Ok, listen. I don't nees you to bash me in about how cheating is bad.
I KNOW.
I was young and I had stupid defense mechanisms.
I told my boyfriend about it. He told me to never do it again, but that it wasn't the worst I could have done.
And he bloody fucking forgave me.
The lovely bastard forgave me for cheating on him.
It's been three years since and I haven't gotten over it. Some part of me doesn't want to forget, as a sort of "self punishment", but my boyfriend literally tells me to move on and to stop sulking about a dumb mistake i did.
What the fuck do i do? I told him, believing it was the end and i fucked up the best relationship i coukd have ever wished for, but he was like nah its ok.
I even thought that maybe HE cheated on me!
(but no, he didn't)
This guy is a sweetheart, the most loving adorable person and after that stupid mistake, I took a long hard look at myself and decided to change for him.
I am absolutely madly in love with this man.
I don't know what to do with myself. How am i supposed to forgive risking such a wonderful man. Ahhshwjeklekrkeke help.
Also, no angry ass comments saying 'ChEaTing iS Bad" "Always a cheater" bs. I know what happened and it won't occur again.
Updates
+1 y
Ok just to do a little answering here; I was obviously wondering why the fuck did he forgive but, but according to him, he knew the girl i was 3 years ago and he said that, in the given circumstances, he understands why I did what I did, within the fucked up mindset that I was protecting myself.
Well, it sounds like you have one exceptionally forgiving boyfriend. I cannot claim that any part of me understands how he can be, but seems he is. You seem to be aware that you are very fortunate that he is that way, so I won't hammer the point any harder.
Honestly, I don't think you should forgive yourself. I don't know the extent to which this is affecting your life. But unless you're so affected, that it's at the point where you might need to see a professional about your guilt: because it's having a significant impact on other aspects of your life. If you're loosing weight, or lost a job, or can't handle school, or can't get out of bed some days, or anything at a similar level of "seriousness" then I would say you should talk to a professional.
To be quite honest with you though. Anything short of that level of seriousness seems to me to be nothing but the appropriate level of guilt to feel for what you did.
I will say though, in all seriousness that I commend, and respect you FOR feeling the way you do. Because, like I said, I do think it's appropriate and justified. Yet many people would not accept responsibility for doing wrong--even to themselves--enough to feel the full weight of the guilt that they SHOULD, by all rights feel. I think it's a self-protection mechanism. People have trouble accepting just how horrible what they've done truly is. You seem to be a very rare case of someone who has faced your own mistake squarely and accepted its actual gravity. I genuinely respect that. That does put you a notch above your "average cheater" in my books.
I say you shouldn't forgive yourself not because I think you deserve to suffer as punishment for your offence. I say you shouldn't forgive yourself because doing so would be forgiving yourself for something that is, frankly unforgivable for all but a TINY handful of people who, like your boyfriend seem to not care.
So for the rest of the world, that level of guilt is right. You shouldn't let it consume your life or ruin your relationship (if he's not going to hold it against you).
But to me, if you are able to do the mental contortions and incorporate the denial, rationalizations, justifications, excuses and all the rest... Then what that means is that you really AREN'T sorry. That it's something you totally could do again, to this guy or some future boyfriend. If you can forgive something unforgivable, you have now basically taken the position that cheating is ok. It can just be a mistake that people make. It's a fuck up. People aren't perfect. People aren't perfect, but cheating is never justified.
Let me put it this way: if I get into a petty argument with some guy in a parking lot, and I pull out a gun and shoot him in the head.
Aside from prison and all that, wouldn't it be fundamentally wrong if I EVER actually forgave myself for that?
I did something for which there was no justification or excuse whatever. It was wrong. Plain and simple. It was wrong. It would be really messed up if I somehow convinced myself that it was anything BUT totally wrong. Forgiving myself would require that I see my actions as somehow excusable. They were not. No matter how I try to lie to myself for my own piece of mind, it's wrong, and I'm moving the wrong way of I'm trying to forgive myself. Learn from the guilt. That's what it's there for. It will keep you from doing the same thing ever again.
