How to forgive myself after being in a relationship with a married man?

[Anonymous]

I was in a relationship with a married man for 4 months. I kept convincing myself that everything was worth it because of love. Finally and very suddenly I decided that I don’t want this anymore and let him go. I blocked him on everything. He contacts me with different numbers and social media accounts almost every minute and I just ignore him. I completely ended everything with him. In a matter of a day my love became this shame and hate towards myself. I can’t believe I did this and I’m so ashamed of myself and every time he contacts me and says he loves me I feel disgusted. I hate myself and I don’t know what to do. I met this guy recently that I really like but I’m ashamed of even looking him in the eyes because I feel like a pos. How do I forgive myself?

[PonyCarGirl98]

Well, it sounds like you knew that he was married while you were in a relationship with him...
What you did was really bad, but I think you know this now. There are so many single guys in this world, the last thing anyone should be doing is knowingly enabling a cheater.
I think the first way for you to move forward is to find the woman he's married to, inform her of your relationship with her husband, and apologize that you contributed to his infidelity. You can't erase what you both did, but apologizing and MEANING it (don't make the apology about you - imagine the situation she's in - being married to a cheater) is the first step. Then, I think you have a lot of inflection to do... the fact that you knowingly had this relationship says a great deal about your self-worth and self-esteem... I think you are lacking in those things, so for your own sake you should improve upon those accordingly, whether it's seeking therapy or counselling, etc. If you don't solve those issues, they will control you and your judgment forever... I wish you the best...

[AmandaYVR]

You are brave for writing this, even as anon. There is almost no understanding here for things like this. Brace yourself.

My only comment is really a question - do you think this was entirely about the man... was he that special? Or does it link back in any way to the types of choices you make, consciously or subconsciously? There's a small chance that you chose him because he was unavailable, or you thought maybe you don't deserve more.

I won't guess which one of these it is, but I imagine one or the other.

[Anonymous]

Well what you did is discouraged because its not a good look to interfere with other peoples relationships but unless you were the initiator and the driving force behind this and you knew the whole time they were married etc you haven't done that anyway.

You didn't take any vows so you are not the one who broke their word.

You then took an action which demonstrates your compassion and respect for other people so looking at the score sheet Im not sure why you are being so hard on yourself.

You are only responsible for your own actions, not other peoples. That guy cheated all on his own.

[Browneye57]

You just do. Admit to yourself you made a mistake, you fixed it, you're free, and now you can go on with your life.
Your life is all about choices. Choose wisely. Be confident. And be outcome independent - where you're just sure in your own mind's eye that no matter what happens you're going to be just fine. It is the ultimate freedom.

[NarumiAya]

"God may forgive your sins, but your nervous system won't." —Alfred Korzybski
I know its hard. Forgiving yourself requires a lot of Empathy.
But its not impossible. Acknowledge your mistakes and accept it as a past experience. Don't contact that man ever again.

I don't know if you believe in God, but if you do , Treat him as your friend and pour your heart out. You'll feel better. I've experienced this. Prayer heals.

[GloryQueen]

I did the same thing. It is horrible feeling.
I went to the priest and told him, and he said. If God forgives you, forgive yourself.
With time, I accepted my mistake. He seduced me, he was amazing, better then single ones. They know with woman for sure.
Give yourself a break and time. it shall pass...

[Ripper_E]

You've accepted what you did.
You make a mistake and you own it. Don't hide it. Don't keep it a secret. You are serious about this guy, open up. Not because it would necessarily affect your relationship, but to get it off your chest. It's something about yourself you don't like.

[elisa_0]

You’ve done the right thing in the end and that’s why you should forgive yourself. You have a conscience and you know the damage this could cause. As for him, well he’s clearly a piece of trash who doesn’t deserve his partner (unless she’s doing the same thing of course).


Seriously though, good for you.

[KrakenAttackin]

"How do I forgive myself"? How about you deserve the guilt you feel. Imagine you are that man's wife, now how do you feel? Karma often comes back to us, and I imagine your fucking a married man will probably ruin your marriage in the future as you will project onto your husband.

[stickytoes]

You made a mistake and you know that what you did was wrong. Hating yourself doesn’t help anyone. Try to distract yourself with your career or hobbies until you meet a person who is available. You will forgive yourself at some point, just make sure you never make a mistake like this again.

[blutwolfe]

Obviously you put in effort on a guy who was already taken and no future, look at this as experience, maybe you should project those feelings on a guy who can reciprocate them and is single, it will be so much better trust me

[Asker]

I really want to but I’m just so ashamed of myself. I feel disgusting😞

[blutwolfe]

Why ashamed and disgusted? They're married for a reason, maybe you wanted to know why, now you know, will you build yourself up better? Do you need someone else's reason to marry, to confirm why you want to marry?

Sometimes we don't know anything about ourselves we have to see what others do just to make sure

So why do you feel disgusting? Tell me?

[Yuushiro]

Take a deep breath and accept that you screwed up. Then you have e to realize that there isn't anything you can do to change the past, all you can do is do better in the future.

[Bandit74]

You should get married and let your husband sleep with other women while you watch. Until then your soul will never be at peace.

[1CentWorth]

it's not the end of the world, but I think just about any woman has been in this situation.

[Asker]

I went against my own beliefs. I never thought I would do this and I kept convincing myself that my situation is different because of love... I’m a horrible person and I’m so ashamed it took me this long to realize... I feel like I don’t deserve love or respect

[1CentWorth]

If you want, I can disrespect you. I have a talent for making people feel like the shit they feel like inside.

But, how about starting off with telling yourself you forgive yourself, and give yourself some time to learn from the experience. Maybe this helps you stop from making a similar situation happen in the future where the result is much more negative and impactful.

[Shellyworld]

Tell yourself you are not a robot. Human beings are allowed to make mistakes. I know you have been a part of his adultery. It is the reason you feel this way. by the way it is his fault. Why did he get married to a woman he doesn’t love at all?

[An_Impulse]

go to alaska.. live your life in seclusion..

or try to be a better person from now on.. and carry the shame with yourself.

[Quidthonian]

Your self-forgiveness will come with time. I can see that you are already in the remorse phase. Give your self some time. You will be OK.

[AmeerX]

Your feelings for him were real don't deny him