Does he like me as more than friends with benefits?

[collegestudent96]

We have been friends with benefits since fall 2018. We were friends before that. He made a move one day and it's become an ongoing thing. We've been monogamous. We said we'd stop if we start seeing someone else. He's hasn't. We spend a lot of time together. We've grabbed food and drinks, we've gone for drives, we've gone on hikes too. We have conversations about ourselves. We always get intimate because we can't keep our hands off eachother. I've met friends when he took me golfing one day. He said he didn't know they were there even though he goes with them every Sunday. He said they liked me. I haven't met his family. His sister has seen me before when he invited me over to his house one day to help him/keep him company while he worked on his construction project. She was home but I wasn't formally introduced. She was waiting for me in the front bay window when I arrived. But left when I went inside. He said it felt weird having me over. His parents weren't home but they are rarely home anyways. He has stayed the night at my house before. He sleeps over when my parents are on vacation. He stayed this past weekend. He arrived from his vacation that same day so he went home to drop off his luggage, shower, grab some things and came straight over. He was messaging me a lot throughout his vacation, telling me what he was doing and showing me pictures. When he stayed over, we drank, played games and watched a tv and were sexually intimate a few times throughout the evening. He fell asleep spooning me on the couch. I had to wake him up so we could go my bed. When we got there he continued spooning me and fell asleep again. He woke up in the middle of the night, he caressed me awake and we were intimate then fell asleep for a few more hours. When we woke up, he watched tv and I made him breakfast - waffles from scratch. We continued watching tv until he left to go home. He also brought me back a souvenir.

Yes

No

Updates

+1 y

We rented a hotel for the night. He chose to break his boundaries including sex. He only wanted to do it with a girlfriend due to a previous experience. It was awkward because he hadn't had sex since his last relationship 2 years ago and I hadn't since my last one over 6 months ago. It's a new thing for us to be doing together. But I think that's just something we have to explore more. I'm glad we did it and I had a good time. I asked him why and he said hotels make you do mysterious things.

Updates

+1 y

He took me out to the bar before going to the hotel. He paid. We talked about a lot of things. We laughed and joked around. When we left he put his hand on my lower back to guide me out of the bar. Prior, he had asked me what I wanted him to wear and gave me options - a t-shirt or a button up. Both were more fancy than casual. I said button up because I never saw him in one before. It felt like a date. I asked him why we went to the bar and he said he didn't want to just go straight to the hotel

[abc3643]

Yes, you're a couple. You most definitely earned today's award!

========================


Congratulations!

Your question is today's Question of the Day illustrating that Friends With Benefits is an illusion because eventually one of them will get emotionally involved as if in a couple.

It's not a question of "if" it's going to happen, but "when".

If it is any consolation, in December 1988 just before I turned 26, I was involved in this intense 2.5 week F W B situation (*) with my roommate. I was very emotionally involved, but, for her, I was just a convenient lay between more "serious BF"s.

So, was I a stupid fool? Yes and no. I knew better, but I wanted what I got into and paid the price. I learned through The School of Hard Knocks just like you are...

(*) This is long before "Friends With Benefits" became "a thing". No one said that 30+ years ago let alone thought it because it would be considered an embarrassment to sink to that level. Apparently, being a slut or manwhore doesn't matter in today's "hook-up culture".

[collegestudent96]

Are you being serious or are you trolling me?

[abc3643]

No. I am being serious.
He is functioning exactly like a boyfriend.

[abc3643]

(And, he's not sleeping with anyone else... I can see it in what you wrote. He is doing what a pair-bonded cis-gendered straight human male does.)

[collegestudent96]

I agree, I wasn’t sure
A lot of people think he’s using me

[abc3643]

It's possible HE thinks he is using you - and maybe he is - but he is behaving a lot like a boyfriend...

I am not telling you to do this but, hypothetically, if you had a "talk" with him about ending your F W B and that you want to move on to a real relationship with someone, he will get antsy fast. The moment he begins to sense your withdrawal, I expect his "breaking heart reactions" will kick in and he will try to save what you two have. If he was a F W B, he'd accept your departure, but, if he is actually separated from you for a few days to a week, his brain will melt as he is getting a broken heart and will do anything to be with you again.
That's how you know he's not an F W B, but an undeclared boyfriend.

[abc3643]

[abc3643]

www.binghamton.edu/.../

Study: Women hurt more by breakups but recover more fully
August 12, 2015

Women experience more emotional pain following a breakup, but they also more fully recover, according to new research from Binghamton University.

Researchers from Binghamton University and University College London asked 5,705 participants in 96 countries to rate the emotional and physical pain of a breakup on a scale of one (none) to 10 (unbearable). They found that women tend to be more negatively affected by breakups, reporting higher levels of both physical and emotional pain. Women averaged 6.84 in terms of emotional anguish versus 6.58 in men. In terms of physical pain, women averaged 4.21 versus men’s 3.75. While breakups hit women the hardest emotionally and physically, women tend to recover more fully and come out emotionally stronger. Men, on the other hand, never fully recover — they simply move on.

According to Craig Morris, research associate at Binghamton University and lead author on the study, the differences boil down to biology. Women have more to lose by dating the wrong person.

“Put simply, women are evolved to invest far more in a relationship than men,” Morris said. “A brief romantic encounter could lead to nine months of pregnancy followed by many years of lactation for an ancestral woman, while the man may have ‘left the scene’ literally minutes after the encounter, with no further biological investment. It is this ‘risk’ of higher biological investment that, over evolutionary time, has made women choosier about selecting a high-quality mate. Hence, the loss of a relationship with a high-quality mate ‘hurts’ more for a woman.”

(more)

[abc3643]

Conversely, as men have evolved to compete for the romantic attention of women, the loss of a high-quality mate for a man may not “hurt” as much at first, Morris said.

“The man will likely feel the loss deeply and for a very long period of time as it ‘sinks in’ that he must ‘start competing’ all over again to replace what he has lost — or worse still, come to the realization that the loss is irreplaceable,” he said.

Morris said that breakups are important because most of us will experience an average of three by age 30, with at least one affecting us strongly enough that it substantially decreases our quality of life for weeks or months.

“People lose jobs, students withdraw from classes and individuals can initiate extremely self-destructive behavior patterns following a breakup,” he said. “With better understanding of this emotional and physical response to a breakup — Post Relationship Grief — we can perhaps develop a way to mitigate its effects in already high-risk individuals.”

The study, “Quantitative Sex Differences in Response to the Dissolution of a Romantic Relationship,” was published in Evolutionary Behavioral Sciences on July 31.

[collegestudent96]

I did confess my feelings a year ago and she’s stop talking to me. It lasted less than two weeks before he was messaging me again

[collegestudent96]

and he stop*

[collegestudent96]

Read the updates and tell me if you still have the same opinion

[Thatsamazing]

Guys don't like labels. We like our independence. Pretty simple.

[aly34]

Well he getting everything what he needs in a girlfriend without any responsibility. It seems u r wasting ur time wd him. he hasn't confessed his feelings to u. u hv confessed ur feelings. Go for a serious relationship wd someone else

[KrakenAttackin]

No. He is getting all he wants out of you without having to put up with the bullshit parts of a relationship.