that is to treat them no different than any other man as that is the way they show up.

[raio81597]

I like what you said about your boyfriend here and this is my natural modality. "He is my anchor when I am on the emotional roller coaster, and does little things to cheer me up when I am sad, and comforts me when I am anxious or scared. This is how I need him, and it is a beautiful thing letting myself be taken care of in this way... making me feel more secure and safe, and making him feel like a hero who can rescue me and allowing him to feel needed."

[raio81597]

The needy issue is more about actions and authenticity, women that are needy are more covert about it and they tend to stuff it down but act in a "Needy way." it's like a thirst that can't be quenched. Having needs is natural and allowing a man to lead and fulfill those needs often emotional is his natural drive to make her happy that way, however when a woman complains that a guy doesn't take care of her but she constantly pushes him away or doesn't open to him, what is he supposed to do? He can't do anything but feel like a failure, and he'll often be heard saying "No matter what I do she's never happy." It's sad I've watched my own Dad go through this, he did so much for all of us but he still wasn't treated well and my mother at the time never opened to him she always was closed or pushed him away with such passive aggressive behavior.

[missnic825]

Yeah, what you say makes a lot of sense... The "needy" behavior that drives guys away are the inauthentic things women do when they try to hide their feelings, very insightful, and I do agree! I'm sorry to hear about what you had to see with your Dad, that has to be hard. It's sad to me how many women have been influenced by the extremist feminist / man hater movement, and allowed that to affect their thinking on men. The reality is that most women's bad experiences with men relate to their own misunderstanding of how men really are! I'm just glad I am gaining more understanding myself. The more I learn (reading her blog and through my own new happy relationship), the more I am absolutely in awe of how men and women have been designed and how well that works together when both are being true and authentic to their natures.

[raio81597]

Yes agree needy is based on being inauthentic, guys do this too. It's like the nice guy or girl agenda. The guys and gals if truly acting from a place of being themselves biologically, will get along better, it can be seen on any primary school play ground. So much can be learned just be watching children play and interact, adults if they emulate such behavior can often improve their results, it's not about hurting feelings, but just the leadership areas. If guys lead through everyday life and excel at it, and women in the domestic, relationship area lead men, there would be more intimacy and closeness. A woman if she is open and vulnerable first can usher in a feeling of emotional safety in a man to do the same, then if they both realize how human we all are, good things happen on that level.

[missnic825]

You're right again. I actually work with children, so I know exactly what you are talking about! And you are also right about being open and authentic about your feelings making a guy also feel safe to do the same with you, this happens often in my relationship now that I've regularly allowed myself to do this (and it gets easier and more natural the more I do it, it probably helps that this was actually my true nature deep down anyway)... when I open up about my feelings to him, he many times ends up doing the same, and we very often are feeling the same way. But he wouldn't have expressed it to me (most likely) if I hadn't first shown emotional vulnerability to him. I've noticed we are closer since I've done this more often, as I said I have always been sensitive and empathetic by nature, but over the years a few bad men and society have given me the message that this is "wrong", and I learned how to hide this part of me from others. The weird thing is I found myself being

[missnic825]

Pretty vulnerable with my current boyfriend when we first started dating, something about him made me feel safe to show my emotions to him (his strong masculine presence, perhaps?), but then I started acting a little more "tough" and "together", as I started being afraid we weren't going to last. Thankfully I had just started reading Renee's blog right about then and I realized for us to get closer I was gonna have to be vulnerable. What's sad was that I had gotten so good at showing myself to be "invulnerable", that I sat there thinking, "well, I need to be vulnerable somehow with him. How the heck can I do that?" I realized for me it had to start with really feeling my emotions, and getting back in touch with how I was feeling. Once I did that, it was easy to show him and be more authentic. As I said, since then he has opened up more to me and I really feel we have gotten closer. It's sad that women in our society are taught to push down our feelings, act tough and "with it" at all

[missnic825]

Times, to act like men basically. Because it is the exact opposite of what will bring her happiness and a loving relationship :-(

[raio81597]

I think being open and authentic by nature is most women's natural way of being as is being feminine. Now there are some women that can be naturally masculine but not many in my experience. I see a lot on here too, how a few bad men or women tend to jade the thoughts of people to just give up or act in a manner that destroys connections. I see a lot of the term being used Butt Hurt, as if a guy does not have any feelings at all, if he is hurt or angry in regards to his experience with women, then if a woman has had a negative experience she's labeled as a feminist or bitch and honestly their experiences dictate their beliefs in that manner. I've personally liked women that basically didn't want anything to do with me like that since guys or a guy before me, ruined their ideal mindset of how love was supposed to be, I wasn't even given a chance, even though there was attraction present, these women labeled themselves as defective or not worth it and had a innate fear of things not

[raio81597]

working out so they didn't even bother to try. The whole worried about things not working out often happens when something happens that the person believes might be a deal breaker, such as an argument or just a simple misunderstanding that may or may not lead to a fight.