It wasn't the right thing to do, I know it now. Not to justify or excuse myself, but I do come from a family where manipulation and blackmail was the way to go, which I thought was what my boyfriend was going to do.
Here's what i posted under another person's reply :
My boyfriend wanted me to send nudes, to start getting sexual, etc. It was my first experience. I didn't trust him at the time, not at ALL. And i did send him pictures, because "that's what people in relationships do".
And then shit happened where I told myself that, if he ever blackmails me with these photos, I had no means of protecting myself.
So my stupid defense mechanism is normalizing the fact that I sent pictures of me, so that's how i cheated. I send nudes to random ass people just to normalize it, and then if i was blackmailed by my boyfriend, I would've been like "ha! You're not special, you don't have that power over me!"
So, yeah. Stupid defense mechanism.
And yeah, I spoke about this with him, he said that he should have made sure I felt safe first before pressuring me in any way, but that I was a dumbass for thinking about the worst case scenario and making plans to protect myself over a hypothetical situation of him blackmailing me.
Well I think it's stupid but understandable. I had a friend who left her boyfriend "before he had the chance to leave her", which he wasn't going to do. In those moments you go into fight or flight mode and you raced into flight mode hardcore. Also that statement once a cheater always a cheater or once something always something is a lie and stupid as hell to tell anyone. People change, recover and notice their mistakes and stop usually, maybe not always but the good ones do. You gotta realize you are human, you aren't no perfect person, you sin, we all sin. Shit happens, we make mistakes, we hurt but we also forgive. He chose to forgive cause he loves you. He heard your hurt, realized where he also went wrong. He didn't blame you 100%, maybe still like 80% or 75% but he also went wrong and took that into account. Not always but when problems arise in relationships it can be that both parties are doing something wrong even without noticing their part in it.
It's not right to punish yourself over it. It's been long enough, he still loves you, your well being still matters to him. There is a time you need to forgive yourself and I promise you it's time right now, it's been long enough. You won't do it again, you reassured us and yourself and him. You gotta stop expecting something bad and accept that it's over with and you can move on with your love
Not a problem, its honest and true. Dont listen to the people on here saying he should leave you also, that will work against your progress. Haters hate, that's what they excel at. You are awesome and you got this
You need to come to grips on what you did, and why. Once you do that, accept that it happened. It was a choice you made, you regret and will change for. Then tell yourself, that out of anyone, he could have been the most hurt. But he isn’t. He forgave you and wants you to forgive yourself. You owe him self forgiveness.
Cheating is one kinds of mistake you can make it a relationship, but there are others, such as telling lies. EVERYONE makes mistakes in relationships and everyone survived and moved on. What separates the good people from everyone else is that the good people learn from their mistakes, change their behavior, and makes themselves become a better partner for their SO. If you have done all of that, you have done all that you can do.
Welcome to Gag Town and Best of Luck. Forget this, As long as You are Not Doing or Screwing Anymore, Shut the Door... No man Wants to Keep Hearing this Here, dear. xxoo
Well, you don't, as far as I can tell ever "forgive yourself" for it. You do move on however and to do that is to accept what you did but more importantly you accept that it wasn't a mistake it wasn't a defensive mechanism that it wasn't circumstances, it was you and you alone. You made a choice, the wrong one and now you've got the current situation your in. I'm not saying you should hate yourself forever or you should hate yourself now (believe me, I would like to ridicule you for cheating but the fact is if your trying to make amends then no one should try and stop you. Any one who punishes you forever is only condoning the behavior as they are not allowing you to become more then what you where). So while you where undoubtedly messed up at the time, the fact is you still have to take responsibility for your actions and your choices.
