Should I break up with my boyfriend for constantly pushing me to be “better”?

[Anonymous]

I consider myself to be pretty confident and good at making decisions. I trust myself and I am patient and sure that I am doing well. With my background, I have came such a long way and I’m proud of myself for it. I don’t personally smoke, drink, or party regularly and I have been adamantly saving. My boyfriend and I have been dating for 2 months and I find myself getting irritated by all his suggestions that I “get a better job” or him sending me links to purchase a new car. I appreciate that he wants to push me to “greatness” but I honestly just feel judged. His behavior and insistence on doing “better” only aggravated me because I am doing fine. He strikes me as the kind of guy who is over obsessed with looking like he is doing good in life rather than actually enjoying it. And I think of myself as a practical person. I don’t fix things that work just fine, and I don’t obsess over how I need to be “a better person” every day. I feel like he doesn’t like me for who I am

Updates

+1 y

He is a good person but he hasn’t made me feel good about myself. It’s not like I was dissatisfied with life when I met him. I was actually proud of myself. I came a long way. In my earlier years I had to beat obstacles that most people don’t even have to deal with. I don’t like being pushed to be “better” when a I have already pushed myself. My average life is like another life in comparison to the old me. I’m not a project I just want to be “enough” for once in my life. I felt better single

[aWes0MeNeSs]

Have you discussed any of this with him? Tell him that while you appreciate that he is trying to help you become the best you can be, there are certain things you are satisfied with as they are and have no desire to prove anything to anyone. If he doesn't understand this and he's more concerned with what other people think than your happiness, then yes, it sounds like you're incompatible.

As a side note, I completely agree with you when it comes to "if it ain't broke, don't fix it". I drive an older car that I absolutely love, has been an excellent car, and have no desire to replace until it dies (and I will be extremely upset when that day comes; that car is perfect for me in every way!). I've had people ask me if I was thinking about trading it in for something new and flashy. Hell no! I don't want the car payment, I don't want that absolutely awful new car smell (I know it goes away, but it takes an eternity and makes me nauseous until it does), I don't want to have to get used to an entirely different car, and although this is the least important thing to worry about, I honestly think most new cars are hideously ugly, lol. The car runs and drives great, is extremely reliable, and it makes me happy. I also work a job that, while the pay is actually pretty good and I'll eventually move up to a position where I'll make damn good money, is often seen as a job most people look down on and isn't "impressive". I don't have a fancy college degree. So what? I'm still going to do every bit as well as most of my college graduate friends, only without the student debt.

Honestly, life is too short to forego enjoyment just for the sake of trying to fit other people's ideas of success. I know I'm preaching to the choir here, but maybe bring that up to your boyfriend. Who cares what other people think? If they're taking time out of their lives to ridicule others for not being "successful", chances are they have way too much free time on their hands and are miserable with their own situations. Actually, most people don't even focus that much on others, they are too focused on themselves, so he's really just hurting himself.

[lumos]

My knee-jerk reaction to the title was "just talk to him about it" but now that I know more details, it sounds like the two of you simply aren't a good match.

You've only been going out for two months and he's already making you feel bad about yourself. I also think there's a difference between pushing you to be better, and him trying to mould you after what he believes is "better". If you're happy with your job, why would you have to leave it and find another place to work, just because he believes it's not the job for you? If you're happy with your current car (or having no car at all), why would you have to get a new one?

To me it doesn't sound like he's trying to make you a better person. He just wants you to get things so that he can feel better about himself and brag about his girlfriend's job or car, seeing as you've started to feel like he's the type of person who's obsessed with having a certain image. If he wanted you to be a better person, he would want to have intellectual conversations with you. He'd suggest good books to read. He'd suggest healthy foods to eat and fun activities to do that are good for your health. He would help you realize things about yourself that you didn't know about before. And he would want to do it all *with* you, not command you to do these things. He would want you to encourage him to become a better person too. But to me it doesn't sound like he's doing any of that. It's like he's dissatisfied with what he got so now he needs to change "it" (aka you). It's gross and personally I wouldn't want to stay in a relationship like that.

