Advice on continuing the relationship after being raped by your partner?

[shadiamond]

I really need detailed tips and advice on working through rape in a relationship by a partner please. How to work through it and make the relationship work so both persons involved can heal and move forward with each other? Separating is NOT up for discussion.

[GingerGuy]

If it was true rape (details of exactly what happened would very much matter in this situation), but healing and moving forward may not be an option, even if you both want it. The damage has been done. Time, communication, and even therapy (or correct the behavior and make sure it doesn't happen again) MIGHT be the only possibility of that happening, and even then it may not happen. Trust is gone. You may not be able to rebuild that. Not to mention feeling safe with them, etc. They may never feel that again.

[shadiamond]

True rape? Are you implying there's such a thing as false rape?

[FunkyMonkee]

Maybe a marriage counsellor type of person?

[shadiamond]

Thank you.

[FunkyMonkee]

No problem, hun! I hope everything works out.

[Anonymous]

I think that your partner has crossed a line that you can't stay together after crossing. Ideally they show be arrested, prosecuted, and jailed for raping you. Staying together only solidifies the rape as acceptable behavior and your partner will likely rape you again or worse. I know you don't want to entertain the idea of separating; but I hope that you able to get to a place where you are able to leave them.

[BlackBeauty90]

@shadiamond - are you stupid or desperate?

You claim the guy raped you. And you want to "work through it". What the fucking hell for?

[caring__1]

Give yourself the advice you'd give your teenage daughter, and then follow it.

If you insist on staying with him, you'll never be able to fix this on your own, so get therapy for both of you.

I find it hard to understand how so many women on this site will label their relationship as toxic or dysfunctional or unhealthy, yet they still assume their partner will be eager to be molded into her ideal, like a lump of clay. He's as unlikely to be willing to be molded into something that doesn't makes sense to him as you would be willing to be molded into something that doesn't make sense to you.

[Levin]

God almighty woman.

I remember watching a video where a guy and his partner, and a few other people are out in public, they're obviously in some kind of altercation. He pulls out a knife, the people around bolt, and he proceeds to stab her to death 20 or so times, for whatever her apparent misdemeanor is.

No one of any sanity is going to tell you to remain with this person.

I think you seriously need to look at why you would stay with someone like that, and what it says about your own sense of self worth.

[DWornock]

If it bothers you, don't have sex after having alcohol or drugs or don't have sex when you really don't want to because your partner is persistent and most likely you will never be raped. In 1987 Ms Magazine commissioned Mary Koss to do a study of campus rape and at first she couldn't find any so she asked the coeds a number of questions (I believe 13), including the foregoing, that she then defined as rape and concluded that 75% of college girls are raped and the media accepted her statistics and by implication her definitions of rape. At the time about 50 percent of the coeds were still having sex with their rapists and about as many didn't believe they had been raped.

[shadiamond]

I don't drink nor do drugs and I don't have sex if I don't want to. I wasn't coerced, I flat out said no and fought as hard as I could.

[DWornock]

That would be what was rape before Mary Koss and the media redefined it. In that case, I would recommend that you call 991 before you wash away the evidence and let more than a few hours of time go by. By now, the only evidence would by he said she said; that is, your word against his.
Therefore, I recommend that you dump him and avoid him. And, if you believe there is any realistic possibility of it happing again, I would report it so that the police would talk to him and make him afraid of what you might do, plus put them on alert should he again attempt to rape or threaten you in any way.

[DWornock]

I personally cannot comprehend why any woman would stay with a violent person. Nevertheless, although I can't understand it, I am aware that some women are attracted to abusers and stay with them even as the abuse gets worse. And, when they are no longer together, the women will seek out and have a relationship with another abuser. I doubt that even therapy can help such mentally disturbed women. I guess eventually one of their abusers kills them and that solves their problem.

[shadiamond]

He was never violent until that incident happened. He wants to fix things.