I can tell you've been reading Renee's blog she mentions just allowing yourself or giving yourself permission to feel and to feel anything. I think Brene Brown the author of Daring greatly mentions this as well, getting into your body and just staying with whatever feeling comes up and letting it pass.
Yes if women only knew that what they are doing that seems intuitive is the real reason why they can't find love they'd have an easier time of things, just because one guy was bad to a woman doesn't mean all guys are bad.

[missnic825]

You're right, past pain is probably the biggest reason women fear being vulnerable with a man. I know that's what it was for me. But I've come to realize that 1) I was partially to blame for my past "opening up" not being responded to well (I wasn't doing it the right and authentic way, I was doing it the way women typically do as you were talking about and trying to mask it in some way, and 2) one of my exes was verbally abusive and straight up told me I was "weak" because I cried (yeah, that'll get you feeling hesitant to show that to another man after that). But thankfully I have come to realize that the abusive guy is NOT the typical man, and other men do not deserve to be judged by his actions. I have also come to thankfully learn the right and authentic way to show vulnerability. I really think if women would come to understand these two things - that all men do not deserve to be judged by the actions of the "bad" ones, and 2) how to allow themselves to feel their emotions

[missnic825]

And express them authentically, they would find a fulfilling and loving relationship, that is happy and satisfying for both, as men need us to do these two things as well.

[raio81597]

You make a solid point and it's a very mature thing to admit that you had a partial responsibility in your past. Even for myself I had a responsibility in my past relationships. It takes two to tango as the saying goes. I often as a man take too much responsibility, I think it's one of the reasons why I self improve so much, kind of to stave off the failure aspect.

[raio81597]

I noticed too that women often complain about men only wanting them for sex and often I see what men are doing and that is picking up on the masculine energy they give off and want to emasculate it, we do it with each other, yet in terms of male female relations it becomes sexual in nature as the only means to squash that energy and soften it. I find this true with low self esteem and through those that stuff their feelings down and act in a manner that comes off as aloof or too independent. It's almost like a guy saying if I wanted to be with a man I would be, please be a woman and emote. Women also tend to say a guy is emotionally unavailable and I tell them it's because you are emotionally unavailable, that he is following your lead, relationships and those matters of the heart as far as guys were raised is woman's business and they excel in that area. So when I tell a woman to open up relax and emote let a man take care of you make you feel emotionally safe or

[raio81597]

give a man a chance to be your hero, he wants to be but some are not good at it. As you well know some guys will treat women as guys, it's what they are accustomed to, the leaving a woman alone when she's hurting is a guy to guy thing as well as telling a woman to man up and stop crying as she's weak is a guy thing, we are very hard on each other us guys anyway. Some guys just don't know how to just hold space for a woman, and be present so she can emote, if they did they would win her loyalty and perhaps her heart.

[missnic825]

Thank you, I am the type of person who always tries for self-improvement myself, so I can and do try to always see what my role in things are. That's how I am able to admit that I did things wrong in the past, and it's how we grow and get better as human beings I believe. Sounds like you are the same that way. You bring up some interesting points about men treating women in certain ways as a result of their behaving in a masculine manner / giving off masculine energy. That makes complete sense and I never really thought about it that way. I do know after reading Renee's blog that in spite of being super feminine / girly in appearance, there were lots of things I was doing in past relationships that came across as masculine, and I didn't at all realize would be seen / interpreted as masculine, for me it was mostly hiding my feelings, acting like I didn't need anything, and like I have everything "together". I really thought this would make me seem more attractive, not less. I had

[missnic825]

No idea how masculine this comes across to men! Ironically all those things were things that are "fronts", and not the way I am naturally. I am glad I am getting back in touch with my true feminine nature. Not only is it working wonders in my relationship, I have noticed a real difference in how other men and even women now respond to me. Men seem more drawn to wanting to help me especially, and women seem to act more kind, helpful, and feminine themselves around me, it's almost like my feminine energy makes them feel like they have permission to be feminine as well. It is very surprising but also very wonderful!

