Husband wants to hire a surrogate but I want to adopt?

Question

Is there ever going to be a good compromise here? I'm unable to have children, after a year of trying to fix my own issues we've decided to look at other options. I thought adoption would be an obvious choice but my husband is pretty obsessed with hiring a surrogate for some reason, he won't even look at the websites and other resources I've given him with info on adoption. I'm not sure what to do?

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

If I was in the situation (which must be really horrible for you) I would personally prefer a surrogate over adoption. I can imagine you don't want to go with a surrogate because it would be hard to watch someone else carrying your child, but the child would still be your DNA and part of you and your SO.

You really need to just talk to him about it. Explain why you're against the idea and find out why he is so obsessed with it. See if you can both come to an understanding. Who knows he may even convince you when you hear what he has to say.

You might feel jealous for those 9 months but at least you can be there to watch your own baby develop and then for many years later you can know they have your DNA, his eyes, your smile, etc. You can say "oh he/she looks just like his/her Mother" because you are still biologically the Mother. This is why I would personally choose it. I mean don't get me wrong adoption is still a good option.

writing_essays · Accepted Answer

If you adopt - you might end up with somebody with serious intellectual or physical disabilities. In china you aren't allowed to say no to a child that is severely disabled if you agree to be an adoptive parent - you get whatever they feel like giving you and you are stuck with that choice for the rest of your life. One of my friends was disabled and his parents disowned him and he was adopted by a filipino family (his biological parents were chinese) and he worked in manual labour making a little more than mininum wage but he will never be an engineer or astronaut.

samhradh_leannan · Accepted Answer

You need to have a talk with him. Choose a time when he is calm, and not busy or distracted. Explain that the two of you need to discuss this matter because in order to make a decision, you have to come to an agreement. Refusing to discuss it is simply not an option. Once he's willing to talk things out, ask him why it's important to him to hire a surrogate, and why he is against adoption. Then explain to him why you prefer to adopt. You can't reach a compromise or come to an agreement if you don't even understand why each of you feels the way you do.

Browneye57 · Accepted Answer

I am not knowledgeable enough about surrogate mothers so can't really comment on that. However at first glance I do not like the idea of another woman carrying a child to term, birthing it, and then giving it up - that just does not make sense to me - it seems cruel. But I have heard of women selling themselves off like that. The more I think about it the more I think it would just not be an option for me.

Adoption is a terrific way to save a child, make a family. Consider getting some outside counseling on the subject - a knowledgeable third party that can discuss the options and ramifications.

My wife's sister and husband adopted a baby girl from China (then tend to kill off the girls) and she's a wonderful young lady today. She just doesn't look like them!

guy532 · Accepted Answer

What I don't understand from reading your other comments is why would it hurt you to have a surrogate? Because you won't get to carry your baby and nurture it? Well if that's the real reason then it's an incredibly dumb reason to want to adopt because guess what? you didn't carry that baby either. No matter what happens the baby you get is going to come out of another women's womb, wouldn't you rather have a baby that's genetically yours and will most likely be similar to you and your personality?

OlderAndWiser · Answer

If you can afford a surrogate, why would you want to deny him the opportunity of having a child that is his genetic progeny? Do you feel threatened by that idea?

TheEbionite · Answer

The reason why he is "obsessed" with the surrogate is because he wants a child with his own DNA; that is THE REASON men get married: they want a child that is fully theirs; there are no other benefit to marriage except knowing that the child you are raising is yours. Adoption is not the same, it is basically you forcing yourself to raise another person's child.

I would say, without a doubt, that your husband gives you everything you want in life, suffers in the process, doesn't complain, and doesn't ask for much... but THIS is very important to him. I understand that it's difficult to watch another woman carry your child, but you will be unhappy for 9 months... if you adopt he will be unhappy much longer than that (he may put on a smile throughout though. It is easy for a woman to deceive herself, but men are too logical for that). You have to think that this may cause a permanent unhappiness (more so for him then for you) if you adopt, but temporary unhappiness for you. If you are will to take that risk adopt.

abc3643 · Answer

Didn't I answer this question for you a month or so ago? In particular, this MHO... Tangentially...

madhatters4 · Answer

for some reason?

because a surrogate would produce a child (if you go with IV) with your genes. i imagine that's his reasoning. he's like a child who bears his genes

i think you should sit down with each other and discuss both your reasons for and against both options. compromise should be obtainable it just requires two people being open to finding a middle ground

bente2 · Answer

I mean, maybe he feels he won't be able to love the child when it's not his. Women tend to be easier on this: loving kids that aren't yours, because they're still kids and you love kids. It's a behaviour that goes waaaay back to our shared dna with monkeys.

A solution: look at his options and then ask him to look at yours. If he doesn't want to or is disinterested make a renark that will shake him.

Sara413 · Answer

You guys need to ah draw up lists of the reasons you do and don't want to go with various options and then sit down and thoroughly discuss every alternative and the reasons on your lists.

ibodi · Answer

I will adopt orphan in Ukraine that really need to be helped instead of producing a trouble in the world and Ukraine produce the most beautiful babies in the world.

snowangle · Answer

You're going to have to talk it out. Why does he so prefer surrogacy? Is it important to him that he has offspring that share his DNA?

Jager66 · Answer

you can't make someone raise a child that isn't biologically theirs. If he isn't open to adoption then that's pretty much the end of it.

jman46241 · Answer

I would side with having a surrogate.. It's your egg and his sperm. Compromise on adopting after I believe.

Tony1974 · Answer

If you don't mind me asking, why can't you have children of your own?  Your husband wants to have children with YOU.. not take care of somebody else's child.

Twiggles · Answer

Because he still wants his child to have his dna. The best way to affect his opinion would be to go to an orphanage with him. It can be a truly moving experience. Personally, I'm the son of an orphan.

Maik567 · Answer

He probably wants to spread his own genes, that's pretty important for guys you know.

Anonymous · Answer

You both have to weigh the options- make a pro and con list. Include things such as the cost, what's better for both of you in the long run. Maybe you're husband wants a child with his genes.

Iraqveteran666 · Answer

He wants the child to be his. You should relent and allow him this after all he has stuck by you when many guys wouldn't have.

NajemEddine · Answer

i never wanted to say this but god your are pathetic  u rather adopt than using a surrogate are u stupid

Anonymous · Answer

Does he want to have sex with the surrogate to make her pregnant OR have your 'egg' and his sperm implanted in her?

Anonymous · Answer

My vote goes to the surrogate so they get his big dick gene and are always happy with life!

1truekhaleesi · Answer

Adopt there's enough children in the world.

Edymemelord · Answer

Tell him that you really don't want to?

Intraluminal · Answer

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Husband wants to hire a surrogate but I want to adopt?

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