[DWornock]

As I understand it, they all apologize and say it will never happen again. Then it gets worse. Hopefully, he will be an exception.

[shadiamond]

I think he will be an exception.

[DWornock]

I realize there are exceptions and that sometimes situations occur resulting in someone behaving in a way that is outside his normal behavior. Since it would appear to be your best choice, I do hope you are right. In any event, it is good to give people the opportunity to learn from their mistakes. However, giving someone a second chance doesn't imply they deserve 3rd, 4th, and 5th chances.

[ChrisMaster69]

There is not really, every single authority on it will pretty much tell you to leave.

this is often why women end up murdered or repeatably raped.

you both need to go to the exact same rape crisis counselling.

[DescendantofLilith]

Why would you want to continue the relationsship? You need to get away from him! He has proven that he cannot be trusted. You need to be in a safe space with support in order to heal. Whish you all the best.

[shadiamond]

Sometimes people do horrible things to you but you still love them. Not saying there's no feelings of anger, betrayal and sorrow but I feel it can be worked out. I just have no clue how.

[BlackBeauty90]

@shadiamond let me be so blunt a one year old child would understand. He DOES NOT love you. If he did he would NEVER have done what he did. So do yourself a favor before it gets worse as such toxic relationships always do and you may wind up dead... LEAVE HIM

[hellacray]

I don't understand so your partner raped you and you want to work through it instead of breaking up?

Lol well why is breaking up not an option?

Go to couples counseling and see what they say.

[shadiamond]

I was unsure of what I wanted to do but we both decided we don't want to break up. We intended to get married.

[hellacray]

Ok well start getting familiar with divorce paper work.

[Ms_Vanderquack]

Are you retarded? Why the fuck would you stay with someone like that? the only correct answer is to get the fuck away from them and press charges.

[Aimée__LJ]

Why would you want to stay with someone who took advantage of you?

[Anonymous]

I really can't offer advice without knowing more about the circumstances. Can you please share some details of the rape and your relationship?

[shadiamond]

We've been together a couple of years. He wanted to be intimate but I didn't want to because we weren't done resolving some issues.

[Opinion Owner]

And?

[shadiamond]

And what?

[Opinion Owner]

You said he wanted to be intimate but you didn't want to because you weren't done resolving some issues. That's not rape.

[shadiamond]

I declined intimate contact and he forced himself on me.

[Opinion Owner]

Forced himself how?

[Luckycharms12]

Break it off right away you don't do that to anyone never mind someone you love

[Aided]

uh dOnt
I know you said its not up for discussion but
well it is and you should do it

[SomeGuyCalledTom]

And why isn't separation up for discussion?

[shadiamond]

We both agree that we don't want to break up.

[es20490446e]

If I was rapped I would report to the police.

[4dmins-4-13itches]

Maybe corrective behaviors

[legalboxers]

Focus on YOU not THEM

[Dontaaa]

Don't, just don't.

[karaspara]

GTFO

[kevyhanma]

You can’t be raped by your partner

[shadiamond]

You're incorrect.

[kevyhanma]

Explain to me how you can rape someone you’ve agreed to be in a committed relationship with?😂

[shadiamond]

If you try to have sex with your partner and she/he says no and you drag them into the bedroom while they're kicking and screaming and force yourself on him/her, that's rape.

[kevyhanma]

When you agree to be in a relationship with someone here is what your really saying (I’m going to and will be all you need ) why would you deny them sex say in that scenario after you said no they left and had sex with someone else that’s what cheating is ( I wasn’t getting it from you so I got it from someone else) they should be held accountable for cheating but you have to remember you gaslighted it when you denied them sex

[shadiamond]

We were having issues we hadn't finished working through. If I stop trusting you, or I'm feeling sick or emotionally well I will deny sex. He does not own me, I am not cattle. I am a human being with feelings.

[kevyhanma]

It’s not about that it’s about taking care of this person you’ve committed yourself to

Tell me what does sex mean to you?

[shadiamond]

Intimacy