[raio81597]

You're welcome. Thank you for MHO!! :) It's funny that before you didn't see how you were coming off as masculine, yet aren't guys mostly hiding their feelings, acting like they didn't need anything, and like they have everything "together". Often women don't realize just how akin to nature feminine energy really is, it's chaotic yet at times peaceful and tranquil and sometimes destructive, but always marvelous and beautiful.
Keep in mind too this is doing wonders for your self esteem, being who you naturally are as you are seeing first hand spills over into all areas of your life.

[RedVulcan]

What an interesting convo, I've only gotten halfway through it and I find myself intrigued. Have either of you read The Second Sex? I'm assuming not, because both of you appear to be subscribing to a theory of "eternal femininity" and "eternal masculinity", in which men and women have inherently masculine and inherently feminine traits respectively. This Renee person, who seems interesting but at the moment I'm too busy to look up, seems to expand those eternal ideas to the point where they MUST be expressed in healthy relationships.
I feel as if this sort of thinking is dangerous. It gives the impression that both men and women must do something in their relationships, and that individualism will not be appreciated or even healthy. It also leaves no leeway for LGBTQ people either, although those are not my primary concern right now.

[RedVulcan]

I keep seeing "natural" and variants of naturalism show up in these comments, and I must ask whether there is anything natural at ALL in human society to begin with? I'm undecided as yet about this, because clearly males and females differ physiologically and psychologically, to such an extent that the emotional differences that you mentioned may be produced "naturally", yet I can't help but wonder if these are just mysticisms created by societies that are merely based off of the different roles men and women had in prehistory.
For instance, men used to be the protectors of the tribe and women used to take care of the children the most. Did we then collectively and semi-consciously conclude that men are "naturally" (or created, even more gross) more protective of women, and that women are naturally better at raising children?

[Azukuban]

Relationships in our society are extremely important. But not everyone looks for them. So there is a broader question to ask, what makes people want to commit to a relationship? And I could use the 2500 words and go into every detail of why people want to be in a relationship, for me one of the simplest answers is timing. I didn't have my first girlfriend until I was 23 because I was focused on humanitarian projects, church service, and college. But then I felt that the weekly date wasn't enough and needed something more solid in my life. Then I was introduced to my girlfriend. I didn't even know I wanted a girlfriend until I met her. She was kind and friendly. She even struggled to speak English since she had just moved from another country. But I felt that the timing for us was perfect so we started a relationship. Seven years have passed and now we're getting ready to get married. The timing is everything. When people are ready for a relationship, they make it happen. I've known some people who are ready so skip from one relationship to the next never seeming to ever be single. Then there are some who just finish a nasty breakup and want some time to recover before the next relationship. Then there are some who don't want a relationship until they are closer to knowing they want to get married, since it would be silly for them to date if you're just going to break up in a few months or years. You can't predict the future but you can know when the timing is right and timing is everything in a relationship for one to happen. Like I said, there's more to it but that's just one piece (a big one) for commitment to happen.

[missnic825]

I agree with you that timing can make a difference , especially in the sense of making someone be open to letting love into their lives to begin with. However I also am a firm believer in the idea of "right person" over "right time". I have heard countless stories of people falling in love and committing to someone in spite of bad timing, simply because they realized the other person was right for them. But I do think timing is important as you say, in that if the timing is good, a man (or a woman) is going to be more open to letting love into their lives.

[Darkfairie17]

I think that what Renee said is right. You have to be both things, attractive, but also vulnerable. A guy needs to feel some sort of connection with you in order to want anything more with you.

I've been told I'm wife material. But i think I lack whatever it is that makes a guy feel connected to me. I'm shy and I've been really hurt in the past by guys. So I find it hard to let people in. I find it hard to trust but I'm working on it.

But I think there are also other things too. Every guy views things differently. Some guys like a woman who can show her feminine side, while other guys find that annoying. Some guys like a woman who is in touch with her emotions, while other guys run from that.

The key is, you have to find a guy who is open to who you are. And isn't going to run because they find a trait that isn't ideal. We are all imperfect, but that doesn't mean someone can't love us.

