If he says he's "not really looking for a relationship" but is he changing his mind?

There's this guy I've been dating for a little over a month now. We started hanging out casually with a group of friends for the first couple of weeks, but we've been getting closer and closer as time goes on.

We both knew we were attracted to each other and we get along really well. He was upfront with me early on in telling me that he wasn't really looking for a relationship. He's had two serious relationships in the past and he ended up getting hurt, so I guess he's afraid of ending up in another situation like that. I told him that I was and he said that we could see what happens.

Now even though he said he's not looking for a relationship, things have seemingly been progressing in that direction. We talk every day even if we don't see each other. He always includes me in his plans for the weekend and tries to see me at least once during the week even if it's just to go for a quick walk because he says he misses me. He's very affectionate toward me and is always holding my hand, putting his arms around me, and kissing me when we're together. But he's never pushed for sex.

We talk about all kinds of things and he's even opened up to me about some of the not-so-good things in his past. We have tons of stuff in common and both have similar laid back personalities. He's pretty much everything I've been looking for. He's often told me that I'm the coolest girl he's ever met and that he likes me a lot.

So now I'm confused because even though he said he doesn't want a girlfriend he treats me as a guy would his girlfriend. Is it possible that he's changing his mind and is considering being in a relationship with me, or is he likely to never put a label on things and keep them in a vague middle ground? I really like him a lot and I'm afraid of getting attached to something that can never go anywhere.

I'm hearing back from a lot of the girls on this, but not the boys. Come on guys I could use your input here more! What does it mean to you if you tell a girl that?
Thanks for all the answers on this, but I don't need any more now. We're officially in a relationship :)


Most Helpful Guy

  • Well, you've been given some good female advice, but I'll be the first man to chime in...

    The reason he told you that is simply because He's not interested in a commitment right now. It's true that he "may" still be hurting from a past breakup (but it really doesn't affect us as much as women sometime, because we really can separate or emotions if need be), so we can rule that out.

    A relationship means "we have to." meaning, "we have to" hang out with you consistently, "we have to" talk all the time. "we have to" spend time and money on you, and "we have to" meet your family. Don't read too much into that, it just "is what it is", don't make a big deal about it, it's just the truth

    You are in a good place with him. Why? because he is doing all those things because he WANT'S to, and not because he has to, or is obligated to. So you are doing something right. Keep it up!

    Let me help you close the deal. I know from experience, because I do this same thing in relationships, and this is what it takes for a women is to corral me.

    1. Do NOT bring up "the talk" anytime soon. Do not discuss the relationship, or where it is going, or needs to go. Leave that for much later. You have to gain some traction b4 you can pull that off w/o him running.

    2. Play it cool. Just have fun with him. Make sure that you stay positive and joyful when ever with him. Once he associates you with a fun time, you'll be a first round pick whenever he want to do anything.

    3. Don't play games. Don't try and make it seem like your not into him. You know you r, he knows you r. so just leave it at that. Trust me, he knows that the more time he spends with you, the more you are expecting to end up together, he gets that, and he's still around.

    4. Understand, you are on a trial run right now. Truth be told, he is just trying you "on for size". That's why he won't commit. DO NOT SLEEP WITH HIM! if you do, his respect for you is finished, and so are your chances. (men won't tell you this, but when a women gives it away outside of a deep commitment, something inside of us automatically loses a good amount of interest in her.) if you break this rule, it's over

    5. Be yourself, and show your best. He'll began to fall in love w/o even knowing it. One day it will just "hit him" and he'll know how blessed he is to have you in his life.

    6. Just Relax. Soon, you will become irreplaceable. His recent memories, and upcoming plans will involve you. You are now a vital part of his life, and men don't like change. When that time comes, your move will be to pull away slightly until he can't stand not having you around. At that point, you will have him hooked.

    How will you know when that time is? look out for when you two start setting long term goals, and working on things like personal development together. When your relationship matures to where you are helping each other become better people, you have him. Make your move, and watch him bite.

    I wish you the best:)

    • Wow fantastic answer! Thank you for putting so much thought into it! I'm glad to have gotten a guy's perspective on this. We actually did end up talking about this just a little while, and the good news is, he didn't go running and he said he DOES want a relationship with me. Guess I can stop worrying now :)

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    • Thank you so much :)

    • -_- I was in this situation! but I tried to play it cool- he thought I was uninterested now I'm pretty sure he's uninterested...i want to try to talk to him but its hard cause I don't know if he's even interested..

Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 5

  • seems like that classic case where the guy feels comfortable when there are no labels on the relationship. if he was me, I might be afraid that any time I got into a relationship it fails. for him, relationships have failed the past two times. so 1. he is probably scared that if he labels it, it may fail. 2. he is afraid that once he let's you know how interested he is then things will change and the relationship will fail. or 3. he is just tired of trying to be in a relationship and doesn't want to be tied down. I don't think its 3. because he is acting out the relationship. I'd say its a combo of 1 and 2. just don't push him. if you really want an answer spend less time with him and talk to him less.