For example, I punched a kid in fifth grade who had done no wrong. I was abused as a kid and I used anger to help overcome my fear and pain. That however doesn't alter in the slightest what I did, I hurt an innocent person and even though it may seem like no big deal that's stuck with me for the rest of my life. It was wrong, it was understandable given the circumstances but it was wrong and it was my choice. So I used that screw up to get me to realize my own issues and to learn how to deal with them appropriately. That's basically all you can do. You screwed up, it was no one elses fault but yours but then that's a good thing because it means that you where the problem and you where the solution.
So ask yourself why you did it, what you have lost (you are now forced to see yourself as being a "bad person" because you hurt some one who loved you (this isn't unique to you, every one is a "bad person" most just are to afraid to act on that dark side of themselves), but the upside is that your also a good person because your feeling guilt for it and you are trying to fix it (every person has this dichotomy its just few people are self aware enough to notice it (I believe the psychologist Carl Jung called it the shadow, the darkness that is inside every one that everyone needs to eventually confront in order to be a fully actualized human being.).
So don't do it again (obviously) figure out why you did it and make a deliberate attempt to be the person you want to be rather then the person you where and are. Then also don't live your life in a constant state of apology because while you should suffer a punishment for doing wrong you shouldn't have to suffer that punishment forever, the punishment should be sever enough to ensure that you understand why what you did was wrong so that you can learn from it not so you can live your life perpetually flagellating yourself over your screw up. If you do that eventually you will be able to live with yourself and accept that who you where is not who you are.
In short, she ran from the one who loved her because of her shame and lack of self worth. e. g. there was a driving reason why she did what she did. I suspect that is what is really bugging you... why did you do this and thus will you do it again? You don't want to hurt him... maybe you don't really feel in control of your emotions, worthy as a person.
I've found that inside of us is a "design" and as we go through life, that design is working on us to perfect us, to work out the emotional junk that wasn't ours. I think you are in that process of discovery. So much of this thus roots back to childhood.. what we were trained, traumas and what in short we believe about ourselves. As we live... we draw from that reserve and that is what we give to others and ourselves. A lot of times... we give crap until the inner stuff is repaired!
There are books on forgiveness, it's a tough tough topic to master. And thus, you are learning a valuable life skill... how to forgive. You don't forget, what you do is recognize... like boyfriend said... who made that decision, where you drew that from, you learn and grow from that. Then... you have the strength to confront such risk again in the future... in effect, you've learned something about yourself and humanity and grown.
You should really stop bashing yourself as three years is more than enough of self punishment. My fear is that if you do not forgive yourself totally it will fester with in you and grow to something that not only cause you greater angst and it will also affect you overall health and it could also cause relationship problems also. I say this with the same experiance, but my affair lasted 8 months in which I was seriously trying to be happy. After which I ended the affair in a serious bid to save my marriage. I also worshiped my then wife but I did not feel her love in return. Much like you I brow beated my self for about the same amount of time. I was fortunate to have a great Gay friend who wanted to get me out of negative way I was then inflicting on myself. We wined and dined together and clubbed together in Ottawa, Ontario's Gay scene. He really did his best to aid me, and he did about 30% of the job of finding the real me underall that negativity. What aided me the most was my mountain bike. I rode every spare moment I had. It really did save me. I would tell you the find some way to physically exhaust yourself yourself as when we do this our self abuse stops for the time. This time allows us to forgive and forget the pain we caused not only to the relationship but ultimately to sease the self incriminating. You are very fortunate to have such a super relationship and such a wonderful guy. Please do not jeopardize your mental health, which will affect your overall general health and could even harm what you cherish to most. You deserve the peace and tranquility again. Give yourself the chance to accomplish this life saving healing.
Actually I've been there. It's not about forgiving yourself or the wrong or right about cheating. The important thing is the why, what you learned from the experience, and growing as a person. All that has to come from you. Only you can self reflect and really understand the why and what to do about it. Once you understand the why you can better move forward. It is impossible to move on in a healthy way if you don't understand the why. Here is the thing, you may think you know the why, but if you still can't move on then there is still something missing. To give you some perspective I cheated on my wife of 17 years, 17 years! Long story short, it took some time to realize that I didn't love my wife, not that I fell "out of love" but I never truly loved her completely since the beginning and if I truly loved her I would not have ever cheated on her in the first place, it would never even had been a temptation. Sure she was a kind, caring person, great person, attractive, etc. But I never truly loved her and again long story short so I'm not going to explain all that here.