[missnic825]

I love your well thought out answer! I think with you being shy it is actually a good thing in terms of being vulnerable, that in itself is something that some men would feel the need to take care of, especially if you confide in him that you are scared / cautious because of past hurt (after you're fairly certain he's a good one who will actually care about that). I also think it will come more naturally when you find a guy who is right for you, I always had a hard time letting people in, but after I started dating my current guy, I almost immediately felt like he was a safe person to open up to, and my instincts turned out to be correct. So just trust your gut feeling about it :-)

[Tinygirll]

My boyfriend told me that he decided to commit to our relationship when he saw that we shared the same morals and future/dreams. I definitely agree with you on vulnerability. I THINK my boyfriend feels more like a man when he is being needed. This isn't necessarily a bad thing though because I don't know about other girls but I love being taken care of (emotionally) and of course physically. For instance, couple months ago I got into a car accident which my car flipped over. The first person I called while hanging upside down was my boyfriend. The smarter choice would've been calling 911 first but the fact that he was the first person that was on my mind in a life or death situation (or it felt like), probably made him feel very important in my life.

But ultimately, there's no right answer to your question because when you know, you just know.

[missnic825]

I love feeling taken care of too, especially emotionally as I am quite sensitive so it helps me a lot to have someone who makes me feel better and stabilized me. It isn't the politically correct thing to admit these days but I think most of us women, if we're being honest with ourselves, loves nothing more than for our guy to take care of us. You should read Renee's blog, it is called "The Feminine Woman", I think you would really like it!

[Anonymous]

Well she may have a point. I am pretty attractive and a good catch in other ways but in the past i found it hard to open up and be vulnerable. guys didn't tend to stick around and usually chose another woman. i have been working on that and i see a difference, bringing out your softer side brings out the man in them. it doesn't mean that he's always going to act right cbut ur more likely get a deeper relationship because that feminnity is what allows a man to fall in love

[raio81597]

@Anonymous, In regards to how Renee is presenting the idea of opening up and being vulnerable, if done right draws great guys in. Mainly to say "I feel xyz when a guy did abc from my past" is open and vulnerable as an example. Often women tend to say, the guys from my past made me feel xyz, they were such a-holes is not open and vulnerable.

The open and vulnerable concept is about the individual and how they feel.
The guys that are falling away or choosing other females are in fact not high value, so when you show up high value with the way Renee is saying to do so, guys that are high value show up more.

If a guy doesn't initially act right or seems a bit weird about you opening up, it maybe because they are not used to it or if they knew you when you were closed off, it was unexpected and they might think drugs were involved, JK. :)

The more you open and are vulnerable, I promise you will see amazing results in your interactions with guys.

[Transigence]

I can't think of anything that would make me want to commit to a woman right now. All through my life I've observed that women have no sense of commitment and will destroy a man the moment the relationship becomes inconvenient to her, right before monkey-branching to her next boyfriend that she already had lined up. And the state will be the muscle that makes it happen.

Right now, relationships are a very dangerous thing for men. I recommend against it. Get a casual fling if you can pull it off, but always be recording. The best solution is to just get a hobby that gives you some fulfillment without women involved.

I know this isn't an answer to your question, but you aren't asking the right questions.

[missnic825]

You certainly have a right to your opinion. I will say though what you are talking about are "bad" women, and I know they are out there, so I won't deny that to you, and I won't deny that society has set up marriage to be a dangerous gamble for men to make, although I was not necessarily just talking about marriage, I was talking about simply being exclusive with one woman (which many people do without getting married). You have a right to your opinion, but you are right in that this doesn't answer the question I asked. And luckily on GAG there aren't "right" or "wrong" questions, so I can ask this on here and get the answers I was seeking. I know there are men out there who will not commit to a woman, I wasn't asking why that was the case, I was asking from men who DO choose to commit to one woman, what causes them to want to. I wish you luck in finding happiness.

[Transigence]

-She demonstrates awareness of men's issues, and is sympathetic
(Is not misandric)

-She has the full suite of adult personality characteristics
-She has no history of using proxy violence to get her way without regard to justice
(She isn't a woman-child, which is fucking epidemic)

-She doesn't have children by someone else
(I get to be #1 for a while, and I'm not subsidizing someone else's child to the exclusion of my own)

-She continues to improve herself in some way
-The sex is great
-She is attractive

-She takes on one or more traditionally male hobbies
-She displays at least one traditionally male personality trait
(She's not hyperfeminine)

[missnic825]

Interesting, thank you

[CoolSky01]

Well if she is the most attractive we have and we feel we genuinely want to be with her, she's loyal, faithful and generally has all the qualities we look for (someone we are not sure will happen to us again ) that makes most guys commit, basically its about meeting a quality girl, a catch that is not easy to find and stickign to her, of course sometimes during college years or other times the guy might be busy so he won't commit , but most of the time if she is extremely attractive to him and has all the qualities he wants , he's gonna commit.

