Is it selfish to want commitment?

[TremorJay]

I'll make the argument that it is selfish to want someone's attention in a romantic sense for yourself. Yes it's perfectly normal to want that, and I am 100% in favor of monogamous relationships, but you are thinking of yourself when you propose being mutually exclusive, aren't you? Regardless of what you offer in the proposed relationship, you're still benefiting from it, and consequently denying other potential partners (again thinking of monogamous relationships). You don't typically stop to think about who else is interested in your potential partner, therefore it involves a lack of consideration for others and is selfish. Normal, and perfectly acceptable, but still selfish behavior by definition I think.

Yes it's selfish to want commitment

No, it's not selfish to want commitment

[Aethereal]

Disclaimer: It occurs to me that this might actually be a deep philosophical discussion. Sadly, I don't have the time to do that so please make do with this:

I don't believe it's specifically selfish to want exclusivity. It is only selfish if you define "selfish" in a very broad way. If I were to use your idea, then we would all be selfish if we went to the store and bought groceries for ourselves, and denied the many strangers who couldn't afford it the opportunity to get the groceries. We might even be selfish for not buying groceries for them. Worse still is the implication that a single guy/girl might be selfish for not showing themselves off to thirsty people. Your definition of selfish implies a denial of individuality that I believe is impossible for (most) humans to emulate.

The reason I vote "no" to your question is because I believe that such an action (wanting exclusivity) can only be categorized as "selfish" if:
- It benefits the person making the action alone
- Other primary parties (specifically those most affected e. g. your partner) have no choice in the matter

So for example: I believe a parent who forces his/her child to marry someone of his/her choosing is selfish because the marriage might benefit them directly, or the child may be unwilling.

However seeking exclusivity in a relationship is not selfish if/because your partner understands the consequences and accepts them i. e. they want to be denied to other strangers who might have asked them out. Basically, it can only be considered selfish if you were forcing them to be exclusive when they don't want to be, or they somehow suffer from being exclusive with you.

Without going as deep into the concept as I would have liked; the difference is choice i. e. the primary parties (you and your partner) freely choose to be exclusive. Since, you are the primary parties, the "selfishness" is justified/legal (whatever you want to call it).

[TremorJay]

I really appreciate this response

[AzzaBlue]

It is selfish, but this isn't a bad thing. Most of what humans do is based on self interest as there are very few gestures that I would call truly selfless. Even many gestures that are generally considered selfless is rooted in selfishness. For example, when someone donates to some charity, they do it not just for a good cause, but also because it makes THEM feel good knowing that they made a small difference. As far as I am concerned there are two types of selfishness, benevolent selfishness and malevolent selfishness. Gestures like donating to charity is an example of benevolent selfishness. Malevolent selfishness is when someone commits a gesture that benefits them at the expense of someone else, i. e stealing.
So yes, while I consider your assessment of commitment of being grounded in selfishness, it is not necessarily a bad thing.

[TremorJay]

Sounds like someone has read The Selfish Gene by Richard Dawkins, maybe? Maybe not, but yes this is how I would look at it

[AzzaBlue]

Sounds like a smart fellow. But no, I haven't read any of his work. My stance on this subject is based on nothing more than experience and observable reality.

[kannettava]

Most decisions regarding oneself are selfish. Wanting a monogamous relationship is as well. I find that people aren't ever truly altruistic, so they need some level of selfishness to be happy.

[Apple1996]

If the two people are both equally in it for each other then I can't see how it's selfish.

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

Excellent question, thank you for asking it!
I'd say it's not selfish to want to commitment. It's perfectly normal.
If the other person wants the same, you have a well sorted relationship. If they don't want that, let them go and find someone more in tune with your wishes and expectations and that shares the same values.

[DrunkAss]

I think life is about probabilities. Of course, I'm selfish. I want my wife to myself. And there is a probability that if I just set her free and kick her outta the house, she will find a better man than me. The probability might even be quite high. I don't think it's so hard to find a better man than me. But I'll hurt her either way if I kick her out the house, even if it's for her own good. I don't wanna hurt her. And I don't want her to hurt me. So we're stuck with each other just based on this.

[DrunkAss]

You know, like I can throw my wife back in the sea after I caught her and she might be so happy. And she can throw me back on the sea and I can chomp off a swimmer's leg or arm. There are definitely bigger and better sharks than both of us who have dismembered and decapitated all sorts of people. But you throw either of us back in the sea and there is no guarantee that we will find a better shark as a mate. I am not "settling". I don't want anything more. And as far as I can tell, my wife doesn't want anything. There are better things out there for both of us, but we reached a point with each other where we don't want to risk gambling for more. My wife not be an ace-high royal flush but she's like at least a 10-high straight flush. And I'm at least 6-high straight flush for her.

[jshm2]

You think wrong, then.

A good relationship is about two parties getting what they mutually want out an agreed relationship. A bad one has one side or neither getting anything. There is no "selfish" element in the former, unless the relationship has gone bad, or is part of the individuals remit - i. e. breadwinner, carer, etc.

[Dontaaa]

As long as you're considering the feelings of the person you're wanting the commitment from and that they also want to commit themselves to you out of thier own free will then no.

[Jamie05rhs]

Hell yeah, it's selfish! And I'm not apologizing for it!

[douride2]

It would appear most guys & girls disagree with you.

[TremorJay]

Thanks for helping me see with my own eyes

[douride2]

Glad I could help. LOL

[exitseven]

If you are going to commit to a relationship it must work both ways.

[Asianguy123]

love died. No one wants to stay in relationship longer than 2 years.

[modelUN242]

I think it's selfish to not want commitment.

[MountAverage]

But if your partner wants the same commitment, how is it selfish then?

[CakesNCream]

Just do you know, I voted :P

[CakesNCream]

So* you know

[SandandWaves]

Not at all!

[Loolucy]

The thing about commitment , it works both ways..

[legalboxers]

we all want that,.