This guy might be a great guy but that doesn't mean you truly love him. I made that mistake for 17 years!
As for him forgiving you it could be a couple of things. Maybe he truly loved you. In my experience that's not most people though. It could be that in his mind that he thinks he isn't going to find anyone better than you, it could be that he somehow thinks he deserves to be with a girl that has cheated on him as some kind of punishment (similar to what you said), or something else.
Actually, your guy did a wonderful job in messing you up psychologically.
The logical reply or action would have to be mad or leave you but no. He even forgives you and that is what you have a hard time swallowing because indirectly, he put such a pressure on you and installed this doubt, that you are still not over with after 3 years.
He punishes you his own way by mentally screwing you up, which is much worse than to give you the boot or a whack.
What does he achieve like that?
1. He makes you insecure 2. He makes you feel guilty beyond what would have been the case if he would have been upset 3. He angers you because he did not cheat yet he forgave you 4. By installing that doubt in your mind, you lower your self esteem and dignity
That is a fine way to repay what you have done because he has a free conscience and you a guilty one.
That is the way I see things based on your account and the way you phrase it.
What the fuck is this reply? She cheats on a seemingly nice guy who hasn't given her any shit for betraying him, took the time to really empathise with her situation and still reassures her consistently three years in. Yet somehow you manage to blame the victim like he is malicious? You're truly a man hater I am guessing, most men would have told her to leave and never spoken to her again.
Yes but exactly how bad is the cheat? Maybe your boyfriend feels that it wasn't that big of a deal because it wasn't like she went out and had sex with anyone
@WolfsRoze Actually, from a psychological point of view, cheating once or multiple times makes not much difference. It is the act in itself that is determining the perception of the action, not the frequency.
I am not talking about this case in particular now but very frequently, the recurrence is a matter of time.
This is just plain stupid 😂 you're psychologically analyzing some dude you never met? For all we know, maybe she did something that, in his eyes, was just unimportant? She said under someone's comment that she sent nudes (i think) 🤔 maybe nudity wasn't a big deal for the guy?
You're the one who said he is punishing her by mentally screwing her up. I just think you based this on nothing. But now you're totally contradicting yourself so I'm out.
He did forgive you but dwelling on it after he forgave you is going to put a strain on your relationship and ultimately could destroy the relationship.
Personally I'm in the camp of I couldn't forgive someone but I have two good friends who say they could. In one case I would have never guessed her husband would have cheated. He's just a good guy. He came from a messed up family and then had a bad first relationship so he didn't trust my friend said her male friend was just a friend. I guess that is when he slipped and he confessed.
Another friend I'm not sure if she was cheated on or the cheater.
So go get therapy and even maybe have a therapy session with your boyfriend and let this go. You can't go back and undo it.
I don't really ever forgive does who have cheated but you seem really sincere and you were young, i don't know what was running through your when you did it so i won't judge.
I think it's best you can see it as a sliver lining it was a wake up call that you needed to change and work on your relationship. You not forgiving yourself isn't going to make anyone happy, it's not going he's going to be stratified with you feeling down about it constantly.
You honestly need to move on from it or it will carry on into your whole life and see it was something that made your relationship stronger than it used to be, but your love for each other was stronger than a silly mistake you made in the past.
You can partly forgive yourself, by admitting that you are human, and like all humans, you screw up badly some times. You can also accept that you were apparently hurting, and didn't know a better way to stop the hurt. Not actually an excuse, but what clouded your judgment. You can also let go of the guilt, by accepting your boyfriends gift of forgiveness, by letting go. You haven't fully accepted his loving gift, if you hang on to the guilt. Give him him the respect of letting go of the guilt. That is what he wants to give you. Yes, I know it's not that easy because you really love him. But do little things. Refuse to think about the cheating, refuse to think about the guilt You won't be able to do this perfectly, but if you work at it, it will lessen. Just make up your mind, that you will deliberately think of something else when the guilt pops up. I hope all goes well with you.