    • Thanks for your answer, but this problem was solved a long time ago lol. We've been together for three months now :)

  • After coming out of serious relationships, it takes a lot of time to build back up to the idea of being with someone else. you have to just keep taking it slow and wait for him to tell you he is ready

  • well congratulations, even though I have never been in relationship(long story) I thinks its safe to say to take things slowly even though if he's showing you mix signals don't get to close to him until he feels sure its OK to take it to the next level.

  • then why worrie to much and find me right. I guise...

  • i've been in very similar situations. usually I didn't put a label on it. I think you're having wishful thinking, the way you wrote this question makes it gear towards you having a relationship with him which might not happen

    • Well I just saw him tonight and it did happen. We're officially a couple now :)

    • congratulations then! maybe I'm just an asshole stringing girls on then...

    • lol thanks!

What Girls Said 9

  • I think you're heading in the right direction...most importantly, don't rush anything and stop reading into what's going on so much just because you want it to happen so badly. I've been with my boyfriend for a year now and "I don't want a relationship" was his anthem when we first met because he just had his heart broken. Now a year later we live together and we love each other very much. I pretty much ignored the fact he said he didn't want anything and I let whatever happen happened. I didn't push him into anything. He actively stayed around, would plan things with me and his family, and stay at my house. Just relax and enjoy his company and friendship. But whatever you would do in a relationship ( like sex and cuddling...physical stuff mainly) save for down the road when you two know each other better.

    I am not saying it's going to happen for you like it did for me...just saying remind yourself when you get caught up in your thoughts about a relationship with this guy that he's not ready and this is just a friendship. You'll know when you two have moved into relationship levels...you won't have to ask or be confused. Hope it all works out!

    • Thanks for your input! That sounds pretty similar to our situation and that's what I've been trying to do. I just hate having that nagging thought at the back of my head.

    • Yea...I get that, but take your head out of the game. Girls think way way too much sometimes. Esp. when it comes to emotions. lol Kinda watch the pattern of how you think of things too. I know when I am near my period/on it the thoughts take me over...I really have 2 separate what my hormones are controlling and what are my actual thoughts lol. If that makes any sense at all. Really though the key to this is just have fun and forget about a relationship until it's actually time to think about it

  • 1. Unless you are 13, who hasn't been hurt by some aspect of past(s) relationships. Even your relationship with your parents can mess with your future love life.

    2. Guys and girls who have had crummy past relationships still end up in future relationships. It isn't a matter of getting over the past, it is all about how enticing the person they have an opportunity with is now.

    3. When a guy says he isn't looking for a relationship, believe him. It doesn't mean he might not get into a relationship, but it probably won't be with you.

    4. Guys can do a lot of things that make you think he is treating you like a girlfriend without any concern and they can not push for sex, but none of that means they are with you because they are changing their mind about you. Many guys are not going to "push" for sex and will be fine to wait until that happens.

    For me, a situation like this is a situation I would avoid unless you are 100% beyond fine with being in the FWB zone or having your feelings crushed when you grow even more attached and he never changes this up to a relationship. Why go there? Move on and make yourself available for the guy who is dying to have you for his girlfriend. Don't you deserve that?

    • You're absolutely right! I do deserve that! We actually made it official tonight :)

    • Good deal!

  • I know that when I say that to a guy its because I'm not that interested in him but that he will do for the moment.

  • My ex said that to me when we broke up...and now he's with another girl...so who knows? Just don't get too attached and wait to see what happens !

  • The guy I was with did the same thing, and he wanted to be my boyfriend later on. Right now, we're not together for other reasons, but it sounds like you guys are both on the right track. Gl

  • So, what's the status on this boy? Are you guys in a relationship now? Can you update plz?

    • Yes we are! I said it in some of the comments, but I guess I can add an update too lol

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    • Extremely, we're like two peas in a pod :) Thanks for asking!

    • Good to hear!

  • a guy I've been seeing for about a month, told me he doesn't want a relationship for a few years. but i am looking for one. not sure what i should do…who did you react when he told you he didn't want one? hope you can help :)

  • He just enjoy your company, hon and likes not havinga title to whaty yall are doing. I guess it makes him still feel free as a single person and yall are pretty much lettin things flow. Just because he says he doesn't want it, doesn't mean it can't happen esp how things are going, he just may change his mond or can't help wantin more. right now, just enjoy being with him and see what happens.

  • Ever heard the expression "Why bother buying the milk when you get the cow for free?". That's what happening here. He's saying one thing and doing another, what he really should have said is that "I'm not ready for a relationship WITH YOU (but I'll still string you along and get all the freebies nonetheless)". He's being a complete throbber, I suggest you say that you're not ready to be taken for an idiot, because basically that's what he's doing with you. Treating you like a second rate girlfriend while he's still on the lookout for the next best thing. You're not top of his list at the moment, so don't kid yourself you ever will be. You're just a stop gap that's all.

    • I see what you're saying but I really don't think that's the case. If it were why hasn't he tried to sleep with me yet? And he hasn't seemed interested in other girls either, his focus seems to be 100% on me...

    • I should also mention he's expressed a desire to meet my mom. Why would he care if he knows he doesn't want to stick around?

    • Lol looking back at this answer makes me laugh now. I'm so glad I didn't take this advice. The situation worked out wonderfully for me. Maybe you shouldn't be so cynical in the future. Who knows how many potential great guys you could pass up by not giving them a little time.

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