[lumos]

He sounds very materialistic and is taking it out on you. Red flag.

[PeacefulRainDrop]

Been with someone like this lasted 6 month.. he will want a new phone new tv.. want the best of everything and doesn't value money.. he ended up buying me a new phone mines an android and he bought me an iphone... I told him I like my phone no interest in that one he said its the best one on the market ours are both coming.. I ended up letting him have his money back.. I very much like routine like why replace something that isn't broke? Im happy with my phone a new phone learning how to use it especially iphone had one in the past doesn't interest me.. found out he was embarrassed to drive in my car was a 2007 honda fit.. my advice is if he values items too much.. needs to have the best of everything and things you enjoy it too.. tell him straight up you dont want a new job you love your job and car he can't create you into what he wants he take you as you are or he can go find someone else! Cause the best thing on the market changes depending on who you ask... new improved things come out every few months if thats his goal to have the best of everything it won't be cheap living which will mean you won't be able to travel as much.. my thoughts on the subject

[akiflyer]

Let me tell you right now, I know what you mean. I had exactly the same situation. Even when I did get better they still pushed me to be even better.

I thought long and hard about this... There is a difference between encouraging you and pressuring you. It got so bad I had to break up with her.

Example: my girlfriend wanted me to go to the gym and get stronger.

Encouragement: "wow you got so much better, I'm so proud of you! Oh you missed a day, I know it's difficult, maybe we can go together, but I can see changed already or when you finish I'll treat you a hearty protein dinner! Hey, your chest is much stronger, but don't skip leg day. "

Pressuring:" You still have a long way to go! Don't you want to be strong and handsome? Don't you want to be healthy? See that guy? He's so hot! Don't you want me to feel that for you? Don't be weak! Be a man! You know my ex boyfriend was a model, he had the perfect body! You need to work harder."

Money too.

Encouragement: "You've been working at that job for ages, have you thought about a new job? Maybe you can do something you love. Fix your Cv and ill help you proof read and improve, if I find some interesting jobs I'll let you know".

Pressuring: "you earn to little. How can I expect to marry you like this? My friend's husband is so rich and buys everything for her. I know you're young but I can't wait forever, you know? Yeah I earn less than you, so what? You're a man! Provide for me, it's pathetic that we earn nearly the same. Aren't you embarrassed that your friends make more money? My cousin is the same age as me and her husband is a real lawyer! They make so much money, I'm so embarrassed whenever I visit her."

So if you feel he's just bullying you, dump his ass.

[CindyRuns]

I totally agree with you.

There is a fine line between your SO encouraging you to be the best person you can be vs bullying you to fit into some ideal image they have of you.

I consider the former to be love, the later to be harrassment. If you have (or are being) an awesome SO, you pay attention to the reaction you get and learn what the difference is.

[CandacePerry]

. I been bullied by girls. in high school & college.

[Battooot]

Why dont you tell him this shit?

The most important factor in any relationship is Communication. He needs to know what is in your mind otherwise he will never be able to fix whatever behaviour he is doing!

If i knew im doing something that bothers my girlfriend to the point she considers to break up.. then i will freaking stop whatever action im doing at all costs.

Explain to him exactly what you just explained to us. And if he doesn't fix or improve despite you telling him then now you know maybe breakup is best.

I also disagree with a lifestyle of "purchasing new car and showing im doing good in life" and i think those who think that way have a personality issue. Also none of the things u explained makes u 'better". I do push my girl to always improve as a person, but i show her all the love i have. But i believe that you should improve urself in life and always work on improving mentally and physically n getting stronger. Therefore, my wife should be thinking the same way and always aim for improvement. But nothing of what u just mentioned is a true improvement to me.

[MzAsh]

You need to enforce some boundaries. Let him know you appreciate the thought, and you'll take his suggestions into consideration, but you'll take it from there. Two months of dating and he's already trying to influence you into making major life decisions like getting a better job and a new car is definitely concerning. What else is going to pressure you into when things actually get serious?

See how he reacts to you putting your foot down and letting you live your life on your own terms. If he gets an attitude about that, then I'd definitely walk away for sure.