I honestly don’t think it’s a bad thing if you don’t forgive yourself. You did a bad thing and you should feel bad about it because that just keeps you from doing it again. This doesn’t mean you should stay fixated on it though. Try to think on the bright side and focus on the fact that your boyfriend is a great guy and was willing to forgive you. The good thing in all of this is that you know that what you did was wrong and you are trying to change. That’s more than what a lot of people who cheat can do so try not to beat yourself up. We all make mistakes and this is one that it looks like you won’t be making again.
Not forgiving yourself is positive reinforcement to not do it again. Bc once you do forgive yourself, there's no mental block stopping you from doing it again. Not to sound negative, but that's the truth if it happened once, only thing stopping it from happening again are your thoughts.
I've definitely known that I'm self punishing myself by not allowing myself to forget it, but I don't want him to think that I'm still with him because I'm trying to make amends?
Loving someone means accepting everything including flaws and mistakes.
You’re lucky to have him. Just don’t dwell on it anymore be a better version of you. He knows you more than anyone else here that’s why forgiving you is the right thing for him to do.
Maybe look at it differently. You feel bad, not only because it was wrong, but I assume, didn't want to hurt him like that either, so it's only natural that you'd feel bad if you care for him. I wouldn't look at it as "forgiving yourself" (because you'll always feel bad about it), but that you made a mistake. Mistakes happen. What's important is that you learn from it and don't repeat it. If he forgives you, then what's done is done. You can't go back and fix or change it, all you can do is learn. Figure out why you cheated and why you let yourself do it so you'll maybe thing twice if you're tempted to again in the future. And when you figure all this out, you can also share it with him. It will show him how bad you feel and how serious you are about not repeating it, which... will make you feel better also likely. And if something isn't right in your relationship (that lead you to cheat in the first place), then work on that and fix that. Because that's the real problem.
Sounds like you can't stand for anyone to forgive you because you can't forgive yourself. You are saying your boyfriends forgiveness is not good enough. Like you have to earn it or something. If you can't get over it I suggest you break up with your boyfriend until you do because if someone wouldn't accept my forgiveness I would wonder if they genuine in being sorry. It would just get awkward if they kept bashing themselves over something I put behind me. I would finally hate them by the shoulders and say get the fuck over it because I already have. Now you do the same.
Honestly in times like these you just got to let go of your pride and self worth you condemn yourself because you know what you did was wrong and you are holding yourself to a higher standard which you failed to fulfill in times like these the only way to move on is to release these standards and self hate now I don't mean release your standards and cheat again but its your standard which is beating you up and you gotta release it forgiveness is the act of letting go just let go of this high standard and let go of the self hate of course make sure you never cheat again but it can't stay because you'll forever hate yourself otherwise
Seems to me if he could forgive you then you should forgive yourself. What would be worst is him forgiving you and you not forgiving yourself cause a problem that will end things. If you learn from your mistakes then there's no reason not to forgive yourself. Look forward to your future and leave the past where it belongs.
2
0 Reply
Anonymous
(25-29)
+1 y
Take it as a lesson learned. You can't change the past, but you can learn from it and choose not to make the same mistakes again. You've obviously figured out that cheating is wrong and have no intentions of doing it again.
Emotional infidelity hurts worse than sexual infidelity. Your remorse and the attention you gave him certainly cushioned the news, and made the infidelity feel more sexual rather than emotional. You weren't willfully or truly wanting to be ignoring him for some other guy at that time it sounds, or perhaps even when you cheated. And since guys are more loyal and "desperate" than modern girls, mere sexual infidelity is something that can be gotten past. Men are used to putting work in, women are used to experiencing benefits, provisions and pamperings. So that's why guys tend to put up with more than what women put up with.
Most Helpful Opinions