[missnic825]

I think some guys see it the way you do (which is smart), but I have also seen guys who take it as, "Hmm, if I can get her then, maybe I can get another one just as good / better", and then NOT settle down because he now feels like he can pull a woman of that caliber. This is part of what makes me think it's more than just attractiveness and a list of desired qualities.

[CoolSky01]

Iam sure some guys think like that, there are plenty of attractive women around, sure they dont make up the majority but they exist and to me finding one who has the qualities i look for is more than enough, we can keep looking for a 9 or 10 and maybe even get them but its not worth it to keep running after girls everyday, usually guys when they get a pretty girl they like they start thinking " mhmm, she's hot, but that girl is hot too... i have a hot girl iam part of the hot club and she has what iam looking for why would i leave her", its like getting a tattoo, you join a certain club and most guys are just happy to be part of it, but then you have few who want everything in that club, these are the players.

[missnic825]

That's so funny because exactly what you are saying you think, my current boyfriend verbalized to me before we were exclusive... not in those words, but like to the effect that there were hot girls around when he was out but he just kept thinking he didn't want to do anything with them when he had a good thing with me (I'm pretty sure that's how he worded it), lol, apparently that's a common way to think based on what you are saying.

[CoolSky01]

lol that explains it i guess , its like a a club we go out entire life looking for a hot woman (hot to us) once we have that , the other women are still hot but we have an identical "thing" (well not identical but of the same value at least lol) and if she has what we want in a woman we will commit to her, not to say that looks are 100% but they contribute to us making an effort to love a woman , if she is nice, caring , smart and loyal and has a 9/10 face most guys are going to make an effort to love her, more than the 6/10 girl

[FatherJack]

I have stumbled upon Renee Wades stuff & coming from a man , she DOES understand men. One of her comments is that most women EXPECT a man to understand / put in the work to understand & please her , whilst ( in her words ) " she thinks primarily about herself " This sadly is mostly very true , I think in large part is due to " media " programming , men are always portrayed as , at best , morons that cannot function without a woman , I'm a single dad , so that is BS. You must also remember that marriage is a huge risk for a man , marriage is dying because men fear being taken to the cleaners , by default the man is ALWAYS to blame , unless he has damn good evidence in his favour.

[missnic825]

Yes, I have just recently discovered Renee's blog and it immediately resonated with me and felt completely natural, because I am very feminine at my core and have come to realize my independence is something I feel REQUIRED to have to survive as a single woman for so long, but that it is not natural for me, and I actually developed so many stress-induced conditions over the years from having to live so independently, as my nature is to more let a man lead and care for me. I also read what you are talking about with women approaching relationships selfishly and that is so sad to me that it is so common. As a naturally feminine woman I am very giving in my nature and it is instinctive for me to want to give a lot to the man in my life, affection, adoration, sexual pleasure, moral support, my joyful and optimistic outlook, and I love to cook for him too (I love cooking and I especially love cooking for someone special).

[missnic825]

Point being it was a shock for me to find out that this is different from so many women since I have always naturally wanted to give to the man I love (or even like). And you are so right, men are far from useless morons and it is an unfair portrayal. I have found that with most men, if you put your trust in him, he will move mountains to come through for you. And your point about the risks involved for a man make a lot of sense in light of it too, and helps shed more light on why he might be more likely to commit when he feels like he is needed (she isn't very likely to leave him if she NEEDS him). No matter how long we've had to fend for ourselves, I feel like all of us women have something about us that if we're truly vulnerable, we do need to open up and let the man in our life take care of. For example with me, I clearly can function in the world on my own (own career, car, home, dealing with situations myself, etc.), as I have had to for so long. I don't NEED a guy

[missnic825]

To step in and take care of me financially (though I certainly would love it if he did). However, what I have found is that my need is that I need a good man who can take care of me EMOTIONALLY. I am naturally very sensitive and empathetic and in being open with this my boyfriend has taken to stepping in and taking care of my feelings. He is my anchor when I am on the emotional roller coaster, and does little things to cheer me up when I am sad, and comforts me when I am anxious or scared. This is how I need him, and it is a beautiful thing letting myself be taken care of in this way... making me feel more secure and safe, and making him feel like a hero who can rescue me and allowing him to feel needed. I think most women have something they need a good man to take care of, they just need to sift through all the societal brainwashing and search within to find, and then open up to a good man to let h take care of that.