[sejla]

If you care to try sit down and talk to him about how these suggestions are stressing you out and that you are happy with yourself and your life at this time. Ask him to please stop doing it. Give it a week or two and if nothing changes than decide if you want to continue with the relationship. It is better to stop it at the 3 month mark than at one year.

It sounds like you are mature in that you are living a healthy lifestyle and putting money in the bank. That's pretty good for someone your age. You should feel better or at least comfortable in a relationship. If it gives you stress it might not be worth it.

[Desconhecida]

He seems to be making you miserable with this even if he's a nice person. Maybe he's not the one for you

[Felinegirl]

You should tell him how you feel and set boundaries. It's great if someone can motivate you to be better, but only if you want to change those things too. If you don't want a new car, he should stop asking you to get one. And if you're happy in your current job, he should accept that.

I thought my ex how to cook and how to eat healthier, but he enjoyed those changes and was thankful. I'm currently dating someone who is motivating me to exercise more, which is great because I want to exercise more. But if he would tell me to stop watching series, that's a no. I don't want to.

Tell him how you feel, say you love it when he helps you be better, but also be honest and strong when he asks for a change you dislike. You should still make your own choices in life.

[ohshee]

It sounds more like control do as he's says type thing. I look at my life like this i can do any thing i want to do im alway pushing myself to become better at everything i do I've had to learn everything the hardvway i left my parents home when i was 16 got a job went to school lived with some friends i have worked since then ,, it would be ok if some one said hey do u like your job and i would say yes i do thank you why,, and the answer wouldn't be because u need to make ur self look better. ,, i would say in ur case make him look better. I would say no thank u. U live you fantasy. I will be happy. , look at your age look at every thing u have done you are greatness. And how did u get there. U made it happen 1 step at a time keep leading. Dont follow because they want you to you can be anythingnu want as long as you want it not because someone tell you you have to be this way

[ohshee]

It kinda seems like its more than a push. It seems like hesstanding there pokeing his finger in to your chest telling u its what you have to do to be with him i know thsts not true but i feel ur anxiety and you saying please stop for me i would say enough is enough my happiness is more important

[Lavinnykins]

It sounds like he's looking for a 'trophy girlfriend' to show off to everyone where he can say 'Oh, she does this and she has that because she did those things to get it'... It takes away the whole point of a relationship being happy and supportive when they start pushing you be someone you're not when you're quite happy with the way you are. I'd say at this stage that he's rather insecure or being teased somewhere about the people he chooses to date. Maybe not jump straight into breaking up with him but I'd definitely call him out on this.

[btbc92]

You two are just not compatiblr and this is why you be friends first before dating. It's not him, and it's not you either. Just find other compatible partners. Relationships are about growth, and he is right about that. But if you don't want a relationship of growth, again, just say that and go your separate ways. Neither of you deserve to get hurt.

[btbc92]

Then Asker, maybe dating is not for you. It's trail and error. But relationships are improvement and growth. But it should be realistic. Just end it because dating is obviously making you unhappy.

[Daisy007]

I think he's the type that worries more of what others say & does things to "impress" others, instead of doing it for HIMSELF because he "wants too." I'd say talk to him about it and explain your side and that you're fine how you are & don't really see the point in overwasting. You've been together for 2 months, which isn't long & he's already (in a way) trying to "control" you talk to him about it, maybe he doesn't even realize it's coming off that way? But stop him before it's too late and becomes a habit.

[Maddz7]

I had a kind of similar situation with a guy I was only just talking to! He would tell me my friends weren’t shit and that I should stop talking to them, that I shouldn’t aim for the career path I chose cause it’s not good enough, that everything I chose to do with my life that I would talk to him about nothing was ever perfect for him. Then I realised why he is the person he is. He was raised in a life where he was given everything now I’m not saying all people who were raised in good situations act spoilt and are just straight up pricks but a lot of people who have never had to work hard for something in there life have a lot to say about other people’s lives and how to run them.
I dropped him it was a turn off and very unattractive I personally find people who try to change others for their benefits truly disgusting people.

[S8nBam]

This is an interesting one.

If you said to me we have been together 2 years. I may get it, as long as he is making an effort to help you to get to that greatness. Not just telling you to.

But 2 months in? It sounds more like, he doesn't want you. . . . he wants his image. Or he is super controlling.

Gently ask him about his previous GFs, and why they broke up.

Then separately, try to have an open conversation that, your life, it's choices and developments are in your hands.

Otherwise, find someone that accepts who you are.

[_SOARER_]

Yeah that sounds terrible
What does he care about your material possesions?
If he is so concerned he should buy you those things instead.

An image obsessed man, is a very bad thing. You need to tell him how it makes you feel, if he isn't understanding or is dismissive maybe re-think your relationship

[AuroraRoseat]

Honestly, that sounds like he is helping you try to excel, but doesn't realize how it can be demeaning. It can really turn a person off. It's nothing to break up about: just tell him that you really appreciate his offer but it comes across as if he's belittling you when he might not be.

[Sensei1111]

Exactly what she said ^^

[Anonymous]

Since it doesn't sound like any of the "better" he's pushing are actually for your benefit but just for appearances I personally would be out the door and looking for someone else.

It's one thing to push someone, within reason, to do better healthwise. Or if they aren't happy careerwise to push them to change things.

It's another to push your agenda on someone else. And that is what it sounds like he's doing. He maybe a basically decent guy but he's not really thinking about what makes you happy and what your comfortable. Or he would have really talked to you and listened to you and known your happy as you are. If he was the "right" guy once he knew that he would have backed off. But instead he's passive aggressively pushing you by sending you links etc instead actually engaging with you and finding at what's best for you.

[jcclifton]

I really didn't even finish reading the last couple sentences.
Time to go. Even if his talked about this and he seem to agree to change his ways. You always have the feeling in the back of your head. He feels your not g[d enough.
You don't want to be with some one that makes you feel any less than amazing !

[1231prncss]

I can understand how you feel as my boyfriend does some of these things as well. Its hurtful because your partner should accept you the way you are. Instead of focusing on those things and trying to mold you into who he wants you to be. Perhaps its something you should mention to him. Maybe he isn't deliberately doing it. But if he is then I should find out sooner rather than later. So you don't stay with a person who makes you feel less than.

[HayleyMarie]

It sounds like he doesn’t appreciate you for who you are. He wants you to fit into a certain image of what he sees his girlfriend should be like. You be you and don’t change for anyone. Explain to him that you are happy with your career choice, your car etc and that it shouldn’t change just cause he wants it to. If he can’t handle that-show him the door.

[HayleyMarie]

I just saw your update. It sounds you are unhappy with him. You were happy being single, which is how it should be, you shouldn’t depend on someone else to make you happy. It seems as if he is taking away from that happiness you had.
You should be proud for overcoming all that you have, and working hard to achieve your goals. I think you should sit and have a talk with him about how you feel, that you feel like he’s not appreciating who you are. You should be able to gauge from him reaction whether or not you should continue this relationship.

[dreamstar72]

Guess I'm getting a vibe by him pushing you. Maybe he is trying to mold into the girl for his benefit, because most people do NOT try to change their gf/bf/f in a very short time. The car deal and his image should really make you think if he is the one for you. I think you can and will do much better in finding a great guy that wants you for who you are and then you can be happy as you are. Anyways do it your way, good luck, smile, dump

[talloak]

Have you told him about how you feel? If not, he probably feels he’s doing you a favor. It’s quite possible that he has no idea you feel judged. After speaking to him he still feels he has the right or duty to tell you how you must live, then that is good reason to break up with him. If he agrees that he went too far, then you need only remind him each time he does it.

[Soporific-san]

I'm sure he knows your already good, but there is no limit to how perfect you can be. There's always another step to take. Its a never ending experience to better yourself. He wants to see you succeed even further. That's what I'm winging with. I might be wrong. But, its how I see it.

[morimeme1]

It is important gor partners to support and inspire each other to be better but it seems like he is pushing it too far without listening to you. The first thing would obviously be talking to each otger and having an honest conversation about it but if a person you're with does not male you feel good about yourself - you should not waste your time with them.