[FatherJack]

Let me say you are definitely a quality woman with that attitude & your boyfriend is very lucky to have found a rare gem !! It's not the fault of women in general , from girlhood , women are subtly programmed to view men as inferior & as just a utility... to be discarded after use , hence the sky high divorce rates , & men avoiding the real risk of marriage in droves & increasingly ( sadly for the decent ladies !! ) shunning women altogether / going MGTOW. This is deliberate , malignant social engineering by those that REALLY pull the big strings , they also fund & support radical man hating feminism..." Divide & Rule " at work.

[missnic825]

Thank you! I think my boyfriend is starting to see me as a gem as well :-) It saddens me what the modern feminist movement has done to masculine men and feminine women... both are made to feel bad for who they really are!!! I read something recently by a radfem where she basically said any kind of sexual penetration is rape, so that basically all men are rapists... I couldn't believe it! How ridiculous. The best (or worst) part, depending on how you look at it, was that it was clear that she really thought her arguments were logical and made sense, and they didn't at all. Like she claimed PIV sex was "unnatural"... huh? That's why it occurs among all kinds of animals in NATURE? It made no sense and I can't believe anyone could actually buy into this crap. It really made me mad! I think there is a lot of man-hating brainwashing out there today, but take heart that I and at least some other women do not buy into it!! I think what probably helped me was that I have two parents who are st

[missnic825]

Still madly in love with each other and have always had a more traditional type of relationship. My Dad. was always good to. my Mom (and to me), and I have three brothers who also always have loved me dearly and who are good to the women in their lives. So for me I couldn't possibly buy into the "men are evil" bs because I knew personally that there were good men out there! I know if I have a daughter I am going to raise her to be proud of being feminine and to not buy into the radfem brainwashing that is so prevalent today. I think it's very admirable that you are taking care of your children as a single dad by the way.

[FatherJack]

Thank you , it's not easy , I have a little lady myself , she's just gone on a sleepover tonight & I will miss her girly cuteness !! ( those are my 2 in my picture ) Seeing posts from decent , but still in the minority , ladies such as your good self give me a glimmer of hope , for my children anyway !! Because of my chosen situation I will have to remain permanently single , but I have accepted this as a small price to pay. Feel free to PM me and / or add on here.

[missnic825]

Yes, both your children are cuties! I'm glad you at least have them to show for what you went through with your ex. I'm also glad your children will be raised to see through the extremist feminist / man-hate propaganda that so many buy into in our society. Sure I will add you!

[Allforit]

It depends on the age group. But for the record, I do feel that this is somewhat correct in the sense that we like to feel needed to a certain extent. And it does help when a woman opens herself to allow you to learn her and who she is. But it's a lot to do with timing. Lots of women want to move faster than the guys they deal with. So even if he does like her, being rushed is a turn off and can make him feel like it's not meant to be. (That's typically what I've noticed in ages 28 and under)

[missnic825]

I agree with what you've said, both about men wanting to feel needed, and on not rushing a man. That's never made any sense to me why anyone would rush their SO (woman or man, but it does seem like women do this much more often than the men)... clearly in a relationship you are two separate individuals, so it only makes sense that you would likely not have the exact same sense of timing! Why so many expect their SO to be on their exact same timetable and proceed to "rush" them, I'll never understand!

[Anonymous]

Well it all depends on the guy himself. If he isn't looking for something more stable, you could give him the world and that probably won't change his mind. I think that even though a girl may have what we are looking for, to commit is a big move and there is possible doubt that although she has all the qualities we look for, if things do not work out we have spent resources (time and money) for no real benefit, if that makes sense.

In my case, I committed because I felt a connection to the person I wanted to date. It involved a lot of talking, a lot of flirting as well, but ultimately what made me commit was that I could approach that person and see myself in a year or two with them. That relationship ended but it was the same for my current one. I guess I just found someone I was attracted to and found that they were approachable.

[worldscolide]

if a guy loves you he'll commit if he hasn't fallen for you all the way that he won't commit it's that simple. it took me months to commit to my wife because I didn't know really how I felt for her until she confronted me about it and I had to make some choices. 3 years later we're married.

[missnic825]

So for you, you needed to be in love before you'd be exclusive? That's cool. I know many though become exclusive / boyfriend-girlfriend even before they fall in love. So I guess it's different for different people then :-)

[worldscolide]

You are right about that. It's completely different for different people.

[Anonymous]

If a girl is equally vunerable and shows she likes him. If she initiates texts and shows interest.

Not if when he is polite she acts serious and innocent whilst at the same time she acts far more energetic and sexual round someone who cares less.

See this: www.girlsaskguys.com/.../a27854-woman-hears-the-exact-same-thing-from-two-guys-but-she-reacts

[Intraluminal]

I think you and she are both right. Its attraction and vulnerability (although I'd call it availability) but there's also *timing* When I guy decides it's time he got married, the gets married to the closest available girl that's a halfway decent fit.
Otherwise, perfection won't do it.

[genericname85]

that´s like asking "what makes a girl want to fuck a guy" ... it´s the wrong question. you intention shouldn´t be to make the other do what you like but to get together and just do the things you´d both like to do.

[missnic825]

To be fair, I wasn't asking what a woman should DO to inspire commitment, I was asking what ABOUT her causes him to want to be exclusive with her. I would never want to MAKE a guy do ANYTHING he didn't want to do. I'm simply just fascinated with the fact that girl A and girl B might be the same level of attractiveness, and have the same personality traits he is looking for, but he wants to be exclusive with girl B and didn't want to with girl A. Hope that makes sense?

[genericname85]

well he obviously has to choose one, if a and b are exactly the same, doesn´t he? but i bet, there´s something about either of them that he just liked more. there is no thing you can do to make him want to commit. this decision comes from within him... or it doen´t. it´s a gamble.

[missnic825]

Yes, my question is in reference to exactly what you said, " but i bet, there´s something about either of them that he just liked more"... my question is what IS this "something about her"? Would it be different depending on the guy? What have you found it to be in your case? That's the heart of what I am asking :-)

[genericname85]

Yes it entirely depends on the guy. It's really hard to quantity it... There are a few things most people like but even those can be hit or Miss.

[Tinygirll]

I totally understand what you are asking. I think more than attractiveness & personality, it's probably more about the chemistry the girl B and the guy has that the girl A does not have.

[orphan]

vulnerability doesn't draw a guy in... it sends those not willing to commit running away.

but yes, it's essential. mutual vulnerability is what allows a couple to build trust.

[missnic825]

You make a good point. This dating guru I am referring to does mention that vulnerability WILL turn some men away, but that those are the men who wouldn't want to commit to you anyway, just as you are saying. And I think from the other side of it, if as a woman we are comfortable being open / vulnerable with a man, that could be because we are picking up on the fact that he is one who would commit / stick around. I know for me I let myself be vulnerable with my current man before I even knew about this dating perspective - I opened up to him because something in me just told me it would be safe to do with him.

[Polocrew]

Not really lol Ima neber go "exclusive" till I loose my prime ha

[missnic825]

Good luck :-)

[Fearless_banana]

If she is attractive and has a good personality. Those two traits are more difficult than you'd think to find in one person together.

[reptocarl]

For me it's simple, love

[missnic825]

I am surprised to hear so many guys need to fall in love before being willing to have a boyfriend / girlfriend relationship. I'm not sure if this is more "female" thinking, but for me, I will certainly become someone's girlfriend / be exclusive first before letting myself fall in love with them. Interesting!

[reptocarl]

That isn't your question. It was about commitment or being exclusive

[missnic825]

When someone becomes boyfriend / girlfriend that IS when they usually first become exclusive isn't it?

[reptocarl]

Yes it is but strong emotional feelings are present

[dudeman]

at my age i dont want to commit but if i were she would have to be something special. young, hot, little sexual experience and not a mouthy bitch.

[swampfawkes]

How do you define commitment? Exclusivity? Marriage? Monogamy?

[missnic825]

I am using commitment / exclusivity interchangeably here so sorry if that's confusing. I mean being exclusive, i. e. making someone your girlfriend (you are dating her and no one else and are actively committed to being in a relationship with her). To me being exclusive implies monogamy because if you're exclusive you're not seeing anyone else. Marriage is a whole separate thing (to me, when you're sure enough about that person you're exclusive with / committed to that you want to commit to the relationship forever). I'm not talking about marriage though, just what about a woman causes you to want to make her your girlfriend / not date other women.